Check on Your Strong Friends!

Last weekend I was not in a good place. A little background in case you don't know me. I am a strong person. I "keep it together!" I am great in a crisis for that very reason. I may fall apart afterwards when I am alone, and no one else needs me, but in the middle of the chaos, you can count on me. To be sure, I am an emotional person, but when I let myself be. I often say that the reason I get so overcome and cry at movies and television shows, heck, even commercials, is because that is my release. In my real life I am the rock. Now, I think part of this is due to the fact that I have been a single mom since my girls were 2 and 5. They are now 24 and 27. When you are a single parent, you learn to put yourself on the back burner. This is not a complaint, just a statement of fact. If you are a single parent reading this, you know exactly what I mean. There is no one to "take care" of you emotionally or physically. We are the text book definition of "walk it off." I think the period of raising my children alone certainly honed my "keep it together" skills. However, they did not begin with single parenthood. I can remember when my grandfather died in 1993. I was 19, and I was extremely close to him. His death rocked me. I have a thing about not looking at dead bodies of people. I have an extremely visual memory, and I DO NOT want THAT to be the image I hold of my loved one forever. I was married at the time of my grandfather's funeral, but my husband was singing for the service and not with me in the private family room. The time came when the funeral director comes and asks the family if they want one last look before they close the casket. My mother and father filed out, and I cannot remember who else. I stayed behind, and then I heard my mother yelling for my grandfather to get up and sing with her. No one was making her stop or come away, so I walked out trying my best to not look into the casket, and I pulled my mother away and back into the private room, "keeping it together." When my own father passed away many years later in 2007, my children were young, and him being the only "father" with a constant presence in their lives, they were devastated when he died. I was too, but it is "my job" to "keep it together." I sat in between the two of them trying my best to comfort them. I'm not saying I didn't shed tears, but I kept it together. I am telling these stories to illustrate the fact that I don't usually fall apart, not when it counts, not when I am needed. Last weekend, I sat in my house, alone, and ugly cried for about 30 minutes. I mean wailing! The last time I remember doing that was last July when my sweet kitty of 18 years died. Even then I could not give myself time to grieve because I had to "pull myself together" as it was my first day with my summer teen theatre group. Why am I sharing all of this? Because we are in the middle of the craziest, most depressing time in my 56 almost 57 year old life. Theatre, one of my passions, is cancelled for the foreseeable future. I have not seen my 81 year old mother, who lives in a skilled nursing facility, since March 9 and have no idea when I will see her again, and even when I will be able to visit, how safe it will be. My sister moved to Florida permanently at the beginning of June, and I miss her, and I am concerned about the lack of following rules for the Pandemic, especially in her state, and the absolute disregard for human life in this country, whether it be something so small as refusing to wear a mask to protect others or as huge as the rampant racist police brutality so prevalent in America and the blatant show of hate to anyone different than ourselves. My heart is broken, and I fell apart! So, during this time, take care of yourself. Let yourself grieve and mourn the loss of life the way you knew it, but especially, check on your "strong" friends. They may need it more than you think.

