One of the biggest challenges I face in my own faith, in times of great stress or pain, is trusting that God has a plan for me; that will make me happy and successful, even in the lowest of times, when nothing really seems to make sense or have purpose. Knowing that there is a Big Picture that is beautiful, even when you don’t have any of the pieces that make it up, gives me hope. We ask God, “Why?” a lot in the time that we are waiting for these pieces to come together. We cry out in despair, anger, anxiety and worry, because at the very core I think we know we are undeserving of that grace. Because of this, we also worry that we may never see that big picture.
But, something I have recently discovered is that God has a plan for us. This is not only because he wants us to be joyful and live happily ever after, but also because, through that journey there are lives that we are supposed to touch and possibly even change. Whether or not we believe that we deserve happiness and blessings, we are shown that grace because it is how we work in other people's lives. Our big pictures are not just about us, but are about everyone we have the opportunity to love. We can only inspire others while we ourselves are inspired, and we can only be inspired when we trust God to inspire us. So, I am writing this post today because when I fell to my knees and found myself at my lowest point, I finally looked up and was given the pieces to my big picture. I was given the gift of inspiration and for that; I feel I should share it.
This past year I found myself desperately searching for something. I didn’t know what it was, but I did know that without it I felt lost and a bit empty. Early last spring I was nearing the end of my sophomore year in college. Out of the five classes I was taking in that second semester, only one of them counted toward my major. I was advised to take five classes because I needed five credits to be on track to graduate. Therefore, I found myself enrolling in any classes I could get into once I finally had access to do so. These courses were taken in order to meet the credit requirements that were suggested by my advisor to graduate. Needless to say, I was in three classes that required a lot of hard work, but didn’t pique my interest or work in harmony with my end goal. I was overwhelmed, constantly drowning in work that I was neither inspired by nor passionate about, and saw no end in sight. I didn’t realize how much this stress was affecting me, or how unhappy I was, until I was taking a test that I had studied hours for, yet my mind went completely blank. I had facts in my brain but could not bring them forward. I remembered reading about the subjects each question addressed, but nothing more than the familiarity of the subjects came to mind. I couldn’t help but feel panicked and anxious, so all I could do was try to finish as quickly as I could so I could get out of that room.
When I got home, I sat in silence wondering how I had gotten to this point. I wondered how it could have gotten this bad without my noticing, and I realized that I wasn’t happy to begin with. I always felt like I needed to cry, was always agitated and/or very angry over small things. I dreaded going to class and avoided making friends. I was also obviously losing grip of my short term memory. I had no self-confidence, and my depression and anxiety had almost become crippling. I wasn’t living; I was just merely getting by.
After coming to this realization, it did not take me long to make the decision to leave school. It was an easy decision in terms of my health, but a very hard decision to make in terms of my future, and what I had planned for myself. I would use this time to take care of myself because I had completely lost myself, and had forgotten how to get back to who I was. I will never be able to express how sorry I am to my family for how awful I must have been during this time, or how thankful I am to them for loving me unconditionally anyway.
Fast forward a year. I’ve worked a retail job at Ulta as a beauty advisor for a year and have learned a lot about people, cosmetics, customer service, and the importance of employee support. I can’t say, honestly, that I have enjoyed this job, for multiple reasons, but I learned a lot of valuable things about hard work. I also met a few amazing people including one of my managers who saw and appreciated the value of having a hard worker, and a coworker who made my last months there bearable, and who I know, is going to be one of my truest best friends until we’re old, grumpy cat ladies. Even though this place gave me things that I am thankful for, it was a place that I desperately needed to get out of.
Now comes the happy and maybe even inspirational part of this post. During this entire year, I constantly prayed for God to help me find my happiness as well as my path. I had felt disconnected from God during this time and constantly prayed to him, but never felt like he was answering me. I knew he hadn’t abandoned me, but I was broken and desperately wanted to see the bigger picture. Little did I know, this “bigger picture” was made up of three different pieces. Each piece came at the exact times I needed them, but I didn’t see them for exactly how special they were until just recently when they all came together.
