I Am One of the Parasite Class

 

I have been silent for a while. Partly because I was busy with a show, but also there is so much to write about, where do I start? I have now been off of Facebook for a full month. I can't say I miss it much. I am still on Instagram, and I could slap myself for ever clicking on a Plinko ad. I am not kidding, there is now a Plinko ad every other frame, but that is not what I am writing about today. I have really tried hard not to look at the news for the last month, but I do see some of what's going on in between the Plinko ads. Tonight, I skimmed through some headlines, and I saw that Musk reposted the below meme on "X" with his addition. 

 

Federal Programs? Hmmm. All federal programs, or just the ones you think deserve it? And how could he think that 90% of Americans aren't benefitting in some way from federal programming? And, here's a little insight for people who are dumb enough to think that all of these massive cuts aren't affecting them. Social Security is a federal program, yes, but it's not a hand out from the government. If you have ever worked in your life, there is an amount that is taken out of every paycheck you get for social security. You are paying for that program to help others and so you will have something when you stop working. Of course, most of us cannot even afford to stop working if we were going to receive our "full" benefit. It is not enough to live on, but I digress. I am sure a vast majority of the people who are happy with what is going on right now think that federal programs refers to welfare, as they called it in my younger years or government assistance. You know, the "bums who are too lazy to get a job and live off of the government, the 'parasites'" Well, I was one of those "parasites." I have shared this story before, but for those of you who are new to this blog, at the age of 34, 27 years ago today, I found out that my husband, the love of my life, the sole bread winner (I was a stay-at-home Mom of our 2 children, ages 2 and 5) was having an affair with a co-worker, and my life blew up. I tried my best to change so he would stay with me because I must have done something wrong for him to cheat on me. NOTE: This is what happens in this situation almost always. The party being cheated on believes it is somehow their fault, and the party cheating plays into that and perpetuates it. I hung in there for 4 more months trying my hardest to save my marriage all to come home from a trip away with my children to visit a friend and her family to an empty house with a letter telling me he'd left, and I should get my act together. He didn't just leave us. He left both of his jobs, took the only functioning car, and overdrew the checking account. In the matter of one day, through no fault of my own, I had nothing, less than nothing. I had no job, no money, with overdraft fees piling up because he had taken the full balance of money out of the checking account, no savings and 2 small children to raise. Oh, and lest I forget, when he left his job, we no longer had medical insurance. Think of yourself in that situation. What can you do? How will you live? How will you feed your children? Even if you could get a job, how could you get there? You have no car. If you could get to the job, what do you do with your children? How do you afford daycare? You have no idea where your husband is because he certainly didn't tell you, and even if you found him, he quit both of his jobs, and he has no money to give you. I did the only thing I could. I applied for government assistance and food stamps. Let me tell you, I grew up in a white middle class and later upper middle class home, and I always believed that line that people on welfare are lazy. They don't want to get a job. I was pretty judgy! And here I was using food stamps at the grocery store. I was so embarrassed to use them. I knew everyone was judging me because I had done the exact same thing to others out of ignorance. I found a job within 2 months, not a huge paying job, not even close to the salary my husband had been making, but thanks to the help of family and friends, I was able to work without paying the exorbitant amount it would have cost me to put my children in daycare. When I started the job, my government assistance stopped except for the medical insurance for my children, but I don't know how we would have survived without that assistance for those 2 months. Are there people that play the system? I'm sure there are, but that happens all the time, but those are the few, most are in situations they never thought they would be in. They never thought they would have to rely on the government to support them. They never thought they would have to become a "parasite." In case you don't know the exact definition, here a 2 from Webster's dictionary. The first: an organism living in, on, or with another organism in order to obtain nutrients, grow, or multiply often in a state that directly or indirectly harms the host. 

The second: someone or something that resembles a biological parasite in living off of, being dependent on, or exploiting another while giving little or nothing in return. Notice that the first definition cuts the biological parasite some slack in the highlighted portion, "directly or indirectly," in other words, the biological parasite needs a host to live, and possibly just by living and doing nothing else, they may harm the host. They're not setting out to harm the host, they are simply trying to survive. The second definition of a human parasite gives no leniency, going so far as to use the word, "exploiting," and the phrase "giving little or nothing in return." How very much like that we have become. We show more empathy and understanding to a tick or a tapeworm than a human being. Let me say it louder for those in the back a HUMAN BEING. I was just trying to survive and feed my children, but according to Elon Musk and supposedly 90% of Americans, I was a parasite. Who are we? Who have we become? If you are one of the people who is watching with glee as all these people are losing their jobs, these veterans losing their benefits, people not able to get their medication, just remember, my life changed in 1 day. I went from leading a comfortable life to less than nothing, no home, no car, no job and no money. Be careful, because you might just have to become a parasite to survive.

                                                  

No H8ters!

 

I was born in 1963. A lot of things happened that year. One of the things that is probably remembered most was President John F. Kennedy was shot and killed. He was trying to bring about change in the world, and people didn't like it! He wanted to make equity and civility the norm. Kennedy was a very popular president, but like so many other great leaders, the few haters took them down. Why do I bring this up now? Because I want to talk about hate. When I was 11 years old, I was in a production of Rodgers and Hammerstein's South Pacific. I played the little mixed race Tonkinese girl, Ngana. There is a song in the show called You've Got to  Be Carefully Taught. It is sung by the character, Lt. Joe Cable. He has fallen in love with a non-white girl, and he is upset that he cannot be with her. The lyrics I remember most and that have played through my mind millions of times over these last 50 years are:
"You've got to be taught before it's too late,
Before you are 6 or 7 or 8,
To hate all the people your relatives hate.
You've got to be carefully taught.
South Pacific opened in 1949. After it opened, "the show faced legislative challenges regarding its decency and supposed Communist agenda." When it toured in the south, a bill was introduced in Georgia outlawing entertainment with "an underlying philosophy inspired by Moscow," one legislator said, "that a song justifying interracial marriage was implicitly a threat to the American way of life." Rodgers and Hammerstein countered with the fact that the number represented why they wanted to do this play, and even if it meant not doing the show at all, they would not remove the number. We look back on that happening in 1949 and think, how ridiculous! Is it though? Is it ridiculous? If I had relayed that story and said it was happening with some brand new musical touring in the South right now, not a single person would have questioned it because that is where we are people! We are on the eve of an election that will throw us right back into 1949 and before if the wrong person is elected. This is going to be an all cards on the table post, so, if you're going to be sensitive about things, STOP READING NOW! Back in 2016, we had just had 8 years of a really great president, but he also happened to be black. There were a lot of people who didn't like that. I listened to Michelle Obama's book, Becoming, and I was angry at what they had to endure being said about them and their children simply because of their race. It wasn't about policy they didn't like. It was about HATE. So along comes a candidate to be the Republican ticket who starts to build a campaign on the theme, "Make America Great Again," but what we soon found out was it was a campaign based on hate and getting rid of all the people who had brought America down, the ones who had let all these people in who didn't belong, the ones who believed love is love, you get the picture. No one was shocked more than I was when I woke up on the morning after election day and found out he'd won. Even then I thought, well this is America, we have checks and balances. He'll be kept in check, and then week by week, month by month, year by year, I watched this country fall apart, and each thing that happened was worse than the last, and I thought, "What is happening? How is this ok?" When they finally announced that Joe Biden had won over trump in 2020, I wept. I was so happy and relieved that the nightmare would soon be over, but plenty of damage had been done, not the least of which was the overturning of Roe v. Wade by the judges that trump had put on the Supreme Court that were in his pocket. Millions of people had died from Covid because trump refused to believe it was real and fed the flames that it was a hoax. I could go on and on, but then I saw something happen I never thought I would see in my lifetime. A group of the haters, incited by trump himself, attacked the Capitol and tried to overthrow the American government. Thank God it didn't succeed, but plenty of damage was done, and people died. Then, true to form, when Inauguration day came, instead of taking the loss and transferring power to the rightful  winner of the election, the baby threw a tantrum and was a no show, making it the first time in our country's history that we did not have a peaceful transition of power. I thought Good Riddance! We're finally rid of the cancer in our government, and yet, here we are again, 4 years later, and I am scared to death that he might win again. Truthfully he didn't win the first time, but that's whole different blog post. A convicted felon may be the next president of the United States. How is that possible? Why is he allowed to run? He can't even vote for himself because convicted felons are not allowed to vote in this country. The difference now is, he has amped up the hate, so much so that his rallies have become about targeting all the people he deems un American: Translation: Anyone who isn't Christian and White and Male. Oh, the white ladies will be allowed to stay in his America, but only if they go back to being property of men. He means to dismantle democracy if he wins. He's said it. There won't be any more voting after this time. They're going to fix it so you won't have to vote again. Those are not my words, they're his. Last weekend he held a rally in Madison Square Garden that trash talked anyone who was non-white. It was pretty much a Nazi rally. Yes, I used the "n" word. All these people gathered together to worship their king of hate. This man is vile, I just recently saw a clip of him at another rally where he was making the motions of giving a blow job using the microphone on the podium that was having technical issues, and the people at the rally just laughing. THIS MAN CAN'T BE PRESIDENT AGAIN! I know I can't reach anyone who has already drunk his Kool-Aid, the Klan members who don't wear hoods, but if you are still on the fence, I am begging you, please vote for Harris/Walz tomorrow. We need to get away from all of this celebration of hate. If you're a family man, would you leave your daughter or wife alone with him in a room? If you're a woman, would you want to be alone with him? And all of you people who are supporting him because you want to keep your fist tightly clenching all your money, SHAME ON YOU! I want my daughters and granddaughters to have rights to be able to have control over their own medical care. I want them to be able to marry and love who they want to love without fear of being locked up or worse, killed. I want them to be able to live in a world where they can be who they are without fear! Why are we even debating these issues? I know all of you may not agree with Harris on all of her policies, but at least you have a sane person to debate the issue. With trump, you will have no chance. If he wins tomorrow, that is the end of freedom. He will turn this country into a dictatorship just like his pal Putin. This has to be the end of this movement of hate, PLEASE! VOTE BLUE! 1 day! We are not born hating, we have to be taught. 

