We Only Know the Middle. He Knows the End

 

I have not written a post for months. Not sure why. I promised myself when I started this blog that I would not write unless inspired. That sounds like a sad commentary on my life for the last nine months. It hasn't been that I haven't been inspired. I guess I just got the feeling that nobody wanted to listen anymore. Well, I felt like someone out there may need to hear this particular thought. We only know the middle. God knows the end. If you have read this blog at all in the last 12 years that I have been writing it, you know that I am a person of faith. I have been through a lot of things in my life that I know I would not have survived without faith. There is something comforting in knowing that someone bigger and smarter and more compassionate than me is in charge. Now, that is not to say that I don't try to run things in my life, because I DO! usually to my detriment. Something happened a couple of weeks ago that has turned our community upside down. A dear, sweet, faithful, young woman, that I know through the theatre community, was lost in a drowning accident. All of the questions and feelings come rushing forth. Why God? Why her? This is not fair! Anger, Confusion, Resentment, Guilt, Powerlessness, Denial, Devastation, Fear. I could go on and on. If you are not familiar with what happened after the accident, the search for her went on for a week. Here is the amazing thing, and this is why I am writing today. Her mother kept us all updated on Facebook every day as to what was going on. People came out in droves to help in the search. People all over the world were sending messages and praying. Her mother is a great person of faith, and that was clear in every post. I was in awe. I have a daughter almost the same age as hers, and I cannot say that I would have been able to do what she did. Now, many of you, at this point, are saying, "What good did your prayers do? She is still gone. The outcome was tragic!" You are right! The outcome was tragic! A beautiful girl has left this world, and we mourn her loss, and the life unlived, but we only know the middle. He knows the end. We, in our humanness, cannot understand why tragedy happens. I don't think God causes tragedy, but I believe He can take any situation and bring good out of it. We will never know how this event affected people, but God knows. We will never know how a mother's faith and testimony moved people to make it through their own crisis or inspired them to continue in this life, but God knows. We will never know if someone turned to God who had turned away because of this community's love for this family, but God knows. If any of those things happened, I know that this sweet girl is rejoicing that it did. Please do not twist my words and think that I am glad this happened. That is not what I am saying at all! What I am saying is that we cannot give up when things seem darkest. We have purpose! We have meaning! whether we are here for 30 years or 100. Live every day knowing that, and do not waste any of it.

Somewhere Safe to Fall

 

The last post I put out was fairly bleak. I am not a bleak person, very rarely anyway. After I posted and shared to Facebook, I got no response from my friends. I thought that odd, but it's happened before. I am sure I said something that upset the FB gods, and none of my friends saw it. I decided with everything that is going on right now, I needed to get off of social media. I have a very bad habit of letting that vortex of negative news suck me in, and it was really messing with me. I put out a quick status that said I would be leaving for a while. That status set off an outpouring of love and support. Yes, I logged on promising myself I would do nothing but read notifications from friends. It made me feel so much better. I'm still not back on Social Media, but I felt the collective virtual hug, and it made me think.

 Almost 2 years ago I moved further away from my office. I have about a 25 minute drive everyday. Well, I did before COVID. Now I work from home. At the same time, I was also going to the theater almost every night for rehearsals or performances, and I started to listen to books on tape. I've heard a lot of good ones, and as a little plug, it took me a long time before I would listen to a book on tape, but now, I love them, so give them a try. I listen while I am working at home, but then I was mostly listening on my commutes. Last summer I listened to Big Little Lies, by Liane Moriarty. I listened before I watched the series. I liked the way she wrote, and so I look out for her titles as they become available at the library. I just recently finished Truly, Madly, Guilty, by her. There is a quote in the book that really struck me, and I think it really applies to my current situation, everyone's really. "You can jump so much higher when you have somewhere safe to fall." I have jumped really high in my life. I have gone after almost everything I wanted to do, and most of the time I have been able to achieve my goals, but that isn't all on me. All through my life I have had somewhere safe to fall. I never felt like I would be ridiculed or gotten an "I told you so" if I failed. That somewhere safe was my family, my kids, and my friends. I kept jumping because they were there, that safety net. All of my friends and family were my virtual safety net the other day. I had the courage to jump into that honesty and say what I felt because they were my somewhere safe to fall. It gave me hope, and that's exactly what I needed. Thank you for letting me fall safely. Always know that I am here to be your net as well. Stay safe, and have hope!

