Hope for the Future!

When I was in high school, back in the early 80's, I had a dear friend who was gay. Looking back now, I had a lot of friends who were gay, but they were not "out" In fact, a lot of them were pretending to be straight because admitting those feelings to anyone, even yourself was taboo.There was a stigma attached to it that something was wrong with you. People used words like "fairy" and "faggot" in every day conversation without thinking anything of it. In spite of all of this my friend decided in 1982 that he would not deny who he was and was very open about his homosexuality. The phrase "coming out" didn't really exist back then, or if it did, I hadn't heard it used, but my friend was "Out" I often worried about him because threats were made by ignorant people who somehow were threatened by my sweet friend's refusal to deny himself. I loved my friend and was concerned for him, but I never made a public stance in support of his choices. Back then homosexuality and being gay was not openly discussed as it is now. If there were any characters on television who were gay, they were usually the "comic relief", that funny effeminate neighbor. There were certainly no serious characters, and depicting a homosexual relationship was unheard of! I remember the HUGE controversy that surrounded Dynasty in 1981 when Steven Carrington was the first gay character on a series drama. I admired my friend's courage, but I didn't speak out.
Why did I tell you that story? I am overwhelmed and deeply touched by the bold and courageous statements being made in the very public forum of Facebook by my young high school friends who are "coming out" as allies in support of equality for ALL! Bravo! It takes courage and conviction to stand up for what you believe in, especially in the face of opposition on this very sensitive issue! For all the reporting of  drug use and violence and bullying in our schools that make me doubt the future of our country, these young men and women make me proud and give me HOPE!

“If you don't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?” ― RuPaul

It has become the practice in this country to assign special awareness to different months of the year. February is American Heart Month. April is Child Abuse Prevention Month and so on. October has several causes for awareness. Most well known to me was Breast Cancer. Until this morning, I did not know that October was also dedicated to Bullying Prevention. Social and News Media is abuzz with a clip of an anchorwoman addressing a very cruel email sent to her attacking her because of her size. She handles the very hurtful and delicate subject with eloquence and class. I admire her. It had to be hard to read those words initially, but then to share them on television, and I am sure, now, through the magic of viral video, the world, had to take courage. She did it for a reason. To embarrass the writer? No, she never mentions his name. She used it as an example of How words affect us, ALL of us. She used it to tell children who don't realize, that what people like this person say to them doesn't matter. Their words don't change who you are. I have written posts about bullying before. We didn't call it bullying when I was in elementary school. It was called teasing. I was teased about things all through my middle and high school years. I'm not saying I was immune to it. I wasn't. Words hurt, but I handled it in a different way. It didn't bother me as much for one reason. I had been raised to love myself, not in a conceited or vain way, but to value myself as a person. I know my family loved me, and I didn't just love myself, I liked who I was. That's what this post is about.  If October is Bullying Prevention month, let's start with ending the bullying of ourselves. I talk with my daughters about everything in their lives. We have had countless conversations about the scores of kids in their schools who cut themselves, or spend their weekends high, or sleep around because they have zero self esteem. It breaks my heart! Lack of Self Respect is a disease that's running rampant, and it's eating our kids alive! "You is kind. You is smart. You is important." ~ Aibileen Clark from The Help. Such simple words, but oh the validation they provide. I thank God everyday that I never got into drugs in school. I never wanted to. I never had the desire. I thank God that my girls have never even considered it, and in their words, "It's just dumb!" When my girls were 2 and 5, their father left. For the rest of their lives until now he has pretty much been a visitor, not really taking an active role in their day-to-day lives. To many, this seems tragic, and, I guess it could have been, but I decided one very important thing when all of that happened. I decided not to change. I decided I wasn't going to over compensate for the absence of their father by showering them with gifts or letting them get away with things or cutting them slack when it came to behavior with the excuse of, "They're just acting out." I took some heat for that decision, but I knew that if I completely changed the way I had been parenting because of a poor decision their father made, their world would have crashed and burned, and they would not be the amazing strong women they are today. I loved them, and trusted them, and made a point to always be honest with them, even when the truth wasn't pleasant, and, yes, I disciplined them. Shocker: They don't hate me. I have two of the best relationships between children and parents that I know of. I've made the statement before that I wish I could reach out to all those kids who are hating themselves right now for whatever reason, and let them know how very wonderful they are, not just with my words, but from the way I treat them. You are responsible for your own happiness! No one can change who you are with words. Believe in yourself and the amazing creature you were created to be. Stop comparing yourself to others. Be the best YOU you can be. If you're the Best, there is nothing above that. There is no other you, so know one can be a better YOU than you can. It has to start somewhere, and what better place than within our own selves?

Words Can Cut Deeper Than the Sharpest Knife

I have written in this blog before about the car accident I was in when I was 11. The reason I am talking about it again is something that happened to me because of the accident. I was permanently marked that night. The smooth, olive skin of my forehead was ripped to shreds by exploding glass. My eyelid was sliced in half, and the bottom of my nose was almost falling off. How does a surgeon even begin to piece something like that together? They do the best they can, and in my case, they used over 100 stitches. As you can imagine, skin that heals from 100 stitches is heavily scarred which brings me to the point of why I am writing this. The following year when I entered 6th grade, I received a note passed to me in class one day. It was a crude drawing of a stick figure, with a large head. All over the face of the figure were "Frankenstein-like" stitches and the word Scarface was written on the note. It had been passed to me by one of the boys in the class. I hadn't provoked it. I hadn't treated him badly in any way. In fact, I barely knew him, but for some reason he felt the need to tease me about something that was beyond my control. I remember acting like it didn't bother me. You see, I had an attitude then of "I'll show him. He's not going to make me cry." I did show him by showing the note to my teacher, who then showed it to my principal. The boy was suspended from school and was made to apologize to me. I often wonder how I would have gotten through all of that and the many years of teasing that would follow as I endured surgery after surgery if I hadn't had that "I'll show them" attitude.

In the last month 3 young boys have committed suicide because they were constantly teased and harassed for being different, something beyond their control and one college student because someone chose to reveal to the world that he was gay over the Internet. I am sick and tired of hearing the excuse of "kids will be kids" or "kids can be cruel" THERE IS NO EXCUSE!!! for bombarding another human being with taunts and name calling day after day after day. I don't have a solution, but I do know that all we can do is love our children every day, and teach them to respect everyone, and to never do anything that would cause someone hurt or pain. We teach them that it is wrong to physically harm people, but if we don't start teaching them the damage they can do with their words, we are lost.