Some Place Where There Isn't Any Trouble

 

Tonight I did something that I haven't done for quite some time. I sat down and watched The Wizard of Oz. If you have read this blog, you know everything I am about to say, but bear with me for the newcomers. I adore the movie The Wizard of Oz. Because I am 60 years old, almost 61, I grew up with just 3 major networks on TV and Public Broadcasting. Every year, The Wizard of Oz, was broadcast on television. I never missed a year for as long as I can remember. When movies were released on video, I was glad to have a copy so I could watch it whenever I wanted, but I have to say that took a little bit out of the specialness away for me. SO many times, just like anything else, when something is always there, we take it for granted. When my children were old enough, I introduced it to them, and they watched it over and over as most children do. Ask any present day parent with a young one today how many times they've had to listen to Let it Go, but I digress. I never minded how many times they watched it because it never got old for me and never does. The Wizard of Oz celebrates 85 years since it's release this year. It was released the year my mother was born, 1939. My children are grown now, and I don't have any grandchildren yet, so I can't tell you the last time I sat down to watch it, but tonight I did, and I was strangely emotional about the whole thing. I was by myself, and as the first strains of the overture started, and the title appeared on the screen in sepia tone, I felt that "just on the brink of tears" feeling. No, the overture isn't sad, and, truthfully I don't know why I was reacting the way I was, but I sat and watched. No surprises, I could recite the screenplay by heart and say every line with every actor, and, have done so, at times, to the annoyance of my youngest daughter as her older sister and I have acted out the film before, but tonight I wasn't just watching the film as I've done one hundred times before. I was watching it like I had never seen it before. I got past the rote recitation and really listened to the dialogue and watched the reactions of the actors. The beautiful 16 year old Judy Garland, so young before Hollywood chewed her up and spit her out. The irony of what Dorothy longs for would also become what Judy longed for most of her life, "some place where there isn't any trouble." I started crying as she started singing Over the Rainbow, and I didn't stop until Toto jumped through the window of her bedroom after escaping the evil Miss Gulch. The longing that you hear in Judy's voice is heartbreaking. It made me wonder why I could not also fly with the happy little bluebirds. I also cried when Dorothy tells the Tin Man and the Scarecrow that they are the "best friends anybody ever had." I cried when they are told they can't see the Wizard and to go away, and she tells all her new found friends how bad she feels that her Aunt Em is sick and may be dying, and it's all her fault. I cried when at the thought of the witch drowning her dog, she freely steps up to take the consequences of giving up the ruby slippers, something Glinda has warned that she will be at the mercy of the wicked witch if she does, and she exclaims through sobs of fear, "He got away. He got away." I cried as I watched her, all alone in the witch's castle waiting for her doomed fate, calling out to her Auntie Em that she is frightened. I cried at the gut wrenching disappointment in her eyes as she says to the Wizard, "I don't think there's anything in that black bag for me." And finally when she says her goodbyes to the Tin Man , Lion and Scarecrow, and especially when she whispers to the Scarecrow, "I think I'll miss you most of all," well I have always cried at that point. The point being, I was more emotional watching this film tonight, that I have seen hundreds of times, than I ever have been watching it before. Why? I am still emotional as I type this. Of course, Dorothy's dream of Oz, the place "over the rainbow," isn't trouble free at all, but in her dream she faces her problem instead of running away from it. She doesn't go in her bedroom and cry and wonder what to do. She goes to face a witch that she knows will harm her because she wants to get back to the place that she wanted to leave so badly just "days" before. There are all kinds of cliche phrases that fit this scenario, "Be careful what you wish for," "The grass is always greener," "Out of the frying pan and into the fire." We've all heard these before, and I guess the true lesson is that no place is perfect, and if we spend our lives chasing that perfection or wishing away our life waiting for something better to come along or that we were somewhere there wasn't any trouble, newsflash: that doesn't exist, we will find, as Dorothy did, that home is always where her happiness was. Home was where the people were that loved her, and life would always have problems, but there would be friends to help her solve them and get through. It's not a coincidence that the Scarecrow, Lion and Tin Man are the images of her friends at home. I kept thinking of the phrase, "Some place where there isn't any trouble." This film was released on August 25, 1939. On September 1, 1939, Hitler invaded Poland. I am sure that audiences needed to hear that message then. The world was full of trouble, just like it is today, and just like it always will be, and sometimes it will be far away, and sometimes we will be right in the middle of it, and maybe that's why I was so emotional. Tonight when I sat down to watch I felt like Dorothy does at the beginning. The world seems so troubled right now. I have friends and family who are facing hardships, and health issues, and grieving. This sounds so trivial, but I have 2 cats at home that I love that have all of a sudden become aggressive with each other when they were loving to each other before, and I am at a loss as how to fix it, and I had just broken them up, once again, when I sat down to watch this film. That seems so small, but I really think it was a metaphor of all the things I cannot fix right now that I have no control over, and I just wanted to go to that place "where there isn't any trouble." Dorothy actually says to Toto, "do you suppose their is such a place, Toto?" We know that there isn't, and the place that's supposed to have no trouble has more challenges than anything Dorothy has faced before, but through that she finds Wisdom - the Scarecrow, and Compassion - the Tin Man and Courage - the Lion. She is also told that she always had the power to solve her problem, but she had to learn that for herself. I have seen sketches that make light of that moment in the film where Dorothy is royally pissed at Glinda that she didn't tell her that to begin with, and thinking about that it is funny, and it does make you wonder, but I heard something today as I was listening to The Light We Carry by Michelle Obama. "If you try to keep your children from feeling fear, you're essentially keeping them from feeling competence, too." If we never fall, we don't learn how to get back up. If we never experience pain, we don't really grasp what joy is like, and if we live in a place where there isn't any trouble, we miss the opportunity to gain Wisdom and Compassion and Courage, and maybe that's why I was crying because I can't fix everything, but that's not the way it is supposed to be. The importance is finding the power within to face the challenges that come, and when you can't fix them have the wisdom to recognize it, the compassion to deal with all those around you as you face it, and the courage to stand and face the storm.

The Little Engine That DID!

