Some Place Where There Isn't Any Trouble

 

Tonight I did something that I haven't done for quite some time. I sat down and watched The Wizard of Oz. If you have read this blog, you know everything I am about to say, but bear with me for the newcomers. I adore the movie The Wizard of Oz. Because I am 60 years old, almost 61, I grew up with just 3 major networks on TV and Public Broadcasting. Every year, The Wizard of Oz, was broadcast on television. I never missed a year for as long as I can remember. When movies were released on video, I was glad to have a copy so I could watch it whenever I wanted, but I have to say that took a little bit out of the specialness away for me. SO many times, just like anything else, when something is always there, we take it for granted. When my children were old enough, I introduced it to them, and they watched it over and over as most children do. Ask any present day parent with a young one today how many times they've had to listen to Let it Go, but I digress. I never minded how many times they watched it because it never got old for me and never does. The Wizard of Oz celebrates 85 years since it's release this year. It was released the year my mother was born, 1939. My children are grown now, and I don't have any grandchildren yet, so I can't tell you the last time I sat down to watch it, but tonight I did, and I was strangely emotional about the whole thing. I was by myself, and as the first strains of the overture started, and the title appeared on the screen in sepia tone, I felt that "just on the brink of tears" feeling. No, the overture isn't sad, and, truthfully I don't know why I was reacting the way I was, but I sat and watched. No surprises, I could recite the screenplay by heart and say every line with every actor, and, have done so, at times, to the annoyance of my youngest daughter as her older sister and I have acted out the film before, but tonight I wasn't just watching the film as I've done one hundred times before. I was watching it like I had never seen it before. I got past the rote recitation and really listened to the dialogue and watched the reactions of the actors. The beautiful 16 year old Judy Garland, so young before Hollywood chewed her up and spit her out. The irony of what Dorothy longs for would also become what Judy longed for most of her life, "some place where there isn't any trouble." I started crying as she started singing Over the Rainbow, and I didn't stop until Toto jumped through the window of her bedroom after escaping the evil Miss Gulch. The longing that you hear in Judy's voice is heartbreaking. It made me wonder why I could not also fly with the happy little bluebirds. I also cried when Dorothy tells the Tin Man and the Scarecrow that they are the "best friends anybody ever had." I cried when they are told they can't see the Wizard and to go away, and she tells all her new found friends how bad she feels that her Aunt Em is sick and may be dying, and it's all her fault. I cried when at the thought of the witch drowning her dog, she freely steps up to take the consequences of giving up the ruby slippers, something Glinda has warned that she will be at the mercy of the wicked witch if she does, and she exclaims through sobs of fear, "He got away. He got away." I cried as I watched her, all alone in the witch's castle waiting for her doomed fate, calling out to her Auntie Em that she is frightened. I cried at the gut wrenching disappointment in her eyes as she says to the Wizard, "I don't think there's anything in that black bag for me." And finally when she says her goodbyes to the Tin Man , Lion and Scarecrow, and especially when she whispers to the Scarecrow, "I think I'll miss you most of all," well I have always cried at that point. The point being, I was more emotional watching this film tonight, that I have seen hundreds of times, than I ever have been watching it before. Why? I am still emotional as I type this. Of course, Dorothy's dream of Oz, the place "over the rainbow," isn't trouble free at all, but in her dream she faces her problem instead of running away from it. She doesn't go in her bedroom and cry and wonder what to do. She goes to face a witch that she knows will harm her because she wants to get back to the place that she wanted to leave so badly just "days" before. There are all kinds of cliche phrases that fit this scenario, "Be careful what you wish for," "The grass is always greener," "Out of the frying pan and into the fire." We've all heard these before, and I guess the true lesson is that no place is perfect, and if we spend our lives chasing that perfection or wishing away our life waiting for something better to come along or that we were somewhere there wasn't any trouble, newsflash: that doesn't exist, we will find, as Dorothy did, that home is always where her happiness was. Home was where the people were that loved her, and life would always have problems, but there would be friends to help her solve them and get through. It's not a coincidence that the Scarecrow, Lion and Tin Man are the images of her friends at home. I kept thinking of the phrase, "Some place where there isn't any trouble." This film was released on August 25, 1939. On September 1, 1939, Hitler invaded Poland. I am sure that audiences needed to hear that message then. The world was full of trouble, just like it is today, and just like it always will be, and sometimes it will be far away, and sometimes we will be right in the middle of it, and maybe that's why I was so emotional. Tonight when I sat down to watch I felt like Dorothy does at the beginning. The world seems so troubled right now. I have friends and family who are facing hardships, and health issues, and grieving. This sounds so trivial, but I have 2 cats at home that I love that have all of a sudden become aggressive with each other when they were loving to each other before, and I am at a loss as how to fix it, and I had just broken them up, once again, when I sat down to watch this film. That seems so small, but I really think it was a metaphor of all the things I cannot fix right now that I have no control over, and I just wanted to go to that place "where there isn't any trouble." Dorothy actually says to Toto, "do you suppose their is such a place, Toto?" We know that there isn't, and the place that's supposed to have no trouble has more challenges than anything Dorothy has faced before, but through that she finds Wisdom - the Scarecrow, and Compassion - the Tin Man and Courage - the Lion. She is also told that she always had the power to solve her problem, but she had to learn that for herself. I have seen sketches that make light of that moment in the film where Dorothy is royally pissed at Glinda that she didn't tell her that to begin with, and thinking about that it is funny, and it does make you wonder, but I heard something today as I was listening to The Light We Carry by Michelle Obama. "If you try to keep your children from feeling fear, you're essentially keeping them from feeling competence, too." If we never fall, we don't learn how to get back up. If we never experience pain, we don't really grasp what joy is like, and if we live in a place where there isn't any trouble, we miss the opportunity to gain Wisdom and Compassion and Courage, and maybe that's why I was crying because I can't fix everything, but that's not the way it is supposed to be. The importance is finding the power within to face the challenges that come, and when you can't fix them have the wisdom to recognize it, the compassion to deal with all those around you as you face it, and the courage to stand and face the storm.

