Why Am I Not Surprised?

 

My daughter said something the day after the election, and I have read it from others as well. We were trying to process what just happened. She said, "This country hates women!," and, you know what? She's right. In any sane world there would have been no contest between the 2 candidates that were on the ballot last Tuesday. The country chose a convicted felon, for people to which the rules apply, someone who committed treason against this country, stole top secret, confidential documents, has far less experience, (in my opinion, none) and terrible references over a highly qualified (the first candidate ever to have experience in all 3 levels of government), joyous, promise to be a president for all, sane, intelligent, coherent black woman. There's no other explanation. When I stopped and thought about it, I thought, why am I not surprised? I mean, it isn't like women have ever been treated right in this country. It was in my lifetime that a woman was allowed to have a credit card in her own name. Regardless of what some may think, I am not that old. 1974 was the magic year! I was 11 years old. Women still aren't paid the same as men for doing the same job, and probably better. In my current job, I am in a customer service role, and I have worked in the same department, at the same job since 2005. I currently have been in the department longer than any other person. The closest person in number of years working in the same department has been there a little more than 1/2 of the years I have. Yet, when I answer the phone, and the last phrase out of my mouth is, "How May I help you," and the man on the other end of the phone says, "Is there a man I can speak to?" (to which I want to say, "Don't you mean is there a man with whom I may speak,") After they answer my subtle dig at their improper grammar, I want to say, "NO!" The mere fact that the caller is talking to a woman, instantly triggers them to think I don't possess the knowledge to answer the question. After all, I'm just a dumb girl! It doesn't happen often, but when it has, I am proud to say, I always end up answering the question. I should pause here and say that I am one of the most stubborn people you will ever meet, and pair that with my instant rage at being thought of as less than simply because I'm a woman, and hell would freeze over before I would ever let any of those sexist pigs talk to a man. Of course it's all delivered with that veiled tone that sounds cordial but has that little bit of edge to it. We've seen it all through history. Women need to be kept in their place. Men are the ones who should have the power and control, and if a woman shows intelligence and power, she is thought of as a bitch and undesirable, masculine. How many movies have you seen where the super intelligent girl acted dumb to get the guy? Strong women intimidate men. Women are encouraged not to speak their mind for fear of appearing too outspoken. I have shared many things about my marriage and subsequent events that led to my divorce, but I'm not sure I have ever shared this. My Ex and I were very prominent in our church. Actually let me take that back, he was prominent, and I was his wife. I wasn't shunned or anything, but I would have never been the first person of the couple to be asked for my opinion. When I lost my first child to a miscarriage, the "male" pastor never visited or reached out, in fact, I can't even remember discussing the loss with him at all. His wife called to check on me, and said that the pastor didn't call because it was a female thing. When everything blew up, and my ex's affair was in danger of being revealed, not by me, mind you, he left me and my toddler and 5 year old with less than nothing. He also left the church without a word vacating his job as music director and youth leader. Plenty of people reached out to me and were there to help, but there were plenty of people who thought, "What did she do that would cause him to act that way?" In the state of Virginia, if you separate, and you share children, you must wait a year before you can obtain a divorce, so before we were divorced, he and the person he was having the affair with got pregnant. I'm not sure if you know how child support laws work in this state, but there is a formula. Virginia uses the shared income model. That means both my gross income and my ex's are used to determine the amount that should be paid. In August of 1998 when the first hearing was held to establish child support, I had 2 part time jobs after not having any in June of 1998 when he left. My gross monthly income was probably $835.00. He had left, without notice, 2 prominent jobs that gave him a gross monthly income of around $6,000, so when child support was decided he was probably grossing about $2,500 a month with a job he had taken managing a convenience store. The shared income model uses a % of both incomes. I had full physical and legal custody. The amount was set at $800 per month total for both children, 1 who was still in diapers. Now, wrap your head around this. I am netting a little over $700 per month, so with the $800 child support added, I am expected to pay rent or mortgage, day care, food, clothes, school fees, utilities and upkeep and fuel for a vehicle on $1500 per month. The place we were renting when he left was $550 per month, and that did not include utilities. Now we're down to $950 a month to pay for all of the other things I just mentioned. I moved out of the townhouse, moved in with my parents, borrowed a car from my father (my ex took the only car that was running) found people who would take care of my kids for free or almost free so I could work. My child support stayed at that amount until it legally ended when each of my girls graduated high school, no increase for cost of living, no extra allowance having girls and all the extra costs that come with puberty, but that's not the worst part. I actually went to see a lawyer when my girls were 10 and 13 to see about getting an increase. He told me it would not be worth it. It probably wouldn't go up, and it could go down. Why, you may ask. My ex got a $596 credit for the child he had with his now wife. By this time he probably had a much higher paying job. I say probably because he wouldn't reveal to me what he made, and I didn't have the money to take him to court to try to get the amount increased. Here's the kicker. Both our incomes are calculated to determine how much, but his wife's income did not come into the equation when considering his child credit. Sorry, that's effed up, and 9 times out of 10, it will be the single mom who gets the short end of the stick. Sounds like a man's world to me. I will guarantee someone will read this and say, "She just wants to punish men," "She's an angry feminist," but I'll guarantee if the tables were turned, men would be yelling and screaming about it. Wait, what am I saying? The tables would never be turned, and that's my point. I cannot believe that we are living in a world where women are dying because other people, mostly men, think they know what's best for a woman and her own body without knowing the situation or circumstances, nor trusting a doctor's trained medical opinion. There are no laws to govern men's bodies or health. If I wasn't living through it, and I was reading it as a novel, I would say, this is not believable. This would never happen. Women wouldn't stand for it, but guess what. Not only do a good portion remain silent, but there are just as many who actually voted for a person who is proud of leading the charge to take away women's rights. White women were the only group of women that had a higher percentage for Trump. 

