I Am One of the Parasite Class

 

I have been silent for a while. Partly because I was busy with a show, but also there is so much to write about, where do I start? I have now been off of Facebook for a full month. I can't say I miss it much. I am still on Instagram, and I could slap myself for ever clicking on a Plinko ad. I am not kidding, there is now a Plinko ad every other frame, but that is not what I am writing about today. I have really tried hard not to look at the news for the last month, but I do see some of what's going on in between the Plinko ads. Tonight, I skimmed through some headlines, and I saw that Musk reposted the below meme on "X" with his addition. 

 

Federal Programs? Hmmm. All federal programs, or just the ones you think deserve it? And how could he think that 90% of Americans aren't benefitting in some way from federal programming? And, here's a little insight for people who are dumb enough to think that all of these massive cuts aren't affecting them. Social Security is a federal program, yes, but it's not a hand out from the government. If you have ever worked in your life, there is an amount that is taken out of every paycheck you get for social security. You are paying for that program to help others and so you will have something when you stop working. Of course, most of us cannot even afford to stop working if we were going to receive our "full" benefit. It is not enough to live on, but I digress. I am sure a vast majority of the people who are happy with what is going on right now think that federal programs refers to welfare, as they called it in my younger years or government assistance. You know, the "bums who are too lazy to get a job and live off of the government, the 'parasites'" Well, I was one of those "parasites." I have shared this story before, but for those of you who are new to this blog, at the age of 34, 27 years ago today, I found out that my husband, the love of my life, the sole bread winner (I was a stay-at-home Mom of our 2 children, ages 2 and 5) was having an affair with a co-worker, and my life blew up. I tried my best to change so he would stay with me because I must have done something wrong for him to cheat on me. NOTE: This is what happens in this situation almost always. The party being cheated on believes it is somehow their fault, and the party cheating plays into that and perpetuates it. I hung in there for 4 more months trying my hardest to save my marriage all to come home from a trip away with my children to visit a friend and her family to an empty house with a letter telling me he'd left, and I should get my act together. He didn't just leave us. He left both of his jobs, took the only functioning car, and overdrew the checking account. In the matter of one day, through no fault of my own, I had nothing, less than nothing. I had no job, no money, with overdraft fees piling up because he had taken the full balance of money out of the checking account, no savings and 2 small children to raise. Oh, and lest I forget, when he left his job, we no longer had medical insurance. Think of yourself in that situation. What can you do? How will you live? How will you feed your children? Even if you could get a job, how could you get there? You have no car. If you could get to the job, what do you do with your children? How do you afford daycare? You have no idea where your husband is because he certainly didn't tell you, and even if you found him, he quit both of his jobs, and he has no money to give you. I did the only thing I could. I applied for government assistance and food stamps. Let me tell you, I grew up in a white middle class and later upper middle class home, and I always believed that line that people on welfare are lazy. They don't want to get a job. I was pretty judgy! And here I was using food stamps at the grocery store. I was so embarrassed to use them. I knew everyone was judging me because I had done the exact same thing to others out of ignorance. I found a job within 2 months, not a huge paying job, not even close to the salary my husband had been making, but thanks to the help of family and friends, I was able to work without paying the exorbitant amount it would have cost me to put my children in daycare. When I started the job, my government assistance stopped except for the medical insurance for my children, but I don't know how we would have survived without that assistance for those 2 months. Are there people that play the system? I'm sure there are, but that happens all the time, but those are the few, most are in situations they never thought they would be in. They never thought they would have to rely on the government to support them. They never thought they would have to become a "parasite." In case you don't know the exact definition, here a 2 from Webster's dictionary. The first: an organism living in, on, or with another organism in order to obtain nutrients, grow, or multiply often in a state that directly or indirectly harms the host. 

