Some Days Are Hard

Anyone who knows me or reads this blog with any regularity knows that I am an actor. I relish in being on stage and performing. I have been blessed to have been able to work pretty consistently since I started over 40 years ago, and in this past year I have stayed busier than usual. Right now I am doing a Christmas show, and I am very thankful because singing those Christmas songs for audiences night after night is helping fund a nicer Christmas for me and my girls. All is well, right? Wrong! When you are in a family of performers, as all 3 of us are, sometimes things conflict. Today was one of those days. It is very hard to be an actor and a mom. Ever since I became a single parent when my girls were 2 and 5, I have tried to be at every event in their lives. Every field day, school play, awards assemblies, winter and spring programs and chorus concerts. Most of the time I have made it. I can think of one other thing I missed, my oldest daughter's dance recital, but I did see the dress rehearsal. I missed that because of performing too. Today I missed my baby's final high school Christmas chorus concert because I was on stage myself 45 minutes away. She, of course, was very understanding and knows it was unavoidable, but it still didn't make it any easier for me that I missed my girl as she sang at her final Christmas concert. I will see a DVD, but it's not quite the same thing. I was not there to yell as she finished and clap louder than any other person. So today I write this to tell her how much I love her and I know that she rocked today! And to let her know how very grateful I am that she is so supportive
of my life in the theatre. I love you sweet girl! Thanks, as always, for understanding!

Where Are You, Christmas?

I was listening to the radio the other day and heard one of my new favorite Christmas songs by Faith Hill. It's called Where Are You, Christmas?, and it was written for the soundtrack of the 2000 film,  How the Grinch Stole Christmas, Ron Howard's spin on the classic tale by Dr. Seuss. Unlike the book, much of the film centers around Cindy Lou Who and her quest for what Christmas is all about. The song is sung by her character in the film. The first lyrics are: Where are you, Christmas?
               Why can't I find you?
               Why have you gone away?
               Where is the laughter you used to bring me?
               Why can't I hear music play?
I must confess that I have felt much like Cindy Lou Who this year. You would think that given the fact that I am performing in a "Christmas" show that I would be more in the Christmas spirit than any other year, but I'm just not. Somewhere along the way, I lost the wonder and excitement. Maybe part of it is the fact that every day, almost every moment is filled with something I have to do instead of something I want to do. I am usually the first to jump on the Christmas band wagon. Day after Thanksgiving my tree is up and decorated. My flag is out front. My wreath is on the door. Not this year! My tree is up and the lights on, but that is it, and it's sitting in the midst of my messy house. Now, to cut myself a little slack, we ran out of time to decorate before my oldest daughter had to be back at college after the Thanksgiving break, and so we have held off to do it as a family, but Christmas is creeping closer and closer. We have 14 days before the big day. If I decorated it tonight it would only be up for two weeks before it all was over. When did decorating for Christmas become a chore? Time was when I couldn't wait to decorate the tree! Where are you, Christmas? Why do I jam my life so full of going here and having to be there that I have no time to just enjoy what I used to love? Why can't I find you? I was watching a little Christmas movie last night, and it took place in a small, quaint little town. That's what I want! I want to live in the movies. I want to live in Bedford Falls or Stars Hollow, but I don't, so what do I do?
Today a company called Westjet propelled me, no pun intended, out of my funk and into what Christmas is all about, the spirit of giving. Watch the video below.

What an amazing thing this company did to bring joy to these families! Where are you, Christmas? Westjet knows. They found you and brought you to others, and that's what I need to remember! Thank you for reminding me that it's not about me! The joy of Christmas is found in the giving of myself to others.
                                                     

Age is Just a Number, Right?