What We Are Together

In the past year I have become a very big fan of audio books. When "Books on Tape" was first a thing, I was not a big fan. My feeling was that I preferred to read on my own and give the characters the voices in my head. I didn't want to give the control of the story to the reader. About 2 years ago, I took advantage of an offer of 1 free book on Audible. I picked Talking As Fast As I Can by Lauren Graham. I picked this book for 2 reasons. I adore Lauren Graham and Gilmore Girls, and she was the reader. I thoroughly enjoyed the book and the audible experience, so much so, that often times when I was listening in the car, I would remain in the car after I reached my destination to "get to a good stopping place." Since then, I have listened to several audio books thanks to the fact that I can do it for free through the library. Before COVID-19 and my remote work situation, I was going through quite a few. Since March and "Staying home" I haven't really listened to many, but I have started listening while I am working at home. Friday afternoon I finished a book called An Absolutely Remarkable Thing by Hank Green. Hank Green is the brother of John Green, author of The Fault in Our Stars, Turtles All the Way Down, Paper Towns and many others. To my knowledge, An Absolutely Remarkable Thing is Hank's first novel. WOW!!!! As I sat in my living room taking my "lunch" Friday, I cried through the last 2 chapters. Now, I am an emotional person. A lot of things make me cry. I tear up quite often, but I think what really got to me in this book (which was released in 2018) was how much it spoke to everything we are going through right now and have been going through for most of 2020. A quote from the book, "We are each individuals, but the far greater thing is what we are together, and if that isn't protected and cherished, we are headed to a bad place." This is not a new thought or concept. "Alone we can do so little. Together we can do so much." ~ Helen Keller, "A House Divided against itself shall not stand." ~ Jesus. I could go on and on and fill this page with wisdom about Unity. The problem is we just don't seem to get it. Why have we not learned that we need to come together? I am 56 years old, and I have been through a lot of things in my time, but I am amazed at every thing we are going through right now, and the absolute disregard that people have for human life. It makes me so sad. I saw something on Facebook today, that had several statements responding to the folks who respond to Black Lives Matter with All Lives Matter.
We have not "cherished what we are together, and this, this time right now is our "bad place." How will you respond?

A Hug Emoji is Not Enough!

Once again, I am up late, night owl that I am, and I have been running through all kinds of posts on social media, tonight mostly Instagram. As you can imagine, most people's feeds and stories are filled with posts about George Floyd, and the protests and riots that have resulted from him being murdered by a white policeman. I have waited a while to write about this, because I truthfully do not know what to say. Here's the sad thing. This is nothing new. I remember sitting in my apartment in September of 1992, 9 months pregnant with my first child, watching the riots being filmed and broadcast after the Rodney King verdict was released. I couldn't believe what I was seeing! I was born in 1963, so I lived through the civil rights movement, but I was really to young to realize what was going on around me. 1992 was really the first time I saw what was going on with my own two eyes. It was so scary to me. I watched film footage of two black men going up to the cab of an 18-wheeler, opening the door and pulling the white driver out and beating him with baseball bats. I was shocked. I remember thinking, "I'm glad that's not here." But you know what else I did?...NOTHING. That was the first real event involving race that I really remember. Fast forward to 2012, and the murder of Trayvon Martin. Oh, you'll be so proud of me. I posted on Facebook about his death. I changed my profile picture to his image. I even wrote a blog post about what I thought when the verdict came down. You know what else I did?....NOTHING. Then I watched the video posted of the policeman who shot and murdered Philando Castile in 2017 (ironically also in Minnesota). This time I was very distraught. I truthfully could not believe what I was seeing. I wrote a blog post then, too. Don't worry. This one even had a tone of anger and outrage! I try to look at things logically. I try to see both sides. There is nothing worse than blabbing on and on when you don't know what you're talking about. In my opinion, you do more harm to the cause than good. This was the first time, and I am ashamed to say it, that I really saw what I didn't want to see. I didn't want to believe that this was happening. So you know what else I did?....NOTHING. I have scrolled through Facebook, and I have seen posts from my black friends and colleagues about how much they are hurting, and I started to hover, and use the "Hug Emoji, " and then I thought to myself, "Are you kidding?!? A hug Emoji? It's so trite! It's meaningless. I cannot even pretend to know what is going through any black person's mind right now, and trying to pretend that I know or can feel what they are going through is just BULLSHIT! It's not about me! I'm white. And this has nothing to do with guilt. I'm not apologizing for being white. I can't change the color of my skin anymore than a black person can change the color of theirs. What I am saying, and please hear me. I have no idea what it is like to be you. I would not even begin to say I can relate. I cannot. But I know that this cannot go on, and it needs to stop, and I want to be part of the solution, not the problem. Something has got to change. Do you know why there is a hashtag and phrasing everywhere that says black lives matter? It's because over and over this nation has proven that they don't. Sorry, plain and simple. I don't have to say white lives matter because I have never been shown that they don't. When I began this post, I looked up whether the officer who murdered Philando Castile was convicted. He wasn't. I cannot believe that any jury member who watched that video could have done anything else but convict. When I was raising my girls, and they would do something to hurt my feelings, or each others, they would always say they were sorry. My response to them was. Don't tell me you're sorry. Words mean nothing. Show me you're sorry. Change your behavior so I know that your words mean something. We can hug emoji, and hashtag all we want. We can post and say how outraged we are, and it means NOTHING! unless we change the way we act. No Justice! No Peace! Know justice! Know peace!

