On the Flip Side

For my readers that don't know me, I am considered, in palatable terms, big and beautiful, curvy, or plus sized. I have struggled with weight issues most of my life. I have yo-yo'ed up and down the scale, and been on more diets than I can count. Let's face it. Even though we live in a country that has a massive amount of the population considered overweight, the world is not made for us. Blah, blah, blah. You've heard it all before. It is a concern of mine, and I have a lot to say about it, but this post is not about that. It's a different kind of body image concern. I have 2 beautiful daughters. My youngest is very petite in every way. She takes after my grandmother who never grew to over 5 feet. At 20, Georgi is 5'1" tall, and that is where she will stay. In the past 7 or 8 months, she has lost a healthy amount of weight. She looks amazing! She has worked hard to eat healthy and get fit. She works out and not in an obsessive way, but a healthy amount. She has an adorable figure, and I am so proud of her. She lost weight, something this country is consumed with, by the way, (US News and World Report puts the cost at over 60 billion dollars a year) but because she wasn't fat to begin with, or what we think of as fat, all kinds of interesting things started to happen.

About 5 years ago, I lost almost 50 lbs. Now, I certainly needed to lose weight, and I lost it under the advice of my doctor. People praised me, told me they were proud of me, and that I looked GREAT. Some even told me they looked at me as an inspiration. Yay! for me, right? At 50 lbs. gone, I still could have lost 50 more, and been at a healthy weight, but everyone's reaction to me was positive, encouraging and re-enforcing. Georgi met with different reactions after just losing a little over 30 lbs. It started with a family member who jokingly, and I use the term loosely because it wasn't funny, asked her if she was bulimic or anorexic. Countless people have come up to her  and me at church or at events and made a comment of how thin she was and asked was she going about it in a healthy way. No WOWs! No You look great! No pride. All negativity. All skepticism. Why? because she's petite to begin with? Because she wasn't "fat" she has no right to work out and get healthy? STOP! Don't answer those questions. IT DOESN'T MATTER! The point here is why do people feel the need to comment at all? How dare you come up and imply that, because she is at a great weight, and looks great in her clothes, and except for the fact that she's 5'1",  she could probably walk any runway, she's going about it in an unhealthy way. That would have been like people coming up to me before I started to lose my weight or even now and say, "Gosh, you're so fat! Are you being healthy?" No one would think of doing that!!!! Why do they feel it's justified to ask that of Georgi? It is just plain rude. It is insulting to Georgi and all of us that live with her and love her that she would take that path, and that we would let her. Here's a wonderful idea! Let's stop commenting about each other's bodies all together. Fat, thin, skinny, overweight, it's really nobody's business but our own. We should never feel ashamed about the way we look, so don't make us!

The Amazing World of the Bubble People

No, this is not the beginning of a science fiction novel. I had the day off of work on Friday, and as I was sitting in a restaurant, thankfully finished eating and getting ready to leave, in the booth behind me and my daughter, loud enough so that I could hear clearly, and I am sure, at least every booth and table in the immediate vicinity as well, the girl was speaking to the other girl who was with her. Now, that, in itself, isn't bad at all, but then I began to hear words and phrases that were less than appetizing, like "infection in the mucous" and "cleaning out wounds" and the more I could hear, the more shocked I became. My daughter and I could not get out of the restaurant fast enough, and I felt sorry for the people who were still held captive as she read her all too specific medical email to her lunch companion. I was appalled. As I walked to the car, I loudly asked, "What is wrong with people?" What is wrong with people? Each day I witness something so selfish or self-absorbed that I think, it can't possibly get any worse. We have become a society of Bubble People. Everyone operates as if they are in their own little bubble. They say what they want, do what they want, act how they want without a care or concern as to who they affect around them. It happens in restaurants, on the road, in theaters, waiting rooms, EVERYWHERE! A couple of years ago I sat in a doctor's waiting room hearing every detail of how this woman had discovered her husband was cheating that morning. I had nowhere to go. Nowhere to escape, much like the poor people in the restaurant who had to listen to stories of infection and mucous while they were trying to enjoy their chicken tenders or potato skins. I have wondered whether one day I will be shot coming out of a movie theater because I will shout out in a darkened theater to the rude ass who will not stop talking to SHUT UP! What has happened to modesty, discretion, decorum and just plain manners? I guess some people think  manners are old fashioned. I am not talking about using the right fork. I am talking about, as my grandmother used to say, minding our P's and Q's, being polite and kind to others. Thinking before we speak We need to return to a society that cares about each other, and not just for show. If it's a big cause with a telethon, we're all on board. We're good at the flashy, splashy caring. I'm just talking about the wave of the hand as a thank you when I let you into traffic. Now, I know there re plenty of caring people in the world.  I just wish the jerks weren't rolling over the rest of us! If you're with me people, let's start popping some bubbles!