 

When I was little, I was lucky enough that my Mom read aloud to me. She read me many, many stories, but one story she read has particular significance to this post, The Little Engine That Could. If you don't know the story, the little engine is trying to make it up a hill, and it keeps repeating, "I think I can, I think I can." I can still hear my mom's voice saying those words in the rhythm of a train chugging along. Often times throughout my childhood, if I was discouraged about something, she would say those words to me like the chugging little engine. If you read my last post about 6 weeks ago, you know that I was trying to make a dream become a reality. At times I felt like I just wasn't going to make it, just like the little engine, but people all around me were trusting in that dream and along for the ride, and they were the little voices saying "I think I can. I think I can," and we made it up and over the hill. Last Friday and Saturday, we presented a full musical to the public, and over 300 people came to see it. Family, friends and even strangers who heard about us on the radio (Thanks Wicker & Wilde on Mix 98.1) came out to support live theatre. It was a very successful weekend, but it wasn't because of ticket sales, or radio promos or posters. The success in this production of Chess was because a group of artists including actors, musicians, a choreographer, a sound person, a lighting designer, a photographer, a stage manager and 2 supportive daughters who did everything and anything asked of them from social media, to set construction, to box office, etc.  all came together to create art, and what magnificent art they created! I don't know how it is for other directors, but my cast feels like my children. As with any parental/child relationship, there are challenges, and we had our share, but, for the most part, we worked through them together. I wanted to foster an environment of community, collaboration and trust. I also wanted the space to be safe to feel and explore. I hope that's what we created. In addition I wanted to create a show that would invalidate the talk of, "It's JUST Community Theatre," as if that is somehow less than, that people that are in a Community Theater production aren't talented. I know we blew that assumption out of the water! I also wanted to provide a space for people to perform that find it hard to commit to the rigorous schedule that a professional contract demands because they work a full time job. I am an actor as well, and I don't know how many shows I was not able to audition for because I couldn't do the occasional or sometimes weekly Wednesday matinee, or the student productions in the mornings. 

                                                                                          Photo by Daryll Morgan

Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, that worked on this show did it for FREE. When I first started this I came across the term "passion project," and that's exactly what this was. Everyone had a passion for what they were doing. They wanted to be involved, and the result was beautiful! My choreographer said something at the very beginning of the rehearsal process that stuck with me. She said to the cast that she thought we would all be saying years from now with pride that we were in the very first production of Amaryllis Studios. What encouragement and inspiration that we were doing the right thing! There is no way I will ever be able to put into words the appreciation I have for the group of people that made this dream come true for me. I only hope that in some small way they felt good about helping build that dream.

The Evolution of a Dream

 Hello! Me again. I know it has been a while. I seem to be saying that every time I write a post now. I know I've said this before, but when I started this blog, I told myself that I would only write when I was inspired. That is not the same as saying I ALWAYS write when I'm inspired, because I don't because, well, you know, life and stuff, but today's topic is probably the most inspiration of all the inspiring things in my life to write about, my passion for the theatre. I knew from age 3 that I wanted to perform in some way. As a child growing up in the 60s, I was hugely into TV. I had a little wooden rocking chair that I would sit in right in front of the television. Cartoons were big for me, Bugs Bunny especially. If you have never seen Bugs Bunny, we are no longer friends, just kidding, but stop reading right now, and go search for an episode, in fact, I'll save you the trouble.

Rabbit Of Seville (1950) from Stephen Rae on Vimeo.

.Now, I still, at 60, find this extremely funny, but if you noticed, the entire cartoon is set to the music from the Opera, The Barber of Seville, by Rossini. Of course, what Bugs is singing are not the original lyrics, but the music is the real deal. It was not composed for this cartoon. It was written in the1800s. This cartoon, and there are others that used classical music, gave me my intro to the genre expanding my knowledge of music beyond nursery rhyme songs and popular music. Because I watched so much TV and listened to so many different kinds of music in my house, I would often imitate or act out what I saw, and thus began my love of performing. As I grew older, I still watched cartoons, but I also was a huge fan of the Jackie Gleason Show and the Carol Burnette Show, and more and more I knew that this was what I wanted to do with my life. I sang my first solo in front of people, well, not family, in kindergarten, Away in a Manger, for the Christmas Pageant. Then in 2nd grade, I was the Teeny Weeny Bean in Mr. MacGregor's garden complete with green tights and green bean hat and solo. In 4th grade I changed it up and decided to do a "straight" play (for all you non-theatre people, that means a play without music). I was the Shoemaker's wife in The Shoemaker and the Elves. I don't remember much about the part, but I do remember she was kind of sassy, and I got laughs. I promise I am not going to recount my entire performance resume for the last 50+ years, but just indulge me one more. My drama teacher at St. Catherine's School, Ms. Buis, had directed The Shoemaker and the Elves, and she told me about a local professional theater that was having auditions for The Music Man and needed someone my age and suggested I audition, and that, my fabulous humans, is where I was bit by the bug, and I have never stopped scratching for the last 50 years. I was cast as Amaryllis (that's me in the Big Bow),

and it was one of the coolest things I had ever done, and I loved it, and when it was over, I just wanted to keep doing more and more. That was my dream. That's what I wanted to do with my life, and I did, and they all lived happily ever after, right? WRONG! Far from it. Oh, I'm still connected to the theatre, and I still act, and have done so pretty consistently for the last 50 years, but I don't do it for a living. Very few actors have that luxury, so why am I telling you this story? Theatre has brought a lot of great things into my life. In fact, I would not have my 2 children if it were not for theatre because I met their father doing a show. I went on to act professionally and non-professionally all through school and in my freshman year in High School I did the show Godspell, and I became best friends with the guy playing Jesus. We stayed friends for months, but he wanted more. I did not, but, eventually, after spending almost every free moment together for about a year, something changed, and he became the love of my life, and my dream changed a little. I still wanted to act, but I was more focused on my relationship, and plans for my future with the man I loved. We ended up getting married 6 months after I graduated, and my dream changed. I still wanted to act, but I was more focused on being a good wife, and as my husband was very talented musically, we began to sing together, and then we were in a band, and then 2, and I was mostly singing back-up to him, but we were building that dream together, and theatre kind of took a back seat. My husband was a songwriter, and he was really good, and I really thought the band was making headway, and we were going somewhere. By this time, about 14 years after we were married, we had 2 beautiful daughters (2 and 5). This was my new dream, to have the band we were in become our source of income and to tour with our little family. What could be better, right? Apparently not all people in the little family were on board that ship, and I'm not talking about the 2 & 5 year old. When our band was just on the cusp of actually breaking out, and we were really gaining traction, I found out that the love of my life, my husband of 15+ years, and the father of my children was having an affair. Not only was this devastating to me, but it was especially problematic as he held a part time job as a minister of youth and music at our church, and the band that he was front man for, you know the one we were all in, was a Christian Band. Add to that, that I had made part of my evolved dream being a stay-at-home Mom to our 2 girls with only $100.00/month income as a pre-school music teacher, and that made it impossible for me to leave, and I couldn't tell anybody or he would lose his church job and maybe his main job because he was having an affair with one of his employees. For 5 months I was on an emotional roller coaster trying to be a better wife because why else would he have turned to someone else, right? STOP RIGHT THERE! (insert sound of screeching brakes) If you are reading this, and you are in a marriage or long term relationship, and your partner cheats on you, IT IS NEVER YOUR FAULT!!!!! Say it again, so the people in the back can hear! A partner cheating on you is NOT YOUR FAULT! Was I a perfect wife? No. Did we have issues and arguments? Sure. Should we have been better communicators? Absolutely, but does that justify someone sleeping with another person while they are still sleeping with you, and lying about it, and gaslighting you when you think you know what's going on, and making you feel guilty for even suspecting that? NO! Do I believe people's feelings change in a relationship? I suppose that's possible. Mine didn't which is what made things so hard, and made it that much easier to take the responsibility for all of that. If that does happen, and people fall out of love with their partner, they owe them the respect and decency of saying they want out before they move on. Would that be painful and devastating? Damn right it would, but at least the humiliation and betrayal would not be a part of the equation. Add to all of this that I had to pretend at church and with the band that everything was fine. We were still the golden couple with the 2 adorable children. But, as it is with all secrets, they can't be kept for long. The affair had not ended, and things blew up, and he decided to "make things work" with me. I was elated. I was so glad to have my husband back. We renewed the lease on our townhouse for another year, and three weeks later the girls and I went to the beach with another mom with 2 daughters, and when we came home after 4 days away, he was gone. He left me a letter telling me I needed to get my act together if I was smart, and that I had ruined his ministry. He left his job, (both of them), and we had no idea where he was for almost a month. He took the only car we had that was functional, and every cent in our checking account leaving no money to cover the checks that had been written and sent to pay bills (this was back in 1998, no online bill pay or banking). Luckily, my parents had space for us to move in, and my landlords were great about letting me out of the lease. I had no job to speak of, no money and no car, and a 2 and 5 year old to raise. Well, that blew that dream all to hell, and every other dream with it. At the age of 34, I had to start my adult life completely over. Don't check out yet. If this were a weekly episodic television show, this would be the end of the season cliffhanger. I won't leave you on the ledge, though. New dream: Make sure that I raise strong, independent women that know they are loved. Teach them to be honest with me always, even when it's difficult, and promise to be the same way with them, and make sure they are well provided for. Encourage them and guide them with their dreams and what they want, and to be kind and respectful to other people. I pretty much did that with the help of a whole lot of friends and wonderful support from my family. They are both grown and following dreams of their own. All of that happened almost 26 years ago. I never remarried. I never even had a relationship with anyone else. It just wasn't part of the plan. They were my focus. As we settled into our new life, I slowly got back into the theatre, and began to find that first dream again, although slightly altered. I got some amazing roles through their school years, and they were so supportive of me and still are. My dream had always involved being on stage. I did not want to direct. I just wanted to perform, but as I began to age, there were fewer and fewer opportunities for onstage work, so I thought I'd try directing. I directed a group of high schoolers in a production of Anything Goes, and I loved it. I loved watching a kid realize they were actually good at this acting thing. I adored being able to watch that love that I knew so well bloom in them. I wanted to direct more. Easier said than done. I was not an established director, and few theaters in town were going to take a chance on me. I continued to pick up a few roles here and there, and then, I got the role of a lifetime. I was cast as Della Brady in The Cake at Richmond Triangle Players, and it was the most satisfying, challenging, joyful experience of my career. I knew I would never have another role like this, and I told myself that if I were never cast in anything again, I could be satisfied with that because I had achieved a dream. How little I knew then how prophetic those words would become. The Cake closed in March of 2020, and we all know what happened the end of March. The world shut down. None of us knew if live theatre would ever be a thing again. I think that's when my dream really changed. I knew that if we ever came out of the Pandemic that I wanted theatre to be a part of my life on a daily basis. What I really wanted was to buy some place and start my own theatre. I wanted it to be a place where people could create great things together and realize their true potential and work on something they loved and were passionate about. I know, I know, that's a huge dream, and it would require winning the lottery! I tend to do that. I get an idea, and it just keeps ballooning into something that is impossible right away. I am still getting used to trying to take baby steps. I decided I would start with an acting studio and coach students one-on-one, and thus Amaryllis Studios was born.

