Somewhere Safe to Fall

 

The last post I put out was fairly bleak. I am not a bleak person, very rarely anyway. After I posted and shared to Facebook, I got no response from my friends. I thought that odd, but it's happened before. I am sure I said something that upset the FB gods, and none of my friends saw it. I decided with everything that is going on right now, I needed to get off of social media. I have a very bad habit of letting that vortex of negative news suck me in, and it was really messing with me. I put out a quick status that said I would be leaving for a while. That status set off an outpouring of love and support. Yes, I logged on promising myself I would do nothing but read notifications from friends. It made me feel so much better. I'm still not back on Social Media, but I felt the collective virtual hug, and it made me think.

 Almost 2 years ago I moved further away from my office. I have about a 25 minute drive everyday. Well, I did before COVID. Now I work from home. At the same time, I was also going to the theater almost every night for rehearsals or performances, and I started to listen to books on tape. I've heard a lot of good ones, and as a little plug, it took me a long time before I would listen to a book on tape, but now, I love them, so give them a try. I listen while I am working at home, but then I was mostly listening on my commutes. Last summer I listened to Big Little Lies, by Liane Moriarty. I listened before I watched the series. I liked the way she wrote, and so I look out for her titles as they become available at the library. I just recently finished Truly, Madly, Guilty, by her. There is a quote in the book that really struck me, and I think it really applies to my current situation, everyone's really. "You can jump so much higher when you have somewhere safe to fall." I have jumped really high in my life. I have gone after almost everything I wanted to do, and most of the time I have been able to achieve my goals, but that isn't all on me. All through my life I have had somewhere safe to fall. I never felt like I would be ridiculed or gotten an "I told you so" if I failed. That somewhere safe was my family, my kids, and my friends. I kept jumping because they were there, that safety net. All of my friends and family were my virtual safety net the other day. I had the courage to jump into that honesty and say what I felt because they were my somewhere safe to fall. It gave me hope, and that's exactly what I needed. Thank you for letting me fall safely. Always know that I am here to be your net as well. Stay safe, and have hope!

Someplace Where There Isn't Any Trouble...

 At the start of one of my all time favorite movies, The Wizard of Oz, Dorothy is running away from Miss Gulch's house with her precious dog, Toto. Toto has gotten into trouble for being in Miss Gulch's garden and biting her leg. Dorothy tries to get sympathy and understanding from everybody back on the farm, Aunt Em, Uncle Henry, the farmhands Hunk, Hickory and Zeke, but all are too busy. Finally, Aunt Em tells her, shooing her away, to find a place where there isn't any trouble. Of course what follows is the famous, Somewhere Over the Rainbow, as Dorothy contemplates just where a place like that could be.

Now, if you've seen the movie, you know that Dorothy does travel "over the rainbow" but finds out where she really wanted to be all along was home. She tells Glinda the lesson she's learned, " it's that if I ever go looking for my heart's desire again, I won't look any further than my own backyard; because if it isn't there, I never really lost it to begin with." I want to focus on those three words, my own backyard. My home has pretty much always been a wonderful place to be for me. I had parents and grandparents who loved me. I was fed and taken care of and encouraged and supported and even spoiled. Even as an adult when things weren't so great I never felt like I wasn't safe and happy at home. Last night I lay awake staring into the darkness telling God all the things I wanted to live to see: For my daughters to both be happy, to see my girls get married if that's what they choose, and my grandchildren if they are so inclined and we are blessed with that. I didn't sit there listing those things because I'm sick or I have some terminal illness. For the very first time in my life, I can say that I am truly scared. I was not even this scared when 9/11 happened. I was concerned, sad, shocked, but I wasn't as scared as I am now. I've had brain surgery twice, I was in a major car accident when I was young, and I've had Corona this past year. I was anxious about all of those things, but now I'm scared because my own backyard has become a powder keg. I know this may sound really weird, but when all those other things happened I had a strange calm. I knew I would be ok no matter what. I'm not so sure anymore. I was actually searching for places to live in Canada the other night. This is what scares me. There is no way to reason with the people that stormed the capitol. They were intent on doing harm. They were really, really angry. They were the text book definition of an angry mob. One guy even had the cliche pitchfork. They don't want to sit down and talk. They want a bloody battle, and I am afraid that they will stop at nothing to make sure they get it. So here I am laying it all out. This is me NOT putting on a brave face, and that is not my role. I am the one who holds it together, but right now, like Dorothy, I'm wishing I could be somewhere over the rainbow. Stay safe my friends and be careful.

