Then They Came For Me

Survivors

70 years! What a very long time. 70 years ago, it would still be almost 20 years before I would come into this world. My mother was only 5 years old. My grandparents were 34 and 36. No, I am not writing this so that you will know the ages of my family in 1945. What happened 70 years ago today changed the world as we know it. Auschwitz, one of the Nazi's concentration camps was liberated on January 27, 1945. I cannot imagine what the remaining prisoners must have felt after the horrors they had seen and made to endure daring themselves to believe that it could all be over. How could they even imagine waking up on a morning and not wondering if this would be the day they would die or be killed? We can read memoirs and articles and books, and see movies and television shows and be absolutely shocked, but none of us will ever know what any of those people endured.
What allows someone to survive such unspeakable treatment? How can such evil exist? How can one human being treat another human being so terribly simply because they are different? I wish I had an answer. I don't. It is unfathomable to me that people could be so cruel and actually enjoy it.
This day has been designated as International Holocaust Remembrance Day. REMEMBRANCE DAY. Webster defines remember as to have or keep an image or idea in your mind of (something or someone from the past) to think of (something or someone from the past) again. According to this definition, there are very few left who can remember. I wish it were called something else. Remember seems too trivial to me. I want it to be called International Holocaust this happened, and we can never forget that it happened Day. I am so lucky to have grown up in relative comfort and without fear. So many don't. What these people were forced to do on a daily basis would have made me want to run just so that some SS guard's bullet would put me out of my misery, but so many endured, and lived to tell the story the Nazi's tried so hard to cover up. Thousands of people killed a day, a day, and one man convinced a nation it was the right thing to do. That scares the hell out of me! " The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." ~ Edmund Burke
What would have happened if one person had stood up for the right when it first started? We sit back and say, Well, it's not here. It's not happening to me. What can I do? I'm only one person?

First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not a Socialist.

Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not a Trade Unionist.

Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not a Jew.

Then they came for me—and there was no one left to speak for me.

2014..a look back.

So...it's over. The last post I wrote was about enjoying Christmas and not rushing here and there trying to cram everything holiday into the small window of time that I didn't stop to enjoy it. I am happy to say that I came pretty close to succeeding. Whether it was the fact that I didn't have time to rush around because I was working 1 full time job and 2 part time jobs or I took my own advice I'm not sure, but it was a much more laid back Christmas than I have had in years. It gave me some time to reflect on everything that has changed, some for the worse, but most for the better, in 2014. One of the most significant things that happened in 2014 was a double-edged sword for me. My baby graduated High School with honors last June. I was so proud of her, but I was also very sad. This was the end of school days for me. She has always been independent, but this marks society's definition of "no longer a child," and my role as a mother changes. This also marked the law's definition of adulthood, and child support ended in the middle of June, a day after she graduated. Because of this reduction in family income, I began to search for a part-time job, and in August I was hired to work with a local preschool with 2 and 3 year olds. I was excited but also extremely nervous. I am 51, and I haven't dealt with little ones in a LOONNGGG time! Would I be able to handle this? Would they like me? Would I be able to handle it physically? It was one of the sweetest experiences of my year. Physically, it was demanding, but 40 new little people made their way into my heart, and I will remember them for a very long time.
After working 9 years at my present job, I finally received a promotion. This, too, was a double edged sword as I was required to give up my job at the preschool. I will definitely miss the money, but it was heartbreaking to leave all those little faces. My new job is a challenge for many reasons, and I know it will take some time to settle in, but in the long run, I think it will be for the best.
In March of 2014, something very exciting happened! My oldest daughter was accepted as a transfer to a prestigious University, and would be moving back home. My little family of 3 would be under one roof again, and at the end of her very difficult first semester, she ended 2014 with all A's and B's. My youngest began college last fall and closed out the year with a 3.6 GPA. They both will do great things! They are the first 2 to go to college in our family, and I am in awe of them!
Physically, I made a big change in 2014. I decided to stop coloring my hair. I started getting gray hair in high school, just a stray here and there, but by the age of 22, the strays had grown enough for me to start coloring my hair. I have been coloring my hair dark brown for almost 30 years, but when my income reduced, I looked for any way to save money, and coloring my hair was something easy, so I stopped. The overall consensus is people love it. In fact some people think I have bleached my hair. It took me longer to get used to it, but I actually love it, and am very glad I took the plunge.

