A Little Less

I am sitting in my living room at 10:50 PM on New Year's Day with a little less. Usually "less" gives a negative connotation, and some of my "less" is negative. I have a little less money than last year, less time off, but I also have less debt, less stress and less sickness. This past Christmas, more than any other in recent years, I bought less. I'm not sure if it was because some counted on money didn't come through, or I found just the right things, but I knew I didn't have the money, and I made it work. Thanks to my little angel, Georgi, the house was clean, and we were able to enjoy all of our Christmas decorations, 3 trees and lighted garland on the mantle. I didn't feel rushed, and I probably had less time to prepare for Christmas this year than I have in years. What was the difference? I'm pretty sure I was happy this year, not that I haven't been happy in years before this year, I have, but I always let a lot of negative crap get in the way. It's amazing when you look back on something from a different place. The things I used to let bother me were so petty. I know. I'm rambling, but I guess what I'm trying to say is no matter what is going on around you life is what you make it. Yes, I realize that is cliche', and I've heard it thousands of times, but I really lived it this year. I can choose to be happy or not, and I'm sorry to say, for years I let myself be unhappy. I chose to focus on the negative and complain about it. Sorry girls! I'm not really a resolution type girl, but I am resolving that in 2018 I will try to be positive, and at the very least I will not dwell on the negative. Some very profound losses happened in 2017 that really made me think about what is important. Time is fleeting, and I am determined to make the most of it even if it's with a little less.

What Has She Got That I Ain't Got?.....COURAGE!

In about 7 hours my oldest daughter will step onto a stage in New York City to sing. About a month ago she went to New York to audition for a Showcase. For those of you not in the theatre world, a showcase is an event where several people perform to exhibit their talent for casting directors and sometimes agents. She made it into the showcase, a feat in itself, and yesterday at 8AM I dropped her off at the bus station to start her 3 day whirlwind adventure. I have blogged before that my oldest wants to be an actress. So did I at her age (25). Heck, I still do! I'm 54. But she has one thing I really didn't. One thing that will propel her at least half of the way, COURAGE! I would have been scared to death to get on a bus all by myself and travel to the Big City and venture out alone to find my audition site, my performance venue, my whatever. And this isn't the first time she's done it. I know it's the way you have to be in the business, and I am so glad that she got that fearlessness, from where I don't know. It's not in my genes. It is killing me that I can't be there to hear her New York debut, but I know she will kick ass because she wants to! I love you more than anything, sweet girl. This is just the beginning of great, great things! Break a leg and "Sing out, Louise!"

Still, Still, Still

Something happened Friday that made me "take pause," to speak in old fashioned terms. It snowed. Now, it's no secret that I LOVE snow! I always have. I joke and say if I ever get married again, I want it to be in the snow under a full moon. Don't worry. You won't have to go out and buy a formal overcoat anytime soon. (cue rim shot) In all seriousness, snow is magical! Amazingly everything gets quiet. I was driving home in it, and the roads weren't bad yet. It was just falling, and the trees were covered, and it truly looked like a Winter Wonderland. Because of that, this entire weekend I have felt relaxed, not rushed, not obsessed with what has to be done, not running around too busy preparing for a season making it impossible for me to enjoy. 8 years ago I was in a lovely production of  A Christmas Carol that included the carol, Still, Still, Still. I had never heard it before singing it in the show. Part of the lyrics are "Still, still, still, one can hear the falling snow." You have to be still to hear snow falling, not running or rushing around. Friday's snowfall let me be "still." Being still reminded me that this season is about joy! I am happier than I have been in a long time! I am so blessed, and I am going to take time to be still and be thankful for my joy. Can you hear the snow falling?