1. The first of the three pieces was rediscovering my passion for art. My mother has always seen potential in me when it came to art, potential that I never saw myself. I hadn’t really done anything with art, other than photography, since middle school and didn’t ever think of it as something I had lost or something that would bring so much of me back to life. When I took art classes in middle school, I never felt like I had ever really found a style that was uniquely mine. My mom reintroduced me to that part of myself by getting me a bunch of adult coloring books and really nice colored pencils for Christmas and my birthday. I was surprised at how much calmer, and more like myself, I felt just by having control over the colors and shading I chose, as well as the creative aspects of simply coloring. I discovered my unique style when, on a whim, I decided to paint the stained glass art from the beginning of Disney’s Beauty and the Beast on a wooden ‘L’ for my sister Leah’s birthday. It turned out really nice, which surprised me being that I think I am awful at painting, and this inspired me to create other images in this stained glass style. I sat down one day and began to create a Wizard of Oz piece in a similar stained glass style for my mother, because it is her favorite movie of all time. It flowed out of my hands faster than I could really comprehend and once I added the colors and shading, I knew that I had found a style of art that was uniquely mine. All of a sudden, I found myself creating a new piece every free minute I had, and before I knew it I was inspired by this new passion I had found and wanted to turn into a business. I named it “WiseCracksArt”, created an email account, a Facebook page, and Instagram account and have gotten so much support and love from both people I know as well as people I don’t. My art is now in the homes of a few friends and family who seemed to love the style I had found, and I have just recently sold my first piece. My art was the first piece to my “big picture” because It brought back such an important part of myself that I had lost. It gave me something to be passionate about, and every time I created a piece I felt closer to God. When I start a piece, it’s almost as if I feel my talent is not my own. I am just the lucky person that God is working through. When it flows from my head to my hand to the paper, I can tell that I am not creating by myself, and have always believed that my talents are gifts from God. Therefore, I can never fully claim these talents as my own. Humility is knowing that your talent is God working through you in order to reach other people. In accepting this, we will sometimes fall short because we are imperfect.
2. The second piece of my picture is actually not a thing, but is a family. In January 2015, the church I attend welcomed a new minister to youth and young adults along with his wife into our church family. Over the course of that first year I got to know them both a bit when William gave me the opportunity to help out with a youth event. Afterward, he then extended the invitation for me to be a part of the team of youth leaders on a weekly basis. Though I appreciated this and have absolutely loved it, it wasn’t until January of the next year that I truly realized what a blessing they would be in my life. That January, they welcomed two baby girls into their world. From the moment I found out they were pregnant, I was nothing but thrilled for them, but had never been a baby person. Even the first several times that I had an opportunity to hold one of the girls, I politely declined and that was that. A little later when I was asked to help in the nursery four Wednesdays in a row, I was stuck with them, and couldn’t be more thankful that I was. One of the girls was a bit fussy my first Wednesday. Everyone had tried to calm her down, yet nothing had worked, so finally it was my go. She was squirming a lot to see everything, so I paid attention to that and held her in a way that she could see everything but could also relax and be comfortable. She fell asleep in a matter of minutes. I felt like some magical wizard in the nursery for the next few Wednesdays, but in reality, I had just connected with her. Because of the bond I was forming with the girls, I had also developed a closer relationship with their parents, whether I was babysitting for them or just going over to hang out with the babies and their mom whenever she needed help. Little did I know that all of this was just working up to something that would save me from a job I mentally couldn’t do anymore. Their mother would be getting a promotion at work, which meant more responsibilities and more hours. They had thrown out the idea of making me their nanny sort of casually, so I assumed they may have been joking around at first because this seemed too good to be true. It seemed at times that it would not materialize for a while, but finally the stars aligned and we had a start date. I gave my two weeks’ notice and everything fell into place. I would get to take care of these two little angels that I had grown to love so much, work for their parents who I had grown to love so much, and got to leave a work environment that brought stresses that were not far from the reasons I had left school. I thought that this alone was my saving grace. Not only did I gain a job that I loved, I also gained two amazing and true friends. When I had been at school, I shut down and kept to myself. I alienated myself from any old friends and from any potential new friends. Then working a stressful job, I couldn’t find the time or energy to reconnect or find new friends other than Alexa, one of my co-workers, so their friendship and support meant the world to me. I had another part of my life where I felt safe and supported and loved another piece to my big picture.
3. The third piece to this big picture comes in the form of an unexpected opportunity. On March 25th at 1:22, I got a text from my step sister April, inviting me to her Mary Kay Grand opening celebration at her house. It was to celebrate her and her new adventure, starting as a brand new independent beauty consultant with Mary Kay. At 1:23 on March 25th I replied, “That sounds great! I would love to!!” Let me start by telling you, this is not something I saw myself ever being interested in attending. One, because I don’t like gatherings where I don’t know the majority of the people or gatherings with a lot of people in general, and two, because Mary Kay was something I pre-judged as “something people tried to sell my mother forever ago”. Also, just recently working at Ulta, this was not something I was intrigued by....So, I don’t know what possessed me to immediately say I would love to go, but that is what happened. The night of the party comes around, and I am anxious, which is my usual reaction to anything new, (or anything period) but I picked up the friend who kindly agreed to go with me and we headed to April’s house. As soon as April's sales director Karen started April’s grand opening, I was immediately put at ease. She was very real and genuine and clearly very passionate about what she did. I have never been someone who was sold easily. I come from a family that has always had to be very careful with money, because we never had much, but every product Karen talked about, I wanted! It