Aww...That's Nothing?

I have never been one to be cryptic. I always lay my cards on the table! And since I am a firm believer in prayer and positive support from friends, I want to share. Earlier today I posted on Facebook that I was anxious about a doctor's appointment. Lately little things have been happening, physically, that I have dismissed. I'm a big dismisser! I tell myself, "That pain is just indigestion." or "That can't be what I think it is. It'll go away soon." And it does, and I keep going. I jokingly say that I don't have the time or the money to be sick. A little over a week ago I climbed 2 flights of stairs. When I reached the top I was a little winded. I thought that a little odd because I have probably been exercising regularly for about 2 months, walking about a mile a day. The shortness of breath wasn't really what concerned me. Accompanying that was this radiating pain in my lower jaw, and it lasted for about 5 minutes. Then it went away, and, guess what! I dismissed it. Although this dismissal nagged at the back of my mind as I have read places and even seen on television that jaw pain can be the sign of a heart attack. If you've read this blog before or you know me, I am a firm believer in signs. This past Friday I was participating in a workshop through my office an STRESS. Our keynote speaker was a cardiologist. She talked about heart disease briefly and she described, almost verbatim, what happened to me on the stairs. When she was finished, and we had a break, I pulled her aside and described what had happened. She said that that concerned her a little bit, and she felt I needed to see my doctor just to make sure nothing was going on. I also have family history of heart disease on both sides. And stress has been through the roof for me lately because of finances as I just lost $500 a month in income when child support stopped for my youngest. I was struggling before that loss, so you can imagine. Add to that not getting any sleep trying to open a show in a week, and it was just like a NEON sign flashing. I made an appointment Friday afternoon for this morning, Monday. I have just returned from that appointment, and there was some good news. My EKG was normal. Yay! That means my heart isn't damaged in any way. My blood pressure and pulse were great. Heart rhythm was sound, and lungs were clear. All great things! However, because the jaw pain was a concern for my doctor as well, I have been referred to a cardiologist, and I will probably be having a stress test. In the meantime, I'm still exercising and taking 1 Baby Aspirin per day. I am definitely glad to know that my heart is not damaged. Ask my children, I tend to go straight to worst case scenarios. I know I have read things where people have a mild heart attack, and don't have it diagnosed until a big one hits, and then they are told that they had had one earlier that they probably dismissed. So...I'm paying attention to things, and I am trying very hard not to be THE DISMISSER. Maybe that should be my superhero name. I would appreciate prayers,  good vibes, and good thoughts to accompany me on this medical journey. I also share in case anyone reading has the "dismisser's" disease. Better safe than sorry. I will update here as I know more.

"This is Jim Rockford. At the tone, leave your name and message. I'll get back to ya."

Certain actors just captivate you! All they have to do is come on the screen and your eye is drawn to them. James Garner was one of those actors! He was a master of the comedic take and the definition of smooth. Older generations probably first knew him as TV's Bret Maverick and then Jim Rockford on "The Rockford Files" I don't remember watching "Maverick," but I do remember "The Rockford Files." I wasn't really interested in that show, I kind of considered it a "guy's show." When I hear someone mention "The Rockford Files" I always think of a scene from the comedy, "Fraser" between Daphne and Martin discussing the show "The Rockford Files" and how upset Martin gets when Daphne confides to Martin that he reminds her of Rocky, Jim's father. Martin had always fancied himself as the smooth PI, James Garner played, and Daphne's observation struck quite a blow to Martin's ego. I first became enamored of James Garner when I saw him in one of my favorite movies, Victor, Victoria. He plays a straight Chicago Kingpin, who surprisingly finds himself attracted to a female impersonator. The female impersonator, unbeknownst to the public, is actually a "woman pretending to be a man pretending to be a woman" played wonderfully by Julie Andrews. Garner plays the handsome, suave, Man's man to a tee which makes it all the funnier when he finds out the woman he just saw perform this amazing, sexy musical number is actually a man, well, sort of. Confused? Find it and watch it! You won't be disappointed! About 3 years later a movie came out called "Murphy's Romance" starring Sally Field and James Garner. In the movie, two men are vying for her attentions, one, young and very good looking and the other, older but very handsome and charming. The older character is played by James Garner. I was 22 when I saw the film, but I remember thinking, I would pick the older guy. There is a scene in the film where James Garner's character finally kisses Sally Field.

