♫♪ Could it be? Yes, it could! ♪♫

About a year ago, I was not in a very happy place. Followers of this blog and my friends will remember that my oldest daughter got accepted to her first choice college only to find out that tuition exchange didn't come through, and she could not attend. Some of you may have been wondering what story unfolded after that blow was dealt. After many, many instances of having to answer the question, "Where are you going to college?" with the answer, "I'm not." and watching all of her friends start their new lives, she stayed home and got a job. Some of you may be wondering why she did not go to community college. If she attended college at all she would not be able to try for tuition exchange again this year. So, after much discussion, we agreed a GAP year would be best. We started the process all over again of applying to colleges last fall. She applied to three, one, a state school, and the other two on tuition exchange. She has already been accepted to both tuition exchange schools, and, HALLELUJAH!, one has already awarded her tuition exchange. The jury is still out on tuition exchange for the other school. Tomorrow she is going to the school that has awarded her tuition exchange to audition for their theatre program. I cannot even be with her because of my show schedule. My wonderful sister is making the trek to take her. It's all so exciting and nerve racking too! What a difference a year makes!! Last year I thought all hope was lost. All dreams had been dashed. I thought that way, but through it all, my daughter's belief in God and His plan for her has never wavered. She was the one comforting me, telling me it would all work out. Well, my love, it seems all is falling into place. I wish you all the best Saturday as you go show the audition committee what all of us here know you have the talent for. This time next year, I will be waiting for you to come home for the summer from your freshman year of college.

No Shame here!

The picture to the left is something I saw on Facebook yesterday. I was particularly struck by the plea at the end to "let those who struggle know they're not alone." So many times we suffer in silence. We wonder if what we are feeling is normal, what will people think of us if they know how we are feeling? or just plain "I feel like I'm going to lose it!!!" If you're reading this today, and you have ever felt like this, YOU ARE NOT ALONE! I want to share my story with you. Several years ago when my marriage was ending, I had to keep it a secret for lots of reasons. Not only did I have to keep it a secret, I had to pretend that everything was fine, even happy. I truly believe our minds and bodies are not meant to perform this function. I suffered physical manifestations from the stress from paralysis, to vision impairment, to literally not being able to speak, but the scariest, by far, were the panic attacks. I had no idea what was happening to me. I literally felt like my skin could not contain me, if that makes sense. The only thing that I can think of to compare it to would be that I felt like a boiling pot of water that desperately wanted to boil over and the lid on top was straining to keep me in. At that moment I thought for sure, I AM GOING CRAZY! The only thing that helped me, was someone holding me so tight that I almost couldn't breathe and staying that way until the attack passed. Ironically the only person I had to do that was the person who was causing the entire situation, but it got me through. The point is, you are not crazy. Don't be afraid to tell someone who cares how you feel. Sometimes, that's the only thing you need is to get it out. Talk, get other help if need be, but don't suffer in silence, and don't be ashamed. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

I've held my tongue long enough!

In the past few weeks I have watched, disgusted at what my state is doing to women's rights. I have been embarrassed as the state of Virginia is called out on National television by comedians like Jon Stewart of the Daily Show and Amy Poehler and Seth Myers on SNL I have seen the pictures and videos on Facebook of the deployment of the S.W.A.T. team to a peaceful protest, and candlelight vigil. It was surreal to me as I watched State Troupers pick up and forcibly remove men and women from the state capitol steps because they were....wait for it...SITTING! (Insert Gasps and Shrieks of horror here) I have posted a comment here and there. I have changed my profile picture to a Bumper Sticker that says, "MY BODY! MY CHOICE!" I have signed petitions, but I have not stated my opinion here. Well, that's about to change. To quote Bette Davis, "Fasten your seat belts. It's going to be a bumpy night!" The impetus for this change? Something I just read on Facebook on the WRIC-TV8 page: Why are you on the pill?  Businesses in Arizona may soon be able to ask female workers that question and deny them contraception coverage. At least it's not Virginia this time.

First, I know that these are all very sensitive and emotional issues, especially the issues that surround abortion. I am not PRO-abortion. No one is PRO-abortion. No one is standing on the street encouraging people to get abortions. I resent that label and always have. I am PRO-choice, meaning, it is my choice, your choice, anyone's choice what they do with their body. It is not for me or any employer  or congressman, or senator or delegate to judge or tell anyone whether or not they can have an abortion. The only exception to this rule, in my opinion, would be if my doctor knew that having that procedure would endanger my life.  No one knows but that WOMAN what she is going through. Am I saying that all abortions performed are necessary? No, I'm saying, that's not up to me to judge. People will deal with their own choices. Every choice has a consequence. 