One of Kamala Harris' campaign slogans was "We're not going back." Oh, what hope I had that that would not be anything we had to worry about after last Tuesday, but the train has left the station. Next stop? 1973, and that will just be the first stop. Each destination will take us further and further back until this country puts us back in our place. We had an engineer that knew how to run the train and take it forward to places where we could feel safe and grow, but we hired the passenger with the rich friends who bought the train instead.

No H8ters!

 

I was born in 1963. A lot of things happened that year. One of the things that is probably remembered most was President John F. Kennedy was shot and killed. He was trying to bring about change in the world, and people didn't like it! He wanted to make equity and civility the norm. Kennedy was a very popular president, but like so many other great leaders, the few haters took them down. Why do I bring this up now? Because I want to talk about hate. When I was 11 years old, I was in a production of Rodgers and Hammerstein's South Pacific. I played the little mixed race Tonkinese girl, Ngana. There is a song in the show called You've Got to  Be Carefully Taught. It is sung by the character, Lt. Joe Cable. He has fallen in love with a non-white girl, and he is upset that he cannot be with her. The lyrics I remember most and that have played through my mind millions of times over these last 50 years are:
"You've got to be taught before it's too late,
Before you are 6 or 7 or 8,
To hate all the people your relatives hate.
You've got to be carefully taught.
South Pacific opened in 1949. After it opened, "the show faced legislative challenges regarding its decency and supposed Communist agenda." When it toured in the south, a bill was introduced in Georgia outlawing entertainment with "an underlying philosophy inspired by Moscow," one legislator said, "that a song justifying interracial marriage was implicitly a threat to the American way of life." Rodgers and Hammerstein countered with the fact that the number represented why they wanted to do this play, and even if it meant not doing the show at all, they would not remove the number. We look back on that happening in 1949 and think, how ridiculous! Is it though? Is it ridiculous? If I had relayed that story and said it was happening with some brand new musical touring in the South right now, not a single person would have questioned it because that is where we are people! We are on the eve of an election that will throw us right back into 1949 and before if the wrong person is elected. This is going to be an all cards on the table post, so, if you're going to be sensitive about things, STOP READING NOW! Back in 2016, we had just had 8 years of a really great president, but he also happened to be black. There were a lot of people who didn't like that. I listened to Michelle Obama's book, Becoming, and I was angry at what they had to endure being said about them and their children simply because of their race. It wasn't about policy they didn't like. It was about HATE. So along comes a candidate to be the Republican ticket who starts to build a campaign on the theme, "Make America Great Again," but what we soon found out was it was a campaign based on hate and getting rid of all the people who had brought America down, the ones who had let all these people in who didn't belong, the ones who believed love is love, you get the picture. No one was shocked more than I was when I woke up on the morning after election day and found out he'd won. Even then I thought, well this is America, we have checks and balances. He'll be kept in check, and then week by week, month by month, year by year, I watched this country fall apart, and each thing that happened was worse than the last, and I thought, "What is happening? How is this ok?" When they finally announced that Joe Biden had won over trump in 2020, I wept. I was so happy and relieved that the nightmare would soon be over, but plenty of damage had been done, not the least of which was the overturning of Roe v. Wade by the judges that trump had put on the Supreme Court that were in his pocket. Millions of people had died from Covid because trump refused to believe it was real and fed the flames that it was a hoax. I could go on and on, but then I saw something happen I never thought I would see in my lifetime. A group of the haters, incited by trump himself, attacked the Capitol and tried to overthrow the American government. Thank God it didn't succeed, but plenty of damage was done, and people died. Then, true to form, when Inauguration day came, instead of taking the loss and transferring power to the rightful  winner of the election, the baby threw a tantrum and was a no show, making it the first time in our country's history that we did not have a peaceful transition of power. I thought Good Riddance! We're finally rid of the cancer in our government, and yet, here we are again, 4 years later, and I am scared to death that he might win again. Truthfully he didn't win the first time, but that's whole different blog post. A convicted felon may be the next president of the United States. How is that possible? Why is he allowed to run? He can't even vote for himself because convicted felons are not allowed to vote in this country. The difference now is, he has amped up the hate, so much so that his rallies have become about targeting all the people he deems un American: Translation: Anyone who isn't Christian and White and Male. Oh, the white ladies will be allowed to stay in his America, but only if they go back to being property of men. He means to dismantle democracy if he wins. He's said it. There won't be any more voting after this time. They're going to fix it so you won't have to vote again. Those are not my words, they're his. Last weekend he held a rally in Madison Square Garden that trash talked anyone who was non-white. It was pretty much a Nazi rally. Yes, I used the "n" word. All these people gathered together to worship their king of hate. This man is vile, I just recently saw a clip of him at another rally where he was making the motions of giving a blow job using the microphone on the podium that was having technical issues, and the people at the rally just laughing. THIS MAN CAN'T BE PRESIDENT AGAIN! I know I can't reach anyone who has already drunk his Kool-Aid, the Klan members who don't wear hoods, but if you are still on the fence, I am begging you, please vote for Harris/Walz tomorrow. We need to get away from all of this celebration of hate. If you're a family man, would you leave your daughter or wife alone with him in a room? If you're a woman, would you want to be alone with him? And all of you people who are supporting him because you want to keep your fist tightly clenching all your money, SHAME ON YOU! I want my daughters and granddaughters to have rights to be able to have control over their own medical care. I want them to be able to marry and love who they want to love without fear of being locked up or worse, killed. I want them to be able to live in a world where they can be who they are without fear! Why are we even debating these issues? I know all of you may not agree with Harris on all of her policies, but at least you have a sane person to debate the issue. With trump, you will have no chance. If he wins tomorrow, that is the end of freedom. He will turn this country into a dictatorship just like his pal Putin. This has to be the end of this movement of hate, PLEASE! VOTE BLUE! 1 day! We are not born hating, we have to be taught. 

Some Place Where There Isn't Any Trouble

 