The Unsung Hero

Mother's Day was 2 days ago, and if you read my last post, I didn't really focus much on Mother's Day because something else HUGE was going on. My oldest was graduating college, the first ever to do so in our family. It was weird getting ready for the day. Almost like it feels getting ready for Christmas. It's exciting! You can't wait for it to get here, but you're also really anxious. Have I done everything? Is everything ready? Do I have all the things I need to wear? What time should we get to the service, and on, and on, and on! And, just like Christmas, all this time is spent planning, and before you know it, the day is over. It was a huge day for my daughter, for all of us!If you read this blog, you know that I am a single mother and have been for 18 years. It took a lot to enable my girl to take that short walk across the stage to receive her degree, and she did not take that walk alone, but this post is about one person in particular. She was also in the audience to support Leah. She gave up her mother's day to sit through 2 1/2 hours to see her take that stride toward her future. I am talking about my sister.
In 1998 when my ex-husband left, my sister was living in Florida. Her support of me and my girls started then as many times we visited for a little oasis from the stress of all things single parenthood entails. Once she had her own baby she moved back home to Richmond and many times she stood in for me if I couldn't attend a school program because I was working or doing a show. She has been with Leah all through her college journey starting with visits to campuses. She has always been willing to help in whatever way she could including driving Leah all the way to Pittsburgh for her audition for Point Park's Theatre program. I was doing a show and, obviously, could not go. I was doing the same show during Leah's first college orientation at Catawba in NC, and Jenna was there in my stead. When Leah moved home at the end of her sophomore year to transfer to the University of Richmond, my sister made the trek with me to pack the car with 2 college years accumulation and hung out at the Mall while we waited for Leah to complete her RA duties before she could leave. She has ordered books, and shopped around for bargains, and attended plays, and pretty much anything else we needed help with. She didn't get any congratulations on Sunday, but she deserved it as well. So.. Congratulations, Jenna! Job well done! oh, and THANKS!

Mike Wazowski Has Left the Building

It is hard to believe that a little over 3 days ago I had brain surgery, and now I am sitting in my living room writing a blog post. Except for a little stuffiness in my nose, leftover from having it packed for 3 days, I feel fine. I'll admit I was a little nervous as Tuesday approached. I had no idea what to expect. I knew surgery would go fine, but I didn't know what I would face when I came out of anesthesia. Truthfully, I never really had any real pain beyond a sinus headache. Actually I had more pain from the numerous times I have been stuck for labs and IV's
It's been such smooth sailing that I cannot believe that I had, in my doctor's own words, a HUGE tumor removed from the middle of my brain. As I talked to Dr. Sahni before I left the hospital today he actually said that he could not believe I was walking around with it without complaining. I cannot tell you why things are going so well. It could be that I heal very well. I have a positive attitude. I have a high tolerance for pain. It could be all of those, but I do know that from the moment I announced I had this hundreds of people have held me in prayer and loving thoughts. I am so thankful for the love and support that everyone has shown to me and my family. I still have a journey ahead. There was a little leakage of spinal fluid, and a little fat was taken from my side to act as a plug. He could have taken all the fat, I don't mind sharing. My biggest challenge right now is taking it easy, not something I'm used to doing, but I am following doctor's orders. It's hard to judge the healing of something internal. I will close for now as I don't want to overdo, but thank you for being with me every step of the way,