The second: someone or something that resembles a biological parasite in living off of, being dependent on, or exploiting another while giving little or nothing in return. Notice that the first definition cuts the biological parasite some slack in the highlighted portion, "directly or indirectly," in other words, the biological parasite needs a host to live, and possibly just by living and doing nothing else, they may harm the host. They're not setting out to harm the host, they are simply trying to survive. The second definition of a human parasite gives no leniency, going so far as to use the word, "exploiting," and the phrase "giving little or nothing in return." How very much like that we have become. We show more empathy and understanding to a tick or a tapeworm than a human being. Let me say it louder for those in the back a HUMAN BEING. I was just trying to survive and feed my children, but according to Elon Musk and supposedly 90% of Americans, I was a parasite. Who are we? Who have we become? If you are one of the people who is watching with glee as all these people are losing their jobs, these veterans losing their benefits, people not able to get their medication, just remember, my life changed in 1 day. I went from leading a comfortable life to less than nothing, no home, no car, no job and no money. Be careful, because you might just have to become a parasite to survive.

                                                  

Death Isn't Funny?

 Let me say first for the Grammar Monitors out there, the "?" in the title of this post is intentional. On the rare occasion in an actor's life a role comes along that you just can't pass up. You read the script, and you know this is a role you must play, and if lucky enough to be chosen to play the role, you feel honored and realize the incredible privilege you have to be trusted to bring this role to life and tell this story. If you get one role like that in your whole career (so far, almost 51 years for me, and still going) you're lucky. I felt that way when Dawn Westbrook cast me as Della Brady in The Cake at Richmond Triangle Players back in 2020. Several people heard me say, "If I never do another play again, I'm okay with that because Della is the highpoint of my career." Little did I know, at the time, how prophetic that statement was as we closed in March of 2020, and 3 weeks later the World "closed." Luckily, theatre survived the Pandemic. I can't say it's thriving, but it is certainly striving to become what it once was. I have only been on stage once since playing Della. I understudied and ended up finishing the run in a role in Barefoot in the Park for VaRep. I love Neil Simon, and I had a great time playing the role, but it was short-lived, only about 3 weeks. I haven't auditioned for a lot, and I have been focusing on my acting studio, Amaryllis Studios and mounting and directing our own production of Chess, the Musical last July and Godspell this July. All that to say, I wasn't really planning on doing any acting anytime soon. On December 3rd of last year that all changed. I received an email from Kerrigan Sullivan, the Department Chair for the Performing Arts at Brightpoint Community College with the Subject line: Potential Role. Any actor who is reading this right now knows the little skip your heartbeat takes when you read those words. The email went on to say that they were producing a brand new work and would I be interested in playing the role of Mother. She attached the script. I received the email at 10:10pm. I read the script immediately and sent an email back after midnight accepting the offer. The Play is called WillJee, and I have not been this impressed with something I've read since I read The Cake. The story, the characters, the dialogue is so rooted in reality! I'm sure part of that comes from the fact that it is based on a real situation the playwright went through with is sister when she was diagnosed with cancer. That's a big thing for me. Do I believe these people? Do I relate? this play has a lot of humor, like laugh out loud humor, and that may be surprising to you considering it deals with death and cancer and mental illness, but, as I often say when I am faced with trials, "It's either laugh or cry. I choose to laugh." I'm tickled to pieces that I am getting to do this! A lovely article by Dave Timberline was posted in Style Weekly today. Check it out, and come check out the play. You'll laugh. You'll cry. You'll laugh while you're crying. It's an amazing piece of theatre, and you will be sorry if you miss it. This one is going places! I'm just glad I get to be a small part of it.

So long, Farewell.....