Logo designed by Georgi Dysert

I started out with one student, and then I gained another, and I was actually living part of my dream and making a supplemental income doing something I loved. And then 3 1/2 months ago, my youngest daughter and a small group of friends decided we were going to work together to do a show this summer. And guess what? We are! Amaryllis Studios is actually producing a show under the Creative Wing of Vienna Waits Creatives - a whole other post for a different time from a guest blogger, stay tuned. So many friends are helping for no pay because they love the theatre like I do. It's a musical called CHESS, and we have held auditions, and it's cast, and we begin rehearsals next week. This is the dream, folx! It is happening. Is it the one I had at age 10? No, but there's still a part of the little Amaryllis' dream. That's why she's my logo. She planted the seed all those years ago, and life watered it sometimes, and it went unfed sometimes, and then it flourished with different blooms, and now it has evolved into what it was always meant to be. It's not a theater yet, but I know in my heart of hearts that it will be. What is meant for you will never pass you by. I hope that you found value in my story, and that it may have helped you in some way to see the light at the end of the tunnel, or pursue the dream you have. Surround yourself with people that will love that dream into being. It can happen. It has for me, and I know it will for you too. You deserve it! We all do!

If you have been inspired by this story or you want to be a part of this dream, I have launched a Kickstarter called 6 Weeks til Show. This is the summer theatre program that I want to offer every summer to people who want to follow their passion and have a place where they might get that opportunity. I totally get it if you can't contribute, but if not, would you please share to get the word out? I would be so grateful. We all succeed when we lift each other up.

They Died for This?

 I have not written in a while, but today I want to say something. We are approaching the Memorial Day Weekend. First, let me clear up a common misconception. Memorial Day is to honor service men and women who have died. Think about a Memorial service. That is a service to honor the person or persons who have died. This holiday is often confused with Veteran's Day, which is always November 11th, which honors anyone who has served or is serving in the U.S. Armed forces - Army, Navy, Air Force or Marines. I want to talk about Memorial Day specifically. No one in my immediate family has ever served in the armed forces. I have friends who served and a great uncle that I never met, but the impact of losing someone in battle has never happened to me personally. I do know, for lack of a better resource, through movies and television, the horrors of combat. I am specifically thinking of the beginning sequence of Saving Private Ryan brilliantly shot by Steven Spielberg. I have posted the clip before, and I won't post here again, but if you haven't watched it, you need to. This post is not about that day. This post is about the fact that people died fighting for FREEDOM! Not just ours in America, but to liberate other people from oppression. Yes, over the years the question has come up of whether we should be in a war or going to war or stationed in a country to protect others from cruelty and injustice, and the abolishment of their rights as fellow human beings, but regardless of what people thought at home, men and women were dying for FREEDOM. Let me stress that again in case you didn't catch it the first time. DYING for FREEDOM. 

I listened to an audiobook not long ago, The Lilac Girls by Martha Hall Kelly. It takes place during World War II. It is a work of historical fiction. It is told from the point of view of 3 women, all affected in different ways, by the war and the aftermath. They are all connected in some way to Ravensbrück Women's Concentration camp. If you are not familiar with this particular camp, as I was not until listening to this book, it is where medical experiments were done on the women there. I also listened to The Tattooist of Auschwitz by Heather Morris. This was a true story. In both these books, one of the hopes the prisoners hold onto through the terrible torture they are forced to endure each day is that the Americans are close. They will be rescued soon by the Americans. I focus on World War II because I think most people have more than a general knowledge of what we were fighting for, but all service persons who have died no matter what, are important and we owe them a debt of gratitude. Hell, we owe them our lives which brings me to my point. Looking at the state of this country today, what did they die for? And before you come for me with both guns blazing - sadly that phrase is all too literal these days - this is not about the Left or the Right. This is about FREEDOM. Those men and women died so we could be FREE, ALL OF US, NOT JUST WHITE HETEROSEXUAL MEN! I watch the things that are happening in this country on a daily basis, and I can't believe the reports I'm seeing are about THIS country, the United States, and I leave out America, because even that carries a negative connotation these days because of the people that wave the American flag with pride while they're spewing hate. On May 21, 2023, the NAACP issued a travel warning for the state of Florida, following closely after The League of United Latin American Citizens and Equality Florida stating that Florida "has become openly hostile toward African Americans, people of color and L.G.B.T.Q.+ individuals." I'm sorry, WHAT??? I am reading a warning from all 3 of these organizations that if my oldest daughter, who is proudly Pansexual, wants to visit her aunt, who lives in Florida, and by the way does not agree with the state's policies or the hate their Governor is spewing, it could be dangerous for her to do so. This is not what those men and women died for. I am ashamed of the country we have become. My daughter posted a very scary map of states that are already dangerous to live in if you are part of the Trans community, and the ones that in a matter of 2 years could be enacting laws that would pose a danger. Virginia is one of those 2 year states. I live in a state that could possibly pass laws that say it is illegal for people to be who they are!

What is going on? We are better than this! You know what? Maybe we're not. Maybe this is always who we were, and now we've been given the "permission" to show it. I would be embarrassed, no, ashamed, to stand in front of any of those soldiers who died on the beaches of Normandy, or on the battlefields of Korea, or in the jungles of Viet Nam, or in the desert in Afghanistan or on and on and on, and show them this country and what we have become, what we are letting happen. That we have turned the freedom they fought for into hate and outlawing individuals. Really? They died for this?