Tonight I did something that I haven't done for quite some time. I sat down and watched The Wizard of Oz. If you have read this blog, you know everything I am about to say, but bear with me for the newcomers. I adore the movie The Wizard of Oz. Because I am 60 years old, almost 61, I grew up with just 3 major networks on TV and Public Broadcasting. Every year, The Wizard of Oz, was broadcast on television. I never missed a year for as long as I can remember. When movies were released on video, I was glad to have a copy so I could watch it whenever I wanted, but I have to say that took a little bit out of the specialness away for me. SO many times, just like anything else, when something is always there, we take it for granted. When my children were old enough, I introduced it to them, and they watched it over and over as most children do. Ask any present day parent with a young one today how many times they've had to listen to Let it Go, but I digress. I never minded how many times they watched it because it never got old for me and never does. The Wizard of Oz celebrates 85 years since it's release this year. It was released the year my mother was born, 1939. My children are grown now, and I don't have any grandchildren yet, so I can't tell you the last time I sat down to watch it, but tonight I did, and I was strangely emotional about the whole thing. I was by myself, and as the first strains of the overture started, and the title appeared on the screen in sepia tone, I felt that "just on the brink of tears" feeling. No, the overture isn't sad, and, truthfully I don't know why I was reacting the way I was, but I sat and watched. No surprises, I could recite the screenplay by heart and say every line with every actor, and, have done so, at times, to the annoyance of my youngest daughter as her older sister and I have acted out the film before, but tonight I wasn't just watching the film as I've done one hundred times before. I was watching it like I had never seen it before. I got past the rote recitation and really listened to the dialogue and watched the reactions of the actors. The beautiful 16 year old Judy Garland, so young before Hollywood chewed her up and spit her out. The irony of what Dorothy longs for would also become what Judy longed for most of her life, "some place where there isn't any trouble." I started crying as she started singing Over the Rainbow, and I didn't stop until Toto jumped through the window of her bedroom after escaping the evil Miss Gulch. The longing that you hear in Judy's voice is heartbreaking. It made me wonder why I could not also fly with the happy little bluebirds. I also cried when Dorothy tells the Tin Man and the Scarecrow that they are the "best friends anybody ever had." I cried when they are told they can't see the Wizard and to go away, and she tells all her new found friends how bad she feels that her Aunt Em is sick and may be dying, and it's all her fault. I cried when at the thought of the witch drowning her dog, she freely steps up to take the consequences of giving up the ruby slippers, something Glinda has warned that she will be at the mercy of the wicked witch if she does, and she exclaims through sobs of fear, "He got away. He got away." I cried as I watched her, all alone in the witch's castle waiting for her doomed fate, calling out to her Auntie Em that she is frightened. I cried at the gut wrenching disappointment in her eyes as she says to the Wizard, "I don't think there's anything in that black bag for me." And finally when she says her goodbyes to the Tin Man , Lion and Scarecrow, and especially when she whispers to the Scarecrow, "I think I'll miss you most of all," well I have always cried at that point. The point being, I was more emotional watching this film tonight, that I have seen hundreds of times, than I ever have been watching it before. Why? I am still emotional as I type this. Of course, Dorothy's dream of Oz, the place "over the rainbow," isn't trouble free at all, but in her dream she faces her problem instead of running away from it. She doesn't go in her bedroom and cry and wonder what to do. She goes to face a witch that she knows will harm her because she wants to get back to the place that she wanted to leave so badly just "days" before. There are all kinds of cliche phrases that fit this scenario, "Be careful what you wish for," "The grass is always greener," "Out of the frying pan and into the fire." We've all heard these before, and I guess the true lesson is that no place is perfect, and if we spend our lives chasing that perfection or wishing away our life waiting for something better to come along or that we were somewhere there wasn't any trouble, newsflash: that doesn't exist, we will find, as Dorothy did, that home is always where her happiness was. Home was where the people were that loved her, and life would always have problems, but there would be friends to help her solve them and get through. It's not a coincidence that the Scarecrow, Lion and Tin Man are the images of her friends at home. I kept thinking of the phrase, "Some place where there isn't any trouble." This film was released on August 25, 1939. On September 1, 1939, Hitler invaded Poland. I am sure that audiences needed to hear that message then. The world was full of trouble, just like it is today, and just like it always will be, and sometimes it will be far away, and sometimes we will be right in the middle of it, and maybe that's why I was so emotional. Tonight when I sat down to watch I felt like Dorothy does at the beginning. The world seems so troubled right now. I have friends and family who are facing hardships, and health issues, and grieving. This sounds so trivial, but I have 2 cats at home that I love that have all of a sudden become aggressive with each other when they were loving to each other before, and I am at a loss as how to fix it, and I had just broken them up, once again, when I sat down to watch this film. That seems so small, but I really think it was a metaphor of all the things I cannot fix right now that I have no control over, and I just wanted to go to that place "where there isn't any trouble." Dorothy actually says to Toto, "do you suppose their is such a place, Toto?" We know that there isn't, and the place that's supposed to have no trouble has more challenges than anything Dorothy has faced before, but through that she finds Wisdom - the Scarecrow, and Compassion - the Tin Man and Courage - the Lion. She is also told that she always had the power to solve her problem, but she had to learn that for herself. I have seen sketches that make light of that moment in the film where Dorothy is royally pissed at Glinda that she didn't tell her that to begin with, and thinking about that it is funny, and it does make you wonder, but I heard something today as I was listening to The Light We Carry by Michelle Obama. "If you try to keep your children from feeling fear, you're essentially keeping them from feeling competence, too." If we never fall, we don't learn how to get back up. If we never experience pain, we don't really grasp what joy is like, and if we live in a place where there isn't any trouble, we miss the opportunity to gain Wisdom and Compassion and Courage, and maybe that's why I was crying because I can't fix everything, but that's not the way it is supposed to be. The importance is finding the power within to face the challenges that come, and when you can't fix them have the wisdom to recognize it, the compassion to deal with all those around you as you face it, and the courage to stand and face the storm.

