The Moments That Take Our Breath Away

It is a well known fact to anyone who knows me or reads this blog that I am passionate about acting. I cannot remember wanting to be anything else when I was growing up. I have been blessed to have had a fairly consistent side career as an actress for the past 38 years. I have never really addressed my philosophy or my particular style of acting before in this blog, but something happened to me last week that inspired me to share in this post. 

I have never had any formal training as an actor beyond high school drama classes and the experience I have gained under the mentoring of some fabulous directors over the years. I never studied Stanislavski or Adler. I am not "method", the classic "What's my motivation?" style. If I had to name my style, it would be "in the moment" I try, when I am onstage, to be "in the moment" always! Acting is pretending, pretending to be someone else, somewhere else. I think about my character. Who is she? What does she like? How does she sound? How would she feel? in this moment. By being in that moment, every action and sometimes, more importantly, reaction are consistent and real. If I create that real moment, then the audience isn't watching me act, they are experiencing that moment with me. I have created a world, and I have invited them into it. The more real the world is for me, the more they feel they are a part of it. 

Right now, I am playing the part of an adoring fan, Louise Seger, in Barksdale Hanover Tavern's "Always, Patsy Cline" This role is nothing but moments because except for a very few lines to "Patsy" and the band members, everything I say is directed to the audience. It needs to be real or I am sure the audience would soon bore of the long conversations I have with them. The character of "Louise" creates a world for the audience out of her memories of her friendship with Patsy Cline. She makes it quite clear how enamoured she is with Patsy and her music. At the end of the show, Louise shares with the audience the moment when she heard the news that Patsy Cline had died in a airplane crash. It is a sweet, tender moment. Most of Louise's lines in the show are fun and illicit laughter. This particular time is a side that the audience has not been allowed to see of Louise.

Barksdale Hanover Tavern is an extremely intimate theater. This plays well for this kind of show. In this particular production, after my "Louise" shares this news with the audience, I have been directed to step off of the stage and in the aisle as we all look at a solo mic, spotlighted in the center of the stage, and listen to the last notes of "How Great Thou Art". Last week as I stepped off of the stage and into the aisle, as I stood there in the dark of the theater, I felt the hand of the woman sitting in the front row on the aisle slip into mine and give it a gentle squeeze as if to say, "It's all right, Louise. I miss Patsy too. It's okay to be sad. I'm here with you." She held my hand until it was time for me to step back up on the stage. In all my years of acting, I have had many moments. I have never experienced one quite like that. It was so special to me, and one I am sure I will not soon forget. It reminds me, once again, why I do this, why I have always wanted to do this, and why I will continue to do this as long as my mind and body will let me. 

A Love Story

Yes, it's Valentine's Day, and this will be my 14th alone. Now, before anyone gets in an uproar, this is not going to be a post bashing Valentine's Day or love or romance. Quite the opposite actually. This is a love story. As a little girl I can remember looking forward to Valentine's Day. We all took our bags and proudly decorated them with construction paper hearts of red and pink, our name proudly written in the very center so as not to be missed when the valentines were dropped into the bag on that day in February. I can remember agonizing over giving just the right drugstore bought valentine to the boy I liked at the time. It couldn't say too much, but it had to say just enough that he might guess the way I felt and he might like me back too. I'd take that nearly busting bag  home and go through each valentine analyzing the signatures from the boys to see if anyone might reveal a crush by signing that tiny piece of thin cardboard with "love". Those were the days of simple innocence about the affairs of the heart.
By my high school days things were a little different. By age 16, I still had not dated anyone. I was living out the term "Sweet 16, never been kissed." That is not to say that I wasn't in love. I was!! I had fallen hard for a boy at school. Some would say it was a crush, but to me it was very real!!! I have always known exactly what I wanted, how I felt. I am very honest with myself and others. I do not play games, and lay all my cards on the table. This was not puppy love. I truly loved this boy and wanted more than anything for him to ask me out. I lived for any conversation we would have, any chance to be with him. He had no interest in me other than friendship. I refused to accept it, and held out hope. In the meantime I had a very good friend who also happened to be a guy, and ironically felt the same way about me as I did about my crush. We spent hours upon hours together talking, going to movies, out to dinner, the mall. I'm sure people thought we were a couple, but we were "just friends" This guy was a very talented songwriter, and I asked him to write me a song to sing to my crush. He did. When it came time for me to sing the song, he presented it to me. As I read the beautiful lyrics asking the listener to "read between the lines" to see what was right in front of their face, I realized those lyrics had been written not for me to sing to my crush but how the writer felt about me. I decided to open up my heart to new possibilities. Within a few days the writer and I began dating and spent many happy years together. Although the relationship didn't last "forever," it began as a romantic fairy tale, and I am so grateful for the love I experienced and shared. That love gave me the two most precious things in my life. When people experience loss, they are often asked if they could go back in time, would they change things knowing what they know now? Not a chance. For every step I have taken has lead me to  who I am today, and I can say with utmost confidence, I am very happy! Celebrate the love in your life, whether you have it now or you had it in the past. To have been loved and had the chance to give love is the greatest gift we are given.

