The Unsung Hero

Mother's Day was 2 days ago, and if you read my last post, I didn't really focus much on Mother's Day because something else HUGE was going on. My oldest was graduating college, the first ever to do so in our family. It was weird getting ready for the day. Almost like it feels getting ready for Christmas. It's exciting! You can't wait for it to get here, but you're also really anxious. Have I done everything? Is everything ready? Do I have all the things I need to wear? What time should we get to the service, and on, and on, and on! And, just like Christmas, all this time is spent planning, and before you know it, the day is over. It was a huge day for my daughter, for all of us!If you read this blog, you know that I am a single mother and have been for 18 years. It took a lot to enable my girl to take that short walk across the stage to receive her degree, and she did not take that walk alone, but this post is about one person in particular. She was also in the audience to support Leah. She gave up her mother's day to sit through 2 1/2 hours to see her take that stride toward her future. I am talking about my sister.
In 1998 when my ex-husband left, my sister was living in Florida. Her support of me and my girls started then as many times we visited for a little oasis from the stress of all things single parenthood entails. Once she had her own baby she moved back home to Richmond and many times she stood in for me if I couldn't attend a school program because I was working or doing a show. She has been with Leah all through her college journey starting with visits to campuses. She has always been willing to help in whatever way she could including driving Leah all the way to Pittsburgh for her audition for Point Park's Theatre program. I was doing a show and, obviously, could not go. I was doing the same show during Leah's first college orientation at Catawba in NC, and Jenna was there in my stead. When Leah moved home at the end of her sophomore year to transfer to the University of Richmond, my sister made the trek with me to pack the car with 2 college years accumulation and hung out at the Mall while we waited for Leah to complete her RA duties before she could leave. She has ordered books, and shopped around for bargains, and attended plays, and pretty much anything else we needed help with. She didn't get any congratulations on Sunday, but she deserved it as well. So.. Congratulations, Jenna! Job well done! oh, and THANKS!

Time for the Pay Off

In 3 days I will do something I have never done before. Before thoughts of exciting adventures like skydiving or bungee jumping fill your head, let me enlighten you. I will attend a college graduation. I am 52 years old, and I have never attended a college graduation. I did not attend college, nor did my sister, my parents before me or their parents. No one in our family has ever attended college until now.
A little back story: Almost 18 years ago, I became a single Mom of 2 & 5 year old daughters. That, in itself, was daunting. I had no job, no car and no money. I had to move out of the townhouse we had been renting and into my parent's basement. I went on welfare and food stamps until I could find a job. As a little tip, don't ever get into a conversation with me about government assistance and the only people who use it are too lazy to get a job. In a short amount of time I did get a job, luckily, but it still didn't pay enough to get out on my own, so forget any kind of savings. Thinking about college for either of my girls was out of the question. In reflecting on that time I will often say, it was either eat or save for college. We chose to eat. My girls grew up knowing that if they didn't get free rides with scholarships, they weren't going to college, plain and simple. It was that way until about 10 years ago. I started working at a private university. One of the benefits of working here is free tuition for me and my dependents. There have been lots of bumps in the road. What I do is not my dream job, not even close, and many times over the 10 years I have thought, I can't do this. I'm just going to find another job, but I stayed. Sunday afternoon is the big pay off. My oldest girl will walk across the stage, and because I work here, I will get to hand her her diploma making her a college graduate with a degree in Theatre Arts. It doesn't get much more "worth it" than that!

2014..a look back.