Mothers Day in Quarantine!

My mom, and 2 girls May of 2019

It's midnight, and Mother's Day 2020 is over. This, I'm sure, has been like no other Mother's Day has ever been for many, and I among them. Restaurants that would have had full reservation books today for Brunch and Beyond sat silent. Parks that would have held picnics and parties lay still. College Graduations that some typically hold on Mother's Day with stadiums or arenas full sat empty. No church service remembering our mother's who have passed and honoring our Mothers who are with us. Many older Mothers who live in elder care facilities, including my own, in isolation, not allowed to have visitors from the outside. No BIG celebrations today. Just typing that phrase made me think of a quote from a book we all know, "Maybe Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store. Maybe, Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more." In this case, Mother's Day is Christmas, and Corona Virus or COVID-19 is The Grinch. Everything we have gotten used to to celebrate has been taken away. All of the things mentioned above were absent today, but what can't be taken away is what we are learning from this experience. I have not seen my mother since the beginning of March. She, praise God, is still healthy, and the facility where she resides is doing everything they can to keep their residents safe, but it has been really weird to not be able to see her. We have had a really hard time with getting her to understand the technology so we can face time. Before all of this happened, when I would get really busy, I had a really bad habit of saying to my self, "I'll go next week, when things have slowed down." Then next week turned into two or three more weeks. I did see her for a very long visit just before they stopped outside visitors, but who knew that would last over 2 months and counting. Don't get me wrong. I am not about regret, but I am all about learning lessons when they are presented. We never know when we'll get the chance to see someone again. At the very least, when all this is over, My mom and I are going to have an electronics seminar so even when I do get busy, and I can't physically make it across town, I can still see her. How many people today who are lucky enough to be with their Mom sat down to a wonderful meal that everybody pitched in on? I just envision Mothers and daughters standing in the kitchen side by side cooking and laughing instead of sitting in a crowded waiting area waiting for their name to be called in an over-crowded, noisy restaurant. I'm not bashing restaurants! I love restaurants! In fact we ordered in today, but maybe people needed togetherness at home today. I guess if I want to take anything away from this weird time we are going through, it's togetherness. I know that I have always adored my 2 girls. To steal a line from Rory Gilmore, "My mother and I are freakishly linked." Some people may say that about me and my girls. We are still very close, and they are 24 and 27. I live with one, and the other has been here from NYC since March 22nd, and we are still getting along really well. We've had a few ruffles, but all in all, it's been pretty smooth sailing. That, my friends, is a true blessing. Today, I was treated to breakfast in bed, and a wonderful dinner, and we all took a ride to deliver Krispy Kreme donuts to my Mom with taped polaroids on top of the box, and we took a walk, and binge-watched Dead to Me on Netflix. But this isn't behavior that happens only today. I am treated pretty wonderful every day of the year. I have been a single Mom since 1998. I am still a single Mom, and they make sure I am taken care of, and I couldn't ask for a better gift on Mother's Day or any day for that matter. I have not always been the best Mom, I'm sure, but I have always tried my best, and I think my girls know that. They certainly know I love them. I love them enough to be honest with them even when it's hard. I love them enough to praise them when they have earned it, and not just tell them what I think they want to hear. I love them enough to trust them to do the right thing and make the right choices, and I love them enough to learn from them. Love, friends, is messy. It's not all fluff and warm fuzzies. But hopefully through all the mess you find the treasure. I know I have. Happy Mother's Day!

