Not What I Expected

Well, ladies and gentlemen, tomorrow will mark a week since round 2 of brain surgery. Before going in last week, I thought, this won't be as bad. At least I know what to expect this time. I got through it before without many issues, this should be the same....right? As my drama teacher used to say when we flippantly assumed something, "WRONG!" Yes, I was going in for the same procedure, a transsphenoidal hypophysectomy, something my nurses must not have known right away while prepping me for surgery last Wednesday morning because they kept talking about someone coming in to do my fiducicials - something used to help in surgery if it were being done cranially. It wasn't, and, thank God, they figured that out. They rolled me down to do a CT, then an MRI before I ever went into surgery. I don't remember much after that. It was probably around 9:30 in the morning when surgery finally began. I probably woke up in recovery around 8pm that night. Yes, if you read anything previous to this, it was MUCH longer. Why?, you may ask. Well, they removed as much of the leftover tumor from last year and drained and removed the cyst that had developed, and closed me up. Then they wheeled me into the MRI room, while still under anesthesia to check to see if anything else was left. There was. Back to the operating room to open me back up and do a little more house cleaning, essentially 2 procedures for the price of 1. So, about 11 hours later, surgery was over. This compared to approximately 5 hours last year. What does that matter?, you might say. I am finding a whole hell of a lot. First of all, my throat hurt terribly from having the intubation tube in it for so long. This made swallowing almost excruciating. Consequently, this made eating extremely difficult. Added to that, just like before, my entire nose and nasal cavity was packed. No breathing through the nose. If you've ever had sinus issues and been all stopped up, you know what it's like trying to eat and breathe at the same time. Sleeping was a whole other issue. The first night I woke up every 10 minutes as breathing through my mouth caused EXTREME dryness. The roof of my mouth also hurt from the intubation tube, so trying to close my mouth and swallow with next to no saliva was a real chore. The next night got a little better. I only woke up every 20 minutes, and by the third day I actually took a nap sitting up for almost an hour. By Saturday I was allowed to come home, but to my disappointment, I still had to keep my nose packed until Monday. I was devastated. Last time, my surgery was on Tuesday, and my packing came out on Friday. I guess it could have had something to do with the fact that they actually rooted around twice in there and had to make sure healing was well on its way. Finally, joy of joys!, yesterday (Monday) my packing came out. You cannot know how happy I was, aside from the fact that it feels like your brain is really coming out through your nose. I CAN BREATHE AGAIN! I am still sleepier than normal, and my throat still hurts, but things are getting better day by day. I will have a follow up visit with my neurosurgeon on November 29th. After that I will have an MRI in mid January to see if everybody is finally OUT. Spoiler Alert: It seems there is some that is attached to a blood vessel, and I may still need Gamma Knife Surgery (pinpointed radiation) to remove that, but we will cross that bridge if we come to it. For now, I am thinking that Mike and his "cysta" are finally gone, and I will continue to heal. Thank you all for your good thoughts, prayers and surrounding me with love and light. I am not out of the woods yet, but I'm in a nice clearing for now.

What've They Got That I Ain't Got?

It was exactly  a year ago that I headed down to Johnston Willis Hospital in the dark to have a tumor removed from my brain. I didn't know what to expect. Was there going to be a lot of pain? How would I feel afterward? Anesthesia makes me nauseous. What if I got sick after surgery? If I wasn't allowed to sneeze, I am sure it would not be good if I had to throw up after the surgery. All these questions. But... I wasn't worried, and I guess this is what this post is about. I don't worry about things like this. They are what they are, and whatever happens is going to happen, and there's not a whole hell of a lot I can do about it. A week from tomorrow on November 2nd I will be making the same trip to the hospital for the exact same procedure. If you read this blog, you know the details. I am not worried. Again, it is what it is. This has to be done. Let's do it. Friday night I was talking to a friend, and she made the statement, "You're being so brave." I don't see myself that way. I guess it may look that way to others, but I see bravery as the person who runs into the burning building, the policeman, the fireman, the cop, the soldier, not me.
“Bravery is a willing decision to do what must be done. Fear is a cancer that is cured only by doing what must be done, backed by an intelligent, open mind.” 
― Corey Aaron Burkes
There is no choice in this matter. What is the use in worrying? I have friends and family and even strangers who are praying for me and surrounding me with light and love. What could be better? I have a faith that God will take care of me in His way as He sees fit, and who am I to question His motives?  Do I want to do this again? Am I happy about it? Make no mistake on how I feel about that one. No, I do not want to do it again! But I am, and that's really life, isn't it, doing things we don't want to do because they have to be done mixed with things that bring us joy? Whatever you are facing, big or small, find your courage in knowing it has to be done and moving forward. And do not compare your problems with others. Suffering is relative. The next time someone tells you, "It could be worse," or "At least it's not______." Smack them in the mouth, well, maybe just smile and say, "You're right," while envisioning smacking them in the mouth. Just because someone else is going through something worse than you are, does not make you feel better. You have the strength to get through. A little worse for the wear on the other side, but also wiser, and better for getting through it. See you on the other side.