So...it's over. The last post I wrote was about enjoying Christmas and not rushing here and there trying to cram everything holiday into the small window of time that I didn't stop to enjoy it. I am happy to say that I came pretty close to succeeding. Whether it was the fact that I didn't have time to rush around because I was working 1 full time job and 2 part time jobs or I took my own advice I'm not sure, but it was a much more laid back Christmas than I have had in years. It gave me some time to reflect on everything that has changed, some for the worse, but most for the better, in 2014. One of the most significant things that happened in 2014 was a double-edged sword for me. My baby graduated High School with honors last June. I was so proud of her, but I was also very sad. This was the end of school days for me. She has always been independent, but this marks society's definition of "no longer a child," and my role as a mother changes. This also marked the law's definition of adulthood, and child support ended in the middle of June, a day after she graduated. Because of this reduction in family income, I began to search for a part-time job, and in August I was hired to work with a local preschool with 2 and 3 year olds. I was excited but also extremely nervous. I am 51, and I haven't dealt with little ones in a LOONNGGG time! Would I be able to handle this? Would they like me? Would I be able to handle it physically? It was one of the sweetest experiences of my year. Physically, it was demanding, but 40 new little people made their way into my heart, and I will remember them for a very long time.
After working 9 years at my present job, I finally received a promotion. This, too, was a double edged sword as I was required to give up my job at the preschool. I will definitely miss the money, but it was heartbreaking to leave all those little faces. My new job is a challenge for many reasons, and I know it will take some time to settle in, but in the long run, I think it will be for the best.
In March of 2014, something very exciting happened! My oldest daughter was accepted as a transfer to a prestigious University, and would be moving back home. My little family of 3 would be under one roof again, and at the end of her very difficult first semester, she ended 2014 with all A's and B's. My youngest began college last fall and closed out the year with a 3.6 GPA. They both will do great things! They are the first 2 to go to college in our family, and I am in awe of them!
Physically, I made a big change in 2014. I decided to stop coloring my hair. I started getting gray hair in high school, just a stray here and there, but by the age of 22, the strays had grown enough for me to start coloring my hair. I have been coloring my hair dark brown for almost 30 years, but when my income reduced, I looked for any way to save money, and coloring my hair was something easy, so I stopped. The overall consensus is people love it. In fact some people think I have bleached my hair. It took me longer to get used to it, but I actually love it, and am very glad I took the plunge.

I have no idea what 2015 will hold for me. I'm a little anxious about things like finances and how the economy will affect me, but isn't everyone? I'm not really a resolution maker, but I do want to tackle 2015 with less stress, and live one day at a time. My mantra this year will be the prayer of serenity. I wish you the same!