A Little Message from Kroger

About a week ago I received a pack of coupons from Kroger. You know, the ones that they send you that are actually useful because they are tracking what you're buying using your loyalty card. Here's the thing. They were addressed to Ralph Moore but here at my address. Ralph Moore is my father, and today is the 10th Anniversary of his death. I know all kinds of things are stored in data bases, and things can get mixed up, and my father and I have shared the same address, but I have not lived at that address for 6 years. I have only lived at my present address for a year and a half. How did his name get attached to this address, and how did it get linked to my Kroger card? And right now you're thinking, "why all this tadoo about some coupons? Here's why. I don't think it was a computer glitch at all. I think it was my Daddy's way of letting me know he's still around, and he hasn't really left me totally alone. I've written about my dad before, but I'm not sure I've shared what I'll share today. My dad had a hard life growing up. He was the youngest of I think 7 brothers and sisters. His dad died when he was 3. They were dirt poor living in a tiny town in Georgia. He had one eye that was severely crossed, and he never had any surgery to correct it. As I'm sure you can imagine, that invited a lot of teasing. He dropped out of high school because of, what we would label bullying today, not because he was scared, but he didn't want to be involved in the fights anymore. He was smart as a whip, and I know, given the chance, he could have had every degree available. Life just never gave him the chance. I got the feeling from talking to him that no one was really in his corner rooting for him, encouraging him or even pushing him to his potential. For all of that background, he could have been nothing, but he wasn't. The first memories I have of my dad were of him working for NCR - National Cash Register - He repaired cash registers. He was on the cutting edge of technology as NCR sent him to school to learn about the way the "new" computerized cash registers would work. Consequently, he knew more about computers than anyone I knew. He could always figure it out. He had that kind of brain. That makes him sound analytical and cold, but he was anything but. He would cry at the littlest things that touched him. He was probably the biggest reason I have such a sensitive side. I joke all the time that I cry at a Hallmark commercial. The biggest thing I want the world to know about my dad was that he was always in my corner. He believed in me and everything I wanted to do. He always supported me from the time I was singing in the Cherub choir at age 3 to attending the numerous shows I was in until his health prevented him from doing so.  Until the day he died, he was trying to get me to send a tape of me singing, and then in later years, me and my girls singing together to someone because he just knew we would be famous. A good part of who I am is because of my dad. Through everything, good and bad, I knew he loved me ALWAYS! I miss him a lot, but I know he's around. He just used Kroger to remind me. LOVE YOU, DADDY!
Note: I started writing this on 11/16, the true anniversary.

Make Your Own Joy

I sat in church today, and the preacher said something that struck me. He talked about "waiting for your joy." Waiting for my joy...that concept of, "if I could just get this or that, I'd be happy." I fell into that trap and fell out or was pushed out, when at 34, I had nothing, less than nothing, well, materially speaking. When I was married appearances were a big deal. And for all of our "things" that we thought we needed to look good to everyone else, and we thought made us happy didn't hold our marriage together when it EXPLODED! Oh, we looked happy to everyone else, the perfect couple, the perfect family, and maybe we thought we were, but there was no joy! It took me being in a situation totally bereft of anything except 2 precious children and family and friends surrounding me to help me heal to realize that fact. I have lived single now for almost 20 years. Most of those years I have struggled financially. I haven't had a real vacation in 14 years, but God gives me joy every day! I may not always recognize it, or, worse yet, appreciate it, but my new life has been filled with real joy, the kind you make from what's provided. I titled this post Make Your Own Joy, but maybe it should be Recognize the Joy Given to You. Start looking for your joy. It's there, I promise!

Don't Feed the Animals!