The Little Engine That DID!

 

When I was little, I was lucky enough that my Mom read aloud to me. She read me many, many stories, but one story she read has particular significance to this post, The Little Engine That Could. If you don't know the story, the little engine is trying to make it up a hill, and it keeps repeating, "I think I can, I think I can." I can still hear my mom's voice saying those words in the rhythm of a train chugging along. Often times throughout my childhood, if I was discouraged about something, she would say those words to me like the chugging little engine. If you read my last post about 6 weeks ago, you know that I was trying to make a dream become a reality. At times I felt like I just wasn't going to make it, just like the little engine, but people all around me were trusting in that dream and along for the ride, and they were the little voices saying "I think I can. I think I can," and we made it up and over the hill. Last Friday and Saturday, we presented a full musical to the public, and over 300 people came to see it. Family, friends and even strangers who heard about us on the radio (Thanks Wicker & Wilde on Mix 98.1) came out to support live theatre. It was a very successful weekend, but it wasn't because of ticket sales, or radio promos or posters. The success in this production of Chess was because a group of artists including actors, musicians, a choreographer, a sound person, a lighting designer, a photographer, a stage manager and 2 supportive daughters who did everything and anything asked of them from social media, to set construction, to box office, etc.  all came together to create art, and what magnificent art they created! I don't know how it is for other directors, but my cast feels like my children. As with any parental/child relationship, there are challenges, and we had our share, but, for the most part, we worked through them together. I wanted to foster an environment of community, collaboration and trust. I also wanted the space to be safe to feel and explore. I hope that's what we created. In addition I wanted to create a show that would invalidate the talk of, "It's JUST Community Theatre," as if that is somehow less than, that people that are in a Community Theater production aren't talented. I know we blew that assumption out of the water! I also wanted to provide a space for people to perform that find it hard to commit to the rigorous schedule that a professional contract demands because they work a full time job. I am an actor as well, and I don't know how many shows I was not able to audition for because I couldn't do the occasional or sometimes weekly Wednesday matinee, or the student productions in the mornings. 

                                                                                          Photo by Daryll Morgan

Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, that worked on this show did it for FREE. When I first started this I came across the term "passion project," and that's exactly what this was. Everyone had a passion for what they were doing. They wanted to be involved, and the result was beautiful! My choreographer said something at the very beginning of the rehearsal process that stuck with me. She said to the cast that she thought we would all be saying years from now with pride that we were in the very first production of Amaryllis Studios. What encouragement and inspiration that we were doing the right thing! There is no way I will ever be able to put into words the appreciation I have for the group of people that made this dream come true for me. I only hope that in some small way they felt good about helping build that dream.

The Evolution of a Dream

 Hello! Me again. I know it has been a while. I seem to be saying that every time I write a post now. I know I've said this before, but when I started this blog, I told myself that I would only write when I was inspired. That is not the same as saying I ALWAYS write when I'm inspired, because I don't because, well, you know, life and stuff, but today's topic is probably the most inspiration of all the inspiring things in my life to write about, my passion for the theatre. I knew from age 3 that I wanted to perform in some way. As a child growing up in the 60s, I was hugely into TV. I had a little wooden rocking chair that I would sit in right in front of the television. Cartoons were big for me, Bugs Bunny especially. If you have never seen Bugs Bunny, we are no longer friends, just kidding, but stop reading right now, and go search for an episode, in fact, I'll save you the trouble.

Rabbit Of Seville (1950) from Stephen Rae on Vimeo.

