Aww...That's Nothing?

I have never been one to be cryptic. I always lay my cards on the table! And since I am a firm believer in prayer and positive support from friends, I want to share. Earlier today I posted on Facebook that I was anxious about a doctor's appointment. Lately little things have been happening, physically, that I have dismissed. I'm a big dismisser! I tell myself, "That pain is just indigestion." or "That can't be what I think it is. It'll go away soon." And it does, and I keep going. I jokingly say that I don't have the time or the money to be sick. A little over a week ago I climbed 2 flights of stairs. When I reached the top I was a little winded. I thought that a little odd because I have probably been exercising regularly for about 2 months, walking about a mile a day. The shortness of breath wasn't really what concerned me. Accompanying that was this radiating pain in my lower jaw, and it lasted for about 5 minutes. Then it went away, and, guess what! I dismissed it. Although this dismissal nagged at the back of my mind as I have read places and even seen on television that jaw pain can be the sign of a heart attack. If you've read this blog before or you know me, I am a firm believer in signs. This past Friday I was participating in a workshop through my office an STRESS. Our keynote speaker was a cardiologist. She talked about heart disease briefly and she described, almost verbatim, what happened to me on the stairs. When she was finished, and we had a break, I pulled her aside and described what had happened. She said that that concerned her a little bit, and she felt I needed to see my doctor just to make sure nothing was going on. I also have family history of heart disease on both sides. And stress has been through the roof for me lately because of finances as I just lost $500 a month in income when child support stopped for my youngest. I was struggling before that loss, so you can imagine. Add to that not getting any sleep trying to open a show in a week, and it was just like a NEON sign flashing. I made an appointment Friday afternoon for this morning, Monday. I have just returned from that appointment, and there was some good news. My EKG was normal. Yay! That means my heart isn't damaged in any way. My blood pressure and pulse were great. Heart rhythm was sound, and lungs were clear. All great things! However, because the jaw pain was a concern for my doctor as well, I have been referred to a cardiologist, and I will probably be having a stress test. In the meantime, I'm still exercising and taking 1 Baby Aspirin per day. I am definitely glad to know that my heart is not damaged. Ask my children, I tend to go straight to worst case scenarios. I know I have read things where people have a mild heart attack, and don't have it diagnosed until a big one hits, and then they are told that they had had one earlier that they probably dismissed. So...I'm paying attention to things, and I am trying very hard not to be THE DISMISSER. Maybe that should be my superhero name. I would appreciate prayers,  good vibes, and good thoughts to accompany me on this medical journey. I also share in case anyone reading has the "dismisser's" disease. Better safe than sorry. I will update here as I know more.

"This is Jim Rockford. At the tone, leave your name and message. I'll get back to ya."

Certain actors just captivate you! All they have to do is come on the screen and your eye is drawn to them. James Garner was one of those actors! He was a master of the comedic take and the definition of smooth. Older generations probably first knew him as TV's Bret Maverick and then Jim Rockford on "The Rockford Files" I don't remember watching "Maverick," but I do remember "The Rockford Files." I wasn't really interested in that show, I kind of considered it a "guy's show." When I hear someone mention "The Rockford Files" I always think of a scene from the comedy, "Fraser" between Daphne and Martin discussing the show "The Rockford Files" and how upset Martin gets when Daphne confides to Martin that he reminds her of Rocky, Jim's father. Martin had always fancied himself as the smooth PI, James Garner played, and Daphne's observation struck quite a blow to Martin's ego. I first became enamored of James Garner when I saw him in one of my favorite movies, Victor, Victoria. He plays a straight Chicago Kingpin, who surprisingly finds himself attracted to a female impersonator. The female impersonator, unbeknownst to the public, is actually a "woman pretending to be a man pretending to be a woman" played wonderfully by Julie Andrews. Garner plays the handsome, suave, Man's man to a tee which makes it all the funnier when he finds out the woman he just saw perform this amazing, sexy musical number is actually a man, well, sort of. Confused? Find it and watch it! You won't be disappointed! About 3 years later a movie came out called "Murphy's Romance" starring Sally Field and James Garner. In the movie, two men are vying for her attentions, one, young and very good looking and the other, older but very handsome and charming. The older character is played by James Garner. I was 22 when I saw the film, but I remember thinking, I would pick the older guy. There is a scene in the film where James Garner's character finally kisses Sally Field.