was easy to see that she was so excited about each product, which meant she believed in each product, meaning that they worked. I was swept up in all of it, and wanted to try all of the products, but she not only shared the products with us, but also shared the business opportunity of Mary Kay. This was the part I wasn’t looking forward to, but she didn’t present the opportunity by bragging about everything she had accomplished or benefits she’s received. She did not present it by begging or pressuring anyone. She presented it as something that she has loved seeing change women's lives in such an amazing way, and would love to see change ours. You could see that her favorite part of her career was being able to help women, in whatever form that took, with her Mary Kay business. I was so inspired by her passion and excitement, and couldn’t stop my mind from imagining what a career in Mary Kay would look like in my life. I received a certain trait from my mother, which she had gotten from her father. We have all of these really big ideas, but let them slip away because they seem too unattainable and overwhelming, so when I took the packet of information that shared more specifics about the Mary Kay Business, I expected the same thing to happen to this exciting opportunity. Even though the packet sat in the floor of my car for about a week, my mind couldn’t shake the idea of a career in Mary Kay. I never stopped thinking about it. It didn’t slip away. Even when I told my mom about it, she had complete faith that I could be very successful at it. One of the reasons I had never seen myself doing anything like this is because I had always been afraid to fail, whether I failed because I didn’t know what I was doing, or because I wasn’t organized, or wasn’t confident enough in the choices and skills that were required. But, one of the first things I heard Karen ever talk about was how excited she was for April and her new business. She then went on to reassure all of us by saying that we had nothing to worry about, and that she would take care of April and ensure that April was trained, confident in what she was doing, and successful. This was so simple, but was one of the main reasons I felt confident in my decision to start. Knowing you always have someone there for you, that supports and encourages you, and has an answer for every question you have, whenever you have it, makes a life changing decision like this a lot less scary and overwhelming. All of this happened in the middle of a time when my mother and I knew, financially, we would need help soon, and for some reason, I did not worry one bit about it because I knew we would be okay. I didn’t know how I knew, but I knew. The next day, God placed the first step of this journey in my path and I could not ignore it. I waited until I got paid, and that night the first thing I did was get on my computer and become a new Independent Beauty consultant on April’s Mary Kay team. I placed my order for my starter kit on a Tuesday and got it that Thursday, right before I had my first new consultant boot camp training at Karen’s house. In the time between Tuesday and Thursday the only problem I found on my heart, before I got all my products to try in my kit, was the fact that so many of my friends who were my age might have the same first thought about Mary Kay that I had. I knew I wanted to change the way people viewed Mary Kay. People who already used Mary Kay products absolutely loved them, but I wanted to reach people my age as well with this amazing business and these amazing products. I wanted everyone, no matter what age, to see that Mary Kay is the product for them. Thursday, on the way to my first training, I had this panicked feeling again. I was growing more and more antsy as I tried to make my way through the traffic and get to Karen’s house in time. I finally got there and tried to calm myself down while walking up to her front door. I rang the doorbell, and she answered with a very warm welcome telling me how excited she was for me! As I turned the corner to sit at the table with the rest of the new beauty consultants, I saw printed words in a frame hanging on the wall over Karen’s right shoulder. “‘For I know the plans I have for you’ declares the Lord. ‘Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future’ Jeremiah 29:11.” This bible verse is tattooed on my sister’s wrist and is her favorite verse. Yes, I know it has been said that this is one of the most commonly quoted, tattooed, and favorite verses from the bible, but it was the perfect message and sign from God at that moment. I had been using and trying out the Mary Kay products in my starter kit for a week and realized why I was anxious about what other people would think. It was because I did not fully believe in the product yet and still had the assumption, myself, that these products couldn’t reach everyone. I let my own fear of my idea about Mary Kay freak me out. This completely melted away when I tried the products. Everything I have tried is amazing and I was overwhelmed again, but not by anxiety, by excitement. I finally understood and experienced the passion that Karen exuded the first time I met her. Karen also invited me to a leadership luncheon, which was my first time meeting a large group of accomplished successful leaders on the Mary Kay team. I’m sure you could say it with me at this point, I was anxious about it. Anyway, I could have said no or that I was busy, but for some reason, again, I just said yes and that I would be there. Every single woman I came in contact with that day was so sweet and supportive. The group is a family of women that thrive off of seeing their friends achieve success. There is not a bit of envy or competition; only room for growth, love, and support.
I could go on and on, and already have, but I will not share every detail today. I just wanted to start this part of my life the right way, and wanted to share it the right way. I wanted to tell everyone about it in a way that made it clear what a blessing it has already been, and how excited I am. I have been on her team for three weeks, and not one day has passed where I have not woken up with a fire in my soul to constantly be learning more. Writing this now, my heart is beating fast and my wheels are turning. I knew I was meant to take this journey when the drive and excitement that was pushing me to work hard on it no longer had anything to do with the money, but had to do with loving and wanting to share the products and the possibilities with other people. I am not doing this because I might need a woman to buy products from me, I am doing this because a woman might need me, this opportunity, to be pampered, or might need something to make her feel beautiful. I have always been happiest when I have the chance to affect someone else in a positive way, and that is what Mary Kay is all about. Karen said, “Maybe Mary Kay is not my dream, but it is the vehicle to achieving my dream,” and this is the third piece of my “big picture”. I’m not saying there will not be other pieces, I’m only 21, and there may even be other pictures. But right now, this picture looks pretty good. I am not just surviving, I am living, and it is nice to be able to say that again. Thank you for loving and supporting me. And thank you, Mommy, for literally everything.
