Thanks for Sharing

I recently saw a film called Thanks for Sharing. The film is specifically about sex addiction, but it really opened up a world to me that a lot of us don't see. More importantly, we don't want to see it. It is the world of the addict. When we hear addict we think junkie, someone holed up in some crack house, or shooting up in some alley. There are all kinds of addicts, and I am sure that some people I interact with every day have some kind of addiction. I just don't know about it. They keep it well hidden, but, oh, what a struggle that must be! I do not have an addictive personality. I've never done drugs. I've never smoked, not even for a role on stage. In fact I almost turned down an amazing role years ago because the character was a chain smoker, and when I was offered the role, I turned it down initially telling the director I would love to do the role, but I wasn't going to smoke. She told me they had already decided, given the small space, to eliminate that part of the character. Break for me. I drink alcohol maybe once or twice a year, and never enough to hardly get tipsy. I have some very strong pain medication that I take when I have kidney stones, but I only take them for the pain, and proof of that is that I have a prescription that is years old, and there are still several pills left. I did not list all those things to say, "Look at me! I'm a saint!" I just believe that people are wired differently, and I thank God that I am not wired to fall prey to addiction.
I grew up around addiction. My father was an alcoholic. Now, before I go any further I want to say right now that I loved my Daddy. I don't share this to tarnish him in any way. In fact I was very proud of him when he stopped, and spent the rest of his days as a recovering alcoholic, but it was not easy to be around as his child. When I was very young I don't remember much about it at all, probably because I spent most of the time at my grandmother and grandfather's house just 6 doors down from our own. But.. being the stubborn child I was I do remember once, around age 6 or 7, that I insisted on spending a Friday night in my own house rather than do the usual spending the weekend at my grandparent's as my sister had. My father was not home when I went to bed, but I remember distinctly waking up to yelling and peering through my parent's bedroom door and seeing my father pick up the end of the fourposter bed, and slam it back down to the floor in anger. I quickly went back to bed. I had never seen my dad like that. Let me also add here that my dad was never physically abusive with any of us. As I grew older, in my teens, especially my high school years, my dad never had dinner with us because he would start drinking beer when he got home and would continue beer after beer until around 10 or 11 at night when he was finally ready to eat, and my mother would fix him dinner. If I happened to stick around to interact with my dad after several beers I would almost always leave irritated. When my dad drank beer he would become what I would call a pitiful drunk constantly asking me if I loved him. He would get very thick tongued and unsteady on his feet. I usually didn't stick around for the end stages. I hated it!!!! When my dad drank hard liquor he would get very mean and sarcastic, and often times he would go out driving, something that is incomprehensible to me now. He did this even after I was hit by a drunk driver at the age of 11 resulting in over 100 stitches in my face as the result of the back window exploding in my face. That alone proves it was and is a disease. My father loved me immensely! He would never deliberately put me or anyone else in danger. But I will be honest. I judged him then. I thought how awful it was that he wouldn't stop drinking. He didn't see himself as having a problem. He could handle it. Isn't it that way with so many addicts? I remember how hurt he was when my future in-laws had an open bar at my rehearsal dinner and I asked him to please not drink. It wasn't like it is now back then. People didn't talk about these things. Nobody shared. It wasn't viewed as a problem. I am not sure what the catalyst was that made him stop. It was after I was married and out of the house for a few years, but he did, and he stayed sober for the rest of his days here with us. I was so glad when my children came along that he was sober because they loved him deeply and he them, and they were able to have a wonderful relationship with their Papa because he was not under the influence, but I'm sure every day was a struggle for him.
My last post was about Philip Seymour Hoffman's tragic death due to a heroin overdose. A statement was made by another celebrity over social media that his death was stupid. Maybe that person was trying to convey that taking heroin to begin with was stupid and he should have had more self control and made better choices. Easier said than done, my friend.  After all, isn't addiction the very definition of being out of control? A good friend of mine posted an article today on Facebook about this very mentality and how dangerous it is. I don't think anyone has ever said this better to open our eyes to the life of an addict. Why did I share all this today? Because keeping it quiet is part of the problem. Shaming is part of the problem. Judging is part of the problem. I'd rather be part of the solution.