The Little Engine That DID!

 

When I was little, I was lucky enough that my Mom read aloud to me. She read me many, many stories, but one story she read has particular significance to this post, The Little Engine That Could. If you don't know the story, the little engine is trying to make it up a hill, and it keeps repeating, "I think I can, I think I can." I can still hear my mom's voice saying those words in the rhythm of a train chugging along. Often times throughout my childhood, if I was discouraged about something, she would say those words to me like the chugging little engine. If you read my last post about 6 weeks ago, you know that I was trying to make a dream become a reality. At times I felt like I just wasn't going to make it, just like the little engine, but people all around me were trusting in that dream and along for the ride, and they were the little voices saying "I think I can. I think I can," and we made it up and over the hill. Last Friday and Saturday, we presented a full musical to the public, and over 300 people came to see it. Family, friends and even strangers who heard about us on the radio (Thanks Wicker & Wilde on Mix 98.1) came out to support live theatre. It was a very successful weekend, but it wasn't because of ticket sales, or radio promos or posters. The success in this production of Chess was because a group of artists including actors, musicians, a choreographer, a sound person, a lighting designer, a photographer, a stage manager and 2 supportive daughters who did everything and anything asked of them from social media, to set construction, to box office, etc.  all came together to create art, and what magnificent art they created! I don't know how it is for other directors, but my cast feels like my children. As with any parental/child relationship, there are challenges, and we had our share, but, for the most part, we worked through them together. I wanted to foster an environment of community, collaboration and trust. I also wanted the space to be safe to feel and explore. I hope that's what we created. In addition I wanted to create a show that would invalidate the talk of, "It's JUST Community Theatre," as if that is somehow less than, that people that are in a Community Theater production aren't talented. I know we blew that assumption out of the water! I also wanted to provide a space for people to perform that find it hard to commit to the rigorous schedule that a professional contract demands because they work a full time job. I am an actor as well, and I don't know how many shows I was not able to audition for because I couldn't do the occasional or sometimes weekly Wednesday matinee, or the student productions in the mornings. 

                                                                                          Photo by Daryll Morgan

Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, that worked on this show did it for FREE. When I first started this I came across the term "passion project," and that's exactly what this was. Everyone had a passion for what they were doing. They wanted to be involved, and the result was beautiful! My choreographer said something at the very beginning of the rehearsal process that stuck with me. She said to the cast that she thought we would all be saying years from now with pride that we were in the very first production of Amaryllis Studios. What encouragement and inspiration that we were doing the right thing! There is no way I will ever be able to put into words the appreciation I have for the group of people that made this dream come true for me. I only hope that in some small way they felt good about helping build that dream.