Later in an interview Field said it was the most gratifying screen kiss she had ever received. James Garner received an Oscar nomination for his role in the film. Today's generation probably knows James Garner best as Ryan Gosling's character living out his twilight years in "The Notebook" If you're going to watch that one, get out your tissues. He also stepped back into TV in one of the most difficult ways. In 2003 he joined the cast of "8 Simple Rules" It's star, John Ritter, had passed away suddenly and unexpectedly. Instead of the series going off the air, the show continued and dealt with the death of the actor by dealing with the death of his character on the show. James Garner came in as the Grandfather, and played what he played so well, the man to go to when you needed advice, compassion, or sometimes just a good kick in the pants to send you in the right direction. 

James Garner died yesterday at the age of 86. He will be sorely missed.

The Give and the Get

It's been almost a month since my last post, and what a crazy month it has been. My baby graduated high school and left immediately on a choir tour through Philadelphia, PA, and returned to start working her first job. My oldest started a new job and a new relationship, and I, myself, am rehearsing for a show. Life has been hectic to put it mildly! I don't think I'm alone when I say that when our lives are rushed we tend to be a little more stressed. We're rushed from here to there. We don't take any time for ourselves, and the end result, for me, anyway, is irritability, and, frankly, I get bitchy with most of the people around me. I mentioned that my youngest graduated high school. This was certainly a happy event in our lives and cause for celebration, but it also brought with it anxiety. I have known this day was coming, and have dreaded it because along with her graduation from high school came the end of her child support down to the fact that the last payment for June was prorated because she graduated 3 days before the middle of the month. Forget the fact that she still lives with me. She will be living with me as she pursues an education in the fall. I would never kick her or her sister out of my house. But the law says 18, so in their father's eyes, his responsibility has ended. This is not a diatribe about the much needed reformation of child support laws. I only pointed that out to paint the picture of the mood I have been in for the last month. I have really been down, for lack of a better word. I saw something today on social media that really made me take a step back. Briefly, it shows a young man asking people in a pizza place for a slice of pizza because he is hungry. He's not dressed particularly shabbily. He just looks like a regular kid. I will say he's a little abrupt in the way he asks, and the two people they show that he approaches tell him , "No." The next part of the video shows two other young men approach a homeless man on the street and present him with a full pizza. He thanks them, and they move on. The same young man from the restaurant then approaches the homeless man and, again, asks for a slice of pizza. The homeless man shares a slice with him without hesitation. He truthfully has NOTHING except the clothes on his back, and he shares with a total stranger expecting NOTHING in return. Two statements are superimposed over the video, "We make a living by what we get. We make a life by what we give." Seeing a man who had NOTHING  give so freely really made me re-evaluate the way I look at things. I often think I barely have enough money to pay my bills and eat. How can I give what I don't have? Now, I am not one to compare suffering. I think it's wrong. Suffering is relative. If you are hungry and have nothing to eat because you didn't grocery shop this week, it does not make you less hungry because I remind you that there are people who are starving and have no money to buy food. It may make you feel bad about complaining, but it does not change the fact that you are hungry. Seeing this video didn't change the fact that I am struggling financially and wish there was a way to crawl out from under bills. It did however make me see my struggle in a different light. It made me appreciate the countless times I have been helped by family and friends and even strangers. It made me realize that it isn't always about running around and working myself to death for the getting. LIFE is about the giving. I guess you could say that my financial life is a struggle because I did make my life about giving. I am sure there are a lot of people who would look at my life on paper and see that I have been single for 16 years and think, surely you should have been able to "move up" in those sixteen years so that life at 50 would not be a struggle. And.....if I had made my life about getting for those 16 years, I probably would be at least comfortable right now, if not a little ahead of the game, but I didn't. I made a commitment to giving my time, as much as I could, to my children. That meant taking the jobs where I didn't have to work nights, the jobs where I was off in the summer with them, neither of which pay a very big salary. And what have I gotten in return? A LIFE! A life full of love and beautiful relationships with both of my daughters who have grown up to be amazing young women, something I'm not sure would have happened if I had spent all of my time getting instead of giving. It's just like the story of the butterfly. Without the struggle, the beauty never materializes. Did I like struggling? No. Am I glad I struggled? Yes.