Sometimes You Just Have to Ask, "Why?"

Today is a sad day. Today the world has lost one of its finest young actors, Philip Seymour Hoffman. I say young because to me, he was. Only 46, 4 years younger than I, but really young in the fact that he had so much more to share with the world. An amazing talent, he began his career in 1991 at the age of 24. I first heard of his death when my daughter called me from college because she was hoping it was a hoax, and asked me if it was true. At this point, the wire services had already picked up the story, and his death had been confirmed. Being a budding actor herself, he was one of her favorites. He was also one of mine. He was definitely one of the most versatile actors of our time. Proof of this came to me when I went to IMDB to search for a film I had seen him in years ago, and as I looked at his body of work, I found myself thinking, "Oh, yeah, I forgot he was in that." Not to say that he was forgettable at all, but that he was so different in each role he brought to life that I certainly remembered the role, but had forgotten that he was the actor. I guess the first time I ever saw him was in Boogie Nights, a very interesting role in a very interesting movie. I've seen him in a myriad of roles since then running the gamut from the priest in Doubt to Ben Stiller's crazy friend in Along Came Polly, but one of my favorite roles of his was that of Rusty in a 1999 movie with Robert De Niro called Flawless. You may have never heard of it, but do yourself a favor and rent it. Hoffman plays a drag queen who is giving De Niro, a wounded cop, singing lessons as a form of physical therapy. The premise sounds humorous to say the least, but it has some extremely touching moments, and Hoffman's performance is nothing short of brilliant! I don't even know how I happened on it to begin with, but I am so glad I did. When I think of Philip Seymour Hoffman, I think of the words fearless, risk taker, bold, passionate and definitely talented, but he was obviously very private as well. You didn't hear a lot about his personal life. No one knows what drives us to do the things we do. He was definitely struggling, and it makes me so sad that yet another giant in the acting world has fallen prey to the monster of drug addiction. I am not passing judgement. I am simply asking, "Why?" I will never understand, and my heart is heavy at the loss of such a bright light who had the world in front of him. What wonderful performances could we have seen if we had not been deprived of another 30 years of his career?

No More Babies

Today is bittersweet for me. It marks the day that I officially have no more "children." My youngest girl becomes a legal adult today as she turns 18 at 8:16 this morning. I cannot believe that 18 years have passed since I traveled to Henrico Doctors Hospital very early on a snowy Thursday morning for a planned C-section due to the fact that the delivery of her older sister 3 1/2 years prior had not been an easy one. She received one arrangement of yellow roses and a balloon and almost no visitors as  the blizzard of 1996 had hit. The yellow roses came from my sweet Daddy. In fact the name on the floral card decided how we would spell her name. Her name is Georgia, but we call her Georgi. Most people spell it with an "e" on the end, but as the story goes, when the clerk at the florist asked my father how to spell her name, he didn't know. She suggested that leaving off the "e" had a lot of personality and flair, and that is the way it has always been. It could not suit her more perfectly. She has tons of personality and fabulous flair. She is talented and entertaining, and she keeps all of us in stitches with all of her different characters and voices. I often think how much my father would love her humor, and I can hear him laughing and see his smile.
She is a true beauty inside and out! I look at her in awe, and sometimes cannot believe that I created her. She has dealt with adversity all of her life as we became a single parent household when her father left us just after she turned 2. She has never known anything but financial struggle, but you would never know it. She is giving and kind and compassionate, and she has never used the adversity as an excuse to behave badly or whine or fail. She has taught me more than I could ever have imagined, and I treasure her insight and her unique view of the world. She has opened my eyes to things that I never would have seen. I often say that we are the same person, and in many ways we are, but at 18, she is already a better person than I would have ever dreamed of becoming when I was her age.
People say you fall in love with a child as soon as they are placed in your arms. I don't know if it was that way for me, but every day has been an adventure. We have had our ups and downs, mostly ups, but my love grows deeper and deeper as the years pass, and I didn't think it would be possible for my love to be any bigger, but it just keeps evolving as we walk our journey together as Mother and daughter and more importantly best friends. My sweet, sweet, girl, I cannot wait to see how you tackle the world! But always know that I will be right here by your side not to hover but to be here if you need me. Happy, happy birthday! I am so blessed to have you in my life! All my love to you today and always!