 It's 12:36AM on 1/21/2025. I just deactivated my Facebook account. I did this for many reasons, and if you are new to following my blog, welcome! The huge push to do this was driven by the absolute madness that will be going on for the next 4 years. I knew if I kept my account, I would scroll through all the mess, and become more and more stressed, and despondent about my life, the lives of my children, and the life of this country. I turned 61 last October, and I can truly say that in all of my years I have never seen anything like this in America. Watching any news, scrolling social media and seeing what's taking place, and what is coming out of people's mouths makes me feel I'm in the Twilight Zone. It is surreal! The hypocrisy is astounding. At some point you wonder if this is all some grand prank, and someone is going to reveal, but it isn't, and I can't stay on a platform that has said that they will no longer fact check posts. It's hard enough watching the craziness and true cult like behavior online or on TV. You can almost convince yourself that it's all for ratings. It isn't real, like the really bad singers on American Idol who have already made it through screenings because the sad fact is people relish in other's failures, and watching some tone deaf person be dismissed from a singing audition makes for good TV. But tonight I was proven wrong. It's not all for show or ratings because a comment appeared on my Facebook post that announced my intent to deactivate, and it wasn't from a troll trying to get a rise out of me or goad me into engaging in an argument online, it was someone that was a friend, and not just a Facebook friend. This was someone that I had been very close to at one time. In all fairness, I know this person is SUPER religious and always has been, and I knew that they were a Trump supporter. The funny thing was that my post did not mention Trump once, but they posted this:

Terri, it is obvious that you are doing what you feel is best for you under the current circumstances. However, there is another side and reaction to today's Inauguration. For me, I feel ADAMANT that today God was honored and glorified! God fulfilled his will and purpose in an overwhelming, unbelievable and miraculous way! No doubt in my mind that God intervened for our country. Donald Trump won over and above what was needed to win. A landslide which left no doubt as to him winning this presidency. The American people voted and this is the result of those votes. This is my voice, my strong  belief that in spite of all the negativity, lies and immorality that became twisted truth were rectified today! Battles of who is right is felt strongly and with a vengeance on both sides. We all have our own beliefs and Godly convictions. This is mine! I have not voiced my feelings in the past to this degree but today is the day. We all handle things differently. I can say for me that I never felt the need to get off Facebook when Biden and Kamala won. I felt just as you do at this moment. However, I chose to handle my disgust, anger and strong emotions by crying out to God to bring a change and bring our country back to God! I respect your decision Terri and wish you the very best!

As I read this comment I became so angry! How can anyone, let alone a professed Christian, think that Donald Trump is the deliverer? I so wanted to comment back, and I actually started to, but I realized that if they were that delusional, nothing I said would mean anything. Anyone who knows me knows that when I am in an argument, I use sarcasm as a defense and not the funny kind, biting sarcasm. It's not a great trait, I know. I get it from my Dad, and, ironically, I hated it when he did it, but I own it. I so wanted to comment on their almost creepy worship of DJT or just comment, "Thou shalt have no other Gods before me." Exodus 20:3. I typed it and deleted it. I did, however react with the crying laughing emoji, and the response "Ok" I then unfriended them and blocked them from contacting me. Some people may think that was harsh, but truthfully, I don't want to be friends with a crazy person, and if they had said those same things to me in person, I would have been looking for the nearest exit and wishing I had a weapon to defend myself. Here's the thing. I am not shocked by anything he does, but it does shock me how much other seemingly sane people let him get away with.

For those who have joined me here for the first time, I promise not all my posts will be like this. That's why I got off of Facebook to not get mired down, right? But it is going to be a space where I can release my thoughts. This blog has been extremely cathartic for me through a lot in my life, and it will continue to be so, but I want to leave all of us with this as I think it is the best advice we all can follow as we navigate these very uncertain times. I'm sure you will recognize it.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

And another plea my daughter prays: Help us to see the Light and be the Light.

Stay strong. Stay safe. Take care of yourself. Namaste.

Why Am I Not Surprised?