That Could Have Been Me

Unless you live in a cave without any contact with the outside world, you know the name Hannah Graham. She is the UVA student who was reported missing more than 10 days ago. I have followed this case closely, reading every update that appears in my newsfeed. There are a lot of reasons for that, I suppose. 1. It's right up the street from me, not an hours drive away, in a town I've been to many times. 2. I've walked that mall where we have now seen surveillance video played and re-played hundreds of times 3. She is the same age of one of my own precious girls and not that much younger than my oldest. But until now, I have not really thought about writing a post. I read a post from another source, and it really got me thinking. This is tragic. It's a horrific situation, and I cannot imagine the Hell that her parents are going through right now. I am not sure I would be able to hold it together if it was one of my two cherished daughters that was missing. I do not know what the outcome will be. I fear as more and more days pass that it will not be good. The sad but true part of this is that this kind of thing happens all the time, and the more I thought about it, and after I read the article today, I had to say something. So here in my safe haven of "So...I Was Thinkin'" I will share my thoughts and feelings. Often times with tragedy we look for a lesson. We have to find something we can learn, some little piece of wisdom we can take with us to tell ourselves that the suffering produced some minute piece of something positive. I am sure that when this story first broke many of you, as did I, thought, what a stupid move. Why would she wander around dressed like that in the middle of the night drunk and ALONE? Doesn't she know what kind of world is out there? Doesn't she know that's dangerous? What was she thinking? Well, I'll tell you what she wasn't thinking. She certainly wasn't thinking that she would be the subject of every headline on every news outlet all over the US. She wasn't thinking she wouldn't make it home that night. She wasn't thinking that 1000's of people would be searching for her in the little college town of Charlottesville. You know why I know she wasn't thinking those things? Because if she was, she never would have left the party. She probably never would have taken a drink that night. In fact she may not have gone out at all. But here's the thing. She didn't know what the future held for her. None of us do! If we did, almost nothing would ever go wrong, but we don't. And most of us live with the foolish notion of That'll never happen to me or I'll be fine. I will go so far to say that we, especially women, will ignore our own minds screaming GET OUT!!! SOMETHING'S NOT RIGHT! YOU'RE IN DANGER! because we are afraid we are reading the situation wrong. This isn't really what I think it is. I don't want to offend anyone. I'm speaking from personal experience which is why I'm writing this post, and I want you to share it with everyone you know in hopes that they will not go out alone, or let their friends go out alone or get drunk or do anything that would put them in a dangerous situation.
I'm going to share something here that I have told very few people outside of immediate family, mostly because I made some colossally stupid mistakes, and I am embarrassed, and here's the important thing, and I am not being dramatic when I say this. I AM LUCKY TO BE ALIVE! Around 30 years ago, I answered an ad posted in the Classifieds of the Richmond Newspaper to apply with a modeling agency who was looking for Plus Sized models. I was asked to send some full body pictures in different outfits, formal, daywear, sportswear, etc. At the time I was married, and my husband took the pictures, and I sent them in, and a woman contacted me for an interview. I was beyond thrilled! Me! a Model! I had the address, and I was going that afternoon. These were the days before cell phones. I had to get to the interview, and I did not have time to call my husband to tell him I was going. I was given the directions, and I headed out. NO ONE knew where I was going. I told No One. I followed all the directions, and they were leading me into an apartment complex. If you were watching this story as a movie, right now you'd be thinking this looks sketchy. My brain told me that too, but I overrode it, and told myself perhaps there was an office building behind the apartment complex, and I drove on. There wasn't. I pulled up to the address. It was an apartment. Movie audience you is thinking right now, she's not going in there, is she? Once again, my brain said, this isn't right, but I overrode that thought and got out of the car to look for the modeling agency sign on the door (as if that would legitimize the situation) There was no sign on the door. It was a regular metal apartment door. If you're waiting for me to turn around, get back in my car and leave, you'll be waiting a long time. I knocked on the door, and a man answered. As I looked in, I was hoping the apartment had been converted to an office. It wasn't. The dining room table was directly in front of me, and there were salt and pepper shakers on the table. There was also no one else in the apartment, specifically, no women. Ok, get ready to groan, Movie Audience You.  I walked in , and he shut the door behind me. The first thing he offered was an explanation as to why I was in an apartment and not an office. They (the Agency) had found that office buildings were just not accommodating enough to do a successful photo shoot. The interview began. I was on the couch and he across from me on a chair. I was nervous. Remember what I said about our bodies screaming at us, but as the interview went on, I became more relaxed, and I told myself how silly I was being. This was a legitimate interview. He hadn't tried anything. He was asking the appropriate questions. Then he said they'd like to hire me. Wow! I'm going to be a model! Then he told me he just needed to get my measurements, and if I would step back into the bathroom and take my dress off because to get the most accurate measurements, they needed to be taken in my bra and underwear. He then walked out of the living room and back to the back of the apartment. Movie audience you is now yelling, GET OUT OF THERE! WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? My mind was telling me that too. I could have just gotten up and walked out the door. I didn't. I walked back to the bathroom and did exactly what he had asked me to do. I stood there in a Maidenform royal blue, bra and pantie set while a complete stranger took my measurements. When he was through, he asked me to get dressed and come out to the living room. As I closed the door and got re-dressed I felt sick to my stomach. I walked out to the living room. He was still in the back bedroom, and yes there was a bed in the bedroom. I yelled back toward the back of the apartment, "Do you have a phone I could use?" His reply, "Why, is someone waiting for you?" Me: "I need to pick my grandmother up from work." I called my grandmother to say I would be a little bit late. Before he came back up, I told him I needed to go. He asked, still from the back, if I wanted to finish the interview. I just repeated that I needed to go, and I left. The whole ride to my grandmother's office I could barely breathe. I felt stupid and ashamed and lucky and relieved all at once. It's that feeling you get when you're just about to cry, but you don't. They contacted me a couple times by phone to ask if I wanted to work for them. I declined. Here's the kicker. 2 years later I'm watching the news, and a picture comes up on the screen of "my interviewer" He had been arrested for taking indecent pictures of minors in his apartment. Anything could have happened to me that day. I could have been raped or killed, and no one would have known what happened or where I'd gone or if they would ever see me again. I could have vanished into thin air just like Hannah Graham. If we were all honest with ourselves, we all have a story like that. We've all ignored reason at one time or another about any kind of situation and later, we said, "Wow! I'm lucky to be alive!" Why did I share that incredibly embarrassing story of my extreme stupidity? Because I want everyone that reads this to learn to be smart and above all to take better care of ourselves and trust our inner thoughts and feelings. If you feel like it's wrong, It's Wrong! Don't find yourself in a situation you cannot get out of. Please don't be another story or headline on the news.