To the lovely legislators in Arizona: What the hell is wrong with you? I know what some of you are saying, "Why should the employer or insurance benefit provided by the employer pay for contraception if it is not being used for a medical reason?" To those people, I say, WAKE UP!!!! Get your head out of....the sand!   Let's say this law passes. Jane Doe works in Arizona. She is called into the office by her boss one day. Are we discussing her stellar performance, her punctuality, the way she makes coffee? No, Jane is being asked why she is taking Birth Control Pills. Jane, not wanting to lie, answers as honestly as she can. Jane is taking birth control to make sure she doesn't get pregnant until she is ready to have a child. Her boss replies to this statement by telling Jane that her insurance will no longer cover the cost of her birth control pills. Jane leaves the office dismayed. Flash Forward nine months: Jane has a baby. Her employer has paid, at this point, according to Pregnancy Weekly, anywhere from $6,800 to $10,600. This doesn't include paid maternity leave for Jane. Let's do the math, shall we? Even the most expensive pack of pills, let's say $150 per month, would have cost $1800 for a year. They could have paid for pills for almost 4 years before they reached the lowest end of the cost of pregnancy. I was always pretty good in math, but any dummy can see that the Birth Control Pills are cheaper for the company. 

Call me crazy, but this seems all about judgement and shame to me. I'm sure that everyone in this country is having sex for procreation purposes only. Yeah, right! If you believe that, there's a bridge in Brooklyn I'd like to sell you. Why are we going backwards? It scares me, and I don't scare easily. It makes me wonder what life will be like for my two daughters as they grow into adulthood. If we continue down this path, this line of thinking, it will be a very scary life indeed.

“Invisible threads are the strongest ties” ― Friedrich Nietzsche

There are certain people that come into your life that you have a definite connection with. It's a deep, unexplainable connection. It almost transcends reality. I have just such a connection with a very dear friend of mine. He is probably my oldest friend as we met each other in 1975. A traumatic event that we went through together in May of that same year turned acquaintances into life long friends. We have stayed in touch throughout all of these years, sometimes on a more regular basis than others, but through it all, this connection has remained. We live a good distance from each other. We live separate lives, but I know he will always be there if I need him, and he knows that about me too. All through my life, he has been able to sense when I need to hear from him. At one of the lowest points in my life when I was bearing a huge burden in secret for fear of letting the world know what I was going through, I heard from my friend. When he called, I had probably not heard from him in years, but the sound of his voice immediately lifted my spirits. I didn't share my secret burden, but just talking to him was just what I needed.
Recently my friend found out he had a very aggressive form of cancer. Surgery was set to try and fix the problem, remove the organ that was diseased. The fear? The cancer may have spread, and therefore would not be able to be removed. Pretty scary! Let's face it. None of us ever wants to hear the "C" word. If anyone tells you it doesn't strike a chord of panic when heard in a diagnosis, I would venture to say they would be lying. I was concerned. I prayed for him. I put him on my Sunday school prayer list, but throughout the entire period of the time I found out until now, I felt this sense of calm. That little voice inside saying to me, "Everything is going to be okay." My daughter even commented to me how calm I was about the whole thing. Now, I have to say, I am not a panicky person. I keep my head in most crisis situations. It is not until everything is all over that I usually fall apart and always in private. I never shared this with my friend because I didn't want to seem like I was not taking this very difficult situation seriously, I was. My connection to him just made me feel a peace about the whole ordeal. Today I found out that he's, in his words, "OK" The surgery was successful, and the cancer had stayed contained. I am thrilled, overjoyed, and true to form, I fell apart, in private, after it was all over, not tears of sadness but extreme joy that my friend and his family have been freed, and my "connection" remains.

I once thought of you as a white night on a steed

A piece of my childhood died this week. How sad I was to learn through Facebook that Davy Jones of Monkees fame had passed away at the age of 66 from a massive heart attack. If all of us ladies of my age were really honest with ourselves we will admit that we had a crush of some proportion on Davy, the groovy guy with the British accent who was one of The Monkees. He was the "cute" one. I can remember sitting in my grandmother and grandfather's family room every Saturday afternoon to hear the familiar strains of ♫♪ Here we come, walkin' down the street....Hey, hey we're the Monkees! ♫♪ It was a silly, madcap show that ended each week with a song. It was simple and frivolous, and you didn't have to think to watch it. It was about the fun. Of course I knew all the words to I'm a Believer, Last Train to Clarksville, and Daydream Believer, the one Davy made famous. In this day and age of instant information, so 12 seconds ago, it is hard to imagine not knowing everything about a celebrity. As things began to surface this week after Davy died, I was surprised to learn that he had played the role of the Artful Dodger in the original production of Oliver on Broadway, and he was nominated for a Tony for it. I will always remember him as the littlest Monkee, Marcia Brady's crush, and the daydream believer. Rest in peace, Davy Jones.

The Moments That Take Our Breath Away

It is a well known fact to anyone who knows me or reads this blog that I am passionate about acting. I cannot remember wanting to be anything else when I was growing up. I have been blessed to have had a fairly consistent side career as an actress for the past 38 years. I have never really addressed my philosophy or my particular style of acting before in this blog, but something happened to me last week that inspired me to share in this post. 