 

My daughter said something the day after the election, and I have read it from others as well. We were trying to process what just happened. She said, "This country hates women!," and, you know what? She's right. In any sane world there would have been no contest between the 2 candidates that were on the ballot last Tuesday. The country chose a convicted felon, for people to which the rules apply, someone who committed treason against this country, stole top secret, confidential documents, has far less experience, (in my opinion, none) and terrible references over a highly qualified (the first candidate ever to have experience in all 3 levels of government), joyous, promise to be a president for all, sane, intelligent, coherent black woman. There's no other explanation. When I stopped and thought about it, I thought, why am I not surprised? I mean, it isn't like women have ever been treated right in this country. It was in my lifetime that a woman was allowed to have a credit card in her own name. Regardless of what some may think, I am not that old. 1974 was the magic year! I was 11 years old. Women still aren't paid the same as men for doing the same job, and probably better. In my current job, I am in a customer service role, and I have worked in the same department, at the same job since 2005. I currently have been in the department longer than any other person. The closest person in number of years working in the same department has been there a little more than 1/2 of the years I have. Yet, when I answer the phone, and the last phrase out of my mouth is, "How May I help you," and the man on the other end of the phone says, "Is there a man I can speak to?" (to which I want to say, "Don't you mean is there a man with whom I may speak,") After they answer my subtle dig at their improper grammar, I want to say, "NO!" The mere fact that the caller is talking to a woman, instantly triggers them to think I don't possess the knowledge to answer the question. After all, I'm just a dumb girl! It doesn't happen often, but when it has, I am proud to say, I always end up answering the question. I should pause here and say that I am one of the most stubborn people you will ever meet, and pair that with my instant rage at being thought of as less than simply because I'm a woman, and hell would freeze over before I would ever let any of those sexist pigs talk to a man. Of course it's all delivered with that veiled tone that sounds cordial but has that little bit of edge to it. We've seen it all through history. Women need to be kept in their place. Men are the ones who should have the power and control, and if a woman shows intelligence and power, she is thought of as a bitch and undesirable, masculine. How many movies have you seen where the super intelligent girl acted dumb to get the guy? Strong women intimidate men. Women are encouraged not to speak their mind for fear of appearing too outspoken. I have shared many things about my marriage and subsequent events that led to my divorce, but I'm not sure I have ever shared this. My Ex and I were very prominent in our church. Actually let me take that back, he was prominent, and I was his wife. I wasn't shunned or anything, but I would have never been the first person of the couple to be asked for my opinion. When I lost my first child to a miscarriage, the "male" pastor never visited or reached out, in fact, I can't even remember discussing the loss with him at all. His wife called to check on me, and said that the pastor didn't call because it was a female thing. When everything blew up, and my ex's affair was in danger of being revealed, not by me, mind you, he left me and my toddler and 5 year old with less than nothing. He also left the church without a word vacating his job as music director and youth leader. Plenty of people reached out to me and were there to help, but there were plenty of people who thought, "What did she do that would cause him to act that way?" In the state of Virginia, if you separate, and you share children, you must wait a year before you can obtain a divorce, so before we were divorced, he and the person he was having the affair with got pregnant. I'm not sure if you know how child support laws work in this state, but there is a formula. Virginia uses the shared income model. That means both my gross income and my ex's are used to determine the amount that should be paid. In August of 1998 when the first hearing was held to establish child support, I had 2 part time jobs after not having any in June of 1998 when he left. My gross monthly income was probably $835.00. He had left, without notice, 2 prominent jobs that gave him a gross monthly income of around $6,000, so when child support was decided he was probably grossing about $2,500 a month with a job he had taken managing a convenience store. The shared income model uses a % of both incomes. I had full physical and legal custody. The amount was set at $800 per month total for both children, 1 who was still in diapers. Now, wrap your head around this. I am netting a little over $700 per month, so with the $800 child support added, I am expected to pay rent or mortgage, day care, food, clothes, school fees, utilities and upkeep and fuel for a vehicle on $1500 per month. The place we were renting when he left was $550 per month, and that did not include utilities. Now we're down to $950 a month to pay for all of the other things I just mentioned. I moved out of the townhouse, moved in with my parents, borrowed a car from my father (my ex took the only car that was running) found people who would take care of my kids for free or almost free so I could work. My child support stayed at that amount until it legally ended when each of my girls graduated high school, no increase for cost of living, no extra allowance having girls and all the extra costs that come with puberty, but that's not the worst part. I actually went to see a lawyer when my girls were 10 and 13 to see about getting an increase. He told me it would not be worth it. It probably wouldn't go up, and it could go down. Why, you may ask. My ex got a $596 credit for the child he had with his now wife. By this time he probably had a much higher paying job. I say probably because he wouldn't reveal to me what he made, and I didn't have the money to take him to court to try to get the amount increased. Here's the kicker. Both our incomes are calculated to determine how much, but his wife's income did not come into the equation when considering his child credit. Sorry, that's effed up, and 9 times out of 10, it will be the single mom who gets the short end of the stick. Sounds like a man's world to me. I will guarantee someone will read this and say, "She just wants to punish men," "She's an angry feminist," but I'll guarantee if the tables were turned, men would be yelling and screaming about it. Wait, what am I saying? The tables would never be turned, and that's my point. I cannot believe that we are living in a world where women are dying because other people, mostly men, think they know what's best for a woman and her own body without knowing the situation or circumstances, nor trusting a doctor's trained medical opinion. There are no laws to govern men's bodies or health. If I wasn't living through it, and I was reading it as a novel, I would say, this is not believable. This would never happen. Women wouldn't stand for it, but guess what. Not only do a good portion remain silent, but there are just as many who actually voted for a person who is proud of leading the charge to take away women's rights. White women were the only group of women that had a higher percentage for Trump. 