It's the Baby's birthday.

February, with its Valentines Day, is the love month. 16 years ago I was given an amazing gift, a precious little girl, who has taught me every day what love means. I have never met anyone with more compassion. Her wisdom seems to be light years ahead of her age. I have learned so many lessons from her. For as much as my oldest daughter looks like me, my baby is me. We are so much alike, which also causes us to butt heads at times, but even though we both dig our feet in, we respect the other's opinion, and she has won me to her side more times than I'd care to admit. She's smart and talented and beautiful inside and out. I want so much for her. I want her dreams to come true, and I want her to never feel the pain of loss or suffer a broken heart, but I also know that is impossible, and in her short sixteen years she has already had her share of hurt, as she feels empathy like no one I have ever seen. People often made comment when both my girls were little about how well behaved they were, and how lucky I was. It is not luck. All I can say is if I have played any part in contributing to what she has become, I am the lucky one.
I have never been a mom who buys tons of cards or writes little notes of encouragement except for the occasional I Love You on your school lunch napkin. I speak my mind. I say what I feel in the moment, and I hope I have let her know over these past 16 years how much I love her, how I will always be there for her, and even if I don't agree with her, I will support her, that I trust her and admire her, and wish many times I was more like her. This is my birthday card to you, sweet girl. Enjoy this birthday and I hope that all your dreams come true!! And even if they don't, I know that you will handle whatever life deals you with grace and the faith to get you through. I read this quote on your status update a few days ago, and it speaks volumes about exactly who you are. How eloquent you are.
        "We have no idea what is ahead of us, we take it as it comes. Even when we get stuck in a moment when we feel like there is no possible way we could go on, the love of the Lord gives us hope to face another day. For his plans for us are greater than the dreams we have lost."

♪♫ It is well with my soul ♪♫

There is a hymn that I absolutely adore. The lyrics, in and of themselves, are phenomenal, but when you know what inspired the lyricist, this particular piece speaks volumes. Many times in life when I feel I have been hit by a barrage of suffering and pain, I have thought of this hymn. Music speaks to me, sometimes when nothing else can. These are the words that I have leaned on, time and time again:
When peace like a river attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll,
Whatever my lot,

Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well,
With my soul.


And Lord haste the day that my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll,
The trump shall resound, 
And the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well,
With my soul.


Written in 1873 by Horatio Spafford, the hymn was penned as Mr Spafford traveled across the Atlantic to join his wife who had been the sole survivor of a shipwreck of the ocean liner his family had traveled on just weeks before. He lost four daughters to the ocean waters that day. Unfortunately it was not the only tragedy he had suffered in life. He had lost his only son to scarlet fever and every real estate holding he had was destroyed in the Chicago fire. Ironically, the trip was to be a distraction for all the tragedy the family had suffered. Most, faced with such pain, would give up, rail at the heavens, but instead, Spafford writes the most beautiful hymn.

How can this be? The words do not say it is well with me. They say it is well with my soul. Our soul is not of this world. Our soul, I believe, will one day be free of all pain and suffering. Even with the magnitude of earthly suffering that Spafford endured, he knew one day, all the pain would be gone, washed away. His soul would be free. "And Lord haste the day that my faith shall be sight" Translation: My head does not understand this, but my faith tells me that one day all will be well. What AMAZING faith!!!
Why, today, am I writing about this? Because I know someone personally who had this kind of amazing faith that all is in God's hands, and who better to trust? Last week a friend of mine lost her 5 month old son. He was born prematurely with a heart defect that would require a transplant, and he spent most of his time on this earth fighting. His mother journaled every step of the way about his journey, and every entry talked about the fact that she knew all of this was in God's hands, and the awesome trust she had in Him. Even in her grief as she posted when she lost him last week, she spoke of the ending of his suffering and that his heart was now perfect. What a wonderful example and testament to others who are grieving, suffering, and at the end of their rope. I pray that all will continue to be well with your soul, and hope that all who read this today know that nothing is impossible with God.