Later in an interview Field said it was the most gratifying screen kiss she had ever received. James Garner received an Oscar nomination for his role in the film. Today's generation probably knows James Garner best as Ryan Gosling's character living out his twilight years in "The Notebook" If you're going to watch that one, get out your tissues. He also stepped back into TV in one of the most difficult ways. In 2003 he joined the cast of "8 Simple Rules" It's star, John Ritter, had passed away suddenly and unexpectedly. Instead of the series going off the air, the show continued and dealt with the death of the actor by dealing with the death of his character on the show. James Garner came in as the Grandfather, and played what he played so well, the man to go to when you needed advice, compassion, or sometimes just a good kick in the pants to send you in the right direction. 

James Garner died yesterday at the age of 86. He will be sorely missed.

The Give and the Get

It's been almost a month since my last post, and what a crazy month it has been. My baby graduated high school and left immediately on a choir tour through Philadelphia, PA, and returned to start working her first job. My oldest started a new job and a new relationship, and I, myself, am rehearsing for a show. Life has been hectic to put it mildly! I don't think I'm alone when I say that when our lives are rushed we tend to be a little more stressed. We're rushed from here to there. We don't take any time for ourselves, and the end result, for me, anyway, is irritability, and, frankly, I get bitchy with most of the people around me. I mentioned that my youngest graduated high school. This was certainly a happy event in our lives and cause for celebration, but it also brought with it anxiety. I have known this day was coming, and have dreaded it because along with her graduation from high school came the end of her child support down to the fact that the last payment for June was prorated because she graduated 3 days before the middle of the month. Forget the fact that she still lives with me. She will be living with me as she pursues an education in the fall. I would never kick her or her sister out of my house. But the law says 18, so in their father's eyes, his responsibility has ended. This is not a diatribe about the much needed reformation of child support laws. I only pointed that out to paint the picture of the mood I have been in for the last month. I have really been down, for lack of a better word. I saw something today on social media that really made me take a step back. Briefly, it shows a young man asking people in a pizza place for a slice of pizza because he is hungry. He's not dressed particularly shabbily. He just looks like a regular kid. I will say he's a little abrupt in the way he asks, and the two people they show that he approaches tell him , "No." The next part of the video shows two other young men approach a homeless man on the street and present him with a full pizza. He thanks them, and they move on. The same young man from the restaurant then approaches the homeless man and, again, asks for a slice of pizza. The homeless man shares a slice with him without hesitation. He truthfully has NOTHING except the clothes on his back, and he shares with a total stranger expecting NOTHING in return. Two statements are superimposed over the video, "We make a living by what we get. We make a life by what we give." Seeing a man who had NOTHING  give so freely really made me re-evaluate the way I look at things. I often think I barely have enough money to pay my bills and eat. How can I give what I don't have? Now, I am not one to compare suffering. I think it's wrong. Suffering is relative. If you are hungry and have nothing to eat because you didn't grocery shop this week, it does not make you less hungry because I remind you that there are people who are starving and have no money to buy food. It may make you feel bad about complaining, but it does not change the fact that you are hungry. Seeing this video didn't change the fact that I am struggling financially and wish there was a way to crawl out from under bills. It did however make me see my struggle in a different light. It made me appreciate the countless times I have been helped by family and friends and even strangers. It made me realize that it isn't always about running around and working myself to death for the getting. LIFE is about the giving. I guess you could say that my financial life is a struggle because I did make my life about giving. I am sure there are a lot of people who would look at my life on paper and see that I have been single for 16 years and think, surely you should have been able to "move up" in those sixteen years so that life at 50 would not be a struggle. And.....if I had made my life about getting for those 16 years, I probably would be at least comfortable right now, if not a little ahead of the game, but I didn't. I made a commitment to giving my time, as much as I could, to my children. That meant taking the jobs where I didn't have to work nights, the jobs where I was off in the summer with them, neither of which pay a very big salary. And what have I gotten in return? A LIFE! A life full of love and beautiful relationships with both of my daughters who have grown up to be amazing young women, something I'm not sure would have happened if I had spent all of my time getting instead of giving. It's just like the story of the butterfly. Without the struggle, the beauty never materializes. Did I like struggling? No. Am I glad I struggled? Yes.