Say Something.

When I started this blog almost 4 years ago, I didn't know what kind of writer I was. I didn't even know if I could write. And if I could, would anyone want to read it? To my surprise I have had many people tell me that they like my writing, and I am flattered to say the least, but I think there is a reason that my blog has met with approval and enjoyment by the reader. I decided when I started that I would not just write to be writing but that I would only write when inspired. Sometimes that inspiration has come out in the form of rants, sometimes humor, sometimes fond memories and tributes to those I love, but I always have something to say that means something to me and so, I assume, strikes a chord in others. This post will be no different.
It is no secret that I love music. I love to sing it! I love to listen to it, and play it, although I wish I was better at the latter. But music, whatever form it takes, can be so powerful! I have been moved to tears at its beauty, rocked out to it blaring out of my car speakers with the windows down, and used it to calm both of my girls when they were babies. Who doesn't feel a sense of longing when they hear Judy Garland sing those beautiful words, "If happy little bluebirds fly beyond the rainbow, why, oh, why can't I?" or terror when you hear those low strains of the cello slow at first and then faster and faster adding tympani as the shark is approaching? Years ago I saw the Disney film, Up. If you saw the film, you know where I am going, and right now, your mind is hearing that ragtime style piano, and your eyes are welling with tears. For those who have not seen it, the beginning of the film contains a montage of pictures underscored by Michael Giaccino's music. The montage spans a couple's life together, their highs and lows, and as all sweet love stories, it must come to an end. When I saw the film I cried like a baby, but later I was in the room when my girls were watching. I was faced away from the screen putting my make-up on, and I had to make them turn the film off because simply hearing the music was stirring up that sadness again, and I began to cry. Wimp that I am or glutton for punishment, whichever you prefer, I just pulled up that piece of music on YouTube to play while I am writing, and I had to take my glasses off because I am sitting here crying. All of this to say, music has IMMENSE power over us.

I was recently introduced to a new song by A Great Big World called Say Something. It is so simple but incredibly moving. It begins with the pounding of a single note on the piano, slowly chords are added and finally strings. Nothing grandiose, nothing driving, the melody by itself sounds lonely, but then the vocals begin, "Say something. I'm giving up on you." As the song goes on it tells a story. Like many great songs, it is about a relationship. This particular relationship is obviously one sided. One half has given up long ago, but the other half has been striving to fight enough for both, holding on with everything they have. This song speaks to the last desperate attempt of the fighter begging for a reason to stay because they just can't fight any longer without a shred of hope to cling to. "Say something." Give me a reason to stay. It is sad and beautiful in its desperation. I cannot express how much this song resonates with me. When my marriage first started to hit the rocks almost 16 years ago, I was that desperate 1/2 fighting to hold on to something, trying to keep the vessel afloat with only me to bail the water, finally drowning as it sank lower and lower and begging for a hand to reach and pull me out so that the marriage could be whole once more. This song describes exactly the way I felt then. And even though I don't want my marriage back it reminded me how very real the hurt was all those years ago. It also made me realize that sometimes, no matter how hard you try, or how much you give, it will never be enough because for a relationship to work, both people have to want it.
Music feeds our souls. It shows us who we are. It lifts us up when we are down and sometimes expresses, better than we ever could, our sorrow. And even if words fail me, music will always...say something.

Ramma Lamma Ding Dong Forever!