It Takes a Big Heart to Help Shape Little Minds

Today marks the end of Teacher Appreciation Week. I am sure, without a doubt, that this year has been the most challenging in any teacher's career. What we are going through in the education system is unprecedented. This blog post, though, is a particular shout out to one particular teacher, and, no, it isn't one of my teachers, although I could blog about many I have had. This is about the teacher that lives in my house with me. This school year, 2019/2020, was my daughter's first year as a teacher in the 2 year old class at her Dayschool. She has done an amazing job this year from the beginning in the way she made her room visually exciting (Most of the decorations were created and drawn by her), the clever crafts she did with her class of 8 2 year olds, and most importantly the love she shows each child every day. Teaching a 2 year old is not an easy job, and it is not for the faint of heart. If you are a parent, think back to the days when your child was 2 and walking and everything they were getting into, and, oh yes, potty training. Now imagine you have 8 of those little munchkins! Yeah, I thought so. I'm not saying there aren't days that are super hard for Georgi and nothing seems to go right, but she's there for those kids every day. When all of this Corona Virus stuff hit, it was a real game changer. The school closed, but the teachers still needed to provide something for their classes. That's a little bit easier if you have a child older than 2. Long distance or remote learning makes a little more sense. Two's thrive on hugs and movement and face to face contact. Georgi stepped up to the plate and poured through Youtube videos of songs to match her theme for the week, made up Grab Bags with materials and ideas for the parents to do with their children while everyone was at home. She sent out dance party suggestions, and even had me guest star on a video link to Youtube as Mother Goose on her week about Nursery Rhymes. She cares deeply for each child. Even if she wasn't my daughter, I would be thrilled if she were teaching my child or grandchild. It's a hard thing to let go of that precious cargo and trust someone else to take care of them. Georgi earns that trust every day! She dries tears, and fixes boo-boos, acts silly, and yes, also teaches them how to be decent little humans because that's part of loving too! These 8 little people will grow into some great students, but better yet kind people, and if they don't it won't be because they didn't have a great foundation. Happy Teacher Appreciation Week, Georgi. You deserve so much more than thanks!

What a Difference Three Weeks Makes

Three weeks ago tonight I was on a high. I had just closed a show that meant more to me than any other in my career. I felt like the work I had done and the success of the show took me places I had never been in my 46 years of acting, and tonight, 3 weeks later, unless I have to get groceries, I am staying in my house along with most of the world . It's called social distancing, and it's something I have never experienced in the 56 years I have been on this earth. We are all trying to do our part to "flatten the curve" of a deadly virus that has taken so many lives already, and I fear will take many more. I am sure you have read over and over again about the Coronavirus and COVID-19. That's not what this is about. I am one of the lucky ones. I am able to work from home. I have not lost my job nor any of my salary. My children are grown. They have not missed their graduation or senior prom or saying good-bye to their friends. All things considered we are very lucky, but all of this has really made me think. As I observe what goes on in the world around me, I am in awe. Mostly I cannot believe the way a large part of our country is acting about what has to be done in order to make this virus manageable, not to eradicate it, just make it manageable so we don't have to choose who will be treated because we are so overcrowded in our hospitals and have no equipment or beds to accommodate every sick person. I am sad, and my heart hurts.
I have recently gotten into books on tape. I live further from work, and I have about a 30 minute drive to and from. In the past 6 months I have listened to 2 books in particular that I want to talk about. They are The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society and The Lilac Girls. Both took place during World War II. I have always been very interested in that time in history, but I think about America then and America now. During World War II, almost every man, woman and child did their part to contribute to the effort to win the war. Women went to work in factories, and kids did scrap metal drives, and just about every male who was able couldn't wait to enlist to fight for their country. Hollywood might romanticize it a little, but they weren't far from the truth. The books I read talked about the sacrifices and conditions in England and Poland during the war. Those people did everything they could to survive, and so everyone could survive. There was no selfishness in the camps, in the occupied towns. Most were united against a common enemy. "United we stand. Divided we fall." That's not just a saying on a coffee mug. It's the truth. If we would all work together, we could help our medical personnel make it through this. Lives, unfortunately, would still be lost as in any war, but perhaps not as many. Yes, I know many of us are following all the rules, doing what our medical community is telling us to do, but I am shocked at the amount of people who are doing exactly what they want and ignoring every plea to help. Have we become that selfish? Why can't we see how lucky we are? No one is invading our homes, taking every possession we own, all of our food in exchange for ration cards. No one is dragging us into the street and shooting us because they can. We are being asked to stay home and watch television. This should not be difficult. I know that I'm preaching to the choir here. Most of my readers, I am sure, are doing their part, but if anyone is reading this who maybe thinks we're not fighting a war, WE ARE! Please, please do what you're asked. We can unite, we can come together! We have to!