Mike Wazowski

Well, ladies and gents, it is 12:20 AM on the day of my surgery. I have eaten my last morsel and drunk my last sip of water. In 5 short hours I will be on my way to the hospital for brain surgery. As the witching hour approaches, it seems surreal. This morning around 8AM I will go to sleep, and when I wake up about 5 hours later, this tumor will be gone. There are so many things I wonder about. How will I feel? What will my vision be like? How much have I just gotten used to? Of course, the big one, how much pain will I feel? I will be honest. I am a tad bit apprehensive. The anticipation is always far worse than the actual event. But tonight as I was riding around taking care of last minute things, something wonderful was happening, My phone was blowing up with friends and family texting and posting to Facebook their loving thoughts and prayers. I went to an event on Sunday night for the Richmond Theatre Community. My night was filled with hugs and squeezes and kisses all wishing me well and surrounding me with love! How can things not go well today? 

You may be wondering about the title of this post. My tumor is pretty round, and it has a small dark spot in the center, an eye, if you will, so I have named it Mike Wazowski, after the character in "Monsters, Inc." Mikey, my friend, time to exit stage right, and forget about a sequel!

See you on the other side, my friends.  

Happy "Like A Father's" Day

Two days ago America celebrated Father's Day, the day children give their dad  homemade cards and ties, and Mom gets him what he really wants, power tools and barbecue grills. My kids don't really do much on Father's Day. Their dad was not a daily presence in their life growing up as he left when they were 2 and 5. This post is about honoring people who have been their "Dads" as they've grown and through different stages of their life. Back in 1998 when we found ourselves a family of 3 instead of 4, we had no choice but to move in with my parents. Luckily they had a large enough home to accommodate us with out too much adjustment. I had planned when I had children to be a stay-at-home Mom, but, now, finding myself single, I had to get a job. I was adamant about not putting my 2 year old in Daycare. For one reason, I could not afford it, but I wanted them to be with me, and if not, the person needed to be a close friend or family member. My dad stepped up to the plate. He took on fatherhood a third time to give my girls a "Daddy" on a daily basis! They both had a wonderful relationship with him, and I know he adored them both. He picked them up from school and preschool, and he was there in the afternoon sitting on the porch when they got off the bus until COPD did not allow him to sit outside. He died in 2007 when they were 11 and 14, and I know it was as if they had lost their own father not just their grandfather. I am so grateful they were able to get to know him and spend precious time with him. Happy Father's Day Papa!
Both of my girls went to a very small elementary school in Henrico County called Pemberton. John Harding was the principal there for most of Leah's years and all of Georgi's. He was a wonderful mentor to my girls, and he was hugely supportive of their performing talents. He was a constant source of encouragement for them all through their grade school years. I am sure that his confidence in them at such early stages of singing and acting helped shape their love of the Arts all through their secondary school and now college careers. Happy Father's Day, Mr. Harding!
In 2004, we joined Derbyshire Baptist Church. I had been invited by a co-worker to her church because she knew I loved to sing, and her church had a wonderful music program. My girls and I were looking for a church. We visited one Sunday. I was very impressed with everything but especially the music. After the service, the minister of music, David Schwoebel, sought me out to speak to me. He was more than friendly and welcoming, but he did something I had never seen before, and that one thing made me decide right then and there that this was the church I was going to make my church. We had visited other churches, and quite frankly, some jumped on us, and by us, I mean me,  like we were porterhouse steaks that had been thrown into a lion's den, vying for that next family to grow their numbers. Not only did David Schwoebel make me feel like a person and not a number, he made a point to speak to both of my girls standing beside me, who were 9 and 12 at the time. He obviously thought they were important too. He asked them questions treating them, as anyone should, like they were part of the decision making process. He has supported them through all of their years at Derbyshire as they have sung in his children's, IMAGE Youth and Jubilate College choirs. He has attended their school plays and offered countless assistance with projects for school, or practice for an audition, or playing parts for Honors Choir or Quartet practice, all out of the goodness of his heart in his spare time, which for David Schwoebel, is a rare commodity. My oldest has said more than once that when it came time for her to get married, she could see Mr. Schwoebel walking her down the aisle. He has been a great resource for our family, but more than that he has been a great friend! Happy Father's Day, Mr. Schwoebel!
These three men all had their own families, but they took the time to be an important influence in my girls' lives. They and I are richer because we have known them, and they deserve to be celebrated!

