And So, Here I Am Again.

I am relatively sure that if a survey were taken of several hundred people asking them to list 10 things they feel uncomfortable or embarrassed doing, I would bet that asking for help would appear somewhere on that list. No one wants to ask for help. It starts when we are little and learning to walk. We want to do it ourselves. Then in grade school we don't raise our hand to ask a question or say that we don't understand the material for fear of being judged or thought of as stupid. As we become adults we find it hard to ask for help when we are struggling because society has taught us that we must learn to stand on our own 2 feet. Asking for any kind of help is hard, but when money is the issue, it becomes unbearable! 

Almost exactly a year ago I found myself in a situation I never thought I would be in. I had been diagnosed with a brain tumor, technically a pituitary tumor, but it was in the middle of my brain, so brain surgery was required. I had lost ALL of my peripheral vision because the tumor was pressing on my optic nerves. I had no idea how I was going to afford the astronomical medical costs and loss of wages that having this surgery would cause. And before you ask, yes I do have insurance, but 30% of a $229,000 hospital bill, even when it is cut down to the "reasonable and customary" charge was something this single mom could not even fathom of how to come up with the money to pay. I am not an extravagant person. I never really have been, but when I became the single mother of 2 girls ages 2 and 5, frugal became my middle name. I have no savings as eating was more important to us. We rarely take vacations because we can't afford them. I am not saying all this to solicit a pat on the back. I want to share that I am not a frivolous person when it comes to money. See, there's that fear of being judged rearing it's ugly head. Last year my youngest daughter started a GoFundMe page to help with my medical expenses and to help with my loss of wages while I was recovering. I was humbled to say the least. Friends and strangers came to my aid. I was so grateful. Never in a million years would I have thought last year that I would be going through all this again, but I am. The Reader's Digest version is that there was some of the tumor left. When the neurosurgeon describes the tumor as "huge" you know it must have been a bear. I knew that eventually I might have to have that removed if it grew, but about a month ago I was devastated to learn that I had now developed a cyst in the same area, and it is already affecting my vision. This has changed everything. I was planning to wait so I could save up vacation and sick time to avoid loss of wages. Maybe I could save a little money or get a part time job to bank some to help with expenses, but now I am right back in the same boat and can't do either of those things because of the quick pace at which we have to move to get the tumor and cyst out. My surgery is scheduled for November 2nd. Added to that they are doing the procedure this time with an "inter-operative MRI" to make sure ALL of the tumor is gone before I come out of the operating room. I found out today that because of that I will need an additional MRI before I go into surgery to make sure that process runs smoothly. I am still trying to find the money to pay for the MRI done last summer that revealed the cyst. Just to give you an idea, each MRI costs me $750.00. The hospital bill will cost into the thousands, and because of recovery time, I may lose anywhere from $500.00 to $1000.00 in wages, not to mention that last year my "disability" income did not even get approved until well after I had returned to work. As we all know, bills don't wait. they are due when they are due. I'm not going to go on and on, and I am not trying to make this sound like a sob story. The long and short of it is that I am asking for help again. I wish I didn't have to, and if I win Publisher's Clearing House, I will make sure to let everyone know and give any GoFundMe money to charity, but until that happens, I will need money to hopefully get this thing in my brain to leave and STAY GONE this time. 

I know so many of you that read this blog helped me last time, and I will never be able to tell you how grateful I was and still am. Let me say thank you in advance to anyone who chooses to help now, and my greatest wish is that some day I will be in the financial position to pay it forward 1000 times over. The link to the page is above, but I will post it here again. Thank you. I love you all!