.Now, I still, at 60, find this extremely funny, but if you noticed, the entire cartoon is set to the music from the Opera, The Barber of Seville, by Rossini. Of course, what Bugs is singing are not the original lyrics, but the music is the real deal. It was not composed for this cartoon. It was written in the1800s. This cartoon, and there are others that used classical music, gave me my intro to the genre expanding my knowledge of music beyond nursery rhyme songs and popular music. Because I watched so much TV and listened to so many different kinds of music in my house, I would often imitate or act out what I saw, and thus began my love of performing. As I grew older, I still watched cartoons, but I also was a huge fan of the Jackie Gleason Show and the Carol Burnette Show, and more and more I knew that this was what I wanted to do with my life. I sang my first solo in front of people, well, not family, in kindergarten, Away in a Manger, for the Christmas Pageant. Then in 2nd grade, I was the Teeny Weeny Bean in Mr. MacGregor's garden complete with green tights and green bean hat and solo. In 4th grade I changed it up and decided to do a "straight" play (for all you non-theatre people, that means a play without music). I was the Shoemaker's wife in The Shoemaker and the Elves. I don't remember much about the part, but I do remember she was kind of sassy, and I got laughs. I promise I am not going to recount my entire performance resume for the last 50+ years, but just indulge me one more. My drama teacher at St. Catherine's School, Ms. Buis, had directed The Shoemaker and the Elves, and she told me about a local professional theater that was having auditions for The Music Man and needed someone my age and suggested I audition, and that, my fabulous humans, is where I was bit by the bug, and I have never stopped scratching for the last 50 years. I was cast as Amaryllis (that's me in the Big Bow),

and it was one of the coolest things I had ever done, and I loved it, and when it was over, I just wanted to keep doing more and more. That was my dream. That's what I wanted to do with my life, and I did, and they all lived happily ever after, right? WRONG! Far from it. Oh, I'm still connected to the theatre, and I still act, and have done so pretty consistently for the last 50 years, but I don't do it for a living. Very few actors have that luxury, so why am I telling you this story? Theatre has brought a lot of great things into my life. In fact, I would not have my 2 children if it were not for theatre because I met their father doing a show. I went on to act professionally and non-professionally all through school and in my freshman year in High School I did the show Godspell, and I became best friends with the guy playing Jesus. We stayed friends for months, but he wanted more. I did not, but, eventually, after spending almost every free moment together for about a year, something changed, and he became the love of my life, and my dream changed a little. I still wanted to act, but I was more focused on my relationship, and plans for my future with the man I loved. We ended up getting married 6 months after I graduated, and my dream changed. I still wanted to act, but I was more focused on being a good wife, and as my husband was very talented musically, we began to sing together, and then we were in a band, and then 2, and I was mostly singing back-up to him, but we were building that dream together, and theatre kind of took a back seat. My husband was a songwriter, and he was really good, and I really thought the band was making headway, and we were going somewhere. By this time, about 14 years after we were married, we had 2 beautiful daughters (2 and 5). This was my new dream, to have the band we were in become our source of income and to tour with our little family. What could be better, right? Apparently not all people in the little family were on board that ship, and I'm not talking about the 2 & 5 year old. When our band was just on the cusp of actually breaking out, and we were really gaining traction, I found out that the love of my life, my husband of 15+ years, and the father of my children was having an affair. Not only was this devastating to me, but it was especially problematic as he held a part time job as a minister of youth and music at our church, and the band that he was front man for, you know the one we were all in, was a Christian Band. Add to that, that I had made part of my evolved dream being a stay-at-home Mom to our 2 girls with only $100.00/month income as a pre-school music teacher, and that made it impossible for me to leave, and I couldn't tell anybody or he would lose his church job and maybe his main job because he was having an affair with one of his employees. For 5 months I was on an emotional roller coaster trying to be a better wife because why else would he have turned to someone else, right? STOP RIGHT THERE! (insert sound of screeching brakes) If you are reading this, and you are in a marriage or long term relationship, and your partner cheats on you, IT IS NEVER YOUR FAULT!!!!! Say it again, so the people in the back can hear! A partner cheating on you is NOT YOUR FAULT! Was