A very good friend of mine told me that the best writing is when the author is totally honest. If there is such a phrase, I am radically honest. I always tell people, “If you don’t want to hear the truth, DON’T ASK ME!” This will be one of those posts, so….if you are uncomfortable with the truth, STOP HERE!
One of my favorite movies is Frank Capra’s “It’s a Wonderful Life.” If you’ve never seen it, you must see it at least once in your lifetime. The story, briefly, centers around one man, George Bailey, who, through circumstances beyond his control finds himself at the end of his rope. He decides the best thing to do is end his life by jumping from a bridge into the icy water. Rather than ending his own life, he ends up saving what he later finds to be an angel trying to earn his wings named Clarence. Clarence grants George’s wish that he’d never been born. As he sees how life would be without him and how his loved ones are affected he realizes he really had a wonderful life. Near the end of the film Clarence says the following line to George, “Strange, isn't it? Each man's life touches so many other lives. When he isn't around he leaves an awful hole, doesn't he?”Right now, my family is dealing with the aftermath of an awful hole that someone has left. Yesterday, my daughter found out that one of her very dear friends lost their mother. She committed suicide. I don’t know the circumstances surrounding this event. I am not claiming to know anything about what happened, nor do I intend to start a debate in this post about suicide. What I do want to discuss is that famous line by Clarence the angel, “Each man’s life touches so many other lives.” When I decided to become a parent, my life changed. It changed because it was no longer my life. I started living every minute, taking every breath, making every decision for that small little life that I had brought into this world. It was longer about me. It was about them. Children are not our possessions. They are on loan to us. When you think about it, it is an awesome responsibility! Another human being will forever be connected to me. Everything I choose to do will in some way have an effect on my child. I realize that we all make mistakes, that no one is perfect, but when one makes a conscious, and, yes, I will say it, selfish choice without any consideration of how it will affect their child it fills me with so much anger. Because of the choice this mother made to take her own life, she made the choice to leave, permanently. This child will grow up without a mother, they will not have their mother there to cheer them when they are handed their high school and college diplomas. When they marry, there will be an empty place in the family photo, and when they have children of their own they will never be able to say, “This is your Grandma.” This child will survive, but from this point on, they will live with that “awful hole” that Clarence spoke about. Every event in their lives will have that shadow of “I wish my mom could have been here to see this.” That choice that was made was like a pebble thrown in the water, and unfortunately, the ripples will be felt for many, many years by so many people, friends, co-workers, parents, but the child is who I feel for most. Perhaps that is because my child is hurting for her friend, ripple, and I am hurting for her, ripple. When will they ever end?
You are so right about depression and suicide being a self-centered choice and for me having a child was a total life changing event that trumped any kind of chemical imbalance. Depression does run in families and so I know about it from both personal and family experience. I feel so much for you, your daughter, and especially your daughter's ... See Morefriend. I am praying for your peace of mind.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what kind of issues this woman had, but I do know from my own painful experience that it is extremely difficult to get mental health treatment in Virginia for someone who has lost touch with reality. We tried to have our son hospitalized (he was paranoid, angry, confused, and no longer believed we we were his parents). We were at the point that we felt unsafe for ourselves and our daughter and a community health worker told us that he didn't seem homicidal or suicidal to her, so we couldn't have him committed. When I expressed our concerns about feeling unsafe, she asked, "Does he have access to guns?"
There is a reason that Virginia Tech happened in Virginia. Start a ripple now and read about the preventable tragedies that are happening every day in your communities. Then contact your Virginia congressperson or senator. What if that one phone call or letter is the one that spurs someone to action and the tiny ripple of choosing to act saves another daughter or son or mother or friend from experiencing the pain of suicide or homicide.
http://www.treatmentadvocacycenter.org/
This is such a horrible legacy for all those impacted by her death. Her children will have a huge sense of loss and as they experience successive losses, this loss will be magnified. For instance, when my dog, Randolph Scott died, the loss of Alan (my late husband) was almost unbearable. Losses have a way of compounding themselves. My heart aches for those left behind. As my mother has often remarked, "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem."
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