Your heart is there! Follow it!

This past weekend I went to see a production of "West Side Story" It was a high school production, and normally I wouldn't go see a high school production unless I knew someone in it. Well, I did know someone in this production, my daughter. My baby was playing Anita. Readers of this blog know that I have been doing theatre since the age of 10, and I love it. When you have children, you hope that they will have similar interests, and you hold out hope that they might even follow in your footsteps. You weigh that with the concern that they may want to follow, but don't have the talent to do so. Luckily both my children have a talent for what they love, so I had no problem encouraging them being careful not to push. God forbid I would ever be thought of as a stage mom! I have seen my youngest do other roles starting in Elementary school, but this time was different. I knew as I watched her take command of every moment she spent on the stage that I was getting a glimpse of greatness. I know that might sound braggy, and I don't mean it to be. It was just that I was so incredibly proud!!! and amazed that this very talented young woman I was watching was my daughter. She was so natural! She wasn't my baby. She WAS Anita! She's only 17, but I would put her portrayal up against any professional actress I've seen. Here's the thing. She doesn't know how good she is. I guess in some ways that's a good thing. I wouldn't want her to be conceited or a diva, but I want her to know just how very gifted she is. There are people who will take classes for years, and never be able to master the pure acting instinct she has. Wasn't it Spencer Tracy who said that acting should never look like acting? If it was, then he would have been very proud of her performance. As her time in high school comes to an end we have been discussing plans after school. The audition process is daunting, to put it mildly, and there is nothing that makes her more nervous than auditioning, but I would hate for her to hold back from going after something she is clearly qualified to do because of fear. I would hate for her to miss out, but more than that I would hate for the world to never see just where she can go. "All of our dreams can come true if we have the courage to pursue them." ~ Walt Disney 

♪♫ You Can't Always Get What You Want ♫♪

I have spent the better part of today listening to people who are disappointed. Some take it as part of life and move on.Some want to whine a little but still accept it, and then there are the few that refuse to accept it and demand that the situation MUST be changed! This isn't possible! How can I be denied anything? And then they begin the process of trying to change it. When did it become the norm that life is always exactly the way we want it, and disappointment never occurs? That has never been the world I've grown up in, nor was it the world I raised my children into. What people fail to realize is there is no good without the existence of bad, and sometimes the answer is "NO" What kind of fragile, glass world are you building for a child if you arrange everything in their life to go exactly the way they want it? You may buck the odds for a time and be able to succeed, but each year that goes by untouched by failure or hurt or sadness sets that child up for that one day when the disappointment will come, and instead of it being a small crack to cope with, that glass world will shatter into a million pieces. By making everything run smooth until that point, you have taught that child nothing about coping. In all of your grandiose efforts to keep anything from going wrong, you've actually hurt them in the process. Disappointment is part of life, and often it's the things that go wrong that make us stronger and equip us for the next derailment of our oh so perfectly planned life. Two years ago, just about this time, we found out that my oldest daughter would not be going to the college of her dreams, and for a while, we were devastated. Instead of putting all our efforts in trying to change that outcome, we focused, instead, on acceptance and making another plan. One year ago, about this same time, we found out that she would be attending another college, and in a few short weeks, she will have finished her first year there. She could not be happier. She is thriving and happier than I have seen her in a very long time. She is where she is supposed to be, but if she had spent all of her time when she received that disappointing news trying in vain to change it and refusing to accept the answer, "NO" she would not have opened herself to the possibility of a new college and would be miserable. You can't always get what you want, but you might just get what you need.

And just like that, another year gone.