Since October of 2013 I have been involved with an original theatre production called A Lugnuts Christmas. We began rehearsals on October 21st and we just closed the show last Sunday, January 5th, 2014. It was a small cast of 6, so you can imagine that we got to know each other pretty well. I had worked with and known 2 of the members of the cast for years, but the other three were brand new to me. As an actor, there are many times that you do shows, and there is at least one person who is difficult to be around, to put it mildly. Not so in this case. We all got along GREAT! Rehearsals were challenging, to say the least. Learning 4 and 6 part harmony is not easy, especially for this gal. I have sung soprano in choir all of my life for a reason, it's the melody. I found my self singing every part but Bass in this show and many times I felt inadequate which brings me to the first person I want to mention in this post, our musical director and arranger, Jason Marks. Jason was beyond patient with all of us, and if it had not been for him, this show would have fallen flat on it's face. His arrangements were beautiful and the harmonies were tight. My personal favorite was What Child is This? He spent countless hours laying down rehearsal tracks for us, making orchestrations that would rival any live orchestra or band, and finally plunking out our parts over and over again. Jason, you will never know how much I appreciated you, and I am sure my cast mates would feel the same!
As the title reveals, this was a Christmas show. GEEK ALERT!! When I was a teenager and it would snow, I would wander outside and walk in the softly falling snow, and sing Christmas songs pretending I was filming a Christmas Special, a la Andy Williams or Perry Como or Bing Crosby. I know, lame, right? I have also said often that if I ever get enough money to record an album, it will be a Christmas album. Suffice it to say, I love Christmas and Christmas music! I grew up watching those family Christmas specials, so you can imagine that I was thrilled to be able to be in one of those Christmas Specials just live and on stage. All that being said, the thing that made this experience wonderful for me was the people.
We started rehearsal with an incomplete cast. We were missing our high tenor. Boy, were we lucky when Steve Travers walked through the door! Not only did he have the voice of an angel, he could sight read like a mad man, a big plus for this show! On top of that, he's a pretty nice guy, and I am so glad to have a new friend!
Before rehearsals even began, I found out I would get to work with 2 guys that I have known forever. The first was Eric Williams. I have known Eric since 1975. He was in the very first professional show I ever did, The Music Man, at Swift Creek Mill Playhouse. I was 10. Okay, put away your calculators. I'm 50. Eric is just a shade older, but you'd never know it to look at him. He hasn't changed a bit, and I mean that. He looks exactly the same. Amazingly as much as both of us work in Richmond Theatre, Lugnuts was the first show we had done together since '75. Eric is also the nicest person I have ever known, and I mean that sincerely! I have never seen him when he was not smiling. He is supportive and loving and never has a mean thing to say about anyone or anything! It was a joy to see him 5 times a week. The second was Ford Flannagan. I have known Ford since 1986. We did a show together at Theatre IV called Scapino. Ford's comic skills are unmatched, on stage and off. He is quick witted and always has a great comeback for everything. Ford surprised me when we did a show together a few years ago for Stage 1 called Nor mal. I had always seen Ford do comedy, but he kicked major ass in a very serious role of a father to an anorexic daughter. I was privileged to work beside him. I had the wonderful fortune to work with him twice this year in To Kill a Mockingbird and Lugnuts with Va-Rep. Ford worked his tail off learning the music for this show, and it was evident. He played the character of "Moe", and I kidded that "Moe" was my character's favorite. Aside from his amazing talent, Ford is a true gentleman and an all-around nice guy. I got to know Ford a little bit better personally this show, and I am really glad I did.
The other two people rounding out the cast were Jody Ashworth and Mandy Williams. I had seen Jody in a few shows but had never worked with him on stage. Jody is an AMAZING bass, and he was the foundation that made all the Doo Wop just incredible! It is hard to find a good bass, but it is impossible to find a bass that sings with the authority that Jody does. His low notes are the kind that make your toes tingle. I was also lucky to add Jody to my list of friends, and he and I were always the last ones out of the dressing room. Truth be told, he probably could have gotten out earlier, but was nice enough to hang around so I wouldn't have to walk to my car by myself. Mandy came to us from New York. If I had to use one word to describe Mandy, it would be vivacious! She came in full of energy and ready to dive in. She was very easy going and easy to work with. Certainly no drama there. And every night when she sang "Let Me In" with the boys, she took us to church! Hallelujah! And for one week I got to work with Ben Houghton who came in to replace the vacationing Steve. I don't know how you did it, buddy, but you did it well! I hope we get to work together again.
No show is complete without crew. It is a blessing to have a great crew to support us. Without them we would be nothing. Kim Pawlick was a wonderful stage manager. I was shocked to find out at the cast party that she is only 18. She definitely has a future in this capacity, she was amazing. This was not an easy show for the stage manager as she is the Jill of all trades at the Tavern, sound cues, light cues, and microphones, she did it all flawlessly! And my beloved little Snowbear, Katie Peterson who knows how to shake tail, Snowbear tail that is. Thanks for making sure I was attired properly every night to hula!
Last but not least, I have to thank Bruce Miller, our director, for bringing us all together. Obviously we were a good fit because we didn't have a show that did not get a spontaneous standing ovation every night. People  had a great time, and that's what it's really about. People laughed and sang along and tapped their feet and smiled. We, as actors, couldn't ask for anything more.