I have no idea what 2015 will hold for me. I'm a little anxious about things like finances and how the economy will affect me, but isn't everyone? I'm not really a resolution maker, but I do want to tackle 2015 with less stress, and live one day at a time. My mantra this year will be the prayer of serenity. I wish you the same!

It's Coming!

I went to bed early last night, well early for me, around 10:30. My body is used to barely 5 hours, so sleeping a full eight is almost impossible, but last night I did. If you're doing the math, 8 hours puts me up at 6:30. This week, thanks to a generous invitation by my sister, I am at the beach for Thanksgiving. The house is oceanfront, so there was a good amount of light in the room at 6:30. I checked my Weather Channel app on my phone,  6:56. I hadn't missed it. I quickly put on sweats and a sweatshirt to step out of my room onto the deck into the 35°air to watch the sunrise. There's nothing quite like sunrise at the beach. There was a thin line of clouds just above the horizon that had a pink hue as the sun teased behind them. I checked my phone, 6:40, 16 more minutes of waiting for the sun to appear. Standing in the freezing wind. Did I give up and go inside? No, I didn't.  I waited, my body huddled in a ball to keep warm, camera phone at the ready. I checked the time again, 6:53, 3 minutes. I looked out on the horizon, the to p of the ridge of clouds was on fire with gold. Standing out there alone, I got so excited! I actually said aloud, "It's coming!" I started to snap pictures as the sun rose, what seemed like, out of the ocean, and then I stopped to just watch it, right there in front of me. Let me say that again, I stopped to watch it. Today, the day after Thanksgiving,  for me, is the official start of the Christmas season.  The next  4 weeks will be jam-packed with all kinds of activities. Waiting for the sunrise today made me think how excited I used to be for Christmas. It was filled with things I wanted to do, not things I had to do. IT'S COMING! I'm really going to try this year to "stop and watch it," because, like the sunrise, it will be over before I know it, and I will have been to busy "taking pictures," to enjoy what is right in front of me.