What's at the End of the Tunnel?

 

Wow! Signed in to write a new post and realized I haven't written anything since the end of September. When I started this blog, I told myself that I would not write just for the sake of writing. I would write only if inspired. I am not sure why I have not been "inspired" for 3 months except that the world, in general, is packed with such an overload of information, and I really feel I have been overwhelmed. I have so much to say that my brain just couldn't handle the articulation. I also know that because my main source of sharing my posts is Facebook, and their algorithms pick and choose who sees certain things. Was it even worth it to write if I wasn't reaching anyone? BUT... I could not let 2020 leave without some reflection. Let's face it, this has been a weird year!!! and that is putting it mildly. I began 2020 on an Artistic high. I was closing a show playing a role that I dearly loved and stepping into rehearsals for what has become the most challenging role I have ever played. I started rehearsing Della in The Cake at Richmond Triangle Players. I said through the entire process up until closing night in March that if this was the last role I ever played, I would be happy. Little did I know how true that statement would become. We closed March 7, 2020, and the my world literally SHUT DOWN on March 16, 2020. I was one of the lucky ones. I never lost one cent of pay as I was able to transfer my job from the office to home. I had no idea at the time that I would still be working from home 9+ months later. I did everything we were being told to do. I wore my mask anytime I was in public, which was not often, except for Grocery store trips. I washed my hands and sanitized them until they were raw. I baked and ate A LOT! About 4 months in, I fell apart one weekend. Now, I really see myself as a strong person. I can usually keep it together, but everything that was going on and had been going on was so disheartening to me, I was overcome with emotion, and I lost it. I had to get off Social Media. I could not stand seeing the lack of human empathy day after day after day. I know this may sound shocking, but when I would hear of an older famous person passing away, not related to COVID, a little part of me would think in a way that what a relief that would be for them that they have escaped the madness. Let me stop right here. I have not ever, nor did I then, think about taking my own life, but I was so tired of people not caring about each other. I was tired of seeing the Hate, and the ridiculous denial and selfishness. I just wanted all of that to be over. I still do, but suicide was not in my thoughts, so you don't have to worry about that. Cutting off social media really helped me get through some tough time. Then one Friday in October, I was working from my home office, and I really wasn't feeling very good. I was achy, and tired, and I had a low grade fever. I stopped working early, and got in bed. I continued to check my temperature, and it kept going up until it was over 100. I called for a telehealth visit, and they set up an appointment for me to get tested for COVID the following day just as a precaution. On Saturday morning I felt so much better, and I almost cancelled the appointment. I felt silly. I didn't have COVID. I had been doing everything I was supposed to be doing, but I went. They did a Rapid test, and they said they would call me with my results. I got the call on the way home in the car, and when they told me I was positive, I was SHOCKED! I had to isolate for 14 days. Again, I was lucky, I could work if I felt up to it, but even if I didn't, my employer was extremely generous as they had given us extra sick time if we contracted COVID. I ended up taking 2 days off because of being tired. That was really all I went through physically, and I lost my sense of smell, but my anxiety was through the roof. Every night when I went to sleep I would wonder if the virus would all of a sudden start to fill up my lungs? Would I wake up not being able to breathe? I had read about people who started out just like me, and had ended up being rushed to the ER, and put on a ventilator. The only thing that kept me sane was a friend of mine brought me a pulse oximeter. I must have checked my breathing 10 times a day. The other thing that kept me sane was my youngest daughter, who is also my roommate. She took care of me, cleaned everything, made all the meals, and also made sure I was breathing. I was tested 2 weeks later. I was negative. I still wonder now, though, if I have a little twinge or feel a new different pain if the virus didn't do some hidden damage to my organs that I don't know about. That ordeal ended, and life moved on. Coming into November and Thanksgiving and then Christmas I can't explain it. I have never felt so relaxed and stress free for the holidays. Don't get me wrong. I missed my family. I missed Christmas Eve church service, and I really missed singing the hymns and theater programs, performing or as an audience member, but I had the time this year to actually take my time to enjoy the season. I wasn't rushing around, and I have to say, I liked it! So, if anything, I hope I learned that lesson. I'll go into 2021 smarter, I hope, more considerate of others, a better time manager, and more appreciative of just how lucky I am and always have been. When my daughter says the blessings before meals, she always says, "Help us to be a light." I think that's something we all can do without much difficulty in this year and beyond. I keep hearing, "There's a light at the end of the tunnel." I don't know where you are in your tunnel, but if we all become the light, we can help each other see to make it through.