One of Kamala Harris' campaign slogans was "We're not going back." Oh, what hope I had that that would not be anything we had to worry about after last Tuesday, but the train has left the station. Next stop? 1973, and that will just be the first stop. Each destination will take us further and further back until this country puts us back in our place. We had an engineer that knew how to run the train and take it forward to places where we could feel safe and grow, but we hired the passenger with the rich friends who bought the train instead.

No H8ters!

 

I was born in 1963. A lot of things happened that year. One of the things that is probably remembered most was President John F. Kennedy was shot and killed. He was trying to bring about change in the world, and people didn't like it! He wanted to make equity and civility the norm. Kennedy was a very popular president, but like so many other great leaders, the few haters took them down. Why do I bring this up now? Because I want to talk about hate. When I was 11 years old, I was in a production of Rodgers and Hammerstein's South Pacific. I played the little mixed race Tonkinese girl, Ngana. There is a song in the show called You've Got to  Be Carefully Taught. It is sung by the character, Lt. Joe Cable. He has fallen in love with a non-white girl, and he is upset that he cannot be with her. The lyrics I remember most and that have played through my mind millions of times over these last 50 years are:
"You've got to be taught before it's too late,
Before you are 6 or 7 or 8,
To hate all the people your relatives hate.
You've got to be carefully taught.
South Pacific opened in 1949. After it opened, "the show faced legislative challenges regarding its decency and supposed Communist agenda." When it toured in the south, a bill was introduced in Georgia outlawing entertainment with "an underlying philosophy inspired by Moscow," one legislator said, "that a song justifying interracial marriage was implicitly a threat to the American way of life." Rodgers and Hammerstein countered with the fact that the number represented why they wanted to do this play, and even if it meant not doing the show at all, they would not remove the number. We look back on that happening in 1949 and think, how ridiculous! Is it though? Is it ridiculous? If I had relayed that story and said it was happening with some brand new musical touring in the South right now, not a single person would have questioned it because that is where we are people! We are on the eve of an election that will throw us right back into 1949 and before if the wrong person is elected. This is going to be an all cards on the table post, so, if you're going to be sensitive about things, STOP READING NOW! Back in 2016, we had just had 8 years of a really great president, but he also happened to be black. There were a lot of people who didn't like that. I listened to Michelle Obama's book, Becoming, and I was angry at what they had to endure being said about them and their children simply because of their race. It wasn't about policy they didn't like. It was about HATE. So along comes a candidate to be the Republican ticket who starts to build a campaign on the theme, "Make America Great Again," but what we soon found out was it was a campaign based on hate and getting rid of all the people who had brought America down, the ones who had let all these people in who didn't belong, the ones who believed love is love, you get the picture. No one was shocked more than I was when I woke up on the morning after election day and found out he'd won. Even then I thought, well this is America, we have checks and balances. He'll be kept in check, and then week by week, month by month, year by year, I watched this country fall apart, and each thing that happened was worse than the last, and I thought, "What is happening? How is this ok?" When they finally announced that Joe Biden had won over trump in 2020, I wept. I was so happy and relieved that the nightmare would soon be over, but plenty of damage had been done, not the least of which was the overturning of Roe v. Wade by the judges that trump had put on the Supreme Court that were in his pocket. Millions of people had died from Covid because trump refused to believe it was real and fed the flames that it was a hoax. I could go on and on, but then I saw something happen I never thought I would see in my lifetime. A group of the haters, incited by trump himself, attacked the Capitol and tried to overthrow the American government. Thank God it didn't succeed, but plenty of damage was done, and people died. Then, true to form, when Inauguration day came, instead of taking the loss and transferring power to the rightful  winner of the election, the baby threw a tantrum and was a no show, making it the first time in our country's history that we did not have a peaceful transition of power. I thought Good Riddance! We're finally rid of the cancer in our government, and yet, here we are again, 4 years later, and I am scared to death that he might win again. Truthfully he didn't win the first time, but that's whole different blog post. A convicted felon may be the next president of the United States. How is that possible? Why is he allowed to run? He can't even vote for himself because convicted felons are not allowed to vote in this country. The difference now is, he has amped up the hate, so much so that his rallies have become about targeting all the people he deems un American: Translation: Anyone who isn't Christian and White and Male. Oh, the white ladies will be allowed to stay in his America, but only if they go back to being property of men. He means to dismantle democracy if he wins. He's said it. There won't be any more voting after this time. They're going to fix it so you won't have to vote again. Those are not my words, they're his. Last weekend he held a rally in Madison Square Garden that trash talked anyone who was non-white. It was pretty much a Nazi rally. Yes, I used the "n" word. All these people gathered together to worship their king of hate. This man is vile, I just recently saw a clip of him at another rally where he was making the motions of giving a blow job using the microphone on the podium that was having technical issues, and the people at the rally just laughing. THIS MAN CAN'T BE PRESIDENT AGAIN! I know I can't reach anyone who has already drunk his Kool-Aid, the Klan members who don't wear hoods, but if you are still on the fence, I am begging you, please vote for Harris/Walz tomorrow. We need to get away from all of this celebration of hate. If you're a family man, would you leave your daughter or wife alone with him in a room? If you're a woman, would you want to be alone with him? And all of you people who are supporting him because you want to keep your fist tightly clenching all your money, SHAME ON YOU! I want my daughters and granddaughters to have rights to be able to have control over their own medical care. I want them to be able to marry and love who they want to love without fear of being locked up or worse, killed. I want them to be able to live in a world where they can be who they are without fear! Why are we even debating these issues? I know all of you may not agree with Harris on all of her policies, but at least you have a sane person to debate the issue. With trump, you will have no chance. If he wins tomorrow, that is the end of freedom. He will turn this country into a dictatorship just like his pal Putin. This has to be the end of this movement of hate, PLEASE! VOTE BLUE! 1 day! We are not born hating, we have to be taught. 

Some Place Where There Isn't Any Trouble

 