Age is Just a Number, Right?

Today is Halloween, but it is also something else for me, and this year, it is a milestone! I was born on October, 31, 1963, at 1:20 in the afternoon. My mother swears that the reason she went into labor is because she had spent the entire previous day walking the sidewalks of Willow Lawn Shopping Center searching for just the right shoes to go with my older sister's Halloween costume. It was later discovered that my sister just wanted to ride the little mini coin operated Merry-Go-Rounds in front of the shoe stores, but I digress. I guess I have my sister to thank for the fact that I am born on Halloween, which I have to say is a pretty cool birthday to have! All of my birthday parties growing up were costume parties, and that turns out to be a pretty neat thing when your passion in life is acting and theatre! Everybody celebrates your day, and you get FREE candy. As a kid, what can be better than that? But this post isn't about Halloween or costumes or candy. Today this post is about turning 50! That's right, folks, I have lived half a century! Wow, when you put it that way, it sounds really ominous! But I am in pretty good company of people who have also turned the 40's corner this year, Brad Pitt, Lisa Kudrow, Mike Meyers, Benjamin Bratt, Vanessa Williams, Helen Hunt, John Stamos, Gail O'Grady, Eric McCormack, Michael Jordan and Kathy Ireland to name just a few celebrities. I've never really been obsessed with age. That could have something to do with my genes. My grandmother never looked her age, and nor does my mother at age 74. My grandmother also lived to be 96, so I'm certainly not at death's door at 50. I won't lie, this is a BIG one for me, not because I feel old, or, I'll say it, I don't think I act or look old, it's because of the perception of 50 and above. I am now, officially a Senior Citizen, and that's a whole different group than people in their Forties. I probably wouldn't be focusing on that as much if I were not single. I feel like it will become more difficult to find a companion now. I mentioned this scenario to my sister, and, ever the optimist, she said that maybe it would now become easier! So...let's go with that. This is also not a post about finding a man, but if you have any extras laying around, throw them my way! <Cue rim shot!> Thank you, ladies and germs, I'll be here all week! Tip your waiters and waitresses! 
50 Years! What have I done in 50 years? Well, pretty darn much! I've been a professional actor, defining that as being paid to act upon the stage, since I was 10 years old, and have been pretty lucky to have worked pretty consistently all of my adult life! That's not too shabby when you live and breathe on the stage! I had the incredible opportunity to co-star in an independent feature film, and win an award for my performance. I have been nominated for my work on the stage, and I have won awards in drama and speech. All of this has happened pretty much without ever leaving "my own backyard" so to speak. Pretty lucky, if you ask me. But before this starts to sound like a brag sheet, let me focus on the intangible, the things that mean the most to me, good and bad. I have experienced the deepest love imaginable, and felt profound loss. I have laughed until I cried, and cried until I felt I couldn't cry anymore. I have been thrown into a fire of despair but forged that much stronger because of it. I have two amazing daughters, and, yes, I know every parent says that, but in this case, it's true. They truly are my best friends, and I am lucky enough that they consider me the same, a rare, rare thing these days. I had two parents who believed in my dreams even when I didn't, and always encouraged me to go after them, and even though our childhood relationship wasn't the best for lots of reasons, I have a sister who loves me and my kids, and is there when I need her always. Don't even get me started on how blessed I am in the friend department! Would I like to have more money? Sure! Would I like to be able to give my girls all the things they NEED, not want? Absolutely! But all things considered, these 50 years have been a wonderful ride, and I can't wait to see what the next 50 bring!