THIS is Who We Were

 Saturday marked a very significant anniversary in my life and the life of this country. It marked 20 years since the terrorist attack destroying the Twin Towers in New York City, crashing into the Pentagon in Washington, DC and the thwarted United Flight 93 that was intended for another DC target. My Saturday went on as normal, but Saturday night I sat down to watch an excellent series that National Geographic produced called 9/11: One Day in America. This was a collection of stories told by the survivors of that day. These were the rescuers or the people who were the rescued or amazingly escaped death because of some random thing or place they were in the building right when things were happening. These weren't the stories of the people who were supposed to be there, and for some reason were not that day. These were the people who lived through it. To say the series was intense would be a vast understatement. I cried A LOT watching these people tell their stories. There was also quite a bit of footage I had never seen before. It begins as a normal day. If you recall, it was gorgeous weather that day, not a cloud in the sky. A fire company is called to investigate a gas leak. Someone is documenting the fireman checking the manhole covers in the street. It is business as usual, and then you hear this roar of a jet engine like a fighter pilot is coming through. North Tower of the World Trade Center is in the distance from where they are checking the gas leak, and you see the jet fly right into the building like a rocket. Even after all these years, it absolutely took my breath away when I saw it on the TV screen. I think the fact that it was coming from the perspective of the normal everyday job of a firefighter on the street, expecting nothing, I felt the shock and disbelief with them. It was like watching the day unfold in real time. Many of the stories, even though these people survived, were sad as they talked of their friends, co-workers, strangers even. A battalion chief whose brother was also on the fire department and was dispatched to the South Tower when it was hit. His words were that he watched his brother walk away, and that was the last time he saw him. Firefighters who spoke about how as they began the climb up the 100's of flights to get people out shook each other's hands and shared how they were honored to work with each other because they knew that they may be walking to their death. The mother of one of the men on United Flight 93 who called to talk to his family, knowing that he would not survive this flight and choosing to ruin the terrorist's plans. Story after story of what it was like to go through that day. As I watched Episode after Episode, there are 6, I only made it through 5 until I had to take an emotional break, I kept thinking, - How did these people make it through? How did they handle seeing what they're seeing? I must have said, "I can't imagine!" 50 times. One particularly haunting part was footage of the firefighters at a command post on the bottom floor of the North Tower (the first one hit) they are talking with each other to strategize how to get up to the people who need to be rescued, and you hear a large crash coming from outside. Something has fallen to the ground, and then about 30 seconds later you hear the same sound, and you realize that the sound you hear are bodies hitting the ground as they are jumping from the floors high above realizing their choices are burning alive or falling to the ground stories below. This was a war zone with no time to prepare, no military strategy meetings, no reconnaissance. They just had to act on their gut with a situation that no one had dealt with before. As I watched interview after interview I was moved as over and over again I heard these men and women talk about their "job." They went into those buildings to save people because that is what their job was. Without a thought they did what they had to do. Total strangers stayed with people who were injured. Random people that fate dealt a terrible hand placing them on a plane together that was doomed that day banded together to do what they could to say "not today" to the terrorists on their flight and forced the plane to crash. There was one moment in the series, and it was a piece of footage that had been taken from a reporter on the scene. He is passing a fireman by a firetruck who is taking a small rest after rescue efforts, and you can tell the reporter is trying for a hero angle, and the fireman answers with what almost seems like irritation, "It's my job!" As if to say, I am not a hero, this is what I do. I will try my best to save as many people as I can. This is who I am. Was the series hard to watch? ABSOLUTELY! But there was also hope. Hope that we can be that America again, the America that cares about other people, that puts other's needs before our own. Almost 3000 people died that day, and if they can see the country we have become in the 20 years that have passed, I hope they can forgive us. I pray that we try to become who we were.