I have never had any formal training as an actor beyond high school drama classes and the experience I have gained under the mentoring of some fabulous directors over the years. I never studied Stanislavski or Adler. I am not "method", the classic "What's my motivation?" style. If I had to name my style, it would be "in the moment" I try, when I am onstage, to be "in the moment" always! Acting is pretending, pretending to be someone else, somewhere else. I think about my character. Who is she? What does she like? How does she sound? How would she feel? in this moment. By being in that moment, every action and sometimes, more importantly, reaction are consistent and real. If I create that real moment, then the audience isn't watching me act, they are experiencing that moment with me. I have created a world, and I have invited them into it. The more real the world is for me, the more they feel they are a part of it. 

Right now, I am playing the part of an adoring fan, Louise Seger, in Barksdale Hanover Tavern's "Always, Patsy Cline" This role is nothing but moments because except for a very few lines to "Patsy" and the band members, everything I say is directed to the audience. It needs to be real or I am sure the audience would soon bore of the long conversations I have with them. The character of "Louise" creates a world for the audience out of her memories of her friendship with Patsy Cline. She makes it quite clear how enamoured she is with Patsy and her music. At the end of the show, Louise shares with the audience the moment when she heard the news that Patsy Cline had died in a airplane crash. It is a sweet, tender moment. Most of Louise's lines in the show are fun and illicit laughter. This particular time is a side that the audience has not been allowed to see of Louise.

Barksdale Hanover Tavern is an extremely intimate theater. This plays well for this kind of show. In this particular production, after my "Louise" shares this news with the audience, I have been directed to step off of the stage and in the aisle as we all look at a solo mic, spotlighted in the center of the stage, and listen to the last notes of "How Great Thou Art". Last week as I stepped off of the stage and into the aisle, as I stood there in the dark of the theater, I felt the hand of the woman sitting in the front row on the aisle slip into mine and give it a gentle squeeze as if to say, "It's all right, Louise. I miss Patsy too. It's okay to be sad. I'm here with you." She held my hand until it was time for me to step back up on the stage. In all my years of acting, I have had many moments. I have never experienced one quite like that. It was so special to me, and one I am sure I will not soon forget. It reminds me, once again, why I do this, why I have always wanted to do this, and why I will continue to do this as long as my mind and body will let me. 

A Love Story

Yes, it's Valentine's Day, and this will be my 14th alone. Now, before anyone gets in an uproar, this is not going to be a post bashing Valentine's Day or love or romance. Quite the opposite actually. This is a love story. As a little girl I can remember looking forward to Valentine's Day. We all took our bags and proudly decorated them with construction paper hearts of red and pink, our name proudly written in the very center so as not to be missed when the valentines were dropped into the bag on that day in February. I can remember agonizing over giving just the right drugstore bought valentine to the boy I liked at the time. It couldn't say too much, but it had to say just enough that he might guess the way I felt and he might like me back too. I'd take that nearly busting bag  home and go through each valentine analyzing the signatures from the boys to see if anyone might reveal a crush by signing that tiny piece of thin cardboard with "love". Those were the days of simple innocence about the affairs of the heart.
By my high school days things were a little different. By age 16, I still had not dated anyone. I was living out the term "Sweet 16, never been kissed." That is not to say that I wasn't in love. I was!! I had fallen hard for a boy at school. Some would say it was a crush, but to me it was very real!!! I have always known exactly what I wanted, how I felt. I am very honest with myself and others. I do not play games, and lay all my cards on the table. This was not puppy love. I truly loved this boy and wanted more than anything for him to ask me out. I lived for any conversation we would have, any chance to be with him. He had no interest in me other than friendship. I refused to accept it, and held out hope. In the meantime I had a very good friend who also happened to be a guy, and ironically felt the same way about me as I did about my crush. We spent hours upon hours together talking, going to movies, out to dinner, the mall. I'm sure people thought we were a couple, but we were "just friends" This guy was a very talented songwriter, and I asked him to write me a song to sing to my crush. He did. When it came time for me to sing the song, he presented it to me. As I read the beautiful lyrics asking the listener to "read between the lines" to see what was right in front of their face, I realized those lyrics had been written not for me to sing to my crush but how the writer felt about me. I decided to open up my heart to new possibilities. Within a few days the writer and I began dating and spent many happy years together. Although the relationship didn't last "forever," it began as a romantic fairy tale, and I am so grateful for the love I experienced and shared. That love gave me the two most precious things in my life. When people experience loss, they are often asked if they could go back in time, would they change things knowing what they know now? Not a chance. For every step I have taken has lead me to  who I am today, and I can say with utmost confidence, I am very happy! Celebrate the love in your life, whether you have it now or you had it in the past. To have been loved and had the chance to give love is the greatest gift we are given.