Today is Halloween, but it is also something else for me, and this year, it is a milestone! I was born on October, 31, 1963, at 1:20 in the afternoon. My mother swears that the reason she went into labor is because she had spent the entire previous day walking the sidewalks of Willow Lawn Shopping Center searching for just the right shoes to go with my older sister's Halloween costume. It was later discovered that my sister just wanted to ride the little mini coin operated Merry-Go-Rounds in front of the shoe stores, but I digress. I guess I have my sister to thank for the fact that I am born on Halloween, which I have to say is a pretty cool birthday to have! All of my birthday parties growing up were costume parties, and that turns out to be a pretty neat thing when your passion in life is acting and theatre! Everybody celebrates your day, and you get FREE candy. As a kid, what can be better than that? But this post isn't about Halloween or costumes or candy. Today this post is about turning 50! That's right, folks, I have lived half a century! Wow, when you put it that way, it sounds really ominous! But I am in pretty good company of people who have also turned the 40's corner this year, Brad Pitt, Lisa Kudrow, Mike Meyers, Benjamin Bratt, Vanessa Williams, Helen Hunt, John Stamos, Gail O'Grady, Eric McCormack, Michael Jordan and Kathy Ireland to name just a few celebrities. I've never really been obsessed with age. That could have something to do with my genes. My grandmother never looked her age, and nor does my mother at age 74. My grandmother also lived to be 96, so I'm certainly not at death's door at 50. I won't lie, this is a BIG one for me, not because I feel old, or, I'll say it, I don't think I act or look old, it's because of the perception of 50 and above. I am now, officially a Senior Citizen, and that's a whole different group than people in their Forties. I probably wouldn't be focusing on that as much if I were not single. I feel like it will become more difficult to find a companion now. I mentioned this scenario to my sister, and, ever the optimist, she said that maybe it would now become easier! So...let's go with that. This is also not a post about finding a man, but if you have any extras laying around, throw them my way! <Cue rim shot!> Thank you, ladies and germs, I'll be here all week! Tip your waiters and waitresses! 
50 Years! What have I done in 50 years? Well, pretty darn much! I've been a professional actor, defining that as being paid to act upon the stage, since I was 10 years old, and have been pretty lucky to have worked pretty consistently all of my adult life! That's not too shabby when you live and breathe on the stage! I had the incredible opportunity to co-star in an independent feature film, and win an award for my performance. I have been nominated for my work on the stage, and I have won awards in drama and speech. All of this has happened pretty much without ever leaving "my own backyard" so to speak. Pretty lucky, if you ask me. But before this starts to sound like a brag sheet, let me focus on the intangible, the things that mean the most to me, good and bad. I have experienced the deepest love imaginable, and felt profound loss. I have laughed until I cried, and cried until I felt I couldn't cry anymore. I have been thrown into a fire of despair but forged that much stronger because of it. I have two amazing daughters, and, yes, I know every parent says that, but in this case, it's true. They truly are my best friends, and I am lucky enough that they consider me the same, a rare, rare thing these days. I had two parents who believed in my dreams even when I didn't, and always encouraged me to go after them, and even though our childhood relationship wasn't the best for lots of reasons, I have a sister who loves me and my kids, and is there when I need her always. Don't even get me started on how blessed I am in the friend department! Would I like to have more money? Sure! Would I like to be able to give my girls all the things they NEED, not want? Absolutely! But all things considered, these 50 years have been a wonderful ride, and I can't wait to see what the next 50 bring!

Who Was That Masked Man?

Wow! It's been a really long time since I've posted! Part of the reason for that is I was involved in a production of "To Kill a Mockingbird" that just closed. It was a wonderful experience as the story has always been one of my favorites. I've seen the movie several times, but doing the stage production really made me explore some different sides to issues raised in the story. One question that came up particularly interested me. Each Friday night after the show we would have a talkback. For those who don't know or have never participated in one, a talkback is a time set aside after the show for the cast to answer questions from the audience. Because of the legal nature of the show, many times our moderator was someone from the world of law. Our moderator on this specific evening was a judge from juvenile court. SPOILER ALERT!! She posed the question that with Atticus Finch having so much legal integrity, why was he willing to participate in a cover-up in regards to the death of Bob Ewell? If you've never seen or read the story, Bob Ewell, the town pariah and general despicable human being, and a white man, has accused a black man, falsely, of raping his daughter in order to keep the real truth from coming out that she hugged and kissed  this man after inviting him into their home under the pretense of helping her with a chore. Atticus is appointed to defend the Negro, and even though he knows he is fighting a losing battle, the truth comes out in court. In retaliation Ewell goes after the Finch children one night with intent to harm them and very likely kill them. The town recluse and resident "crazy", Boo Radley, comes on the scene and stabs Bob Ewell with a kitchen knife and kills him. Upon the sheriff discovering the body, he tells Atticus that, "Bob Ewell fell on his knife." As sheriff, it is his decision how to handle the situation. Atticus doesn't challenge the sheriff, and the story ends with no one knowing the act of Boo Radley and he is left to live out his reclusive days in peace. So... did Boo Radley murder Bob Ewell? Was it a cover-up? Read the book or see the movie or play and draw your own conclusions, but my feeling is NO! In my opinion Boo was more a hero or guardian angel for the Finch children that night. If he had not shown up when he did, most certainly Bob Ewell would have killed them.  If you've ever seen any of the old Lone Ranger TV shows, he always rode in on his horse, Silver, saved the day, and then disappeared into the dust of the West without praise or adulation, leaving all to question, "Who was that masked man?" Boo Radley was Maycomb County's Lone Ranger for one night when he was needed the most and then never to be seen or heard from again. "High Ho, Silver and away, Boo!"