https://www.gofundme.com/b26dhnqu# 

24 on the 24th

As of the very first typing of this entry it is 12:00 AM on September 24, 2016. This is a very special day in my life. For one reason, this is the day my parents chose to marry back in 1960, and because of that day, I was eventually born. So, in essence, because of September 24th, 1960 and what happened on that day, I am here. Because I was born, the second special thing happened on this day. On September 24, 1992, I had a baby girl. So much has happened since she came into the world 24 years ago. She began life with 2 parents who were married. She was an only child. She had 2 aunts and an uncle, 4 grandparents, and 1 great-grandparent. Today she faces life raised by a single mom. She has lost 2 grandfathers and her great grandmother. She has gained a sister with whom she grew up as best buds, a cat that she loves fiercely, a college degree and just recently her very first car she bought on her own.  She has faced more trials than most young women her age, and life has not always been easy, but she has never given in. She has persistently gone after what she has wanted in life. Today she is a professional actress having secured a job with Va-Rep's touring company. She has wanted to be an actress most of her life, and she is. I know she knows how lucky she is to be able to say that. I always told her that she needed to make a decision. She could go after 2 things as an actress. She could go after fame or making her living, but they were not necessarily the same thing. Would she love to be accepting an Emmy, Oscar or Tony in the next 5 years? Sure! But..going to a job everyday that she loves is just fine for now. She will leave for "the road" on September 29th, and will be gone most of the fall. She will see a good portion of the East Coast and visit many places that she has never been. I am so excited for her, and I have to say, a little envious. But I am definitely proud of her. I cannot say it enough! What an adventurous 24 years, but one thing I know for sure, the next 24 will be just as adventurous if not more so. With this birthday you begin your first official year as a full fledged grown-up. No more school! This is real life, kid! I have no doubt you're going to kick its ass! Happy Birthday, sweet girl! I love you!

Mike's "Cysta" is Already a Problem Tennant

Back in the middle of July I wrote an entry with an update on my tumor (Mike Wazowski). I know several of you have been following my progress through this whole tumor/brain surgery ordeal that started a little less than a year ago. Wow! That's hard to believe that it's been almost a year since the exisitence of Mike was first discovered. So much has happened in these last 10 months. When one is told that they have a tumor it strikes a chord. No matter what is said after that, you have this initial feeling of dread. It is probably because we've watched too many scenes in movies or on TV where the hero or heroine fights bravely to the death with a brain tumor, we instantly think CANCER. Mine was not cancer. It was never thought to be cancer, but knowing that, I almost took it too lightly at first. Even after everything was removed, (well, not everything) I felt fine, by my standards. I have my granfather's "shake it off" constitution, so I thought I'm feeling fine. It's all over, and even if there is something hanging around, I can live with it until it poses a threat. I had made all mylittle plans of waiting until May to have my surgery. Afterall that fits better with my schedule, and I can bank enough time at work to be able to take the month needed to recover at full salary instead of 2/3 or, worse, days with no salary at all. NEWSFLASH: Threat posed! Last week I saw Dr. Astruc, the eye specialist who first caught the problem, for a routine follow-up. Part of the follow-up was a field of vision test as I had had the previous 2 visits since Mike had mostly affected my peripheral vision. I was a little worried when I took the eye test, you know the one with the letters, and my right eye was acting the same way it had when all this mess started but not as bad. The last letter in the line was invisible, not the last 2. But, as we tend to do as humans, I rationalized. It's dark in here. Maybe I have something in my eye, etc., etc. Then I went to take the field of vision test, and we started the process of staring down the long tunnel and clicking the plastic piece in my hand every time I saw a flash of light. Back to the examining room to wait for Dr. Astruc. As he looked at the results compared with my results in May, I didn't hear what I wanted to hear. Left eye? PERFECT! Right eye? Another dark spot has appeared. Well, CRAP! He said that he thought the cyst was probably causing that, but he would send the report to Dr. Sahni, my neurosurgeon, and he would make the determination of how to proceed. I saw Dr. Astruc on a Wednesday, and Thursday morning I got a call from Dr. Sahni. To summarize: My plans to wait until May went out the window. In fact, when I told Dr. Sahni I wanted to wait until then, he chuckled and said, "No, you cannot wait until then." So as it stands now, I am shooting for the first week of November, almost exactly where I was a year ago. I'm not thrilled, but it is what it is. What else am I going to do? This time they will do what Dr. Sahni called an Inter-operative MRI. That means they will do the MRI while I am still under to make sure EVRYONE vacates! I can tell you one thing. Mike's not getting his security deposit back!