Tonight I did something that I haven't done for quite some time. I sat down and watched The Wizard of Oz. If you have read this blog, you know everything I am about to say, but bear with me for the newcomers. I adore the movie The Wizard of Oz. Because I am 60 years old, almost 61, I grew up with just 3 major networks on TV and Public Broadcasting. Every year, The Wizard of Oz, was broadcast on television. I never missed a year for as long as I can remember. When movies were released on video, I was glad to have a copy so I could watch it whenever I wanted, but I have to say that took a little bit out of the specialness away for me. SO many times, just like anything else, when something is always there, we take it for granted. When my children were old enough, I introduced it to them, and they watched it over and over as most children do. Ask any present day parent with a young one today how many times they've had to listen to Let it Go, but I digress. I never minded how many times they watched it because it never got old for me and never does. The Wizard of Oz celebrates 85 years since it's release this year. It was released the year my mother was born, 1939. My children are grown now, and I don't have any grandchildren yet, so I can't tell you the last time I sat down to watch it, but tonight I did, and I was strangely emotional about the whole thing. I was by myself, and as the first strains of the overture started, and the title appeared on the screen in sepia tone, I felt that "just on the brink of tears" feeling. No, the overture isn't sad, and, truthfully I don't know why I was reacting the way I was, but I sat and watched. No surprises, I could recite the screenplay by heart and say every line with every actor, and, have done so, at times, to the annoyance of my youngest daughter as her older sister and I have acted out the film before, but tonight I wasn't just watching the film as I've done one hundred times before. I was watching it like I had never seen it before. I got past the rote recitation and really listened to the dialogue and watched the reactions of the actors. The beautiful 16 year old Judy Garland, so young before Hollywood chewed her up and spit her out. The irony of what Dorothy longs for would also become what Judy longed for most of her life, "some place where there isn't any trouble." I started crying as she started singing Over the Rainbow, and I didn't stop until Toto jumped through the window of her bedroom after escaping the evil Miss Gulch. The longing that you hear in Judy's voice is heartbreaking. It made me wonder why I could not also fly with the happy little bluebirds. I also cried when Dorothy tells the Tin Man and the Scarecrow that they are the "best friends anybody ever had." I cried when they are told they can't see the Wizard and to go away, and she tells all her new found friends how bad she feels that her Aunt Em is sick and may be dying, and it's all her fault. I cried when at the thought of the witch drowning her dog, she freely steps up to take the consequences of giving up the ruby slippers, something Glinda has warned that she will be at the mercy of the wicked witch if she does, and she exclaims through sobs of fear, "He got away. He got away." I cried as I watched her, all alone in the witch's castle waiting for her doomed fate, calling out to her Auntie Em that she is frightened. I cried at the gut wrenching disappointment in her eyes as she says to the Wizard, "I don't think there's anything in that black bag for me." And finally when she says her goodbyes to the Tin Man , Lion and Scarecrow, and especially when she whispers to the Scarecrow, "I think I'll miss you most of all," well I have always cried at that point. The point being, I was more emotional watching this film tonight, that I have seen