The LOVE? Boat

 

I was a child of the 70's. I was also a TV kid. I spent a lot of time in front of that little box of entertainment all through my school years. The Jackie Gleason Show, The Carol Burnette Show, The Dick Van Dyke Show, Laugh-in, Looney Tunes, Mary Tyler Moore, Happy Days, Fantasy Island, and the list goes on and on. In September of 1976 a show premiered called The Love Boat. It was one of the many that came out of the Aaron Spelling creative machine. When it premiered I was about a month away from turning 13. I remember loving that show. I was always in front of the TV on Saturday night to watch that and then Fantasy Island which followed. It ran for 9 years. You can imagine when I saw that it was available to stream on the service Paramount+ I started watching. 

The first season was fairly tame for a show called The Love Boat. Certainly flirting and whirlwind romance, many couples who end up together as they leave the cruise. As I was watching Season 2 more and more of the Episodes had the male crew members, especially Doc (played by Bernie Kopel, a great character actor I have always loved), hit on the attractive passengers as soon as they are checking in. The women, of course are "flattered" by the pick-up lines and often are on the arm of that crew member all through the episode. Gopher (the Assistant Purser played by Fred Grandy) also attempts but his never quite land as he is not considered as suave as Doc. Saturday I was watching the 5th Episode in the second season. The title of one of the vignettes was "Julie's Aunt." The set up was that Captain Stubing's (played by Gavin Macleod) favorite uncle was coming on the cruise, and he was to receive the STAR treatment. The uncle was played by Red Buttons, a movie actor and comedian popular in the late 50's. He immediately "takes a shine" to Julie. At least those are the words they use in the quick synopsis. His taking a shine to her includes this dialogue when they are first introduced the Captain says he wants his Uncle to receive the red carpet treatment to which his Uncle Cyrus replies to Julie, "Will there be enough room on the carpet for both of us?" Julie replies, embarassed, "Mr. Foster!" to which he says, "Uncle Cyrus to you. Welcome to the family, and it's a very loving family!" He then grabs both her hands and pulls her to him to kiss her on the cheek. Later in the episode Julie delivers a fruit basket to Uncle Cyrus' cabin from Capt. Stubing. He asks her to stay and have a piece of fruit with him. She says she really shouldn't. He makes a pleading face, and she says "Alright, for a minute, sure." He asks would she like to see some pictures of his grandchildren. She replies she'd love to, and he says "So would I, but I don't have any," as he is leading her to the couch. He spins her quickly, and she lands on the couch. He kisses her hand. She replies, "You're so gallant." He then starts moving up her arm with the kisses. She has a look of panic on her face and asks what he is doing trying to pull away. 
Julie: Mr. Foster, PLEASE!
Uncle Cyrus: You don't have to beg, it's my pleasure.
(LAUGH TRACK)
Julie: What are you doing?
Uncle Cyrus: In my day, dear, this was known as bussing.
Julie: In my day it's called forced bussing!
(LAUGH TRACK)
He dives for her on the couch. She slips out just in time.
Uncle Cyrus: Cute! I love a woman who combines humor with passion.(he grabs her wrist)
Julie: PASSION?!?(with her free hand she grabs an apple from the fruit basket) Here! Eat an apple.
Uncle Cyrus: Forget the apple, Eve! I'm already tempted. (Julie runs for the door and escapes as he is on her heels as she slams the door.)
(LAUGH TRACK)
Julie tells Doc as he is passing in the hall just after her escape that Uncle Cyrus just made a pass at her and asks him could he believe that. He replies with the advice that she shouldn't put herself down. She's an attractive girl. 
(LAUGH TRACK)

It gets worse!