Last night my youngest daughter said something to me that I didn't really take as seriously as I should have. I am sure everyone knows by now what happened in my home state of Virginia on Saturday. I even wrote a post about it just a couple of days ago. I have to say I have become a little obsessed with reading all the articles, and interviews, and tweets about the event and the "president's" (lower case intended) response to the entire situation. Along with reading that news, I am also reading comment after comment from people about each article, etc. etc., the good and the bad. She looked at me and said, "I don't want you on your phone all of the time reading all this negative stuff." I put it away until I was by myself much later last night, and I began to look through Facebook again. Opening up each MUST READ. I came upon an HBO documentary about last Saturday's events, an inside look at what led up to, and all during the monstrosity from the perspective of the "Alt-Wrong" It was truly terrifying! Every word out of these people's mouths was hurtful and hateful and disgusting. They are so angry, and with the empowerment and approval of the "president" they are ready to "Take back their country" by FORCE. There are 2 words missing from that sentence, "if necessary." The reason they are missing is because they are planning on using force. They want to. They can't wait for the next time to see how they can top last Saturday. Killing one girl wasn't enough. In their leader's own words, they showed restraint Saturday. To me that means one death was not enough, they want more. They are blood thirsty animals, and they scare the shit out of me! I was more frightened by Saturday's events than I was after 9/11. I had a hard time going to sleep last night. My little girl was right. How can I function when every free moment I am reading about hate and evil and violence? Will Smith said, "Racism isn't getting worse. It's getting filmed." That's it! It has always been there, but now we literally have the ability to see everything that is going on everywhere every minute of the day, and we have become addicted to it, at least I have. The monkey on my back is Facebook. Facebook started out for me as a way to see friends and their kids and to connect about shows and to make up funny things to be my "status, " and scrolling through, I saw much of the same, but, like everything else, it has evolved, and I don't really like what it has become, but I can't let go. Not just about this issue, but I have seen friends attacked verbally, and, no, I am not exaggerating, for posting a video or quote that they believe in or find poignant, or thought-provoking, and people tear into them as if they had challenged them to a duel. I will guarantee those same people would not have the guts to blast with both barrels if they were having a conversation face-to-face, but hiding behind the phone or computer screen they are empowered. Well, I'm sick of it! ALL of it! Now, please don't take this as me putting my head in the sand and pretending none of this is happening. I'm not! I have other ways of finding things out, keeping abreast of current events. I do not need it in my face every waking moment. Can we go back to the days of "Film at 11?" I know it's out there, and I want to make it go away, but I will be honest, I don't want to put myself in harm's way, nor do I want my children to put themselves in harm's way. If that makes me a coward, well, paint me yellow. I am all about standing up for what is right and what I believe in, but these people aren't Westboro Baptist Church. They are armed and dangerous, and they want to fight! They also want attention as does their inspiration, DJT. You can't fight these people with love, not as an organized group at least. You fight all of this by not engaging, not paying attention. If no one is there to film their ridiculous behavior and their words of hate and disrespect, it takes the wind out of their sails. "If a tree falls in the forest..."
When all of this happened Saturday, and there was rumor that it would happen here as well, someone commented to let them show up to a literal Ghost Town, no businesses open, no one on the street, nothing, including NO MEDIA! To whom would they spew their hate then? It would be as if they had never been there. I like that idea, a lot! I just wish that we could all agree to do exactly that. I am, at least going to start by trying not to dwell on the negative. If you starve the animal, it cannot live! Don't feed the BEAST!

The Beast is FREE

It is a little after 10 on Sunday night, and I have just come in from standing outside holding a tiny tea light candle (because it was the only thing I could find) as a vigil for Heather Heyer, a girl I never met and whose family I do not know. In fact I know nothing about her except this: Yesterday she was mowed down by a car that purposely drove into a group of people gathered to oppose the "Alt-Right" (TRANSLATION: WHITE SUPREMACISTS, NAZIS and the KKK) at their "Unite the Right" (which I would like to refer to it as "Unite the Wrong") rally in Charlottesville on Saturday morning. Supposedly these groups were there to protest the removal of a statue of Robert E. Lee from a park in Charlottesville. I say supposedly because if all they were there to do was protest, make their voice and opinions heard, why did they show up in riot gear with clubs and guns and other weapons?
Charlottesville is an hour's drive from me. I have been there many times. It's a quiet little college town. Friday night it turned into something else. It was as if some giant clock had been turned back to 1950. Hundreds of white men carrying tiki torches - don't even get me started on the irony of that - flooded UVA's campus standing in front of the Rotunda chanting "You will not replace us" "Jews will not replace us." (Side note: What do Jews have to do with anything about the Robert E. Lee statue?), but I digress. Here's the thing. They weren't there about the statue at all. That was the excuse for white men from all over the country to come to this little town to intimidate people with fear and hate, because that's what their groups are about. They hate people who aren't white. I did not know this until today as I just read an article from UVA's president's perspective about Friday night, but the Tiki Torch Terrorists were violent on Friday night when they gathered in front of the Rotunda when NO ONE was there to oppose them. They were primed and ready to cause some trouble on Saturday. They never made it to where the rally was to be held because it was broken up before then, and yes, both sides did engage, but no one in that group of people walking away from the rally was doing anything to provoke anyone. They were trying to walk through a very narrow street to get back to their cars or their homes, much like they would be if they were leaving a huge concert, and this car speeds through and purposely hits them. Heather Heyer was in that group, and she died Saturday. SHE DIED!!! Correction: She was murdered.
When I woke up Saturday, image after image popped up as I scrolled through my newsfeed on Facebook, and I thought, this can't get worse. What is going on? A Nazi flag was being carried, proudly, mind you,  through the streets of a little town in my state, and before the day was over an innocent girl had been murdered. What the hell people? The beast has been let out of its cage, and I have no idea how we are going to get him back in again and at what cost?