21: Today it means more than Blackjack!

Today is a huge day in my little family of three's life. Today, my oldest daughter, my firstborn turns 21. Yes, I know legally she has been an adult since age 18, but there was still some uncharted territory that she could not enter into legally, mainly consuming alcohol. Now, this is not going to be a post about the evils of demon rum, and I know that nothing was keeping her from imbibing before this day if she had wanted to at one of her college parties, but now that last little barrier is down, and LEGALLY, she can do anything she wants. She's not a kid anymore, and where the hell have 21 years gone? In my house, we are BIG Gilmore Girls fans! There is a character on the show, Lane Kim, the best friend of Rory Gilmore. Lane's mother is extremely strict! No rock music, no make-up, no dancing...you get the picture. Lane is a rebel, and lives a double life hiding contraband under the floorboards in her room, employing all kinds of schemes to date a boy she thinks will not gain her mother's approval until finally her secret life is revealed, and she moves out to live her life the way she wants. However when she finally ends up in a serious relationship and things are progressing the way most relationships do, she announces to her boyfriend, much to his shock and disappointment, that they have to be married. Later on she meets her mother on the street, and angrily she says to her, "You're in my head!" My little girl isn't a little girl anymore. She's away at college living her own life, and I am not there with that watchful eye to say, "No you can't do that!" or "As long as you're under my roof..." All I can hope is that "I'm in her head," and when she is faced with decisions big or small, she will think of all the conversations we've had, and the arguments and the advice I've given, yes, even sometimes unsolicited, and she will make the right choices. She will always be my little girl, but my role has changed. The raising part is done. She is on her own in the world. Ironic that we, as parents, spend all of our lives preparing them for this moment, and when it comes, all we want to do is hold on. Happy Birthday, sweet girl! I love you enough to let you go!

Everybody Gets a Trophy!

Recently I took time off work to attend what I thought was a school ceremony, at least I had the picture in my mind of what ceremonies were like when I was in high school. The function I attended was about as far from ceremony as you could get. My daughter was being inducted into an honor society. Coincidentally it was the same one I was inducted into in my high school days. When I was inducted or "tapped" as they called it then, it was a HUGE deal. It was coveted by those who didn't achieve it, and something to feel proud and honored by if it was achieved. The entire school attended the tapping ceremony, and the student who was being tapped had no idea until a fellow student, usually someone they had a bond with in the organization would come up behind the student and place their hands on their shoulders. You would then join the others to wait until all were tapped, and then you held a candle and took the pledge of the organization you had just been tapped into. Later, you and your parents, who had secretly been informed so they could attend to see this special moment in your high school career, were guests at a reception held in honor of all the inductees. It was an event that meant something, and being tapped into the organization meant not only academic scholarship, but leadership and character as well. You didn't just have to achieve a certain grade point average, and BOOM, you were in. I know this because I achieved the grade point average required in my Junior year, but I was not tapped until my senior year, something I was gravely disappointed about. What I attended last week could be likened to a cattle call audition. If you don't know what that is, anyone and everyone shows up for an audition and you are shuffled through as fast as humanly possible. The "ceremony", and I use the term loosely, lasted 20 minutes, TOPS! Very few parents were in attendance, only the students being inducted were there. No other part of the student body witnessed, as they had in my day, the induction. Some brief opening remarks were made by the sponsor. The officers were introduced. They read the definitions of the attributes required with about as much enthusiasm as if they were reading the phonebook. The president had all the students stand,  raise their right hand and repeat the pledge, and then all of the students names were read  so fast it made my head spin, as they crossed the stage to receive their pin. Closing remarks were briefly made by one of the school officials, and then we were released to the reception. Before you get excited and think the drive-thru ceremony was salvaged by the reception, let me describe it to you. A table was set up pushed against the wall in the commons area, and it was impossible to get to as the 3rd wave of the student body was also eating lunch at the time. There was cake and punch, and because of the crowd, it took my daughter a good 5 minutes just to get a cup of punch, which she then took back to her lunch table to eat with her friends. I gave her a hug, told her I was proud of her and left. My entire drive to work, I got more and more upset and disillusioned. There was nothing special about what I had just attended. No student felt honored or set apart. Truthfully, for all the decorum and pomp the ceremony possessed, someone could have called all the students into the auditorium, and threw the pins from a basket to the crowd much like someone throws candy from a float to the spectators watching a parade. I discussed things with my daughter later, and she told me that to get in, all you had to do was achieve the grade point average required, and pay your dues, and you were in. We actually knew about this at the end of last year. She brought a form letter home in her backpack that said she had been invited to participate, and when her dues needed to be paid to be in the organization. She didn't regard it as an honor, or something to be revered, or anything special. Why? because no one treated it as such. Why has it become taboo to set individuals apart? To make someone feel special? At the end of last year, my daughter received an honor in her choir that was voted on by her peers. As a proud parent, I posted on Facebook the honor she received only to receive a comment that felt it was not right to set an individual apart as "the best" Why? If they are the best at what they do, why not tell them? Why not give students an example to follow, a goal to strive for? Wouldn't that make them work harder, achieve more? I read an editorial several months ago that was written by a father. His son was young and had played in a basketball league. For lack of a better way to put it, he was terrible! At the end of the season a banquet was held. The son was given a trophy for participating. As the father and son walked to their car after the banquet was over, the son asked the father what the trophy was for. The father answered that it was for participation to which the son replied, "That's stupid." When they arrived home, he threw the trophy into the closet, and it was never seen again. Pretty smart kid, if you ask me. In an effort to make everyone feel "special" we have made no one feel special. Rather than positive results from sending the message that everybody wins, we have created apathy, and instilled a lack of drive and ambition. We have indeed told America's youth that to succeed in life, all you have to do is show up. Nothing could be farther from the truth, and we have done them a disservice by leaving them completely unprepared for rejection and failure. If you're even close to my age, 50 in a few short weeks, raise your hand if you've never experienced rejection or failure. I'm relatively sure NONE of you can make that claim. What ever happened to learning from our mistakes, trying that much harder when we lose, because the next time we want to win, looking at someone who is the best, and setting our sites to be just like him or her? I read a quote today in an article, and it sums it up best, "When EVERYONE gets a trophy, no one wins!"