That Could Have Been Me

Unless you live in a cave without any contact with the outside world, you know the name Hannah Graham. She is the UVA student who was reported missing more than 10 days ago. I have followed this case closely, reading every update that appears in my newsfeed. There are a lot of reasons for that, I suppose. 1. It's right up the street from me, not an hours drive away, in a town I've been to many times. 2. I've walked that mall where we have now seen surveillance video played and re-played hundreds of times 3. She is the same age of one of my own precious girls and not that much younger than my oldest. But until now, I have not really thought about writing a post. I read a post from another source, and it really got me thinking. This is tragic. It's a horrific situation, and I cannot imagine the Hell that her parents are going through right now. I am not sure I would be able to hold it together if it was one of my two cherished daughters that was missing. I do not know what the outcome will be. I fear as more and more days pass that it will not be good. The sad but true part of this is that this kind of thing happens all the time, and the more I thought about it, and after I read the article today, I had to say something. So here in my safe haven of "So...I Was Thinkin'" I will share my thoughts and feelings. Often times with tragedy we look for a lesson. We have to find something we can learn, some little piece of wisdom we can take with us to tell ourselves that the suffering produced some minute piece of something positive. I am sure that when this story first broke many of you, as did I, thought, what a stupid move. Why would she wander around dressed like that in the middle of the night drunk and ALONE? Doesn't she know what kind of world is out there? Doesn't she know that's dangerous? What was she thinking? Well, I'll tell you what she wasn't thinking. She certainly wasn't thinking that she would be the subject of every headline on every news outlet all over the US. She wasn't thinking she wouldn't make it home that night. She wasn't thinking that 1000's of people would be searching for her in the little college town of Charlottesville. You know why I know she wasn't thinking those things? Because if she was, she never would have left the party. She probably never would have taken a drink that night. In fact she may not have gone out at all. But here's the thing. She didn't know what the future held for her. None of us do! If we did, almost nothing would ever go wrong, but we don't. And most of us live with the foolish notion of That'll never happen to me or I'll be fine. I will go so far to say that we, especially women, will ignore our own minds screaming GET OUT!!! SOMETHING'S NOT RIGHT! YOU'RE IN DANGER! because we are afraid we are reading the situation wrong. This isn't really what I think it is. I don't want to offend anyone. I'm speaking from personal experience which is why I'm writing this post, and I want you to share it with everyone you know in hopes that they will not go out alone, or let their friends go out alone or get drunk or do anything that would put them in a dangerous situation.
I'm going to share something here that I have told very few people outside of immediate family, mostly because I made some colossally stupid mistakes, and I am embarrassed, and here's the important thing, and I am not being dramatic when I say this. I AM LUCKY TO BE ALIVE! Around 30 years ago, I answered an ad posted in the Classifieds of the Richmond Newspaper to apply with a modeling agency who was looking for Plus Sized models. I was asked to send some full body pictures in different outfits, formal, daywear, sportswear, etc. At the time I was married, and my husband took the pictures, and I sent them in, and a woman contacted me for an interview. I was beyond thrilled! Me! a Model! I had the address, and I was going that afternoon. These were the days before cell phones. I had to get to the interview, and I did not have time to call my husband to tell him I was going. I was given the directions, and I headed out. NO ONE knew where I was going. I told No One. I followed all the directions, and they were leading me into an apartment complex. If you were watching this story as a movie, right now you'd be thinking this looks sketchy. My brain told me that too, but I overrode it, and told myself perhaps there was an office building behind the apartment complex, and I drove on. There wasn't. I pulled up to the address. It was an apartment. Movie audience you is thinking right now, she's not going in there, is she? Once again, my brain said, this isn't right, but I overrode that thought and got out of the car to look for the modeling agency sign on the door (as if that would legitimize the situation) There was no sign on the door. It was a regular metal apartment door. If you're waiting for me to turn around, get back in my car and leave, you'll be waiting a long time. I knocked on the door, and a man answered. As I looked in, I was hoping the apartment had been converted to an office. It wasn't. The dining room table was directly in front of me, and there were salt and pepper shakers on the table. There was also no one else in the apartment, specifically, no women. Ok, get ready to groan, Movie Audience You.  I walked in , and he shut the door behind me. The first thing he offered was an explanation as to why I was in an apartment and not an office. They (the Agency) had found that office buildings were just not accommodating enough to do a successful photo shoot. The interview began. I was on the couch and he across from me on a chair. I was nervous. Remember what I said about our bodies screaming at us, but as the interview went on, I became more relaxed, and I told myself how silly I was being. This was a legitimate interview. He hadn't tried anything. He was asking the appropriate questions. Then he said they'd like to hire me. Wow! I'm going to be a model! Then he told me he just needed to get my measurements, and if I would step back into the bathroom and take my dress off because to get the most accurate measurements, they needed to be taken in my bra and underwear. He then walked out of the living room and back to the back of the apartment. Movie audience you is now yelling, GET OUT OF THERE! WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? My mind was telling me that too. I could have just gotten up and walked out the door. I didn't. I walked back to the bathroom and did exactly what he had asked me to do. I stood there in a Maidenform royal blue, bra and pantie set while a complete stranger took my measurements. When he was through, he asked me to get dressed and come out to the living room. As I closed the door and got re-dressed I felt sick to my stomach. I walked out to the living room. He was still in the back bedroom, and yes there was a bed in the bedroom. I yelled back toward the back of the apartment, "Do you have a phone I could use?" His reply, "Why, is someone waiting for you?" Me: "I need to pick my grandmother up from work." I called my grandmother to say I would be a little bit late. Before he came back up, I told him I needed to go. He asked, still from the back, if I wanted to finish the interview. I just repeated that I needed to go, and I left. The whole ride to my grandmother's office I could barely breathe. I felt stupid and ashamed and lucky and relieved all at once. It's that feeling you get when you're just about to cry, but you don't. They contacted me a couple times by phone to ask if I wanted to work for them. I declined. Here's the kicker. 2 years later I'm watching the news, and a picture comes up on the screen of "my interviewer" He had been arrested for taking indecent pictures of minors in his apartment. Anything could have happened to me that day. I could have been raped or killed, and no one would have known what happened or where I'd gone or if they would ever see me again. I could have vanished into thin air just like Hannah Graham. If we were all honest with ourselves, we all have a story like that. We've all ignored reason at one time or another about any kind of situation and later, we said, "Wow! I'm lucky to be alive!" Why did I share that incredibly embarrassing story of my extreme stupidity? Because I want everyone that reads this to learn to be smart and above all to take better care of ourselves and trust our inner thoughts and feelings. If you feel like it's wrong, It's Wrong! Don't find yourself in a situation you cannot get out of. Please don't be another story or headline on the news.