A Follow Up on Mike

Yesterday I wrote a blog about how my pituitary tumor, christened Mike Wazowski by me, was not totally gone. I feel like there were some conclusions drawn because I was unclear. So, if I can't clear up my brain right now, I do want to clear up the understanding of what I'm experiencing and hopefully help others who are going through this. Let me say this right off the bat. THIS IS NOT CANCEROUS IN ANY WAY, SHAPE OR FORM!! Pathology was done on the original Mike, and he is benign. Also, from my understanding, this didn't grow back, it was leftover, so to speak. That doesn't mean it won't grow. That's what the follow up MRI's are for. Speaking of the MRI's, I do have insurance, and they are covered, but my cost is $750 at least, which, to me, might as well be the $2400 because I can't afford either. I am not worried! God has taken care of me to this point. He's not going to stop now. He has sent me a legion of angels in all of you, my friends and family. So if Mike is going to stick around, he's got a fight on his hands! Blessings and love to you all! ❤❤❤❤

I Thought You Were Gone, Mike!

A month ago I posted the results of my follow up with the eye doctor after my tumor was removed, and the results were amazing, even by his standards. Almost all of my peripheral vision has been restored, and still could improve more with time. Yay! I guess such great results kind of set me up on a mountaintop about this whole experience that it’s all over, and life is, once again, back to normal, or as normal as my life is. Not so, my friend. Last week I had my follow up with the neurosurgeon after my New Year’s Eve MRI, 2 months post tumor removal. I looked at the CD they give you. It definitely looked different and that hole was no longer full of the big white spot as you see in the picture, but I have no idea what I’m looking at. As I sat in Dr. Sahni’s office last week waiting for him to come in, I was imagining what he’d say:

Dr. Sahni: Well, Miss Moore, the tumor is totally gone. Dr. Astruc says your vision is almost completely back to normal, so unless you have any problems, I’ll see you in a year. Nice to meet you. Good luck!

That’s not exactly how it went. It’s nothing earth shattering, but there is still some of the tumor left. It is now in the bottom of the cavity where my pituitary gland lives and far away from my optic nerves, so nothing is being affected. It’s just sitting there, and it might just sit there forever, which would be the preferred scenario, but it could also grow back. Cue sound effect of Boos and hissing from the crowd. Apparently it was huge! In fact, Dr. Sahni said that many surgeons would not have removed it by the method mine was removed, through the nasal cavity. It would have been the “movie version” of brain surgery, shaved head, boring into the skull, through the brain stuff. As large as it was, and given the way it was removed, the doctor could not be overly aggressive because that could have caused some permanent damage. So, I am sure you are wondering what happens now. Well, you are if you’re still reading this. In 4 months I have another MRI, cha ching $$, $2400.00, to see if it has grown. If it has, we do the whole thing all over again, or if it hasn’t, we wait, the word everybody loves to hear. In another four months from July we do another MRI, cha ching $$, another $2400, to see if it’s grown, if it still is just sitting there, as my grandmother used to say, like a bump on a log, we wait 6 months, and you guessed it, another MRI. It seems Mike Wasowski just couldn’t bear to leave his Boo. But this isn’t a Disney movie, and I would have preferred for Mike to have just walked back into that closet and shredded my door for good! 

What a Difference 3 Months Makes

Yesterday I had an appointment with an opthamologist. I am 52 years old, and I have never had a need for an ophthalmologist until about 4 months ago. Another eye doctor had diagnosed me with macular degeneration, and I was getting a second opinion. If you follow this blog,you know what happened. I had a brain tumor. When I saw the doctor, they did a field of vision test. If you don't know what that is, you have a patch over one eye, and you stare down this tunnel to a little pinprick of light. Every Time you see a flash of light, you press a clicker with your thumb. It's like a psychedelic form of Jeopardy! When you're through the machine gives you a printout of how vast your field of vision is. I had virtually no peripheral vision. Fast forward 3 months. The tumor has been removed. Time to play Psychedelic Jeopardy! again. I got all my vision back in my left eye, and there is only a small affected spot in my right. And even that, the doctor says,will probably still improve. He was so pleased. He Said he had never seen such marked improvement in so short a time! When I saw the comparison, I couldn't believe it. Not so much the improvement, but how bad it was. As we were talking,I told him how I had put off the surgery for 2 weeks because I had to finish the run of a show I was in. He asked me if I found it difficult to do the show. I thought he meant physical limitations. I said I could see well enough that it didn't affect me. He said that he meant having a hard time focusing because I was worried. I told him I wasn't worried. He asked me if my girls were like me, so laid back about the whole thing. I told him we all were. I figure whatever is going to happen is going to happen, and there isn't a whole lot I can do about it but deal with what comes. I guess some people think I'm stupid or a fool, but God's taken care of me all my life, good and bad. I hardly think He's going to stop now. I'm not going to get preachy, just telling it like it is for me. Terri's brain and eyesight, 1...Tumor, 0.