I a perfect wife? No. Did we have issues and arguments? Sure. Should we have been better communicators? Absolutely, but does that justify someone sleeping with another person while they are still sleeping with you, and lying about it, and gaslighting you when you think you know what's going on, and making you feel guilty for even suspecting that? NO! Do I believe people's feelings change in a relationship? I suppose that's possible. Mine didn't which is what made things so hard, and made it that much easier to take the responsibility for all of that. If that does happen, and people fall out of love with their partner, they owe them the respect and decency of saying they want out before they move on. Would that be painful and devastating? Damn right it would, but at least the humiliation and betrayal would not be a part of the equation. Add to all of this that I had to pretend at church and with the band that everything was fine. We were still the golden couple with the 2 adorable children. But, as it is with all secrets, they can't be kept for long. The affair had not ended, and things blew up, and he decided to "make things work" with me. I was elated. I was so glad to have my husband back. We renewed the lease on our townhouse for another year, and three weeks later the girls and I went to the beach with another mom with 2 daughters, and when we came home after 4 days away, he was gone. He left me a letter telling me I needed to get my act together if I was smart, and that I had ruined his ministry. He left his job, (both of them), and we had no idea where he was for almost a month. He took the only car we had that was functional, and every cent in our checking account leaving no money to cover the checks that had been written and sent to pay bills (this was back in 1998, no online bill pay or banking). Luckily, my parents had space for us to move in, and my landlords were great about letting me out of the lease. I had no job to speak of, no money and no car, and a 2 and 5 year old to raise. Well, that blew that dream all to hell, and every other dream with it. At the age of 34, I had to start my adult life completely over. Don't check out yet. If this were a weekly episodic television show, this would be the end of the season cliffhanger. I won't leave you on the ledge, though. New dream: Make sure that I raise strong, independent women that know they are loved. Teach them to be honest with me always, even when it's difficult, and promise to be the same way with them, and make sure they are well provided for. Encourage them and guide them with their dreams and what they want, and to be kind and respectful to other people. I pretty much did that with the help of a whole lot of friends and wonderful support from my family. They are both grown and following dreams of their own. All of that happened almost 26 years ago. I never remarried. I never even had a relationship with anyone else. It just wasn't part of the plan. They were my focus. As we settled into our new life, I slowly got back into the theatre, and began to find that first dream again, although slightly altered. I got some amazing roles through their school years, and they were so supportive of me and still are. My dream had always involved being on stage. I did not want to direct. I just wanted to perform, but as I began to age, there were fewer and fewer opportunities for onstage work, so I thought I'd try directing. I directed a group of high schoolers in a production of Anything Goes, and I loved it. I loved watching a kid realize they were actually good at this acting thing. I adored being able to watch that love that I knew so well bloom in them. I wanted to direct more. Easier said than done. I was not an established director, and few theaters in town were going to take a chance on me. I continued to pick up a few roles here and there, and then, I got the role of a lifetime. I was cast as Della Brady in The Cake at Richmond Triangle Players, and it was the most satisfying, challenging, joyful experience of my career. I knew I would never have another role like this, and I told myself that if I were never cast in anything again, I could be satisfied with that because I had achieved a dream. How little I knew then how prophetic those words would become. The Cake closed in March of 2020, and we all know what happened the end of March. The world shut down. None of us knew if live theatre would ever be a thing again. I think that's when my dream really changed. I knew that if we ever came out of the Pandemic that I wanted theatre to be a part of my life on a daily basis. What I really wanted was to buy some place and start my own theatre. I wanted it to be a place where people could create great things together and realize their true potential and work on something they loved and were passionate about. I know, I know, that's a huge dream, and it would require winning the lottery! I tend to do that. I get an idea, and it just keeps ballooning into something that is impossible right away. I am still getting used to trying to take baby steps. I decided I would start with an acting studio and coach students one-on-one, and thus Amaryllis Studios was born.