We Only Know the Middle. He Knows the End

 

I have not written a post for months. Not sure why. I promised myself when I started this blog that I would not write unless inspired. That sounds like a sad commentary on my life for the last nine months. It hasn't been that I haven't been inspired. I guess I just got the feeling that nobody wanted to listen anymore. Well, I felt like someone out there may need to hear this particular thought. We only know the middle. God knows the end. If you have read this blog at all in the last 12 years that I have been writing it, you know that I am a person of faith. I have been through a lot of things in my life that I know I would not have survived without faith. There is something comforting in knowing that someone bigger and smarter and more compassionate than me is in charge. Now, that is not to say that I don't try to run things in my life, because I DO! usually to my detriment. Something happened a couple of weeks ago that has turned our community upside down. A dear, sweet, faithful, young woman, that I know through the theatre community, was lost in a drowning accident. All of the questions and feelings come rushing forth. Why God? Why her? This is not fair! Anger, Confusion, Resentment, Guilt, Powerlessness, Denial, Devastation, Fear. I could go on and on. If you are not familiar with what happened after the accident, the search for her went on for a week. Here is the amazing thing, and this is why I am writing today. Her mother kept us all updated on Facebook every day as to what was going on. People came out in droves to help in the search. People all over the world were sending messages and praying. Her mother is a great person of faith, and that was clear in every post. I was in awe. I have a daughter almost the same age as hers, and I cannot say that I would have been able to do what she did. Now, many of you, at this point, are saying, "What good did your prayers do? She is still gone. The outcome was tragic!" You are right! The outcome was tragic! A beautiful girl has left this world, and we mourn her loss, and the life unlived, but we only know the middle. He knows the end. We, in our humanness, cannot understand why tragedy happens. I don't think God causes tragedy, but I believe He can take any situation and bring good out of it. We will never know how this event affected people, but God knows. We will never know how a mother's faith and testimony moved people to make it through their own crisis or inspired them to continue in this life, but God knows. We will never know if someone turned to God who had turned away because of this community's love for this family, but God knows. If any of those things happened, I know that this sweet girl is rejoicing that it did. Please do not twist my words and think that I am glad this happened. That is not what I am saying at all! What I am saying is that we cannot give up when things seem darkest. We have purpose! We have meaning! whether we are here for 30 years or 100. Live every day knowing that, and do not waste any of it.

THIS is Who We Were

 Saturday marked a very significant anniversary in my life and the life of this country. It marked 20 years since the terrorist attack destroying the Twin Towers in New York City, crashing into the Pentagon in Washington, DC and the thwarted United Flight 93 that was intended for another DC target. My Saturday went on as normal, but Saturday night I sat down to watch an excellent series that National Geographic produced called 9/11: One Day in America. This was a collection of stories told by the survivors of that day. These were the rescuers or the people who were the rescued or amazingly escaped death because of some random thing or place they were in the building right when things were happening. These weren't the stories of the people who were supposed to be there, and for some reason were not that day. These were the people who lived through it. To say the series was intense would be a vast understatement. I cried A LOT watching these people tell their stories. There was also quite a bit of footage I had never seen before. It begins as a normal day. If you recall, it was gorgeous weather that day, not a cloud in the sky. A fire company is called to investigate a gas leak. Someone is documenting the fireman checking the manhole covers in the street. It is business as usual, and then you hear this roar of a jet engine like a fighter pilot is coming through. North Tower of the World Trade Center is in the distance from where they are checking the gas leak, and you see the jet fly right into the building like a rocket. Even after all these years, it absolutely took my breath away when I saw it on the TV screen. I think the fact that it was coming from the perspective of the normal everyday job of a firefighter on the street, expecting nothing, I felt the shock and disbelief with them. It was like watching the day unfold in real time. Many of the stories, even though these people survived, were sad as they talked of their friends, co-workers, strangers even. A battalion chief whose brother was also on the fire department and was dispatched to the South Tower when it was hit. His words were that he watched his brother walk away, and that was the last time he saw him. Firefighters who spoke about how as they began the climb up the 100's of flights to get people out shook each other's hands and shared how they were honored to work with each other because they knew that they may be walking to their death. The mother of one of the men on United Flight 93 who called to talk to his family, knowing that he would not survive this flight and choosing to ruin the terrorist's plans. Story after story of what it was like to go through that day. As I watched Episode after Episode, there are 6, I only made it through 5 until I had to take an emotional break, I kept thinking, - How did these people make it through? How did they handle seeing what they're seeing? I must have said, "I can't imagine!" 50 times. One particularly haunting part was footage of the firefighters at a command post on the bottom floor of the North Tower (the first one hit) they are talking with each other to strategize how to get up to the people who need to be rescued, and you hear a large crash coming from outside. Something has fallen to the ground, and then about 30 seconds later you hear the same sound, and you realize that the sound you hear are bodies hitting the ground as they are jumping from the floors high above realizing their choices are burning alive or falling to the ground stories below. This was a war zone with no time to prepare, no military strategy meetings, no reconnaissance. They just had to act on their gut with a situation that no one had dealt with before. As I watched interview after interview I was moved as over and over again I heard these men and women talk about their "job." They went into those buildings to save people because that is what their job was. Without a thought they did what they had to do. Total strangers stayed with people who were injured. Random people that fate dealt a terrible hand placing them on a plane together that was doomed that day banded together to do what they could to say "not today" to the terrorists on their flight and forced the plane to crash. There was one moment in the series, and it was a piece of footage that had been taken from a reporter on the scene. He is passing a fireman by a firetruck who is taking a small rest after rescue efforts, and you can tell the reporter is trying for a hero angle, and the fireman answers with what almost seems like irritation, "It's my job!" As if to say, I am not a hero, this is what I do. I will try my best to save as many people as I can. This is who I am. Was the series hard to watch? ABSOLUTELY! But there was also hope. Hope that we can be that America again, the America that cares about other people, that puts other's needs before our own. Almost 3000 people died that day, and if they can see the country we have become in the 20 years that have passed, I hope they can forgive us. I pray that we try to become who we were.

The LOVE? Boat

 

I was a child of the 70's. I was also a TV kid. I spent a lot of time in front of that little box of entertainment all through my school years. The Jackie Gleason Show, The Carol Burnette Show, The Dick Van Dyke Show, Laugh-in, Looney Tunes, Mary Tyler Moore, Happy Days, Fantasy Island, and the list goes on and on. In September of 1976 a show premiered called The Love Boat. It was one of the many that came out of the Aaron Spelling creative machine. When it premiered I was about a month away from turning 13. I remember loving that show. I was always in front of the TV on Saturday night to watch that and then Fantasy Island which followed. It ran for 9 years. You can imagine when I saw that it was available to stream on the service Paramount+ I started watching. 

The first season was fairly tame for a show called The Love Boat. Certainly flirting and whirlwind romance, many couples who end up together as they leave the cruise. As I was watching Season 2 more and more of the Episodes had the male crew members, especially Doc (played by Bernie Kopel, a great character actor I have always loved), hit on the attractive passengers as soon as they are checking in. The women, of course are "flattered" by the pick-up lines and often are on the arm of that crew member all through the episode. Gopher (the Assistant Purser played by Fred Grandy) also attempts but his never quite land as he is not considered as suave as Doc. Saturday I was watching the 5th Episode in the second season. The title of one of the vignettes was "Julie's Aunt." The set up was that Captain Stubing's (played by Gavin Macleod) favorite uncle was coming on the cruise, and he was to receive the STAR treatment. The uncle was played by Red Buttons, a movie actor and comedian popular in the late 50's. He immediately "takes a shine" to Julie. At least those are the words they use in the quick synopsis. His taking a shine to her includes this dialogue when they are first introduced the Captain says he wants his Uncle to receive the red carpet treatment to which his Uncle Cyrus replies to Julie, "Will there be enough room on the carpet for both of us?" Julie replies, embarassed, "Mr. Foster!" to which he says, "Uncle Cyrus to you. Welcome to the family, and it's a very loving family!" He then grabs both her hands and pulls her to him to kiss her on the cheek. Later in the episode Julie delivers a fruit basket to Uncle Cyrus' cabin from Capt. Stubing. He asks her to stay and have a piece of fruit with him. She says she really shouldn't. He makes a pleading face, and she says "Alright, for a minute, sure." He asks would she like to see some pictures of his grandchildren. She replies she'd love to, and he says "So would I, but I don't have any," as he is leading her to the couch. He spins her quickly, and she lands on the couch. He kisses her hand. She replies, "You're so gallant." He then starts moving up her arm with the kisses. She has a look of panic on her face and asks what he is doing trying to pull away. 
Julie: Mr. Foster, PLEASE!
Uncle Cyrus: You don't have to beg, it's my pleasure.
(LAUGH TRACK)
Julie: What are you doing?
Uncle Cyrus: In my day, dear, this was known as bussing.
Julie: In my day it's called forced bussing!
(LAUGH TRACK)
He dives for her on the couch. She slips out just in time.
Uncle Cyrus: Cute! I love a woman who combines humor with passion.(he grabs her wrist)
Julie: PASSION?!?(with her free hand she grabs an apple from the fruit basket) Here! Eat an apple.
Uncle Cyrus: Forget the apple, Eve! I'm already tempted. (Julie runs for the door and escapes as he is on her heels as she slams the door.)
(LAUGH TRACK)
Julie tells Doc as he is passing in the hall just after her escape that Uncle Cyrus just made a pass at her and asks him could he believe that. He replies with the advice that she shouldn't put herself down. She's an attractive girl. 
(LAUGH TRACK)

It gets worse!