And So, Here I Am Again.

I am relatively sure that if a survey were taken of several hundred people asking them to list 10 things they feel uncomfortable or embarrassed doing, I would bet that asking for help would appear somewhere on that list. No one wants to ask for help. It starts when we are little and learning to walk. We want to do it ourselves. Then in grade school we don't raise our hand to ask a question or say that we don't understand the material for fear of being judged or thought of as stupid. As we become adults we find it hard to ask for help when we are struggling because society has taught us that we must learn to stand on our own 2 feet. Asking for any kind of help is hard, but when money is the issue, it becomes unbearable! 

Almost exactly a year ago I found myself in a situation I never thought I would be in. I had been diagnosed with a brain tumor, technically a pituitary tumor, but it was in the middle of my brain, so brain surgery was required. I had lost ALL of my peripheral vision because the tumor was pressing on my optic nerves. I had no idea how I was going to afford the astronomical medical costs and loss of wages that having this surgery would cause. And before you ask, yes I do have insurance, but 30% of a $229,000 hospital bill, even when it is cut down to the "reasonable and customary" charge was something this single mom could not even fathom of how to come up with the money to pay. I am not an extravagant person. I never really have been, but when I became the single mother of 2 girls ages 2 and 5, frugal became my middle name. I have no savings as eating was more important to us. We rarely take vacations because we can't afford them. I am not saying all this to solicit a pat on the back. I want to share that I am not a frivolous person when it comes to money. See, there's that fear of being judged rearing it's ugly head. Last year my youngest daughter started a GoFundMe page to help with my medical expenses and to help with my loss of wages while I was recovering. I was humbled to say the least. Friends and strangers came to my aid. I was so grateful. Never in a million years would I have thought last year that I would be going through all this again, but I am. The Reader's Digest version is that there was some of the tumor left. When the neurosurgeon describes the tumor as "huge" you know it must have been a bear. I knew that eventually I might have to have that removed if it grew, but about a month ago I was devastated to learn that I had now developed a cyst in the same area, and it is already affecting my vision. This has changed everything. I was planning to wait so I could save up vacation and sick time to avoid loss of wages. Maybe I could save a little money or get a part time job to bank some to help with expenses, but now I am right back in the same boat and can't do either of those things because of the quick pace at which we have to move to get the tumor and cyst out. My surgery is scheduled for November 2nd. Added to that they are doing the procedure this time with an "inter-operative MRI" to make sure ALL of the tumor is gone before I come out of the operating room. I found out today that because of that I will need an additional MRI before I go into surgery to make sure that process runs smoothly. I am still trying to find the money to pay for the MRI done last summer that revealed the cyst. Just to give you an idea, each MRI costs me $750.00. The hospital bill will cost into the thousands, and because of recovery time, I may lose anywhere from $500.00 to $1000.00 in wages, not to mention that last year my "disability" income did not even get approved until well after I had returned to work. As we all know, bills don't wait. they are due when they are due. I'm not going to go on and on, and I am not trying to make this sound like a sob story. The long and short of it is that I am asking for help again. I wish I didn't have to, and if I win Publisher's Clearing House, I will make sure to let everyone know and give any GoFundMe money to charity, but until that happens, I will need money to hopefully get this thing in my brain to leave and STAY GONE this time. 