Julie, Gopher and Doc are in the Lobby. Capt. Stubing comes over to thank them for spending so much time with his Uncle. The camera pulls a shot of Julie looking "uncomfortable."
Gopher: Never seen an old guy with so much pep. He sure is in great shape.
Capt. Stubing: Well, he always took good care of his body.
Doc: (looking toward Julie) Now he's trying to take care of yours.
(Julie scowls)
(LAUGH TRACK)
Unlce Cyrus comes over to the group and makes a few jokes about the ship then invites them all to his cabin for a party.
Capt. Stubing: How about you, Julie, you coming to the party?
She tries to beg off because she has a big day the next day. The Captain says he does too, but he wouldn't miss one of Cy's parties and tells her he will see her at 9 and walks away.
Doc: Come on, Julie, so the old man got a little impulsive this afternoon. He's probably starved for affection.
Julie: Well, I'm not going to be part of his diet.
(LAUGH TRACK)
Gopher: Don't worry! We're all going to be there. If Cyrus Foster as much as puckers his lips, we'll form a circle around you.
Doc: Besides, why hurt an old man's feelings? 
Gopher: Yeah.
Julie: Ok, I'll go.
Doc: That a girl, but go easy on the lip gloss. You don't want to turn the old man on.
(LAUGH TRACK)

No, it gets worse still.

Julie shows up for the "party" Uncle Cyrus opens the door welcoming her. No one else is there. She asks where everyone is, and he says they will be arriving in a minute and asks her to have a drink. She has obviously arrived after nine hoping others would be there. She asks Cyrus if he's sure the others are coming. He responds that they had better be as he just opened a fresh can of peanuts on the night stand. Julie walks over to get a peanut and Cyrus pushes her on the bed and is on top of her.
Julie: What on earth! You're old enough to be my grandfather!
Uncle Cyrus:Forget Sun City! This is Fun City!
(LAUGH TRACK)
He tries to kiss her. She pushes him off and to the floor.
Julie: STOP IT!
She gets up and tries to leave. He grabs her foot and she falls to the floor on all fours, crawling to the door. 
Julie: (Through clenched teeth) Mr. Foster!
Uncle Cyrus: (Not letting go of her foot) You can call me Cyrus.
Julie: (Exasperated) What are you doing?
Uncle Cyrus: I'm proposing.
Julie: Behave yourself and let go of me! (Struggling to free her foot from his grasp)
(LAUGH TRACK)
Uncle Cyrus: I like your spunk, girl. You and I could make beautiful music together.
(LAUGH TRACK)
Julie:(defeated) Get yourself a tape deck.
(LAUGH TRACK)
Uncle Cyrus: (still holding her foot) Oh, Julie, don't play so hard to get. I'm really a nice guy once you get to know me. I grow on people.
Julie: (struggling and crawling, trying to break free) Plant yourself on somebody else! (She breaks free and stands. Heads for the door. He is right behind her. She turns him to the window.) Mr. Foster look out there. What on earth is that couple doing out there?
Uncle Cyrus: (Taking a step toward the window) What couple?
She darts out the door into the hall while he is distracted. He opens the door immediately.
Uncle Cyrus: (to Julie as she is running down the hall) Is it something I said?
(LAUGH TRACK)