An Addendum to My Previous Post

Since I wrote my New Year's post at 2:30 AM this morning, I am not surprised that I left something out. In the fall of 2013 my oldest went through a very challenging and stressful journey to play a dream role, Audrey in Little Shop of Horrors. Very few of us get to play dream roles and often when we get our dreams there is always something that tarnishes them. So was the case for her. But through it all she persevered and came out on top and gave a kick-ass performance in spite of all who tried to stand in her way. She proved to me through that experience that she has the drive to pursue this crazy dream of becoming an actor!

2013...An Amazing Year!

We've been in 2014 for about 2 1/2 hours, so I decided to sit down and write about my 2013 and maybe put a little bit out there about some things I might expect in 2014. I started 2013 doing something I love and I ended it the same way. I had the incredible fortune to get a call last January from a wonderful director that I had never had the opportunity to work with, Steve Perigard. He was directing Noel Coward's Hayfever for Va-Rep, and the actress playing the maid, Clara, had to drop out of the show. He was asking me if I'd like to do it. Well, of course I said yes, and thus began my year acting. It was a wonderful experience, and more importantly I made some amazing new friends. In the spring I took over the role of audience member and saw my baby tear up the role of Anita in her high school's production of West Side Story. Saying I was a proud mother would be an understatement. In the beginning of May I celebrated two things, my oldest having an incredible freshman year in college and the fact that I survived a year of not having her at home. In the summer I took a little break from the stage to watch both of my girls in productions of their own. In July I found out that I had been cast in one of my all time favorites, To Kill a Mockingbird, again with Va-Rep. We had a long rehearsal process and opened in September. It was a fabulous experience, and I got to meet Mary Badham, the Oscar nominated actress who played Scout in the film, a real treat for this film geek! When Mockingbird closed I went right into rehearsal, again for Va-Rep, for A Lugnuts Christmas, an original musical. That's how I closed out my year, and I will also start 2014 acting thanks to Va-Rep as Lugnuts runs for one more week. I have worked more as an actress this year than I have in my 40 year career, and I hope it will continue in 2014!
There were also some incredible losses in 2013. The person I called my father-in-law for 15 years lost his battle with several health issues, and left this world on his own terms. Shortly after his 50th birthday, my cousin left us quite unexpectedly, the victim of a pulmonary embolism. It really made me view my own mortality as he was one of the healthiest people I knew.
What will 2014 hold? For one I will watch my baby turn 18 in exactly one month from today. She will also graduate from high school, and I will officially become an empty nester, a little scary for me. This particular year will hold some rough challenges for me, but I have faith that God has always had a plan for me, and I will get through. "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jer. 29:11