No More Teens

Today marks the 20th birthday of one of the best people I know. She's smart and beautiful inside and out. She is brave and fearless, and battles things daily that I will never face the rest of my life. She is giving and one of the most selfless people you will ever meet. If you know her, your life is richer for that. If you don't know her, you need to, because you will have gone through life missing out on one of the greatest gifts you could receive, her friendship. I am talking about my youngest daughter. On a bitterly cold day on February 1, 1996, I set out to the hospital to have my baby, the second child for me. Growing up I can't remember dreaming of being a mother. I can't even recall mothering a doll when playing house, but I would not trade my years as a mother for anything! I have seen so many mother/daughter relationships that have no communication beyond obligatory "how was your day?" and "do you have homework?" I have had in depth discussions about everything, and I mean everything with Georgi, and I have learned so much from her. When most 20 year olds cannot wait to get out of the house,away from their parents, we have discussions about how we want to decorate the house we live in together. Some people think that's weird or unnatural. You know what I think? They are jealous and wish they were so fortunate as I. I received a text from her just this past Friday. It said simply, "Thank you for being amazing!" My response: "Why am I amazing?" Hers back to me: "You just are." I must have done something right. I love you so much, little girl! Happy Birthday!

Obligatory New Year Title

This post will be dated January 2, 2016, but I am actually writing it before I go to sleep on New Year's Day. Somehow that seems to be indicative of my life in 2015, not quite able to do things exactly when they needed to be done. What I seemed to learn from that this year is that things don't always work out, and adjustment is the name of the game. There were several firsts for me in 2015. I began the year in rehearsals for a college production of "Funny Girl," playing Mrs. Brice. I never went to college, so this was a new experience for me. I must say it would have been much easier if I had been college age. To put it mildly, they work you to death, lots of long rehearsal hours. I was hired as a costumer for the first time for a community theater production of one of my favorite Neil Simon comedies, "Come Blow Your Horn." I really enjoyed doing it. I must not have done too bad a job because I was asked to costume the show that followed. The adjustment here was that I was also performing in a show that was opening the same weekend as the one I was costuming. Note to self: Never do that again! Luckily, my youngest was helping me, and took over when I couldn't be there anymore. The biggest "first" for me in 2015 was brain surgery, not a metaphor, actual brain surgery. If you read this blog you know that I had a pituitary tumor removed the end of October. Talk about adjustment! The neurosurgeon said that the tumor had probably been growing for 10 years. Of course you want something like that out of your body, but there are all kinds of things that happen once it's out that you don't think about. More adjustments, adjustments mostly to hormonal changes. I never really bothered to think about what the tumor was doing to my pituitary gland as the vision changes because of the pressure on my optic nerve are what led to the discovery, but the pituitary gland controls all the hormones and body temperature and all kinds of other things. For instance I still don't have my full sense of smell back, and randomly I will start smelling fresh paint. I have hot flashes, and other menopausal type things. Been there, done that, got the T-shirt. All in all I'm certainly thankful to have the tumor gone, but I wonder how long I will need to adjust. I ended the year and will begin 2016 with another first. I auditioned actors for my first foray into directing professionally. I am excited about this one, but also anxious as I adjust to sitting behind the table and not being on stage.
2016 will hold the biggest first for not only me, but my whole family. My oldest will graduate college in May. She will be the first ever to do so in our family. I am so proud of all she is doing and will do. Because I work for the University she attends, I will actually get to hand her her diploma. There will be much adjustment made that day as I try to keep it together in the awesome emotion of that moment. I am sure there will be many more issues that arise from the aftermath of brain surgery in 2016, but I have a ton of supportive fiends and an amazing family to help me through. I know I can face it well adjusted! Happy New Year!