It's My Daddy's Birthday

Today, my daddy would have turned 81. He has been gone almost 9 years, and at the typing of this my eyes are welling with tears. I was definitely a daddy's girl, and I think I will always miss him. Lately I have been thinkning about him a lot. He was a staunch Republican, for one. I grew up in a house that believed Nixon was railroaded. I'm serious, but I think even Daddy would scratch his head at this year's Republican nominee. Daddy might even, dare I say it, vote Democrat this year. Politics was not the only thing where my father and I differed in opinion, but I could always count on him to tell the truth, something rare these days. I especially miss being able to ask him for advice. Although he dropped out of high school, he knew something about everything. He could tell you anything about cars. He knew if he was getting a good deal, and if he was being rooked. He tinkered a lot and could fix most anything.
He would be fiercely proud of his granddaughters. He would have cried a river watching Leah graduate from college this past May, and shed just as many tears listening to Georgi's angelic voice singing some of his favorite Simon and Garfunkel songs. I love that she discovered them on her own, and loves their music just as much as my dad did.
I guess what I loved the most is that I know my daddy loved me. With all the hurt and brokenness in the world, I realize more and more each day how lucky I was. With all of our disagreements, I KNEW I could count on him for anything. He believed in me and supported me without me having to ask for a thing. He wasn't perfect. No one is, but I wouldn't have traded with anyone. I miss you, Daddy! Happy Birthday!

Mike Wazowski Has a Friend, and It's not Sully

It's a lovely Saturday morning. I am sitting here in my new house enjoying the little Florida room in the back, one of the features that really sold me on moving in. It's quiet. All I can hear right now are the sounds of nature and my kitty, Lacy purring beside me. I have needed this all week, and I am glad just to sit here and enjoy the "downtime." It's been a crazy week, folks. First of all, we are moving into a new building at work. Statistics state that moving, of any kind, ranks third in stressful life events, ranking only behind death and divorce.  This is the second time I'm moving in the span of just 2 months. Add to that, uncertainty about the move at work. We are all packed only to find out the move date has changed.  So there's that. Then I get my cleaning deposit back from my previous move, something I have been looking forward to so I can shop for a sofa, to find it is 1/10 of what I deposited, I was livid, but that's another blog post. Then last Thursday was my day to see the neurologist to find out the results of my follow up MRI to see if my friend Mike Wazowski had grown back. Well, here's the scoop. Mike doesn't seem to have grown, but a friend has moved in with him. In looking at the most recent films, the conclusion is that I have now developed a cyst in the area Mike used to reside called the Cella. The best way I can describe the location is the space between the two hemispheres of your brain. The cyst is at the top of this space, and what Mike left behind is at the bottom. I am in no imminent danger, not like things were before when Mike took up the entire space and then some, but here is the disappointing news I received. I must have the same procedure all over again to drain and remove the cyst, and while we're in there will make sure that Mike has totally vacated his space. I was less than thrilled to hear that. I just wanted to be done with all of it, and I know that many will say, but at least it's not cancer, and it could be worse, and 1000's of other attempts at what they feel are comforting words, but the fact remains that for the second time in the span of a year, I am going to have to have brain surgery, and IT SUCKS!!! It's the exact same surgery, with the exact same recovery time which means loss of time from work and more money that I don't have. And before you ask, yes, I have insurance, but paying 30% of a $229,000 hospital bill, even after insurance knocks it down to their allowable charge is still an expense I can't afford, and yes, I know I can set up a payment plan, but I don't have any EXTRA. That's the facts, plain and simple people. Right now, it sounds like I am throwing myself a pity party. I'm not! I write this blog to be honest about the way I feel and think. Part of the reason I do that, especially with something like this, is because I want other people who are going through this or something like it to read this and say, hey, I feel like that too. I'm not alone out here going through my crisis. Somebody understands the way I feel.
So, plan of action, for those who are curious. I will wait, which my doctor says is ok this time, until I can earn enough vacation and sick time to cover the month it will take to do this. That will help with a little of the financial dark cloud. So we are probably looking at early 2017. Until then, Mike and his new roommate better behave, there's no vacancy in Hotel Cella!