The Evolution of a Dream

 Hello! Me again. I know it has been a while. I seem to be saying that every time I write a post now. I know I've said this before, but when I started this blog, I told myself that I would only write when I was inspired. That is not the same as saying I ALWAYS write when I'm inspired, because I don't because, well, you know, life and stuff, but today's topic is probably the most inspiration of all the inspiring things in my life to write about, my passion for the theatre. I knew from age 3 that I wanted to perform in some way. As a child growing up in the 60s, I was hugely into TV. I had a little wooden rocking chair that I would sit in right in front of the television. Cartoons were big for me, Bugs Bunny especially. If you have never seen Bugs Bunny, we are no longer friends, just kidding, but stop reading right now, and go search for an episode, in fact, I'll save you the trouble.

Rabbit Of Seville (1950) from Stephen Rae on Vimeo.

.Now, I still, at 60, find this extremely funny, but if you noticed, the entire cartoon is set to the music from the Opera, The Barber of Seville, by Rossini. Of course, what Bugs is singing are not the original lyrics, but the music is the real deal. It was not composed for this cartoon. It was written in the1800s. This cartoon, and there are others that used classical music, gave me my intro to the genre expanding my knowledge of music beyond nursery rhyme songs and popular music. Because I watched so much TV and listened to so many different kinds of music in my house, I would often imitate or act out what I saw, and thus began my love of performing. As I grew older, I still watched cartoons, but I also was a huge fan of the Jackie Gleason Show and the Carol Burnette Show, and more and more I knew that this was what I wanted to do with my life. I sang my first solo in front of people, well, not family, in kindergarten, Away in a Manger, for the Christmas Pageant. Then in 2nd grade, I was the Teeny Weeny Bean in Mr. MacGregor's garden complete with green tights and green bean hat and solo. In 4th grade I changed it up and decided to do a "straight" play (for all you non-theatre people, that means a play without music). I was the Shoemaker's wife in The Shoemaker and the Elves. I don't remember much about the part, but I do remember she was kind of sassy, and I got laughs. I promise I am not going to recount my entire performance resume for the last 50+ years, but just indulge me one more. My drama teacher at St. Catherine's School, Ms. Buis, had directed The Shoemaker and the Elves, and she told me about a local professional theater that was having auditions for The Music Man and needed someone my age and suggested I audition, and that, my fabulous humans, is where I was bit by the bug, and I have never stopped scratching for the last 50 years. I was cast as Amaryllis (that's me in the Big Bow),