Julie, Gopher and Doc are in the Lobby. Capt. Stubing comes over to thank them for spending so much time with his Uncle. The camera pulls a shot of Julie looking "uncomfortable."
Gopher: Never seen an old guy with so much pep. He sure is in great shape.
Capt. Stubing: Well, he always took good care of his body.
Doc: (looking toward Julie) Now he's trying to take care of yours.
(Julie scowls)
(LAUGH TRACK)
Unlce Cyrus comes over to the group and makes a few jokes about the ship then invites them all to his cabin for a party.
Capt. Stubing: How about you, Julie, you coming to the party?
She tries to beg off because she has a big day the next day. The Captain says he does too, but he wouldn't miss one of Cy's parties and tells her he will see her at 9 and walks away.
Doc: Come on, Julie, so the old man got a little impulsive this afternoon. He's probably starved for affection.
Julie: Well, I'm not going to be part of his diet.
(LAUGH TRACK)
Gopher: Don't worry! We're all going to be there. If Cyrus Foster as much as puckers his lips, we'll form a circle around you.
Doc: Besides, why hurt an old man's feelings? 
Gopher: Yeah.
Julie: Ok, I'll go.
Doc: That a girl, but go easy on the lip gloss. You don't want to turn the old man on.
(LAUGH TRACK)

No, it gets worse still.

Julie shows up for the "party" Uncle Cyrus opens the door welcoming her. No one else is there. She asks where everyone is, and he says they will be arriving in a minute and asks her to have a drink. She has obviously arrived after nine hoping others would be there. She asks Cyrus if he's sure the others are coming. He responds that they had better be as he just opened a fresh can of peanuts on the night stand. Julie walks over to get a peanut and Cyrus pushes her on the bed and is on top of her.
Julie: What on earth! You're old enough to be my grandfather!
Uncle Cyrus:Forget Sun City! This is Fun City!
(LAUGH TRACK)
He tries to kiss her. She pushes him off and to the floor.
Julie: STOP IT!
She gets up and tries to leave. He grabs her foot and she falls to the floor on all fours, crawling to the door. 
Julie: (Through clenched teeth) Mr. Foster!
Uncle Cyrus: (Not letting go of her foot) You can call me Cyrus.
Julie: (Exasperated) What are you doing?
Uncle Cyrus: I'm proposing.
Julie: Behave yourself and let go of me! (Struggling to free her foot from his grasp)
(LAUGH TRACK)
Uncle Cyrus: I like your spunk, girl. You and I could make beautiful music together.
(LAUGH TRACK)
Julie:(defeated) Get yourself a tape deck.
(LAUGH TRACK)
Uncle Cyrus: (still holding her foot) Oh, Julie, don't play so hard to get. I'm really a nice guy once you get to know me. I grow on people.
Julie: (struggling and crawling, trying to break free) Plant yourself on somebody else! (She breaks free and stands. Heads for the door. He is right behind her. She turns him to the window.) Mr. Foster look out there. What on earth is that couple doing out there?
Uncle Cyrus: (Taking a step toward the window) What couple?
She darts out the door into the hall while he is distracted. He opens the door immediately.
Uncle Cyrus: (to Julie as she is running down the hall) Is it something I said?
(LAUGH TRACK)

Julie then goes to the other crew members who are playing cards together in one of their cabins and yells at them for not being at the party asking how they could leave her "all alone with that old lecher." She finds out that Cyrus called all of them to cancel the party but her insuring they would be alone in his cabin. Julie calls it a sneaky, deceitful, devious trick. 
Gopher:(to Doc) Sounds like your technique, Doc. (The 3 men laugh)
(LAUGH TRACK)
Julie: You guys, it's not funny!
They advise her to talk to the Captain and tell him that his uncle is a "dirty old man who can't keep his hands to himself." She responds with how that would be impossible as the Captain idolizes his uncle, and she'll just try to stay away from Cyrus. She leaves the cabin and Cyrus is in the hall and asks her if she wants to go skinny dipping in the pool. She runs the other way.
(LAUGH TRACK)
She tries to talk to Capt. Stubing. He tells Julie that Uncle Cyrus has taken quite a shine to her and wants to have cocktails and dinner. Julie replies it's more than a shine. Capt. Stubing says he'll take that as a "yes" to the invitation. Uncle Cyrus appears and the Capt. tells him that he has a date with Julie. Cyrus says he will pick her up at her cabin and kisses her hand. Capt. Stubing remarks that Cyrus is always a gentleman. Julie nods uncomfortably. She tells her male crew mates (Gopher, Doc and Isaac (played by Ted Lange) about her dilemma and asks what she should do? 
Isaac: I suggest you wear a beautiful gown, some attractive jewelry, and track shoes! (The 3 men laugh)
(LAUGH TRACK)
Doc finally says that this is no laughing matter and someone should teach Cyrus a lesson. Julie says she wishes her Aunt Phoebe - a vice cop in Milwaukee - was their to teach him a lesson. The four cook up a scheme to have Gopher play Aunt Phoebe and rescue Julie. The evening comes, and of course everything doesn't go as planned and when Julie signals Gopher to save her, he isn't there. Uncle Cyrus chases Julie around the room and finally pins her against the bathroom door kissing her neck until "Aunt Phoebe" finally busts in reading Cyrus the riot act. Cyrus stammers that he can explain. It's just a casual dinner date. Julie tells him the date is off and says she's having dinner with her Aunt. She excuses herself to freshen up. As you may imagine, Cyrus then starts hitting on and advancing on "Aunt Phoebe." He pins "her" against the wall and kisses "her" on the cheek, knocking Gopher's wig off. Cyrus is appalled that he kissed Gopher and threatens to report both Julie and Gopher to the Captain. Gopher tells him to go ahead because he's sure the Captain would love to know what brought this whole situation. Uncle Cyrus then launches into a heartfelt speech (underscored by sappy music) about how he was married to his departed wife for 32 years and never strayed once. He doesn't know why he acts this way. He says that he is very lonely after losing the most important thing in his life, and he asks Julie to forgive him. She says she will, but he needs to change his ways. She agrees to STILL go to dinner if he behaves himself. He promises. As the episode winds down and the crew says Good-bye to the passengers, Uncle Cyrus comes to the crew to say his farewell. Julie tells Uncle Cyrus to take care of himself and calls him a cutie and gives him a peck on the cheek. He asks Julie one last question:
Uncle Cyrus:(pulling Julie away from the group) Have you got a younger sister?
(LAUGH TRACK)

If you're still reading, and I hope you are. I wanted you to see the way this situation was portrayed, for laughs! This episode aired in 1978. I don't remember if I saw this particular episode or not, but I never remember thinking any of these shows were "out of line" or "creepy" This was several scenes of a dirty old man trying to sexually assault a young girl and it's treated as comedy. No wonder women of my generation are afraid to speak up when men act inappropriately. We were raised on television that played those scenarios for laughs, and just in case you didn't think it was funny, they put in a laugh track to tell you it was. This is not the first show of that era that has this exact same take. Women fighting off men's unwanted advances was entertainment. I guess what the real lesson here is that watching it now, I do think it's creepy. It makes me uncomfortable, and I am outraged at the way it's portrayed. We've come a long way, baby!

Somewhere Safe to Fall

 

The last post I put out was fairly bleak. I am not a bleak person, very rarely anyway. After I posted and shared to Facebook, I got no response from my friends. I thought that odd, but it's happened before. I am sure I said something that upset the FB gods, and none of my friends saw it. I decided with everything that is going on right now, I needed to get off of social media. I have a very bad habit of letting that vortex of negative news suck me in, and it was really messing with me. I put out a quick status that said I would be leaving for a while. That status set off an outpouring of love and support. Yes, I logged on promising myself I would do nothing but read notifications from friends. It made me feel so much better. I'm still not back on Social Media, but I felt the collective virtual hug, and it made me think.