2012 was a wonderful year for me. For one thing, I spent a good amount of the year working as a professional actor. I had a lot of firsts this year. In August, I moved my oldest daughter into college. That was a first for me, but also a first for my family as no one in our family has ever attended college before. I survived without too many tears, and she is flourishing there, and I am so proud. Last fall I was nominated for an RTCC award for my performance in "Always, Patsy Cline", another first and such an honor. And in November I had the opportunity to film a commercial for the VA Lottery, quite an experience. I celebrated 30 years with my senior class and was glad to reconnect with so many friends, and I achieved my 50 lb. mark in weight loss. Those were the big moments and so many others to make a really blessed 2012.
2013 will bring many things for me. I will reach year 50 in October, so I am sure this will be a huge year of reflection for me. I want to continue to shed pounds and keep exercising for my health because I want to be here for another 50 to watch my girls as they continue on the amazing path they're on to the fabulous women they are becoming with each passing day. I want to continue to act as it is my greatest gift I have to share, and I feel so alive when I'm on stage. I will begin the college search with my youngest, and exciting time for both of us. My oldest will turn 21 this year, and my youngest will begin her senior year in the fall. 2013 will be filled with milestones for my little family of three. I am ready to face them all because I have their love and support through everything. I cannot imagine what my life would be without them. Bring it on 2013, we're ready for you!

HAPPY Birthday to me!

Me on my 49th Halloween Birthday

At 1:20 PM today, I turned 49 years old. Birthdays change as you get older. When I was little, especially having a Halloween birthday, my thoughts were of what costume I would wear, and what costumes would be worn to my party, candy, treats, what special cake I would get that had to do with the Halloween theme. As an adult, my birthdays are spent reflecting on my life and how quick the years seem to pass now. Ok, so I still like to dress up, sue me. This past year has been chocked full of wonderful things! I spent the better part of 2012 playing a wonderful role in a play called "Always, Patsy Cline" It ran for 15 weeks last winter and spring, and then because it sold so well, they brought it back for 6 weeks in the summer. It was such a treat to be able to act for most of my 48th year, and I was honored to be nominated as Best Supporting Actress in a musical by our local critics here in Richmond. At last birthday, I was in the middle of directing my first show, Anything Goes, at my Alma mater, J. R. Tucker. The show opened in December, and it was a hit. I had a wonderful experience, and it left me with a hunger to direct again. Along with that show, I adopted a whole new group of children that I love and adore, and have formed special ties with that will never be broken. I watched my youngest daughter turn 16, and shopped for a dress for her first prom. In June, I had the privilege of chaperoning 4 very talented young ladies, one being my youngest daughter, to something called Harmony College, a 4 day session of workshops and coaching sessions and performances with her Beauty Shop quartet. I loved having the time with her, of course, but I also made a new friend, the other chaperoning mom. We roomed together in the college dorm, and became fast friends, as my youngest terms us "besties" In August, I had the bittersweet task of moving my oldest into college. It was very exciting, as she is the first one in our family to attend college, but it was also very sad for me letting go. I was proud of myself as I did not fall apart, thanks very much to my youngest and her support through it all. I have watched the posts on Facebook from my oldest daughter as she absolutely flourishes personally, academically and theatrically. She was cast as the lead in her freshman show, and she was asked to be the Freshman blog writer for the Theatre Department. She is very happy, and that makes things infinitely easier for me. Do I miss her? Of course, but as someone told me, it's the next step in her life, and if she didn't take it, things would not be right. My oldest away at college has also given me some wonderful one-on-one time with my youngest. She has spent much of her life getting slighted as the youngest often does. I even wrote a post about it. So I am glad to be able to give her some attention and really be there for her when she needs me. I attended my 30th High School reunion, and actually had a great time! I was with a dear, dear friend, and loved catching up with everyone else! And finally, just two weeks ago, I got to be an extra in my first commercial shoot. All in all it's been a grand year! For 49, I am extremely happy. I like myself, and who I am. I am proud of my accomplishments, but most of all, I am blessed, blessed with amazing kids, family and friends, but, most especially, blessed with love in my life. I won't receive any big gifts today, no diamond rings, no cars, no extravagant trips. I don't need those things. My life is just fine the way it is because I am truly happy! How many people can say that?