and it was one of the coolest things I had ever done, and I loved it, and when it was over, I just wanted to keep doing more and more. That was my dream. That's what I wanted to do with my life, and I did, and they all lived happily ever after, right? WRONG! Far from it. Oh, I'm still connected to the theatre, and I still act, and have done so pretty consistently for the last 50 years, but I don't do it for a living. Very few actors have that luxury, so why am I telling you this story? Theatre has brought a lot of great things into my life. In fact, I would not have my 2 children if it were not for theatre because I met their father doing a show. I went on to act professionally and non-professionally all through school and in my freshman year in High School I did the show Godspell, and I became best friends with the guy playing Jesus. We stayed friends for months, but he wanted more. I did not, but, eventually, after spending almost every free moment together for about a year, something changed, and he became the love of my life, and my dream changed a little. I still wanted to act, but I was more focused on my relationship, and plans for my future with the man I loved. We ended up getting married 6 months after I graduated, and my dream changed. I still wanted to act, but I was more focused on being a good wife, and as my husband was very talented musically, we began to sing together, and then we were in a band, and then 2, and I was mostly singing back-up to him, but we were building that dream together, and theatre kind of took a back seat. My husband was a songwriter, and he was really good, and I really thought the band was making headway, and we were going somewhere. By this time, about 14 years after we were married, we had 2 beautiful daughters (2 and 5). This was my new dream, to have the band we were in become our source of income and to tour with our little family. What could be better, right? Apparently not all people in the little family were on board that ship, and I'm not talking about the 2 & 5 year old. When our band was just on the cusp of actually breaking out, and we were really gaining traction, I found out that the love of my life, my husband of 15+ years, and the father of my children was having an affair. Not only was this devastating to me, but it was especially problematic as he held a part time job as a minister of youth and music at our church, and the band that he was front man for, you know the one we were all in, was a Christian Band. Add to that, that I had made part of my evolved dream being a stay-at-home Mom to our 2 girls with only $100.00/month income as a pre-school music teacher, and that made it impossible for me to leave, and I couldn't tell anybody or he would lose his church job and maybe his main job because he was having an affair with one of his employees. For 5 months I was on an emotional roller coaster trying to be a better wife because why else would he have turned to someone else, right? STOP RIGHT THERE! (insert sound of screeching brakes) If you are reading this, and you are in a marriage or long term relationship, and your partner cheats on you, IT IS NEVER YOUR FAULT!!!!! Say it again, so the people in the back can hear! A partner cheating on you is NOT YOUR FAULT! Was I a perfect wife? No. Did we have issues and arguments? Sure. Should we have been better communicators? Absolutely, but does that justify someone sleeping with another person while they are still sleeping with you, and lying about it, and gaslighting you when you think you know what's going on, and making you feel guilty for even suspecting that? NO! Do I believe people's feelings change in a relationship? I suppose that's possible. Mine didn't which is what made things so hard, and made it that much easier to take the responsibility for all of that. If that does happen, and people fall out of love with their partner, they owe them the respect and decency of saying they want out before they move on. Would that be painful and devastating? Damn right it would, but at least the humiliation and betrayal would not be a part of the equation. Add to all of this that I had to pretend at church and with the band that everything was fine. We were still the golden couple with the 2 adorable children. But, as it is with all secrets, they can't be kept for long. The affair had not ended, and things blew up, and he decided to "make things work" with me. I was elated. I was so glad to have my husband back. We renewed the lease on our townhouse for another year, and three weeks later the girls and I went to the beach with another mom with 2 daughters, and when we came home after 4 days away, he was gone. He left me a letter telling me I needed to get my act together if I was smart, and that I had ruined his ministry. He left his job, (both of them), and we had no idea where he was for almost a month. He took the only car we had that was functional, and every cent in our checking account leaving no money to cover the checks that had been written and sent to pay bills (this was back in 1998, no online bill pay or banking). Luckily, my parents had space for us to move in, and my landlords were great about letting me out of the lease. I had no job to speak of, no money and no car, and a 2 and 5 year old to raise. Well, that blew that dream all to hell, and every other dream with it. At the age of 34, I had to start my adult life completely over. Don't check out yet. If this were a weekly episodic television show, this would be the end of the season cliffhanger. I won't leave you on the ledge, though. New dream: Make sure that I raise strong, independent women that know they are loved. Teach them to be honest with me always, even when it's difficult, and promise to be the same way with them, and make sure they are well provided for. Encourage them and guide them with their dreams and what they want, and to be kind and respectful to other people. I pretty much did that with the help of a whole lot of friends and wonderful support from my family. They are both grown and following dreams of their own. All of that happened almost 26 years ago. I never remarried. I never even had a relationship with anyone else. It just wasn't part of the plan. They were my focus. As we settled into our new life, I slowly got back into the theatre, and began to find that first dream again, although slightly altered. I got some amazing roles through their school years, and they were so supportive of me and still are. My dream had always involved being on stage. I did not want to direct. I just wanted to perform, but as I began to age, there were fewer and fewer opportunities for onstage work, so I thought I'd try directing. I directed a group of high schoolers in a production of Anything Goes, and I loved it. I loved watching a kid realize they were actually good at this acting thing. I adored being able to watch that love that I knew so well bloom in them. I wanted to direct more. Easier said than done. I was not an established director, and few theaters in town were going to take a chance on me. I continued to pick up a few roles here and there, and then, I got the role of a lifetime. I was cast as Della Brady in The Cake at Richmond Triangle Players, and it was the most satisfying, challenging, joyful experience of my career. I knew I would never have another role like this, and I told myself that if I were never cast in anything again, I could be satisfied with that because I had achieved a dream. How little I knew then how prophetic those words would become. The Cake closed in March of 2020, and we all know what happened the end of March. The world shut down. None of us knew if live theatre would ever be a thing again. I think that's when my dream really changed. I knew that if we ever came out of the Pandemic that I wanted theatre to be a part of my life on a daily basis. What I really wanted was to buy some place and start my own theatre. I wanted it to be a place where people could create great things together and realize their true potential and work on something they loved and were passionate about. I know, I know, that's a huge dream, and it would require winning the lottery! I tend to do that. I get an idea, and it just keeps ballooning into something that is impossible right away. I am still getting used to trying to take baby steps. I decided I would start with an acting studio and coach students one-on-one, and thus Amaryllis Studios was born.