Feed the Good

About two months ago, I wrote a post about an incident in the news of a young boy stabbing and killing an honor student at school because she would not go to prom with him. It was called The Monsters We've Created. I made a promise to myself when I started this blog that I would never write unless I was inspired to write. Sometimes tragedy or outrage inspires, but, sometimes, like today, pride and goodness inspire. I am an emotional patriot. I tear up when the National Anthem is played. I am touched when I see the pictures of the elderly veterans saluting the flag as it passes by in a parade. I will absolutely fall apart at a Military Funeral when the flag is presented to the loved ones left behind, and if Taps is played, forget it! I am done! So today when I read the story of Cpl. William (Kyle) Carpenter, I found there were tears slowly rolling down my cheeks. I will not retell the whole story here as you can read it from the link provided, but in a short summary, Kyle was awarded the Medal of Honor yesterday. He is 24, the youngest living recipient of the medal that has only been awarded to roughly 3500 men since its creation during the Civil War, 150 years ago. The act of bravery, putting himself between a grenade and a fellow soldier, happened in 2010. That means when Kyle made that choice he was 20 years old, barely out of high school, and not old enough to purchase or drink alcohol. In my opinion, a boy. How amazing that this very young man made such a selfless choice in a world that is all about ME. What's in it for ME? How will this benefit ME? I'm not doing that, I might get hurt. They can fend for themselves, it's not MY problem. But he did make that choice and saved the life of another. In yesterday's ceremony when the medal was presented to Cpl. Carpenter by President Barack Obama, Obama said this, "If any American seeks a model of the strength and resilience that define us as a people, including this newest 9/11 generation, I want you to consider Kyle..a shining example of what our nation needs to encourage." Has our culture created monsters? Yes, but we have also created and nurtured young men like Kyle, and all too often we focus on the tragedy and not the triumph. Hearing Kyle's story makes me believe in a future for this country, for the world. We just need to focus on nurturing the good, the compassion, the empathy and respect. There is a Native American legend of a story told to a grandson by his grandfather. He tells the boy of 2 wolves raging against each other inside of him. One is evil and  the other is good. The grandson asks the grandfather which one will win. The grandfather replies, "The one you feed." We need to , as a parent, as a nation, as a world, start feeding the good. Strive to embody the characteristics of Cpl. William (Kyle) Carpenter that led him to make the choices he made that day, and I am sure every day of his life. It is the only way we will survive!

Keep Reaching for the Stars

When I was growing up, things were so much different than they are now. Music was then and still is now a big part of my life, but when I really began to listen to pop music I was probably in 4th grade. That would have been around 1974 or so. Being that it was 1974, if you wanted to listen to music, you tuned into the local radio station. I am so old that when I first started to listen to the radio regularly, we listened to AM. The  one I listened to most was WLEE. I can remember those days of sitting and just waiting for your favorite song to come on. Since we couldn't get on the Internet and pull up Youtube or sign on to iTunes and purchase whatever song we wanted for 99 cents, it felt like you hit the jackpot when those tunes hit the airwaves. I remember how thrilled I was when I got a cassette recorder that taped directly from the radio. We would sit for hours waiting for our favorite song so we could press PLAY and RECORD simultaneously to tape it to have to listen to at will. You could purchase music in the form of a 45, short for 45 RPM or revolutions per minute. It was a small vinyl record about the size of a desert plate with usually the "hit" on one side, and the "flip" side had another song by the same artist. The reason the radio was so popular was because there was no way to take music in the car unless you happened to be rich back then and had a cassette player in your dash. Needless to say, I spent many hours listening to the radio and the music of the day, the songs you heard on American Bandstand every Saturday. Along with daily listening, there was something really special to listen to on Sundays, American Top 40. This 3 hour program counted from 40 down to the number 1 song of the week. It was hosted by Casey Kasem. My sister and I never missed AT40, and a big highlight of our years was Casey's countdown of the top hits of the whole year. It was usually played on New Year's Eve, and we would be down at my Aunt Beulah's waiting for them to play the number 1 song. Some of the ones I remember, Don't Go Breakin' My Heart by Elton John and Kiki Dee, Rock the Boat by Hues Corporation and who could forget You Light Up My Life by Debby Boone? Because we were such avid fans, Casey Kasem became a friend every week for 3 hours. He had a great voice that was so easy to listen to, and it always felt friendly and comfortable. Because of his wonderful voice he also voiced several cartoon characters, the most famous being Shaggy of Scooby-Doo fame. Casey Kasem passed away a few days ago. He was 82. I am sure many, as I do, feel they have lost a childhood friend. Because of AT40 and his cartoon work, generations knew him. In fact when I told my girls, 21 and 18, that Casey Kasem had passed away, they both questioned, "Shaggy?" Casey signed off of every American Top 40 broadcast with the same phrase, "Keep your feet on the ground, and keep reaching for the stars." He did reach for the stars and captured them. Rest in peace.