Julie then goes to the other crew members who are playing cards together in one of their cabins and yells at them for not being at the party asking how they could leave her "all alone with that old lecher." She finds out that Cyrus called all of them to cancel the party but her insuring they would be alone in his cabin. Julie calls it a sneaky, deceitful, devious trick. 
Gopher:(to Doc) Sounds like your technique, Doc. (The 3 men laugh)
(LAUGH TRACK)
Julie: You guys, it's not funny!
They advise her to talk to the Captain and tell him that his uncle is a "dirty old man who can't keep his hands to himself." She responds with how that would be impossible as the Captain idolizes his uncle, and she'll just try to stay away from Cyrus. She leaves the cabin and Cyrus is in the hall and asks her if she wants to go skinny dipping in the pool. She runs the other way.
(LAUGH TRACK)
She tries to talk to Capt. Stubing. He tells Julie that Uncle Cyrus has taken quite a shine to her and wants to have cocktails and dinner. Julie replies it's more than a shine. Capt. Stubing says he'll take that as a "yes" to the invitation. Uncle Cyrus appears and the Capt. tells him that he has a date with Julie. Cyrus says he will pick her up at her cabin and kisses her hand. Capt. Stubing remarks that Cyrus is always a gentleman. Julie nods uncomfortably. She tells her male crew mates (Gopher, Doc and Isaac (played by Ted Lange) about her dilemma and asks what she should do? 
Isaac: I suggest you wear a beautiful gown, some attractive jewelry, and track shoes! (The 3 men laugh)
(LAUGH TRACK)
Doc finally says that this is no laughing matter and someone should teach Cyrus a lesson. Julie says she wishes her Aunt Phoebe - a vice cop in Milwaukee - was their to teach him a lesson. The four cook up a scheme to have Gopher play Aunt Phoebe and rescue Julie. The evening comes, and of course everything doesn't go as planned and when Julie signals Gopher to save her, he isn't there. Uncle Cyrus chases Julie around the room and finally pins her against the bathroom door kissing her neck until "Aunt Phoebe" finally busts in reading Cyrus the riot act. Cyrus stammers that he can explain. It's just a casual dinner date. Julie tells him the date is off and says she's having dinner with her Aunt. She excuses herself to freshen up. As you may imagine, Cyrus then starts hitting on and advancing on "Aunt Phoebe." He pins "her" against the wall and kisses "her" on the cheek, knocking Gopher's wig off. Cyrus is appalled that he kissed Gopher and threatens to report both Julie and Gopher to the Captain. Gopher tells him to go ahead because he's sure the Captain would love to know what brought this whole situation. Uncle Cyrus then launches into a heartfelt speech (underscored by sappy music) about how he was married to his departed wife for 32 years and never strayed once. He doesn't know why he acts this way. He says that he is very lonely after losing the most important thing in his life, and he asks Julie to forgive him. She says she will, but he needs to change his ways. She agrees to STILL go to dinner if he behaves himself. He promises. As the episode winds down and the crew says Good-bye to the passengers, Uncle Cyrus comes to the crew to say his farewell. Julie tells Uncle Cyrus to take care of himself and calls him a cutie and gives him a peck on the cheek. He asks Julie one last question:
Uncle Cyrus:(pulling Julie away from the group) Have you got a younger sister?
(LAUGH TRACK)

If you're still reading, and I hope you are. I wanted you to see the way this situation was portrayed, for laughs! This episode aired in 1978. I don't remember if I saw this particular episode or not, but I never remember thinking any of these shows were "out of line" or "creepy" This was several scenes of a dirty old man trying to sexually assault a young girl and it's treated as comedy. No wonder women of my generation are afraid to speak up when men act inappropriately. We were raised on television that played those scenarios for laughs, and just in case you didn't think it was funny, they put in a laugh track to tell you it was. This is not the first show of that era that has this exact same take. Women fighting off men's unwanted advances was entertainment. I guess what the real lesson here is that watching it now, I do think it's creepy. It makes me uncomfortable, and I am outraged at the way it's portrayed. We've come a long way, baby!

Somewhere Safe to Fall

 

The last post I put out was fairly bleak. I am not a bleak person, very rarely anyway. After I posted and shared to Facebook, I got no response from my friends. I thought that odd, but it's happened before. I am sure I said something that upset the FB gods, and none of my friends saw it. I decided with everything that is going on right now, I needed to get off of social media. I have a very bad habit of letting that vortex of negative news suck me in, and it was really messing with me. I put out a quick status that said I would be leaving for a while. That status set off an outpouring of love and support. Yes, I logged on promising myself I would do nothing but read notifications from friends. It made me feel so much better. I'm still not back on Social Media, but I felt the collective virtual hug, and it made me think.