Logo designed by Georgi Dysert

I started out with one student, and then I gained another, and I was actually living part of my dream and making a supplemental income doing something I loved. And then 3 1/2 months ago, my youngest daughter and a small group of friends decided we were going to work together to do a show this summer. And guess what? We are! Amaryllis Studios is actually producing a show under the Creative Wing of Vienna Waits Creatives - a whole other post for a different time from a guest blogger, stay tuned. So many friends are helping for no pay because they love the theatre like I do. It's a musical called CHESS, and we have held auditions, and it's cast, and we begin rehearsals next week. This is the dream, folx! It is happening. Is it the one I had at age 10? No, but there's still a part of the little Amaryllis' dream. That's why she's my logo. She planted the seed all those years ago, and life watered it sometimes, and it went unfed sometimes, and then it flourished with different blooms, and now it has evolved into what it was always meant to be. It's not a theater yet, but I know in my heart of hearts that it will be. What is meant for you will never pass you by. I hope that you found value in my story, and that it may have helped you in some way to see the light at the end of the tunnel, or pursue the dream you have. Surround yourself with people that will love that dream into being. It can happen. It has for me, and I know it will for you too. You deserve it! We all do!

If you have been inspired by this story or you want to be a part of this dream, I have launched a Kickstarter called 6 Weeks til Show. This is the summer theatre program that I want to offer every summer to people who want to follow their passion and have a place where they might get that opportunity. I totally get it if you can't contribute, but if not, would you please share to get the word out? I would be so grateful. We all succeed when we lift each other up.

We'll Never Get to Heaven Till We Reach That Day

 I first saw the musical, Ragtime, several years ago at the Dogwood Dell Festival of the Arts. Both my girls were still in elementary school. I had seen the 1994 film, but had not seen the musical. It was an excellent production, but something I remember so clearly was a question both my young girls asked me at intermission. To give you a little reference, Ragtime focuses on America in 1906, and how the lives of three different groups of people (Wealthy white Americans, African Americans and Immigrants) intersect and the challenges and tragedies they face. There is a scene in the show where the young African American couple (Coalhouse and Sarah) are driving home from a picnic with their baby, and they are stopped by three white fireman, and told they are not allowed to pass. Coalhouse sends Sarah and the baby away, and tells the men he is going to get a policeman. When he returns, the car (Coalhouse's brand new Model-T Ford) has been destroyed, and a pile of human excrement has been left on the driver's seat. It's a hard scene to watch. When intermission came, both my girls asked me why those men were being so mean to Coalhouse. I was so proud that they didn't understand hatred and cruelty to someone simply because they were a different race. 

My next experience with the musical came in 2008 when I had the amazing experience of being in the Ensemble of a Staged Concert of Ragtime as a fundraiser for a local theatre company. Ragtime is the kind of musical that's a roller coaster ride. You get strapped in at the opening number, and you just better hold on until the ride comes to a complete stop. The songs will make you feel joy and sadness, anger and triumph. To be able to create the vocal sound with a wonderful group of talented people is still one of the fondest memories I have of my 50 year theatre career.