♪♫ Could it be? Yes it could! Somethin's comin'. Somethin' GOOD! ♫♪

Back at the end of March I wrote a post about my oldest auditioning for the theatre program at one of the two colleges she had been accepted to for the fall of 2012. The following is an update to all things college that have happened since then. If you read the post, you know that I was not able to take that trip with my daughter to that audition. Working in College Admission myself, I was anxious to hear her impression of the school. She really didn't say much at all. This worried me a bit because having talked to thousands of students and their parents over the last 7 years, I knew that if the fit is right, most students fall in love with the campus as soon as they arrive. They just feel "at home" I didn't get that vibe from her at all. I began to ask questions about the visit. Much to my surprise, my daughter told me that the tour guide spent more time bashing things about the school than talking it up. I was shocked! That would never happen where I work! I also knew my daughter was reluctant to say too much to me because she knew that this was the only school, at this point, where we had tuition exchange. Money was not an issue with this school, so she didn't want to tell me that she didn't want to go there. Yeah, I've raised one of those kids. We waited for about two weeks, and on the last day of spring break, she received information from the school that she had not made it into their theatre program. She was actually relieved because she really didn't want to attend there. I, however, was devastated. I felt like last year was playing out all over again. We were back to all our eggs in one basket again.   We still hadn't heard from the other tuition exchange school. We were supposed to know by the 15th. It was the 13th. I took a chance and called the college. I was put through to the very nice person in charge of tuition exchange. She looked up the account and the next words were music to my ears, "I don't know why she hasn't received a letter. I'm showing here that she received tuition exchange." I couldn't believe what I was hearing! Being the way I am, I clarified before I hung up, "So you're saying she has tuition exchange?" "YES!," was the answer that came back. My daughter was not at the house when I made the call. She was out with a friend. As soon as she walked in the door, I told her the news. She was ecstatic! the first time I'd seen her that way about college since she got accepted to the school last year that we couldn't make happen. It was a GREAT feeling to see her so excited! Fast forward about 6 weeks: We just returned Saturday from a trip to see the college that she will be attending in the fall. It was beautiful! The campus is small, but very welcoming and scenic. I loved it, but more importantly she did! Their theatre program is ranked in the top 10 in the US, and she will be able to audition for any shows as early as the Spring semester of her freshman year. The entire pre-college experience has been very positive and welcoming. This institution really seems to care about their students, and that's what I'm looking for. So, that "plan" seems to be falling into place just as my girl knew it would all along. In 71 days, I will be on the road to move my little girl into her college dorm, her home for the next 4 years. Am I ready? No, I don't think I'll ever be ready, but I am excited for her and what the future holds for her, and I am certain that this college is the first leg on the journey that was always meant to be!

♫♪ Could it be? Yes, it could! ♪♫

About a year ago, I was not in a very happy place. Followers of this blog and my friends will remember that my oldest daughter got accepted to her first choice college only to find out that tuition exchange didn't come through, and she could not attend. Some of you may have been wondering what story unfolded after that blow was dealt. After many, many instances of having to answer the question, "Where are you going to college?" with the answer, "I'm not." and watching all of her friends start their new lives, she stayed home and got a job. Some of you may be wondering why she did not go to community college. If she attended college at all she would not be able to try for tuition exchange again this year. So, after much discussion, we agreed a GAP year would be best. We started the process all over again of applying to colleges last fall. She applied to three, one, a state school, and the other two on tuition exchange. She has already been accepted to both tuition exchange schools, and, HALLELUJAH!, one has already awarded her tuition exchange. The jury is still out on tuition exchange for the other school. Tomorrow she is going to the school that has awarded her tuition exchange to audition for their theatre program. I cannot even be with her because of my show schedule. My wonderful sister is making the trek to take her. It's all so exciting and nerve racking too! What a difference a year makes!! Last year I thought all hope was lost. All dreams had been dashed. I thought that way, but through it all, my daughter's belief in God and His plan for her has never wavered. She was the one comforting me, telling me it would all work out. Well, my love, it seems all is falling into place. I wish you all the best Saturday as you go show the audition committee what all of us here know you have the talent for. This time next year, I will be waiting for you to come home for the summer from your freshman year of college.