21 and 364 Days

At the beginning of this month I took a part-time job at a day school working as an assistant to 2 year olds to help make ends meet. The first day I walked in, the Assistant Director commented that I looked terrified. Truth be told I was. After all, I hadn't even been around a 2 year old in 16 years. That's a really long time, and I am not 34 years old anymore, but then she said something that was so true, "You'll be fine! They just need some extra loving." I have now been working there for 3 weeks, and I adore all of them. It thrills me when they see me in the afternoon and run to hug me, or hear them try to pronounce "Miss Terri" in their sweet little voices. They are amazing in what they do, and I marvel at how smart they are and how quickly they learn things. It has also make me think of my own daughters who are way past two but still my babies. One of those babies will turn 22 tomorrow. 20 years ago, she was the two year old. , and I was a stay-at-home Mom, and I was teaching her the alphabet on a Magna Doodle. I can remember sitting in the living room in the big ice blue recliner drawing each letter and asking her what it was, thrilled when she got it right, even when I mixed them up. I was already so proud! She was so gracious and thoughtful of others. At her 3 year birthday party dressed in a little red dress from the Disney Store with Minnie Mouse on the front and her long brown hair tied back in a half ponytail she was walking around the room with a bowl of potato chips almost as big as she was telling each guest, "Everyone, have a chip." I had taught her to do impressions, yes, you read that right, impressions. Mrs. Doubtfire saying "Helllooooo", Ray Charles, rocking back and forth saying, "Georgia, Georgia," and my favorite Clint Eastwood. We would say to her, "Do Clint Eastwood," and she would close her eyes until they were slits and say, "May my day!" She was good as gold. In fact, once I left her in time-out for 30 minutes because I got a phone call and forgot she was sitting there because she was so quiet and still. She has always loved Disney movies. My hand to God, when she was 3 months old, she laid on her stomach beside me on the couch and watched every frame of Beauty and the Beast. Anytime she was upset, all I would have to do is begin singing, ♪♫ Little town, it's a quiet village. Every day like the one before...♫♪ and she would immediately stop crying and just stare at me as I was singing. Now, tomorrow she will begin her 22nd year on this earth. So much has happened in these last 2+ decades. I am so proud of her still. She began her Junior year in college this year as a Theatre major and has already been cast as one of the leads in the Fall musical. She's really talented, and she knows what she wants, and I know she will go after it, and if anyone will achieve their dream she will. I mean, she has to, right? How can we waste such endearing talk show fodder for an interview? I can't wait to see what's around every corner for her, and I am so glad she lets me be a part of the ride! Happy birthday, Leanna Moore! Mommy loves you!