 Almost 2 years ago I moved further away from my office. I have about a 25 minute drive everyday. Well, I did before COVID. Now I work from home. At the same time, I was also going to the theater almost every night for rehearsals or performances, and I started to listen to books on tape. I've heard a lot of good ones, and as a little plug, it took me a long time before I would listen to a book on tape, but now, I love them, so give them a try. I listen while I am working at home, but then I was mostly listening on my commutes. Last summer I listened to Big Little Lies, by Liane Moriarty. I listened before I watched the series. I liked the way she wrote, and so I look out for her titles as they become available at the library. I just recently finished Truly, Madly, Guilty, by her. There is a quote in the book that really struck me, and I think it really applies to my current situation, everyone's really. "You can jump so much higher when you have somewhere safe to fall." I have jumped really high in my life. I have gone after almost everything I wanted to do, and most of the time I have been able to achieve my goals, but that isn't all on me. All through my life I have had somewhere safe to fall. I never felt like I would be ridiculed or gotten an "I told you so" if I failed. That somewhere safe was my family, my kids, and my friends. I kept jumping because they were there, that safety net. All of my friends and family were my virtual safety net the other day. I had the courage to jump into that honesty and say what I felt because they were my somewhere safe to fall. It gave me hope, and that's exactly what I needed. Thank you for letting me fall safely. Always know that I am here to be your net as well. Stay safe, and have hope!

Someplace Where There Isn't Any Trouble...

 At the start of one of my all time favorite movies, The Wizard of Oz, Dorothy is running away from Miss Gulch's house with her precious dog, Toto. Toto has gotten into trouble for being in Miss Gulch's garden and biting her leg. Dorothy tries to get sympathy and understanding from everybody back on the farm, Aunt Em, Uncle Henry, the farmhands Hunk, Hickory and Zeke, but all are too busy. Finally, Aunt Em tells her, shooing her away, to find a place where there isn't any trouble. Of course what follows is the famous, Somewhere Over the Rainbow, as Dorothy contemplates just where a place like that could be.

Now, if you've seen the movie, you know that Dorothy does travel "over the rainbow" but finds out where she really wanted to be all along was home. She tells Glinda the lesson she's learned, " it's that if I ever go looking for my heart's desire again, I won't look any further than my own backyard; because if it isn't there, I never really lost it to begin with." I want to focus on those three words, my own backyard. My home has pretty much always been a wonderful place to be for me. I had parents and grandparents who loved me. I was fed and taken care of and encouraged and supported and even spoiled. Even as an adult when things weren't so great I never felt like I wasn't safe and happy at home. Last night I lay awake staring into the darkness telling God all the things I wanted to live to see: For my daughters to both be happy, to see my girls get married if that's what they choose, and my grandchildren if they are so inclined and we are blessed with that. I didn't sit there listing those things because I'm sick or I have some terminal illness. For the very first time in my life, I can say that I am truly scared. I was not even this scared when 9/11 happened. I was concerned, sad, shocked, but I wasn't as scared as I am now. I've had brain surgery twice, I was in a major car accident when I was young, and I've had Corona this past year. I was anxious about all of those things, but now I'm scared because my own backyard has become a powder keg. I know this may sound really weird, but when all those other things happened I had a strange calm. I knew I would be ok no matter what. I'm not so sure anymore. I was actually searching for places to live in Canada the other night. This is what scares me. There is no way to reason with the people that stormed the capitol. They were intent on doing harm. They were really, really angry. They were the text book definition of an angry mob. One guy even had the cliche pitchfork. They don't want to sit down and talk. They want a bloody battle, and I am afraid that they will stop at nothing to make sure they get it. So here I am laying it all out. This is me NOT putting on a brave face, and that is not my role. I am the one who holds it together, but right now, like Dorothy, I'm wishing I could be somewhere over the rainbow. Stay safe my friends and be careful.

What's at the End of the Tunnel?