And the third experience I have had with this awesome work was just 3 nights ago. I love this musical! I have to say it is probably my favorite musical. There are so many numbers in this show that can only be described as thrilling! When I was doing the concert mentioned above, I had never really listened to the soundtrack, but as the concert was a fundraiser, we were all volunteering our time. There was not a lot of rehearsal time, and so my love affair with the soundtrack began as I listened on repeat to familiarize myself with the score. When I heard that Ragtime was part of Arlington, VA's Signature Theater's 2023 season, I really wanted to go! Then I found out that one of my oldest and dearest friends was playing the pivotal role of Tateh, the Jewish immigrant. Ok, now I had to go! Easier said than done. Tickets to anything at Signature Theater are out of my price range. Add to that my trying to finance a wedding. Then add to that needing money for Christmas presents. I was heartbroken! I had only seen 2 other shows at Signature before, and they were stellar! How could I miss what I knew would be a phenomenal production of my favorite musical? My oldest daughter to the rescue! I turned 60 in October, and she gifted me 2 tickets, and so last Tuesday night, we made our trek up 95 North to Signature Theater. When I say that watching this show was a spiritual experience, I am not exaggerating. The cast was superb! As the opening number began to swell to it's climactic ending, my daughter and I were both squeezing each other's knees trying to contain the pure excitement we felt, and those feelings didn't stop until the final bow was taken. I was weeping, sometimes because of sadness, and sometimes because I was so moved by the beauty and the emotion of the music. Both my daughter and I shouted "Whoos!" after almost every number as the packed audience broke into thunderous applause. I had to keep myself from giving a standing ovation all through the show. When the show finally did end, I, along with most of the audience, was on my feet applauding and cheering! There is something about live theatre that just can't be recreated by watching a film or television show. It is the energy in the room, and the collective experience of everyone performing and everyone watching. The other thing about this show is that it is so poignant, and sadly, it is very relevant to the world we live in today. Unfortunately those 2 little girls that couldn't understand why people were being cruel to other people have seen too many examples of it over these past 13 years. There is a moment in the show, the last number before intermission, where something awful and tragic has happened, and we are grieving with the characters, and they sing a song called Till We Reach That Day. The lyrics are:

"There's a day of hope
May I live to see,
When our hearts are happy
And our souls are free.
Let the new day dawn,
Oh, Lord, I pray.
We'll never get to Heaven 
Till we reach that day."

Theatre moves us. Theatre inspires us. It makes us feel and think. This production of Ragtime does all of those things. There is something that happens at the very beginning of the show that I am sure was a directorial choice, and it was brilliant. The set is very minimal, and it uses levels with a sort of balcony and 2 spiral staircases that lead up to it on either side of the stage. There is a banner hung from the railing of that balcony that says "E Pluribus Unum," the motto of the United States of America adopted in 1776. The literal translation is Out of many, One. As the opening number, introducing all 3 groups that I first mentioned, ends, the banner is detached and drops to the stage floor. I loved that subtle statement of foreshadowing. It only runs through the first week in January. I wish it could run for much longer than that because everyone needs to see it. Maybe if more people did, we could all get back to the innocence of those 2 little girls who couldn't understand hatred and cruelty for someone different than themselves. Maybe we could finally "reach that day."

Is it Love that Brings You Here or Love that Brings You Life?

I haven't written in over 2 months, and there's a reason for that. I've been a little busy. I have been planning a wedding. No, not for myself, "It's not for me. It's not in the cards." (random Gilmore Girls reference) It was for my youngest daughter. I have written about my daughters before. They are the bright spots in my life. It has been the three of us most of their lives, as I have mentioned in several posts before. I am a single mom and have been for the last 25 years. Their father left when they were 5 and 2. We have been a household of 3 women for a good portion of those 25 years until about 5 years ago my youngest brought a young man into our lives. Georgi is very much like me. She knows what she wants, and once she decides that's what she wants, nothing will change her mind, not even when it seems that every force in the world is fighting against what she wants. She will not be shaken! And so it was in the journey of her relationship with Scott. There were many ups and downs and trials and struggles that they both faced together and apart, but through it all Georgi knew that she loved Scott, and nothing in the world would be right unless they were together. Two days ago they were married. Anyone who knows me well would probably make the observation that I am a true romantic at heart. Some might even say old-fashioned. I believe in true love and soul mates. I have watched Georgi and Scott's relationship from the beginning, and I truly believe that they are each other's person. There was a lot leading up to this wedding. Georgi and Scott are both creative artists, and they wanted to have a DIY wedding. Everything for this wedding except for 2 food items for the reception was implemented, made, baked, cooked, carved, painted, decorated, etc. by Georgi or Scott or someone from one of the two families. This was not a "Secure a venue and caterer, and show up on the day of" wedding. Work, and I mean hard work, went into making this day possible, but it could not have been more beautiful or suiting for these two wonderful people! When they set the date of the beginning of November and said they wanted everything to be outside, I was anxious about weather. It could not have been more perfect than it was on Saturday! They were married in a small clearing in the woods on Scott's parent's property. We were surrounded by trees and autumn leaves that had fallen to the ground. It was magical! The two people officiating were a husband and wife that are 2 of Scott and Georgi's closest friends, and it made the ceremony so intimate and personal. Of course, that meant needing more tissues. I was really glad my mother of the bride dress had pockets! I watched them exchange their vows as they were both overcome with true emotion, and I just knew that I had been blessed to see one of the great love stories from the beginning. Given my history, I could have been cynical about love, doubtful that true love even really exists. I'm not that way, but if I was, seeing Georgi and Scott together would change my mind. I did not give a toast at the reception yesterday, but if I had, it would have gone something like this:

" Georgi and Scott - I thought this day would never come, but as we got closer, I found myself wishing for more time, mainly because I didn't think we could get everything done in time. I worried and fussed right up until the minute I walked up the stairs to get ready for today. Everything had to be perfect, but what I was failing to focus on, and, once again, as she has done so many times in the past, Georgi reminded me of what was truly important. If literally everything about today had fallen through, it still would have been perfect because I am looking at a married couple right now. That was the goal. That was the focus. Everything else was just window dressing. When Georgi and Scott had been together for a "few" years, we were wondering if there was going to be a proposal and when. They just seemed perfect for each other. I knew engagement rings were expensive, and I knew Scott well enough that he would want to give Georgi the best. I decided to text him and tell him that I had the diamond from my engagement ring, and he was welcome to have that if he wanted, but how do you do that without sounding pushy? [In my best "Fiddler on the Roof" matchmaker voice, "So, are you going to marry my daughter or not?"] On March 6, 2022, I took the plunge, with my ending words being "if this text was weird, no need to respond , and we never have to speak of it again." He responded with a very sweet text ending with, "I guess this means I have your permission." And now a year and 8 months later, here we are. To Scott - I could not ask for a better man to be my little girl's partner in life! You are loving and respectful and so kind, but most of all, I know that you will be there for Georgi no matter what. You encourage and support her. Her dreams are just as important to you as your own, and that is so important in a marriage to lift each other up and believe in each other. Thank you. And to Georgi, my baby girl, my little me, stubbornness and all, my cheerleader and friend, my voice of reason, my inspiration to be a better person - you are so wise beyond your 27 years. I will miss our late night talks and hearing you sing as you are doing some task or working on your latest project. I will miss talking all evening in whatever random accent we have chosen, or watching "our shows." But even as much as I will miss you, I know that this is exactly the way things are supposed to be, and your life is going to be so amazing because of who you are, and because the man you have chosen to go through life with is the man that was always chosen for you. It just took some time for all of it to work out perfectly. I love you both, and I am so looking forward to watching your love grow through the years. 

So....I was thinkin': Falling Angels

So....I was thinkin': Falling Angels: Today is Friday, September 13 th , but I am not going to write about black cats crossing my path or walking under a ladder being bad luc...

A Year Ago Today

 A year ago I was sitting at my desk at work, and my cell phone rang. I saw the display name that it was coming from Beth Sholom, the home where my mother lived. I had not been happy with something that had happened when I had visited her that previous Sunday. I thought they were calling to discuss the situation with me. I got up to take the call in private, and, for someone who usually can remember everything, I can't really recall the words that were said, but the call was to tell me that she had passed away. I knew that she was probably not going to live much longer, in fact I had prayed for God to take her if he couldn't find a way for me to move her out of the home and in with me, but I was still shocked when the call came. I don't think we're ever prepared to hear that we've lost a loved one. I wasn't prepared. In my way, I held it together while the nurse was talking to me. I asked the questions I thought I needed to, and then I went out to tell my supervisor that my mother had died, and I needed to leave. She hugged me, and I fought it, as I usually do, because I always have to hold it together. She didn't let go of me, and I started to sob. I collected myself pretty quickly because I was the resident grown-up now, and I had to start making some plans and taking care of things, make arrangements. A year has come and gone, and so many things have happened. Some days have been worse than others. It took me a while to pull myself out after Mom first died. For a while, I really didn't care about anything. I had never experienced that in my life before, not even when my husband left me and the girls. I did finally come out of it. I'm not really sure when or what caused it, but I started to feel "normal" for lack of a better word. That's not to say that I don't still miss her, I do. I'm sure I always will. Heartland Hospice had a memorial service in May for all of their patients who had passed away in the previous year last May. It was a beautiful day, and the setting was a gorgeous chapel on a hill. It had been 10 months since Mom had left us, but I cried as if it had happened the day before the service. Sometimes I still cry, but now I laugh too when I think about different times we had together. Oh, and that piece of coconut cake..it still sits in the freezer uneaten, and it probably always will.