First, Let Me Take a Selfie

Last week at my daughter's baccalaureate service, one of the speakers addressed the issue of technology in his speech. He talked about the fact that 30 years ago when he graduated high school, there were no iPads, no iPods, no Internet, and no cellphones. He then made a joke with the last item listed that without cellphones there were no "selfies." Now, I am the first one to admit that I am definitely challenged in the selfie taking department, my girls, however are experts. But, as bad as I am at taking them, I wish I had had the technology to do so when I was in high school or all through my childhood for that matter. Why? Today is Father's Day, and I lost my dad almost 7 years ago. I wanted to post a picture on Facebook of me and my dad together, and found I really don't have that many pictures of Daddy and me together, even the old fashioned kind that had to be taken somewhere to be developed. My dad was not in front of the camera a lot. I guess a lot of that falls on the fact that he was probably the photographer most of the time when I was growing up. The few pictures that I do have of my family of 4 (Me, my sister, my mom and my dad) are when I am much older and usually taken at weddings like the one I included with this post. That makes me sad. My dad was a very handsome man, and I treasure the pictures I do have of him especially since he's gone. I am extremely grateful to have several pictures of my dad with my girls. And more so that they have the memories to go along with those pictures. Even though we lost daddy way too soon, my girls had the opportunity to really get to know and love him. When they look at pictures of themselves with their Papa, they remember, and it isn't just some picture that someone has told them, that's you and your grandpa. I think about my dad today and how much he would have loved the technology of today and really gotten into it. He would have marveled at the speed of being able to obtain knowledge in a matter of seconds at your fingertips with the touch of a button. Truth be told, he probably had the idea in his head for some of the technologies we enjoy today as he was always inventing, he just never took it to the next level. I miss him, and his crosswords, and his Reader's Digest, and his vocab quizzes and his Jumble. I miss our conversations, even our heated ones, and I really miss his laugh! Just recently I found an old cassette tape that was recorded about 40 years ago, and I can hear my dad laughing on it. That was something I'd forgotten the sound of. I was amazed just how much my laugh sounds like his. Happy Father's Day, daddy! I wish you were here to take a selfie of us laughing together.

I Wish......

In less than 12 hours my baby, my little girl, will walk across a stage and shake the Principal's hand and be handed a piece of paper, and in about 90 minutes, 13 years of classes, and papers and homework will all come to an end. How is this possible? This is going to sound so cliche, but where does the time go? I swear it was just yesterday that I was worried that if I got a new job that I had interviewed for that I might not be able to watch my baby get on the bus for her very first day of kindergarten. I can still see her in that denim, jumper and purple striped shirt with her, as she has dubbed it, her Dora the Explorer haircut. So much has happened in these 13 years. Lots of ups, a few downs, but always, we went through them together. I'm not going to turn this post into a bragfest. I have written many times about how proud I am of her accomplishments. What I will make this about is what I wish for her. I wish that she will always see how incredibly beautiful she is, and no matter what, that will never change because her beauty shines from the inside. I want her to realize how very talented she is and be confident in what she has to offer. More than anything, I want her to be happy with her choices in life and love and relationships. She has so much to offer as a friend, a wife and, yes, even a mother, someday...NO RUSH, and I mean that. I wish that she will always know that I am here for her no matter what, even if she thinks that what she's going to tell me will make me mad or disappointed, I want her to know that she can tell me ANYTHING. I hope that she will always look back on her childhood as a happy one even with its financial struggles and being raised in a single parent home. I hope that she will look back on the mistakes I have made and remember that most of the time I owned up to them and apologized. I hope that she will remember that I didn't just hear her, I listened to her. More than anything I wish for her true success, the kind that comes from doing what you love and doing it well. So, my sweet girl, as you enter this next phase of your life, make the choices that make YOU happy, even if everyone around you tells you you are foolish. You are so bright, and you, and only you, know the best path to take. Thank you for letting me be on the path with you these past 13 years, and as you now walk ahead, know that I am right behind you. Love you hug you!