 

Wow! Signed in to write a new post and realized I haven't written anything since the end of September. When I started this blog, I told myself that I would not write just for the sake of writing. I would write only if inspired. I am not sure why I have not been "inspired" for 3 months except that the world, in general, is packed with such an overload of information, and I really feel I have been overwhelmed. I have so much to say that my brain just couldn't handle the articulation. I also know that because my main source of sharing my posts is Facebook, and their algorithms pick and choose who sees certain things. Was it even worth it to write if I wasn't reaching anyone? BUT... I could not let 2020 leave without some reflection. Let's face it, this has been a weird year!!! and that is putting it mildly. I began 2020 on an Artistic high. I was closing a show playing a role that I dearly loved and stepping into rehearsals for what has become the most challenging role I have ever played. I started rehearsing Della in The Cake at Richmond Triangle Players. I said through the entire process up until closing night in March that if this was the last role I ever played, I would be happy. Little did I know how true that statement would become. We closed March 7, 2020, and the my world literally SHUT DOWN on March 16, 2020. I was one of the lucky ones. I never lost one cent of pay as I was able to transfer my job from the office to home. I had no idea at the time that I would still be working from home 9+ months later. I did everything we were being told to do. I wore my mask anytime I was in public, which was not often, except for Grocery store trips. I washed my hands and sanitized them until they were raw. I baked and ate A LOT! About 4 months in, I fell apart one weekend. Now, I really see myself as a strong person. I can usually keep it together, but everything that was going on and had been going on was so disheartening to me, I was overcome with emotion, and I lost it. I had to get off Social Media. I could not stand seeing the lack of human empathy day after day after day. I know this may sound shocking, but when I would hear of an older famous person passing away, not related to COVID, a little part of me would think in a way that what a relief that would be for them that they have escaped the madness. Let me stop right here. I have not ever, nor did I then, think about taking my own life, but I was so tired of people not caring about each other. I was tired of seeing the Hate, and the ridiculous denial and selfishness. I just wanted all of that to be over. I still do, but suicide was not in my thoughts, so you don't have to worry about that. Cutting off social media really helped me get through some tough time. Then one Friday in October, I was working from my home office, and I really wasn't feeling very good. I was achy, and tired, and I had a low grade fever. I stopped working early, and got in bed. I continued to check my temperature, and it kept going up until it was over 100. I called for a telehealth visit, and they set up an appointment for me to get tested for COVID the following day just as a precaution. On Saturday morning I felt so much better, and I almost cancelled the appointment. I felt silly. I didn't have COVID. I had been doing everything I was supposed to be doing, but I went. They did a Rapid test, and they said they would call me with my results. I got the call on the way home in the car, and when they told me I was positive, I was SHOCKED! I had to isolate for 14 days. Again, I was lucky, I could work if I felt up to it, but even if I didn't, my employer was extremely generous as they had given us extra sick time if we contracted COVID. I ended up taking 2 days off because of being tired. That was really all I went through physically, and I lost my sense of smell, but my anxiety was through the roof. Every night when I went to sleep I would wonder if the virus would all of a sudden start to fill up my lungs? Would I wake up not being able to breathe? I had read about people who started out just like me, and had ended up being rushed to the ER, and put on a ventilator. The only thing that kept me sane was a friend of mine brought me a pulse oximeter. I must have checked my breathing 10 times a day. The other thing that kept me sane was my youngest daughter, who is also my roommate. She took care of me, cleaned everything, made all the meals, and also made sure I was breathing. I was tested 2 weeks later. I was negative. I still wonder now, though, if I have a little twinge or feel a new different pain if the virus didn't do some hidden damage to my organs that I don't know about. That ordeal ended, and life moved on. Coming into November and Thanksgiving and then Christmas I can't explain it. I have never felt so relaxed and stress free for the holidays. Don't get me wrong. I missed my family. I missed Christmas Eve church service, and I really missed singing the hymns and theater programs, performing or as an audience member, but I had the time this year to actually take my time to enjoy the season. I wasn't rushing around, and I have to say, I liked it! So, if anything, I hope I learned that lesson. I'll go into 2021 smarter, I hope, more considerate of others, a better time manager, and more appreciative of just how lucky I am and always have been. When my daughter says the blessings before meals, she always says, "Help us to be a light." I think that's something we all can do without much difficulty in this year and beyond. I keep hearing, "There's a light at the end of the tunnel." I don't know where you are in your tunnel, but if we all become the light, we can help each other see to make it through.