I know so many of you that read this blog helped me last time, and I will never be able to tell you how grateful I was and still am. Let me say thank you in advance to anyone who chooses to help now, and my greatest wish is that some day I will be in the financial position to pay it forward 1000 times over. The link to the page is above, but I will post it here again. Thank you. I love you all!

https://www.gofundme.com/b26dhnqu# 

24 on the 24th

As of the very first typing of this entry it is 12:00 AM on September 24, 2016. This is a very special day in my life. For one reason, this is the day my parents chose to marry back in 1960, and because of that day, I was eventually born. So, in essence, because of September 24th, 1960 and what happened on that day, I am here. Because I was born, the second special thing happened on this day. On September 24, 1992, I had a baby girl. So much has happened since she came into the world 24 years ago. She began life with 2 parents who were married. She was an only child. She had 2 aunts and an uncle, 4 grandparents, and 1 great-grandparent. Today she faces life raised by a single mom. She has lost 2 grandfathers and her great grandmother. She has gained a sister with whom she grew up as best buds, a cat that she loves fiercely, a college degree and just recently her very first car she bought on her own.  She has faced more trials than most young women her age, and life has not always been easy, but she has never given in. She has persistently gone after what she has wanted in life. Today she is a professional actress having secured a job with Va-Rep's touring company. She has wanted to be an actress most of her life, and she is. I know she knows how lucky she is to be able to say that. I always told her that she needed to make a decision. She could go after 2 things as an actress. She could go after fame or making her living, but they were not necessarily the same thing. Would she love to be accepting an Emmy, Oscar or Tony in the next 5 years? Sure! But..going to a job everyday that she loves is just fine for now. She will leave for "the road" on September 29th, and will be gone most of the fall. She will see a good portion of the East Coast and visit many places that she has never been. I am so excited for her, and I have to say, a little envious. But I am definitely proud of her. I cannot say it enough! What an adventurous 24 years, but one thing I know for sure, the next 24 will be just as adventurous if not more so. With this birthday you begin your first official year as a full fledged grown-up. No more school! This is real life, kid! I have no doubt you're going to kick its ass! Happy Birthday, sweet girl! I love you!

Mike's "Cysta" is Already a Problem Tennant

Back in the middle of July I wrote an entry with an update on my tumor (Mike Wazowski). I know several of you have been following my progress through this whole tumor/brain surgery ordeal that started a little less than a year ago. Wow! That's hard to believe that it's been almost a year since the exisitence of Mike was first discovered. So much has happened in these last 10 months. When one is told that they have a tumor it strikes a chord. No matter what is said after that, you have this initial feeling of dread. It is probably because we've watched too many scenes in movies or on TV where the hero or heroine fights bravely to the death with a brain tumor, we instantly think CANCER. Mine was not cancer. It was never thought to be cancer, but knowing that, I almost took it too lightly at first. Even after everything was removed, (well, not everything) I felt fine, by my standards. I have my granfather's "shake it off" constitution, so I thought I'm feeling fine. It's all over, and even if there is something hanging around, I can live with it until it poses a threat. I had made all mylittle plans of waiting until May to have my surgery. Afterall that fits better with my schedule, and I can bank enough time at work to be able to take the month needed to recover at full salary instead of 2/3 or, worse, days with no salary at all. NEWSFLASH: Threat posed! Last week I saw Dr. Astruc, the eye specialist who first caught the problem, for a routine follow-up. Part of the follow-up was a field of vision test as I had had the previous 2 visits since Mike had mostly affected my peripheral vision. I was a little worried when I took the eye test, you know the one with the letters, and my right eye was acting the same way it had when all this mess started but not as bad. The last letter in the line was invisible, not the last 2. But, as we tend to do as humans, I rationalized. It's dark in here. Maybe I have something in my eye, etc., etc. Then I went to take the field of vision test, and we started the process of staring down the long tunnel and clicking the plastic piece in my hand every time I saw a flash of light. Back to the examining room to wait for Dr. Astruc. As he looked at the results compared with my results in May, I didn't hear what I wanted to hear. Left eye? PERFECT! Right eye? Another dark spot has appeared. Well, CRAP! He said that he thought the cyst was probably causing that, but he would send the report to Dr. Sahni, my neurosurgeon, and he would make the determination of how to proceed. I saw Dr. Astruc on a Wednesday, and Thursday morning I got a call from Dr. Sahni. To summarize: My plans to wait until May went out the window. In fact, when I told Dr. Sahni I wanted to wait until then, he chuckled and said, "No, you cannot wait until then." So as it stands now, I am shooting for the first week of November, almost exactly where I was a year ago. I'm not thrilled, but it is what it is. What else am I going to do? This time they will do what Dr. Sahni called an Inter-operative MRI. That means they will do the MRI while I am still under to make sure EVRYONE vacates! I can tell you one thing. Mike's not getting his security deposit back!