21: Today it means more than Blackjack!

Today is a huge day in my little family of three's life. Today, my oldest daughter, my firstborn turns 21. Yes, I know legally she has been an adult since age 18, but there was still some uncharted territory that she could not enter into legally, mainly consuming alcohol. Now, this is not going to be a post about the evils of demon rum, and I know that nothing was keeping her from imbibing before this day if she had wanted to at one of her college parties, but now that last little barrier is down, and LEGALLY, she can do anything she wants. She's not a kid anymore, and where the hell have 21 years gone? In my house, we are BIG Gilmore Girls fans! There is a character on the show, Lane Kim, the best friend of Rory Gilmore. Lane's mother is extremely strict! No rock music, no make-up, no dancing...you get the picture. Lane is a rebel, and lives a double life hiding contraband under the floorboards in her room, employing all kinds of schemes to date a boy she thinks will not gain her mother's approval until finally her secret life is revealed, and she moves out to live her life the way she wants. However when she finally ends up in a serious relationship and things are progressing the way most relationships do, she announces to her boyfriend, much to his shock and disappointment, that they have to be married. Later on she meets her mother on the street, and angrily she says to her, "You're in my head!" My little girl isn't a little girl anymore. She's away at college living her own life, and I am not there with that watchful eye to say, "No you can't do that!" or "As long as you're under my roof..." All I can hope is that "I'm in her head," and when she is faced with decisions big or small, she will think of all the conversations we've had, and the arguments and the advice I've given, yes, even sometimes unsolicited, and she will make the right choices. She will always be my little girl, but my role has changed. The raising part is done. She is on her own in the world. Ironic that we, as parents, spend all of our lives preparing them for this moment, and when it comes, all we want to do is hold on. Happy Birthday, sweet girl! I love you enough to let you go!

Everybody Gets a Trophy!

Recently I took time off work to attend what I thought was a school ceremony, at least I had the picture in my mind of what ceremonies were like when I was in high school. The function I attended was about as far from ceremony as you could get. My daughter was being inducted into an honor society. Coincidentally it was the same one I was inducted into in my high school days. When I was inducted or "tapped" as they called it then, it was a HUGE deal. It was coveted by those who didn't achieve it, and something to feel proud and honored by if it was achieved. The entire school attended the tapping ceremony, and the student who was being tapped had no idea until a fellow student, usually someone they had a bond with in the organization would come up behind the student and place their hands on their shoulders. You would then join the others to wait until all were tapped, and then you held a candle and took the pledge of the organization you had just been tapped into. Later, you and your parents, who had secretly been informed so they could attend to see this special moment in your high school career, were guests at a reception held in honor of all the inductees. It was an event that meant something, and being tapped into the organization meant not only academic scholarship, but leadership and character as well. You didn't just have to achieve a certain grade point average, and BOOM, you were in. I know this because I achieved the grade point average required in my Junior year, but I was not tapped until my senior year, something I was gravely disappointed about. What I attended last week could be likened to a cattle call audition. If you don't know what that is, anyone and everyone shows up for an audition and you are shuffled through as fast as humanly possible. The "ceremony", and I use the term loosely, lasted 20 minutes, TOPS! Very few parents were in attendance, only the students being inducted were there. No other part of the student body witnessed, as they had in my day, the induction. Some brief opening remarks were made by the sponsor. The officers were introduced. They read the definitions of the attributes required with about as much enthusiasm as if they were reading the phonebook. The president had all the students stand,  raise their right hand and repeat the pledge, and then all of the students names were read  so fast it made my head spin, as they crossed the stage to receive their pin. Closing remarks were briefly made by one of the school officials, and then we were released to the reception. Before you get excited and think the drive-thru ceremony was salvaged by the reception, let me describe it to you. A table was set up pushed against the wall in the commons area, and it was impossible to get to as the 3rd wave of the student body was also eating lunch at the time. There was cake and punch, and because of the crowd, it took my daughter a good 5 minutes just to get a cup of punch, which she then took back to her lunch table to eat with her friends. I gave her a hug, told her I was proud of her and left. My entire drive to work, I got more and more upset and disillusioned. There was nothing special about what I had just attended. No student felt honored or set apart. Truthfully, for all the decorum and pomp the ceremony possessed, someone could have called all the students into the auditorium, and threw the pins from a basket to the crowd much like someone throws candy from a float to the spectators watching a parade. I discussed things with my daughter later, and she told me that to get in, all you had to do was achieve the grade point average required, and pay your dues, and you were in. We actually knew about this at the end of last year. She brought a form letter home in her backpack that said she had been invited to participate, and when her dues needed to be paid to be in the organization. She didn't regard it as an honor, or something to be revered, or anything special. Why? because no one treated it as such. Why has it become taboo to set individuals apart? To make someone feel special? At the end of last year, my daughter received an honor in her choir that was voted on by her peers. As a proud parent, I posted on Facebook the honor she received only to receive a comment that felt it was not right to set an individual apart as "the best" Why? If they are the best at what they do, why not tell them? Why not give students an example to follow, a goal to strive for? Wouldn't that make them work harder, achieve more? I read an editorial several months ago that was written by a father. His son was young and had played in a basketball league. For lack of a better way to put it, he was terrible! At the end of the season a banquet was held. The son was given a trophy for participating. As the father and son walked to their car after the banquet was over, the son asked the father what the trophy was for. The father answered that it was for participation to which the son replied, "That's stupid." When they arrived home, he threw the trophy into the closet, and it was never seen again. Pretty smart kid, if you ask me. In an effort to make everyone feel "special" we have made no one feel special. Rather than positive results from sending the message that everybody wins, we have created apathy, and instilled a lack of drive and ambition. We have indeed told America's youth that to succeed in life, all you have to do is show up. Nothing could be farther from the truth, and we have done them a disservice by leaving them completely unprepared for rejection and failure. If you're even close to my age, 50 in a few short weeks, raise your hand if you've never experienced rejection or failure. I'm relatively sure NONE of you can make that claim. What ever happened to learning from our mistakes, trying that much harder when we lose, because the next time we want to win, looking at someone who is the best, and setting our sites to be just like him or her? I read a quote today in an article, and it sums it up best, "When EVERYONE gets a trophy, no one wins!"