 Almost 2 years ago I moved further away from my office. I have about a 25 minute drive everyday. Well, I did before COVID. Now I work from home. At the same time, I was also going to the theater almost every night for rehearsals or performances, and I started to listen to books on tape. I've heard a lot of good ones, and as a little plug, it took me a long time before I would listen to a book on tape, but now, I love them, so give them a try. I listen while I am working at home, but then I was mostly listening on my commutes. Last summer I listened to Big Little Lies, by Liane Moriarty. I listened before I watched the series. I liked the way she wrote, and so I look out for her titles as they become available at the library. I just recently finished Truly, Madly, Guilty, by her. There is a quote in the book that really struck me, and I think it really applies to my current situation, everyone's really. "You can jump so much higher when you have somewhere safe to fall." I have jumped really high in my life. I have gone after almost everything I wanted to do, and most of the time I have been able to achieve my goals, but that isn't all on me. All through my life I have had somewhere safe to fall. I never felt like I would be ridiculed or gotten an "I told you so" if I failed. That somewhere safe was my family, my kids, and my friends. I kept jumping because they were there, that safety net. All of my friends and family were my virtual safety net the other day. I had the courage to jump into that honesty and say what I felt because they were my somewhere safe to fall. It gave me hope, and that's exactly what I needed. Thank you for letting me fall safely. Always know that I am here to be your net as well. Stay safe, and have hope!

What's at the End of the Tunnel?

 

Wow! Signed in to write a new post and realized I haven't written anything since the end of September. When I started this blog, I told myself that I would not write just for the sake of writing. I would write only if inspired. I am not sure why I have not been "inspired" for 3 months except that the world, in general, is packed with such an overload of information, and I really feel I have been overwhelmed. I have so much to say that my brain just couldn't handle the articulation. I also know that because my main source of sharing my posts is Facebook, and their algorithms pick and choose who sees certain things. Was it even worth it to write if I wasn't reaching anyone? BUT... I could not let 2020 leave without some reflection. Let's face it, this has been a weird year!!! and that is putting it mildly. I began 2020 on an Artistic high. I was closing a show playing a role that I dearly loved and stepping into rehearsals for what has become the most challenging role I have ever played. I started rehearsing Della in The Cake at Richmond Triangle Players. I said through the entire process up until closing night in March that if this was the last role I ever played, I would be happy. Little did I know how true that statement would become. We closed March 7, 2020, and the my world literally SHUT DOWN on March 16, 2020. I was one of the lucky ones. I never lost one cent of pay as I was able to transfer my job from the office to home. I had no idea at the time that I would still be working from home 9+ months later. I did everything we were being told to do. I wore my mask anytime I was in public, which was not often, except for Grocery store trips. I washed my hands and sanitized them until they were raw. I baked and ate A LOT! About 4 months in, I fell apart one weekend. Now, I really see myself as a strong person. I can usually keep it together, but everything that was going on and had been going on was so disheartening to me, I was overcome with emotion, and I lost it. I had to get off Social Media. I could not stand seeing the lack of human empathy day after day after day. I know this may sound shocking, but when I would hear of an older famous person passing away, not related to COVID, a little part of me would think in a way that what a relief that would be for them that they have escaped the madness. Let me stop right here. I have not ever, nor did I then, think about taking my own life, but I was so tired of people not caring about each other. I was tired of seeing the Hate, and the ridiculous denial and selfishness. I just wanted all of that to be over. I still do, but suicide was not in my thoughts, so you don't have to worry about that. Cutting off social media really helped me get through some tough time. Then one Friday in October, I was working from my home office, and I really wasn't feeling very good. I was achy, and tired, and I had a low grade fever. I stopped working early, and got in bed. I continued to check my temperature, and it kept going up until it was over 100. I called for a telehealth visit, and they set up an appointment for me to get tested for COVID the following day just as a precaution. On Saturday morning I felt so much better, and I almost cancelled the appointment. I felt silly. I didn't have COVID. I had been doing everything I was supposed to be doing, but I went. They did a Rapid test, and they said they would call me with my results. I got the call on the way home in the car, and when they told me I was positive, I was SHOCKED! I had to isolate for 14 days. Again, I was lucky, I could work if I felt up to it, but even if I didn't, my employer was extremely generous as they had given us extra sick time if we contracted COVID. I ended up taking 2 days off because of being tired. That was really all I went through physically, and I lost my sense of smell, but my anxiety was through the roof. Every night when I went to sleep I would wonder if the virus would all of a sudden start to fill up my lungs? Would I wake up not being able to breathe? I had read about people who started out just like me, and had ended up being rushed to the ER, and put on a ventilator. The only thing that kept me sane was a friend of mine brought me a pulse oximeter. I must have checked my breathing 10 times a day. The other thing that kept me sane was my youngest daughter, who is also my roommate. She took care of me, cleaned everything, made all the meals, and also made sure I was breathing. I was tested 2 weeks later. I was negative. I still wonder now, though, if I have a little twinge or feel a new different pain if the virus didn't do some hidden damage to my organs that I don't know about. That ordeal ended, and life moved on. Coming into November and Thanksgiving and then Christmas I can't explain it. I have never felt so relaxed and stress free for the holidays. Don't get me wrong. I missed my family. I missed Christmas Eve church service, and I really missed singing the hymns and theater programs, performing or as an audience member, but I had the time this year to actually take my time to enjoy the season. I wasn't rushing around, and I have to say, I liked it! So, if anything, I hope I learned that lesson. I'll go into 2021 smarter, I hope, more considerate of others, a better time manager, and more appreciative of just how lucky I am and always have been. When my daughter says the blessings before meals, she always says, "Help us to be a light." I think that's something we all can do without much difficulty in this year and beyond. I keep hearing, "There's a light at the end of the tunnel." I don't know where you are in your tunnel, but if we all become the light, we can help each other see to make it through.

"And the Artsie Goes to....."

Last night the Artsies (Richmond Theater Critics Circle Awards) took place. This is Richmond's answer to the Tony's. It was the 13th year, and it was a little different, as you can imagine, because of COVID-19. The show was pre-recorded and broadcast virtually, but they still kept the winners a secret until they were announced last night. In my 47 year career as an actor here in Richmond, I have been nominated twice, once for Best Supporting Actress in a Musical for Always, Patsy Cline, back in 2012 and this year for Best Actress in a Play for The Cake. The Artsies are always a big deal for us in the Richmond Theatre Community. We all get dressed up in our formal attire and gather in the Beautiful November Theater downtown, and have a huge party while also honoring some of our performers and companies in the process. It is also a fundraiser for the Theatre Artist Fund , an organization who helps actors financially who are in need. I, myself, have been the recipient of their generosity when I had my brain surgery back in 2015. Plug here: if you can donate at the link above, please do. Obviously, RONA, was a party pooper last night and made it that we could not gather as we have done for the past 12 years. I was very excited to be a nominee, and would have loved to have attended the gala as it has always been, and truth be told, I was having a little pity party for myself on Saturday, but I am no different than any other person this year who has had their plans ruined by this pandemic. It has been hard for so many of us, but I think the one thing that has gotten a lot of us through this weird, virtual world we have to adapt to, is the love and support of family and friends. Mine certainly made my evening extremely special! Rather than dress up in our fancy duds to sit in my living room, we all had matching black T-Shirts that said Team Terri - Artsies 2020, blinged up with rhinestones and bowtie (much more comfortable and NO HEELS!) We ate popcorn, and cupcakes and Carrot Cake, c'mon I was nominated for The Cake, I had to make one. That made my sister happy! She has been visiting from Florida, and it was so special to have her here to share this with me. My oldest was in via House Party from New York, and my youngest and her boyfriend were part of the Living Room Crowd. SHOUT OUT to the RTCC here for a wonderful, glitch-free, virtual awards ceremony. Everybody did great, and it clipped right along, something, let's face it, the in-person Artsies doesn't always do. Being in my living room, I didn't think I would be nervous, but, boy was I! When my category finally came around, I was holding my breath. When they announced that I won, I screamed and then I cried, and if I had had to give a speech live, I am not sure what would have come out. Our pre-recorded, in case we won speeches could only be 30 seconds, and it's impossible to say what you feel in that short time. Here is what I wanted to say. Bear with me. And hey, you're not sitting in the crowded theater, and you don't have to listen. Perk of writing this, no one gets to play me off. 

