What's at the End of the Tunnel?

 

Wow! Signed in to write a new post and realized I haven't written anything since the end of September. When I started this blog, I told myself that I would not write just for the sake of writing. I would write only if inspired. I am not sure why I have not been "inspired" for 3 months except that the world, in general, is packed with such an overload of information, and I really feel I have been overwhelmed. I have so much to say that my brain just couldn't handle the articulation. I also know that because my main source of sharing my posts is Facebook, and their algorithms pick and choose who sees certain things. Was it even worth it to write if I wasn't reaching anyone? BUT... I could not let 2020 leave without some reflection. Let's face it, this has been a weird year!!! and that is putting it mildly. I began 2020 on an Artistic high. I was closing a show playing a role that I dearly loved and stepping into rehearsals for what has become the most challenging role I have ever played. I started rehearsing Della in The Cake at Richmond Triangle Players. I said through the entire process up until closing night in March that if this was the last role I ever played, I would be happy. Little did I know how true that statement would become. We closed March 7, 2020, and the my world literally SHUT DOWN on March 16, 2020. I was one of the lucky ones. I never lost one cent of pay as I was able to transfer my job from the office to home. I had no idea at the time that I would still be working from home 9+ months later. I did everything we were being told to do. I wore my mask anytime I was in public, which was not often, except for Grocery store trips. I washed my hands and sanitized them until they were raw. I baked and ate A LOT! About 4 months in, I fell apart one weekend. Now, I really see myself as a strong person. I can usually keep it together, but everything that was going on and had been going on was so disheartening to me, I was overcome with emotion, and I lost it. I had to get off Social Media. I could not stand seeing the lack of human empathy day after day after day. I know this may sound shocking, but when I would hear of an older famous person passing away, not related to COVID, a little part of me would think in a way that what a relief that would be for them that they have escaped the madness. Let me stop right here. I have not ever, nor did I then, think about taking my own life, but I was so tired of people not caring about each other. I was tired of seeing the Hate, and the ridiculous denial and selfishness. I just wanted all of that to be over. I still do, but suicide was not in my thoughts, so you don't have to worry about that. Cutting off social media really helped me get through some tough time. Then one Friday in October, I was working from my home office, and I really wasn't feeling very good. I was achy, and tired, and I had a low grade fever. I stopped working early, and got in bed. I continued to check my temperature, and it kept going up until it was over 100. I called for a telehealth visit, and they set up an appointment for me to get tested for COVID the following day just as a precaution. On Saturday morning I felt so much better, and I almost cancelled the appointment. I felt silly. I didn't have COVID. I had been doing everything I was supposed to be doing, but I went. They did a Rapid test, and they said they would call me with my results. I got the call on the way home in the car, and when they told me I was positive, I was SHOCKED! I had to isolate for 14 days. Again, I was lucky, I could work if I felt up to it, but even if I didn't, my employer was extremely generous as they had given us extra sick time if we contracted COVID. I ended up taking 2 days off because of being tired. That was really all I went through physically, and I lost my sense of smell, but my anxiety was through the roof. Every night when I went to sleep I would wonder if the virus would all of a sudden start to fill up my lungs? Would I wake up not being able to breathe? I had read about people who started out just like me, and had ended up being rushed to the ER, and put on a ventilator. The only thing that kept me sane was a friend of mine brought me a pulse oximeter. I must have checked my breathing 10 times a day. The other thing that kept me sane was my youngest daughter, who is also my roommate. She took care of me, cleaned everything, made all the meals, and also made sure I was breathing. I was tested 2 weeks later. I was negative. I still wonder now, though, if I have a little twinge or feel a new different pain if the virus didn't do some hidden damage to my organs that I don't know about. That ordeal ended, and life moved on. Coming into November and Thanksgiving and then Christmas I can't explain it. I have never felt so relaxed and stress free for the holidays. Don't get me wrong. I missed my family. I missed Christmas Eve church service, and I really missed singing the hymns and theater programs, performing or as an audience member, but I had the time this year to actually take my time to enjoy the season. I wasn't rushing around, and I have to say, I liked it! So, if anything, I hope I learned that lesson. I'll go into 2021 smarter, I hope, more considerate of others, a better time manager, and more appreciative of just how lucky I am and always have been. When my daughter says the blessings before meals, she always says, "Help us to be a light." I think that's something we all can do without much difficulty in this year and beyond. I keep hearing, "There's a light at the end of the tunnel." I don't know where you are in your tunnel, but if we all become the light, we can help each other see to make it through.