hundreds of times, than I ever have been watching it before. Why? I am still emotional as I type this. Of course, Dorothy's dream of Oz, the place "over the rainbow," isn't trouble free at all, but in her dream she faces her problem instead of running away from it. She doesn't go in her bedroom and cry and wonder what to do. She goes to face a witch that she knows will harm her because she wants to get back to the place that she wanted to leave so badly just "days" before. There are all kinds of cliche phrases that fit this scenario, "Be careful what you wish for," "The grass is always greener," "Out of the frying pan and into the fire." We've all heard these before, and I guess the true lesson is that no place is perfect, and if we spend our lives chasing that perfection or wishing away our life waiting for something better to come along or that we were somewhere there wasn't any trouble, newsflash: that doesn't exist, we will find, as Dorothy did, that home is always where her happiness was. Home was where the people were that loved her, and life would always have problems, but there would be friends to help her solve them and get through. It's not a coincidence that the Scarecrow, Lion and Tin Man are the images of her friends at home. I kept thinking of the phrase, "Some place where there isn't any trouble." This film was released on August 25, 1939. On September 1, 1939, Hitler invaded Poland. I am sure that audiences needed to hear that message then. The world was full of trouble, just like it is today, and just like it always will be, and sometimes it will be far away, and sometimes we will be right in the middle of it, and maybe that's why I was so emotional. Tonight when I sat down to watch I felt like Dorothy does at the beginning. The world seems so troubled right now. I have friends and family who are facing hardships, and health issues, and grieving. This sounds so trivial, but I have 2 cats at home that I love that have all of a sudden become aggressive with each other when they were loving to each other before, and I am at a loss as how to fix it, and I had just broken them up, once again, when I sat down to watch this film. That seems so small, but I really think it was a metaphor of all the things I cannot fix right now that I have no control over, and I just wanted to go to that place "where there isn't any trouble." Dorothy actually says to Toto, "do you suppose their is such a place, Toto?" We know that there isn't, and the place that's supposed to have no trouble has more challenges than anything Dorothy has faced before, but through that she finds Wisdom - the Scarecrow, and Compassion - the Tin Man and Courage - the Lion. She is also told that she always had the power to solve her problem, but she had to learn that for herself. I have seen sketches that make light of that moment in the film where Dorothy is royally pissed at Glinda that she didn't tell her that to begin with, and thinking about that it is funny, and it does make you wonder, but I heard something today as I was listening to The Light We Carry by Michelle Obama. "If you try to keep your children from feeling fear, you're essentially keeping them from feeling competence, too." If we never fall, we don't learn how to get back up. If we never experience pain, we don't really grasp what joy is like, and if we live in a place where there isn't any trouble, we miss the opportunity to gain Wisdom and Compassion and Courage, and maybe that's why I was crying because I can't fix everything, but that's not the way it is supposed to be. The importance is finding the power within to face the challenges that come, and when you can't fix them have the wisdom to recognize it, the compassion to deal with all those around you as you face it, and the courage to stand and face the storm.