It's My Daddy's Birthday

Today, my daddy would have turned 81. He has been gone almost 9 years, and at the typing of this my eyes are welling with tears. I was definitely a daddy's girl, and I think I will always miss him. Lately I have been thinkning about him a lot. He was a staunch Republican, for one. I grew up in a house that believed Nixon was railroaded. I'm serious, but I think even Daddy would scratch his head at this year's Republican nominee. Daddy might even, dare I say it, vote Democrat this year. Politics was not the only thing where my father and I differed in opinion, but I could always count on him to tell the truth, something rare these days. I especially miss being able to ask him for advice. Although he dropped out of high school, he knew something about everything. He could tell you anything about cars. He knew if he was getting a good deal, and if he was being rooked. He tinkered a lot and could fix most anything.
He would be fiercely proud of his granddaughters. He would have cried a river watching Leah graduate from college this past May, and shed just as many tears listening to Georgi's angelic voice singing some of his favorite Simon and Garfunkel songs. I love that she discovered them on her own, and loves their music just as much as my dad did.
I guess what I loved the most is that I know my daddy loved me. With all the hurt and brokenness in the world, I realize more and more each day how lucky I was. With all of our disagreements, I KNEW I could count on him for anything. He believed in me and supported me without me having to ask for a thing. He wasn't perfect. No one is, but I wouldn't have traded with anyone. I miss you, Daddy! Happy Birthday!

Mike Wazowski Has a Friend, and It's not Sully

It's a lovely Saturday morning. I am sitting here in my new house enjoying the little Florida room in the back, one of the features that really sold me on moving in. It's quiet. All I can hear right now are the sounds of nature and my kitty, Lacy purring beside me. I have needed this all week, and I am glad just to sit here and enjoy the "downtime." It's been a crazy week, folks. First of all, we are moving into a new building at work. Statistics state that moving, of any kind, ranks third in stressful life events, ranking only behind death and divorce.  This is the second time I'm moving in the span of just 2 months. Add to that, uncertainty about the move at work. We are all packed only to find out the move date has changed.  So there's that. Then I get my cleaning deposit back from my previous move, something I have been looking forward to so I can shop for a sofa, to find it is 1/10 of what I deposited, I was livid, but that's another blog post. Then last Thursday was my day to see the neurologist to find out the results of my follow up MRI to see if my friend Mike Wazowski had grown back. Well, here's the scoop. Mike doesn't seem to have grown, but a friend has moved in with him. In looking at the most recent films, the conclusion is that I have now developed a cyst in the area Mike used to reside called the Cella. The best way I can describe the location is the space between the two hemispheres of your brain. The cyst is at the top of this space, and what Mike left behind is at the bottom. I am in no imminent danger, not like things were before when Mike took up the entire space and then some, but here is the disappointing news I received. I must have the same procedure all over again to drain and remove the cyst, and while we're in there will make sure that Mike has totally vacated his space. I was less than thrilled to hear that. I just wanted to be done with all of it, and I know that many will say, but at least it's not cancer, and it could be worse, and 1000's of other attempts at what they feel are comforting words, but the fact remains that for the second time in the span of a year, I am going to have to have brain surgery, and IT SUCKS!!! It's the exact same surgery, with the exact same recovery time which means loss of time from work and more money that I don't have. And before you ask, yes, I have insurance, but paying 30% of a $229,000 hospital bill, even after insurance knocks it down to their allowable charge is still an expense I can't afford, and yes, I know I can set up a payment plan, but I don't have any EXTRA. That's the facts, plain and simple people. Right now, it sounds like I am throwing myself a pity party. I'm not! I write this blog to be honest about the way I feel and think. Part of the reason I do that, especially with something like this, is because I want other people who are going through this or something like it to read this and say, hey, I feel like that too. I'm not alone out here going through my crisis. Somebody understands the way I feel.
So, plan of action, for those who are curious. I will wait, which my doctor says is ok this time, until I can earn enough vacation and sick time to cover the month it will take to do this. That will help with a little of the financial dark cloud. So we are probably looking at early 2017. Until then, Mike and his new roommate better behave, there's no vacancy in Hotel Cella!