    Last year I got all dressed up and I was sandwiched in the crowd in the lobby, barely able to hear myself think for the roar of the crowd, waiting to go into the theater for the 2019 Artsies. (what I wouldn't give to be in that position right now.) I had just been cast as Della in The Cake at Richmond Triangle Players. We had not even begun rehearsals. Dawn Westbrook, the director of The Cake, walked through the doors into the lobby, and we were face-to-face. She hugged me and because of the noise, she said in my ear, "Next year you're going to be nominated." When you start rehearsals for a show with a director that has that much confidence in you, you can't help but succeed! Thank you to the RTCC for the nomination, and for the award. Thank you to Lucian and Phil at RTP for creating such an encouraging, loving, supportive and safe space to create and tell our stories. Thank you for continuing to tell the stories that need to be told with integrity and love. Thank you Dawn Westbrook for giving me the chance to play Della and pushing me as an actor to realize potential I didn't even know I had. Thank you to Nicole, my sweet Jen, that broke my heart every night when you cut Della out of your life. Thank you to Zakiyyah, my sparring partner. We knew we could make you mean! You were with me right out of the gate, and you set up everything beautifully! To Gordon, my sweet, wonderful Tim. I adore you! You were there making it safe for me in my most difficult moment of the play. You made me a better Della than I dreamed! To Darrin and Nora, our amazing crew, you rocked! Nora, a special shout out to you who when you were told you had to slather buttercream icing (shaving cream) all over my boobs each night, never batted an eye. You stayed calm during that very quick change and kept me that way! To Lauren who kept us organized and in line from day one. Who literally was there for every need down to tissues at rehearsal to wipe our tears. Our design teams created an amazing world to work in and feel like we lived there, thank you! I am so proud of this work, and thrilled to get this award, but as you can see, no one gets there alone! Last, but certainly not least by any means, thank you to Leah and Georgi, my biggest fans and my greatest legacy! Good night!

Check on Your Strong Friends!

Last weekend I was not in a good place. A little background in case you don't know me. I am a strong person. I "keep it together!" I am great in a crisis for that very reason. I may fall apart afterwards when I am alone, and no one else needs me, but in the middle of the chaos, you can count on me. To be sure, I am an emotional person, but when I let myself be. I often say that the reason I get so overcome and cry at movies and television shows, heck, even commercials, is because that is my release. In my real life I am the rock. Now, I think part of this is due to the fact that I have been a single mom since my girls were 2 and 5. They are now 24 and 27. When you are a single parent, you learn to put yourself on the back burner. This is not a complaint, just a statement of fact. If you are a single parent reading this, you know exactly what I mean. There is no one to "take care" of you emotionally or physically. We are the text book definition of "walk it off." I think the period of raising my children alone certainly honed my "keep it together" skills. However, they did not begin with single parenthood. I can remember when my grandfather died in 1993. I was 19, and I was extremely close to him. His death rocked me. I have a thing about not looking at dead bodies of people. I have an extremely visual memory, and I DO NOT want THAT to be the image I hold of my loved one forever. I was married at the time of my grandfather's funeral, but my husband was singing for the service and not with me in the private family room. The time came when the funeral director comes and asks the family if they want one last look before they close the casket. My mother and father filed out, and I cannot remember who else. I stayed behind, and then I heard my mother yelling for my grandfather to get up and sing with her. No one was making her stop or come away, so I walked out trying my best to not look into the casket, and I pulled my mother away and back into the private room, "keeping it together." When my own father passed away many years later in 2007, my children were young, and him being the only "father" with a constant presence in their lives, they were devastated when he died. I was too, but it is "my job" to "keep it together." I sat in between the two of them trying my best to comfort them. I'm not saying I didn't shed tears, but I kept it together. I am telling these stories to illustrate the fact that I don't usually fall apart, not when it counts, not when I am needed. Last weekend, I sat in my house, alone, and ugly cried for about 30 minutes. I mean wailing! The last time I remember doing that was last July when my sweet kitty of 18 years died. Even then I could not give myself time to grieve because I had to "pull myself together" as it was my first day with my summer teen theatre group. Why am I sharing all of this? Because we are in the middle of the craziest, most depressing time in my 56 almost 57 year old life. Theatre, one of my passions, is cancelled for the foreseeable future. I have not seen my 81 year old mother, who lives in a skilled nursing facility, since March 9 and have no idea when I will see her again, and even when I will be able to visit, how safe it will be. My sister moved to Florida permanently at the beginning of June, and I miss her, and I am concerned about the lack of following rules for the Pandemic, especially in her state, and the absolute disregard for human life in this country, whether it be something so small as refusing to wear a mask to protect others or as huge as the rampant racist police brutality so prevalent in America and the blatant show of hate to anyone different than ourselves. My heart is broken, and I fell apart! So, during this time, take care of yourself. Let yourself grieve and mourn the loss of life the way you knew it, but especially, check on your "strong" friends. They may need it more than you think.

RIP Rhoda Morgenstern

I grew up in the 1960's and 70's. To say I was a TV kid would be an understatement. I can remember always watching cartoons on Saturday mornings sitting right up on the television set, ignoring the warnings from my grandmother that I was going to "ruin my eyes." I didn't, by the way. Cartoons were not my only fare. Color TV was introduced in 1965. I was 2. I remember sitting in the living room to get dressed for school so I could watch Sesame Street and Mr. Rogers. My mom even let me eat in there most mornings. I watched The Jackie Gleason Show – I can still hear my grandmother (I spent most weekends with my grandparents) yelling from the back door that Jackie Gleason was on, and I would stop whatever outside play I was engaged in and plant myself in front of the set. I watched the Carol Burnette Show every week, and all of the yearly events. There were no VCR’s or DVD or Blu Ray players back then. You could not watch anything any time you wished. I would wait in anticipation of the yearly broadcast of Rodgers and Hammerstein’s Cinderella starring Lesley Ann Warren or Rankin and Bass’ clay animated Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer, the Peanut’s Charlie Brown Christmas at the Holidays and my pièce de résistance, The Wizard of Oz. I never missed it! In fact, I was extremely up set in my senior year of high school that I had to compete in a forensics competition and would miss the yearly broadcast. In short, I love television! I still do! Television has changed over the years. You can now watch anything, anytime, or almost anytime you want. We are in the age of streaming. We can be anywhere and watch TV if we have a phone or now, a watch. As with any improvements, there comes cost. When I was propped up in front of my TV set as a child, it was free. In my tweens something came along called cable television, and you had to pay a monthly fee. The free channels were still there, but cable gave you many more channels to watch. My family got on the Cable train, and I continued that as I moved out on my own until about 2 years ago. We cut the cable chord, and we are streaming only with digital services and Wi-Fi and have a digital antenna to still get those FREE channels. This has its benefits, no commercials, and we do something now called binge watching. When we moved into our present home I decided to start binge watching the TV shows I loved as a child. The short ½ hour comedies. I wanted to watch from start to finish. I chose That Girl first. I then moved on to The Dick Van Dyke show, and then Mary Tyler Moore. These shows were so rich with the characterizations of the cast members. Their mission was originally to bring us into their lives each week and follow their journey, feeling like we were part of their family, their world, and we did. We cared about those characters. When I started watching Mary Tyler Moore, I had forgotten how much I loved Rhoda. Rhoda was Mary’s best friend who lived in the very tiny 1 room apartment upstairs from Mary or “M­ar” as she called her. Rhoda didn’t even have a closet or a kitchen, but she did have those cool beads that hung at the entrance to her apartment, and it was painted a deep pink. Valerie Harper played Rhoda Morgenstern. She was the queen of sarcastic humor and so witty. She was quick with a comeback, and her timing was impeccable! You could always count on Rhoda to tell it like it was, something I identify greatly with. As a kid, I always thought Rhoda was cool with her wild clothes and neat apartment, but re-watching the show as an adult, I just love her!! She was my favorite. She left the show to do a spin-off, something the networks did in those days. If a character was popular enough, they gave them their own show. Rhoda moved back to New York, and I didn’t enjoy the Mary Tyler Moore show as much after that. It was still good, I just really felt Rhoda’s absence. Valerie Harper passed away this week, after a long battle with cancer. She was 80. It’s hard to watch the icons of your childhood pass on. It means that I am getting older, but it also means more and more of my childhood is leaving me. I am so glad I can see my old friend any time I want. Rest in Peace, Rhoda Morgenstern.