♫♪ I Fall Asleep Counting My Blessings ♪♫

In recent days I have found myself praying for some very close friends facing major challenges in their life, some  physical, some emotional, all difficult. These people have been on my mind and heart for days. I know that not everyone reading this is a praying person, but I am, and I find that sometimes it is the ONLY thing I can do. Prayer gets a bad rap. So many believe that if they pray for something, and it doesn't happen that their prayer is not being heard or answered. Well, sometimes what we pray for is not what is supposed to be. Now, at this point, some of you are saying, then what is the use of praying? Prayer, for me, is not a time for wishes to be granted, although, there are still many times that I find myself with that list that is more suited to sending to Santa Claus rather than God. Sometimes prayer is just about comfort and guidance, especially in a difficult situation. I do not presume to know all the answers of the universe, which is precisely why I pray. I believe in a God who does. That is comforting to me. One of the situations I am praying for right now is about an infant who is literally fighting for his life. His mother journals about what is going on, and yesterday she said, "Pray for peace." What an incredible faith! Peace may come in many different forms, including the loss of her child, and the human part, the selfish part of us wants that child to stay here with us, no matter what, but staying may mean pain and suffering. I know miracles can happen. I believe that, so please don't take this that I don't have hope, I do. We all do. Hope is something we cling to in the worst of times. It has gotten me through more times than I can count. Praying for others also helps me. I find it comforting that there is a plan, that I am not holding all the cards or controlling the situation. I am able to unburden that, and that is a relief.
All of us go through trials. It is part of life, and there is no comparison when it comes to suffering. I always say suffering is relative. I always hated it, and still do, when I was or am going through something that, to me, was awful, and someone would say that things could be worse, and compare my suffering to someone else's situation that trumped my own. Yes, there are definitely people worse off than I am, but knowing that doesn't make what I'm going through any easier. When I am faced with the hardships that friends and family are enduring, it does make me examine my own life and appreciate the joys and blessings that I do have instead of taking them for granted. In the movie "White Christmas", Bing Crosby sings a song that is exactly what I am talking about. The lyrics are, "When I get worried, and I can't sleep, I count my blessings instead of sheep, and I fall asleep counting my blessings." Yes, I have had my share of suffering, but my blessings are abundant. Some of which I would not have had it not been for the suffering, blessings in disguise I guess you could say, and for that I am TRULY grateful!

50? Really?

Today my older sister turns 50. I cannot believe the years have flown by so quickly. It seems that only yesterday we were walking down the sidewalk on Kensington Avenue to our grandma and grandpa's house to spend the weekend playing outside or in the "family room", sleeping out on the enclosed back porch, riding our bikes down to Hanover Avenue and back or knocking on Debbie Reeson's door to see what mischief we could get in together or so the three of us could walk up to the Village to Roses to get some penny candy or a cherry or coke ICEE. I remember walking down the alley and being afraid of the big chow dogs thinking they were lions and swinging on the swing in Gram's backyard, well not always swinging sometimes twirling, remember? And speaking of twirling, remember the twirly chair? Lots and lots of childhood memories.
My sister and I could not be more different. I crave the spotlight, and she is more of a "behind-the-scenes" kind of gal. I am sure I have embarrassed her more than once, like the time when I was three and did the Hula at that lodge. We have gone through many things over the years. Like all sisters, we have had our disagreements and out and out fights, but I know that she is always there to lend an ear, a hand or a shoulder to cry on. She is fiercely devoted to her friends and a dedicated and loving mother, wife and daughter. She has a hard time saying "no" to anyone who needs her, sometimes when she has no more to give. She loves the sun, and her island get away each year to Aruba. I am sure if she had her wish she would live there all year long. I cannot grant that for you. If I could, I would, but for now just this little walk down memory lane, and my love. Happy 50th! Here's to 50 more!

Auld Lang Syne

Auld Lang Syne - Days Gone By. 365 to be exact. 2011 brought many things to my life. Like most of you, some were great, some not so great. I said good-bye to my childhood home - bittersweet, watched my daughter graduate from high school - also bittersweet, see her accepted into her top choice school only to find out that moneys counted on weren't coming through - bitter, moved into my own place - sweet, watched my youngest achieve her choral dreams making two of the most coveted groups in her high school - really sweet. I wasn't on stage at all in 2011, which is pretty hard for me, but I did get an amazing opportunity to direct, a first for me, and I ended the year landing a fabulous role in a play for Barksdale Hanover Tavern, called "Always, Patsy Cline" which I will be doing for the first quarter of 2012.
If I had to pick one phrase to describe 2011, it would be "A Year of Change." Changes for me, my girls, my family, and last, but certainly not least, my health. As humans, we usually resist change. Change means the unkown, and usually we fear the unknown. Often times we stay in a situation that is much worse for us simply because it is what we are used to, and eventhough taking that step toward change would make our lives so much better, we hold back, we settle. If we settle for mediocrity too long or we allow our lives to become stagnant, life, itself, rebels and FORCES us to change. When we finally take those steps toward change, the journey is so exciting and the destination so much better, we can't believe we ever settled to begin with. I am not sure what 2012 will bring. I do know it is off to a great start. I ended 2011 as a working director, and I am starting 2012 as a working actor, and for this girl, and for this moment that's exactly where I want to be.