The Little Engine That DID!

 

When I was little, I was lucky enough that my Mom read aloud to me. She read me many, many stories, but one story she read has particular significance to this post, The Little Engine That Could. If you don't know the story, the little engine is trying to make it up a hill, and it keeps repeating, "I think I can, I think I can." I can still hear my mom's voice saying those words in the rhythm of a train chugging along. Often times throughout my childhood, if I was discouraged about something, she would say those words to me like the chugging little engine. If you read my last post about 6 weeks ago, you know that I was trying to make a dream become a reality. At times I felt like I just wasn't going to make it, just like the little engine, but people all around me were trusting in that dream and along for the ride, and they were the little voices saying "I think I can. I think I can," and we made it up and over the hill. Last Friday and Saturday, we presented a full musical to the public, and over 300 people came to see it. Family, friends and even strangers who heard about us on the radio (Thanks Wicker & Wilde on Mix 98.1) came out to support live theatre. It was a very successful weekend, but it wasn't because of ticket sales, or radio promos or posters. The success in this production of Chess was because a group of artists including actors, musicians, a choreographer, a sound person, a lighting designer, a photographer, a stage manager and 2 supportive daughters who did everything and anything asked of them from social media, to set construction, to box office, etc.  all came together to create art, and what magnificent art they created! I don't know how it is for other directors, but my cast feels like my children. As with any parental/child relationship, there are challenges, and we had our share, but, for the most part, we worked through them together. I wanted to foster an environment of community, collaboration and trust. I also wanted the space to be safe to feel and explore. I hope that's what we created. In addition I wanted to create a show that would invalidate the talk of, "It's JUST Community Theatre," as if that is somehow less than, that people that are in a Community Theater production aren't talented. I know we blew that assumption out of the water! I also wanted to provide a space for people to perform that find it hard to commit to the rigorous schedule that a professional contract demands because they work a full time job. I am an actor as well, and I don't know how many shows I was not able to audition for because I couldn't do the occasional or sometimes weekly Wednesday matinee, or the student productions in the mornings. 

                                                                                          Photo by Daryll Morgan

Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, that worked on this show did it for FREE. When I first started this I came across the term "passion project," and that's exactly what this was. Everyone had a passion for what they were doing. They wanted to be involved, and the result was beautiful! My choreographer said something at the very beginning of the rehearsal process that stuck with me. She said to the cast that she thought we would all be saying years from now with pride that we were in the very first production of Amaryllis Studios. What encouragement and inspiration that we were doing the right thing! There is no way I will ever be able to put into words the appreciation I have for the group of people that made this dream come true for me. I only hope that in some small way they felt good about helping build that dream.