Lost Connection

It's been 12 years. Sitting in my office this morning and reading Facebook posts about 9/11, I was trying to think of what kind of post to write. I didn't want to repeat myself, so I searched my own blog for previous posts I had written on the subject. I started to just share a previous post I had written in 2010 because I thought it pretty much summed up the way I feel, but just as I was about to hit the share button on Facebook, I stopped, not because the feelings I wrote about then don't still ring true for me, they do, but the picture I paint of America in that post isn't quite the same. My status update today asks the question, "Where were you?" But digging deeper, how did you feel then, and how do you feel now? 12 years ago, technologically, we were in a very different world. We listened to those reports of the attacks on a radio, or watched a TV set if we happened to be near one. If we were separated from our loved ones, we could not physically see them unless we drove to where they were. Yes, cell phones existed, but you could not call someone and see their face and talk to them on the phone. You could not shoot off a quick text of "You ok?" in between classes or coming out of a meeting at work. Today, we can communicate with each other instantly, and even if you couldn't get a call through, everyone would tweet or post, "I'm ok. Sending out prayers and love to all who have lost someone."  and the world would know just what was going on in our life at that moment. But for all of our advances in connectivity since September 11, 2001, we seem to have lost our connection. As is often the case when a tragedy of that magnitude strikes, everyone is united by their grief, their shock, their anger, their pain. We all come together. Together. I have to say, sadly, if someone asked me, today,  to name a word that describes America, together would not spring to mind. In fact, it may not be on the list at all. A friend shared something his mother used to say to him when he and his sister were getting along well, describing themselves as "Buddies to the end." To which his mother would reply, "And the end's not far away." I liken America to that. 12 years ago, we all stepped up. We thought of others before ourselves. We worked together for what was best for all. Now, we have become a people divided, caring only about being right and never admitting when we're wrong. Together isn't even in our vocabulary. It's my way or no way! Now, this seems like a pretty depressing post, but it was not my intention as I began to write this to depress anyone, more so to inspire. Do not wait for another tragedy to affect this country to come together, reach out, put someone's needs before your own. Build each other up! Don't tear each other down, and that includes celebrities! It all starts with one spark, and then another, and another, and another until there is a consuming fire of forgiveness, passion, and kindness. Be that spark! Start that fire!