And Another Thing.....

Saturday night I said good-bye to someone very dear to me. We met last summer, and over the past 8 months we have become very close. I knew when we started the relationship it would be brief, that it would end far sooner than I wanted it to, but I got into it anyway. I first met her last summer when I read about her. She sounded like the kind of person who would be really interesting. We didn't really meet face to face until about a month later, and I loved her instantly. She was sassy and funny and sweet, and I adored her. In December we started meeting for weekly get togethers, and by January we saw each other almost every day until last Saturday when I knew she had to leave and their was nothing I could do about it. I even told myself she was staying one more day just so I could make it through her exit out of my life. I am talking about Della Brady, the character I just finished playing at Richmond Triangle Players in The Cake. I have been acting for over 46 years, and I have never played anyone I knew any better than Della. A large part of the credit for that goes to an amazing director, Dawn Westbrook. Dawn started out with a tremendous confidence in my ability to play the role. She let me grow and explore and go places I've never been before as an actor, and I'm sure my performance would not have been what it was without her push and guidance, and I mean that as a good thing! An actor, unless they are in a one-woman show, plays off of each cast member, and I had some of the best starting with a lovely man I have known for years, Gordon Bass. Gordon played my husband, Tim, and from the first time we read together in auditions, it was as comfortable as if we had been married for years. We just fit, and I don't know of anyone I would have trusted more for where our scenes took us. What a joy to look into those soulful eyes each night. To quote Della, "and I thanked God because I ...had you." My antagonist was a beautiful (inside and out) actress named Zakiyyah Jackson. Our characters' relationship was a difficult one, but I couldn't have been the Della I was without her. I never enjoyed arguing with anyone more! Watch out Richmond! You're going to be seeing a lot more of this talented lady! Last, but not least, Nicole Morris-Anastasi played Jen, the "like a daughter to me" character. I have known Nicole for several years. I watched her blossom and grow in this part, and she should be very proud of what she put on that stage each night. It was hardest to keep it together when I had to say good-bye to her in our final scene. Bravo, lady!!! We also had a kick-ass crew led by stage manager, Lauren Langston, who never missed ANYTHING!!! Thanks to Darren for literally taking all the "crap" I handed him and Nora, well, you know I could not have been successful without you! Top it all off being in my beautiful bakery designed by David Ballas to make things just right. Shows, especially good ones, and this was a really good show, not just my opinion, read the reviews, are made up of a lot of different people working very hard. Add to that a wonderful, loving supportive theater with amazing people at the helm, Philip Crosby and Lucian Restivo,  and you can't miss. I have never been prouder of anything I have ever done on stage. If I never had the opportunity to act again, I am glad I went out on this one! Goodbye Della. I will miss you and The Cake, but not the cake. Pie anyone?