Lost Connection

It's been 12 years. Sitting in my office this morning and reading Facebook posts about 9/11, I was trying to think of what kind of post to write. I didn't want to repeat myself, so I searched my own blog for previous posts I had written on the subject. I started to just share a previous post I had written in 2010 because I thought it pretty much summed up the way I feel, but just as I was about to hit the share button on Facebook, I stopped, not because the feelings I wrote about then don't still ring true for me, they do, but the picture I paint of America in that post isn't quite the same. My status update today asks the question, "Where were you?" But digging deeper, how did you feel then, and how do you feel now? 12 years ago, technologically, we were in a very different world. We listened to those reports of the attacks on a radio, or watched a TV set if we happened to be near one. If we were separated from our loved ones, we could not physically see them unless we drove to where they were. Yes, cell phones existed, but you could not call someone and see their face and talk to them on the phone. You could not shoot off a quick text of "You ok?" in between classes or coming out of a meeting at work. Today, we can communicate with each other instantly, and even if you couldn't get a call through, everyone would tweet or post, "I'm ok. Sending out prayers and love to all who have lost someone."  and the world would know just what was going on in our life at that moment. But for all of our advances in connectivity since September 11, 2001, we seem to have lost our connection. As is often the case when a tragedy of that magnitude strikes, everyone is united by their grief, their shock, their anger, their pain. We all come together. Together. I have to say, sadly, if someone asked me, today,  to name a word that describes America, together would not spring to mind. In fact, it may not be on the list at all. A friend shared something his mother used to say to him when he and his sister were getting along well, describing themselves as "Buddies to the end." To which his mother would reply, "And the end's not far away." I liken America to that. 12 years ago, we all stepped up. We thought of others before ourselves. We worked together for what was best for all. Now, we have become a people divided, caring only about being right and never admitting when we're wrong. Together isn't even in our vocabulary. It's my way or no way! Now, this seems like a pretty depressing post, but it was not my intention as I began to write this to depress anyone, more so to inspire. Do not wait for another tragedy to affect this country to come together, reach out, put someone's needs before your own. Build each other up! Don't tear each other down, and that includes celebrities! It all starts with one spark, and then another, and another, and another until there is a consuming fire of forgiveness, passion, and kindness. Be that spark! Start that fire!

The First of the Lasts

I have decided to write this blog post today because I can cry at home without attracting too much attention. Just kidding! Not really. I have already started, and I'm only 5 sentences in. Tomorrow, September 3, 2013, my youngest, my baby, will begin her senior year in high school. For this household, it will be our last ever first day of school. I cannot believe that I have watched her do this for 13 years already. I can still remember exactly what she was wearing her first day of Kindergarten, a little jeans jumper and a striped purple shirt, and no I didn't have to search through pictures to recall. She had a little bob haircut, a style in later years she told me she disliked greatly. That wouldn't be the last opinion she would share through her school years as she definitely speaks her mind. :) I walked her and her sister down to the bus top and cried just like I am now, and I am sure there will be many tears shed this year as I watch this beautiful young woman experience all the things that have to do with your final year in school knowing it's the last bit of childhood I have to hold onto. If you read this blog at all or if you know me personally, you know that our life has been a struggle. She has grown up without a father as a daily presence in her life as her father and I separated when she was 2. Some would say, "Well that's all she has ever known, so it probably wasn't that bad," and that argument has valid points. How can you miss what you never had? But on the other hand, you don't even have the memories of what it is to be daddy's little girl. Thank God for my father as he took over that role for both of my girls but especially my youngest. They shared lots of time together as we lived with my parents for her preschool years and beyond. Her older sister was already in school so that made for lots of quality time spent with my dad as he was retired and her primary caregiver for most of the day. If you asked her she would say that I have been all she has ever needed, but it's really the other way around. My children were my saviors. I pulled myself up because of them. That little girl in the jeans jumper has lifted my spirits more than she will ever know with her wisdom far beyond her years. Her depth of compassion is staggering! I know that tomorrow will carry with it bittersweet feelings as we experience the first of many lasts this year together. Bitter, well for obvious reasons as I have already gone through three tissues typing this and sweet because I am so proud of the young woman she has become. I know every parent says that about their kid, but for this one, there's something more, something none of us will ever know. Every person she comes in contact with will be touched in some way by her humor, her compassion, her honesty, and it will change them. I know she has changed me, and at the risk of her reading this, and saying, "Mom, that's so cheesy!" I will close with these lyrics: Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
                                                        But because I knew you,
                                                        I have been changed for good.
Go change the world, sweet girl! I love you!