Christian Extremism...Unfortunately It Exists

“If we lived in a righteous government, they should round them all up and put them up against a firing wall, and blow their brains out,” 

A quote from Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Idi Amin? No, this quote is directly from a sermon. Yes, you heard me correctly, a sermon given by Pastor Roger Jimenez of Verity Baptist Church in Sacramento. I have looked at the website for this church, and it looks normal enough until you begin to read. On the home page, they stay pretty tame even ending with this phrase, “We hope this website will allow you to get to know us better, and we would love to get to know you personally at one of our services.” Now, let me add something to that last sentence, these 3 words, UNLESS YOU’RE GAY! Because, ladies and gentlemen, the quote above is from a sermon delivered in response to the horrific attack in Orlando. Make no mistake! Pastor Jimenez is not calling for the murder of terrorists, not that that would be Christian either, but he is calling for the murder of all homosexuals. He goes on to “praise” the actions of Sunday’s shooter, saying that he is “glad” that “50 pedophiles” were killed. That because of the mass shooting, Orlando, Florida is safer. You can’t make this stuff up, people. I wish I was! Here’s the really scary thing, as far as I know, Verity Baptist Church is still functioning. It still has a congregation. People, Families are attending there. Children are being taught this crap as “truth!” To my knowledge, no one challenged him, no one ran from the church screaming. They all sat there and listened. At least nothing was reported to the contrary. I have said this before, and I mean it. If this is the way I have to be to call myself a Christian, then I don’t want to be a Christian! I love God! I believe God loves me and cares for me. I have seen too many things in my life that I know God brought me through. I believe Jesus died for my sins, but I refuse to believe, no matter what part of the Bible you cherry pick from that God wants to kill all homosexuals. This, my friends, is more dangerous than any gun, because this church is raising a generation of children (read more about their family integrated church) to believe that hate and killing is not only right but something God wants them to do. Hmmmmm what does that sound like? Islamist Extremism, you know the Taliban, or ISIS. The really frightening thing? No one is trying to stop this school of hate, freedom of speech and all that. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy that I live in the country that I do, and I enjoy the freedoms that I do, but when I come across someone like Pastor Jimenez whose exercise of that freedom breeds hate and contempt, it scares the hell out of me. 

The Unsung Hero

Mother's Day was 2 days ago, and if you read my last post, I didn't really focus much on Mother's Day because something else HUGE was going on. My oldest was graduating college, the first ever to do so in our family. It was weird getting ready for the day. Almost like it feels getting ready for Christmas. It's exciting! You can't wait for it to get here, but you're also really anxious. Have I done everything? Is everything ready? Do I have all the things I need to wear? What time should we get to the service, and on, and on, and on! And, just like Christmas, all this time is spent planning, and before you know it, the day is over. It was a huge day for my daughter, for all of us!If you read this blog, you know that I am a single mother and have been for 18 years. It took a lot to enable my girl to take that short walk across the stage to receive her degree, and she did not take that walk alone, but this post is about one person in particular. She was also in the audience to support Leah. She gave up her mother's day to sit through 2 1/2 hours to see her take that stride toward her future. I am talking about my sister.
In 1998 when my ex-husband left, my sister was living in Florida. Her support of me and my girls started then as many times we visited for a little oasis from the stress of all things single parenthood entails. Once she had her own baby she moved back home to Richmond and many times she stood in for me if I couldn't attend a school program because I was working or doing a show. She has been with Leah all through her college journey starting with visits to campuses. She has always been willing to help in whatever way she could including driving Leah all the way to Pittsburgh for her audition for Point Park's Theatre program. I was doing a show and, obviously, could not go. I was doing the same show during Leah's first college orientation at Catawba in NC, and Jenna was there in my stead. When Leah moved home at the end of her sophomore year to transfer to the University of Richmond, my sister made the trek with me to pack the car with 2 college years accumulation and hung out at the Mall while we waited for Leah to complete her RA duties before she could leave. She has ordered books, and shopped around for bargains, and attended plays, and pretty much anything else we needed help with. She didn't get any congratulations on Sunday, but she deserved it as well. So.. Congratulations, Jenna! Job well done! oh, and THANKS!