There's a Difference Between Vengeance and Justice

In the last 6 months 2 people that I know have gone through situations where someone has done something against them that is the very definition of injustice. I am not going to divulge details as I don't want to expose either of them as they are friends. Both are very devout Christians. I mention that fact not to say that Christians don't deserve anything bad happening to them or they shouldn't suffer or they should have special treatment. I mention that becuase I want to address the way both have reacted to their situations. In both of these instances and events in these people's lives, they, by every reasonable standard have been wronged. They are unquestionably in the right! There is no gray in either of these situations, but both have decided not to seek justice. They are leaving it "up to God." Now, I realize that I am stepping in a steaming pot of hot water right now, but I am puzzled by their actions. I am not presuming that God does not know what's best in either situation. I'm sure He does, but I also believe in a God that does not expect us, as His followers, to roll over and play dead waiting for Him to swoop in and claim justice. If someone has done wrong, they deserve punishment. We as humans need to abide by laws and rules, whether they are actual laws on the books or moral laws that decent human beings need to follow so that we can live in a civilized world. Yes, I know, "Vengeance is mine, sayeth the Lord!" But simply seeking restitution or requesting that the offending party do what is right is NOT VENGEANCE! Why do we allow someone to cause us harm or distress or leave us in a terrible situation claiming that God will take care of it. Maybe the way God wants to take care of it is to give us the strength and wisdom to take care of it. I will use myself as an example. When I and my two children were left penniless, and I do mean absolutely no money or job or even a car when my ex-husband decided to leave, I did not sit and say God will take care of this and do nothing. I couldn't! Somehow I needed to find a way for my children to eat and have shelter and care. I went after what was right and just. God certainly helped by providing me with a lawyer who took my case without charging me a cent. If I had not taken any action, I shudder to think what would have become of the three of us. What I did was not an act of vengeance. Vengeance would have been if I sought him out to do him harm. I went after justice. People should be made to do what is right. If not, where is the lesson in that? What consequences are suffered? We teach our children from a very young age right from wrong and that when we do something to others, we need to make it right. We do not let our children grab a toy from another child and as that child is crying say "God will take care of it." God is not going to reach His hand down and give that toy back to the child who had it first. If we do not intervene, child 1 is left crying and child 2 goes on believing that what they did was fine. Why do we suddenly forsake those rules as we become adults? Why is no one held accountable for their wrongdoing? Call me crazy, but I don't believe that Christianity is a "doormat" faith. I think my faith is an active one, and I will continue to pray for guidance and help to do what is right whether it be for me or someone else. I don't believe that God wants me to be some crazed vigilante, but I do not believe that He wants me to let people go and stand idly by while they do an injustice to me or someone else.

Listen to Your Heart

On July 28th I wrote a post about a little heart scare that I had, and my preliminary diagnoses from the doctor. Yesterday, FINALLY, I went in for my stress test. I have to say I was a little nervous. I'm in fair shape, but I've never had one of these before. I had visions of passing out or not being able to do it at all, or, the worst of all, what if I had to run? YIKES!!! I jokingly tell people I don't run unless some one's chasing me. But early yesterday morning I made my way to the Cardio Vascular Specialists and got all hooked up and started on the treadmill. If you've never had a stress test, a little explanation. You are exercising so that your heart rate will elevate. I was told that they needed to get my heart rate over 145. A normal resting heart rate is somewhere between 60 and 100. The reason they need to raise your heart rate is to see how your heart tolerates exercise. You start out easy at a slow rate and gradually they raise the incline and increase the speed. As soon as you reach your target rate you have to quickly lie down on a bed and they take ultrasound pictures of your heart. The first two stages, not too bad. The third was close to jogging, and it was becoming a little harder to breath normally. Luckily I reached my target pretty close into Phase 3, and I got to stop. The doctor looked at the pictures, and I was told that everything looked good. My heart tolerates exercise well, and that there was no sign of heart attack or any active blockage. Excellent news! So what was the jaw pain back in July? Not sure. The good news is it wasn't a heart attack or a warning sign of anything else heart related. Maybe it was just the aches and pains of getting older. The important thing is that I got it checked out. We have to listen and pay attention to our own bodies, and, unfortunately, sometimes we have to push to make sure the doctors are doing everything they are supposed to be doing, and they are not becoming the DISMISSERS. In the past few years, I have had 2 friends who were diagnosed with cancer, but both had to push further for treatment because they knew something was wrong, something wasn't normal. My generation tends to just accept whatever we are told about our medical condition. I think, well he's the doctor. He should know. But there are incompetent doctors just like there are incompetent teachers, plumbers, lawyers, and the list goes on and on. Think Frank Burns from M*A*S*H. So, listen to your heart or your stomach or your breast or your brain. Because nobody knows your body better than you do.