Logo designed by Georgi Dysert

I started out with one student, and then I gained another, and I was actually living part of my dream and making a supplemental income doing something I loved. And then 3 1/2 months ago, my youngest daughter and a small group of friends decided we were going to work together to do a show this summer. And guess what? We are! Amaryllis Studios is actually producing a show under the Creative Wing of Vienna Waits Creatives - a whole other post for a different time from a guest blogger, stay tuned. So many friends are helping for no pay because they love the theatre like I do. It's a musical called CHESS, and we have held auditions, and it's cast, and we begin rehearsals next week. This is the dream, folx! It is happening. Is it the one I had at age 10? No, but there's still a part of the little Amaryllis' dream. That's why she's my logo. She planted the seed all those years ago, and life watered it sometimes, and it went unfed sometimes, and then it flourished with different blooms, and now it has evolved into what it was always meant to be. It's not a theater yet, but I know in my heart of hearts that it will be. What is meant for you will never pass you by. I hope that you found value in my story, and that it may have helped you in some way to see the light at the end of the tunnel, or pursue the dream you have. Surround yourself with people that will love that dream into being. It can happen. It has for me, and I know it will for you too. You deserve it! We all do!

If you have been inspired by this story or you want to be a part of this dream, I have launched a Kickstarter called 6 Weeks til Show. This is the summer theatre program that I want to offer every summer to people who want to follow their passion and have a place where they might get that opportunity. I totally get it if you can't contribute, but if not, would you please share to get the word out? I would be so grateful. We all succeed when we lift each other up.