When God Closes a Door......

The completion of this line from "The Sound of Music" is "somewhere He opens a window." My last blog post was very much about a door that not only closed, it slammed shut with not even a crack of light. I am a person that has lived my life with the belief that everything happens for a reason. My challenge comes when I don't see the reason right away. I believe that God has a plan for me. I have always believed that. The verse I keep focusing on this year is from the book of Jeremiah, Chapter 29, Verse 11, "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." However, my impatient, human, need to be in control nature, demands the blueprint when really what I need to do is trust. I'm not saying that I should sit around on my hands and wait for God to bless me and run my life. I need to play an active, vital role in my life, but when things don't go the way I thought they would, I need to trust in that invisible blueprint. Eventhough God has opened that window time and time again in my life, when that door slams again, I panic! It throws me into despair, and worse, I start flying against the closed door like a trapped bird who somehow got into a house and is desperately trying to get back to the open air and freedom. Another quote I love from Helen Keller speaks to that very issue, "When one door of happiness closes another opens; but we often look so long at the closed one that we do not see the one which has opened for us." The very next day that we found the college door closed, a window opened to give us a great place to live that we had wanted. Does that solve the college issue? No, but it proved to me that there is "hope and a future" It may not be the future I planned, but I can certainly trust the Planner.

Promises, promises!

I work for a very prestigious institution of higher learning. I have worked there for almost 6 years. before working there, I had a job with the school system that I loved!!! Not only did it seem like the perfect job for me, but I got 2 weeks of vacation at Christmas, a week for Spring break and my summers off. Why, pray tell, would I even attempt to leave a job like that? It's the old saying, "The grass is always greener." or maybe "Things are not always as they appear." However, I was looking, mostly for more money. Hence my search. My search brought me to where I presently work. I remember well being interviewed and told the benefits of working for this institution. Webster defines benefit as : a service (as health insurance) or right (as to take vacation time) provided by an employer in addition to wages or salary. You usually don't have to qualify for a benefit. One of the benefits of working for this institution was college tutition would be paid for my dependents. WOW!! That's a HUGE BENEFIT! I, being the questioning creature that I am, had to clarify. Me: That's just if they attend here, right? Interviewer: Oh, no, we have a list of several colleges where tuition exchange is available. Skip to a week later. I am offered the job. Not quite the money increase I was hoping for, in fact not really an increase hardly at all, and I would be giving up 11 weeks of vacation. BUT, college tuition, how can I pass that up? That's just being foolish, Terri. So, eventhough my gut was telling me to stay where I was extremely satisfied and happy, my brain was telling me that I was being selfish, and that I just didn't want to give up my summers off. I took the job. Flash forward to 5 years later. My oldest begins to look at colleges, colleges that will be paid for with my "benefit". She wants to be an actor, so our search centers around a good school to meet those needs. EUREKA! A fabulous school with a great reputation is on the "Tuition Exchange" list. We visit and decision is made that this is the first choice! Now to apply and get accepted. The nerve racking day comes for auditions to get into the theatre program. Now we have to wait two weeks. Finally the letter comes, and she is accepted!!!! Everyone is elated, but there is still the issue of financial aid. In my brain, I am thinking, well tuition is taken care of (remember the benefit), we just need to make sure that we get enough financial aid to cover room and board. MORE WAITING!! Now, this is the part where I will warn you, if you are waiting for a happy ending, stop reading now. Imagine my surprise when I learn that my daughter is on a waitlist for the "benefit" of tuition exchange! WHAT??!! A WAITLIST?!! How can that be? It's a benefit! You don't have to qualify for a benefit. That's why I took this job, that's why I've been working here for almost 6 years. We decided to be optimistic! Maybe we wouldn't need the Tuition Exchange, maybe we would qualify for full financial aid. Let's go on as if we will get it, and deposit and fill out housing applications and register for Orientation. The financial aid package comes. We are about $16,000 shy of what we need, which to me might as well be $100,000. Well, let's still be optimistic! Maybe she'll get off the waitlist. MORE WAITING!!!!! And finally the news comes, "So many qualified candidates applied, ya-da, ya-da, ya-da....we will NOT be able to provide you with a tuition exchange scholarship." Oh, now it's a scholarship! Wait, I'm a little bit confused. I was told this was a perk of working here, a "benefit", but it's only a benefit under certain qualifying factors. Do I feel it's unfair? YES! Do I feel I was misled? YES! Do I feel I was promised something and then the promise was not delivered? YES! Can I do anything about it? NO! What I have to do is take away from this a lesson learned that if something sounds too good to be true, it is, and that there is always fine print. I just didn't expect my employer to keep the magnifying glass hidden.

[title of post]

I spent an evening at the theater tonight. A friend of mine that I met last year when we did "Company of Angels" together, Lanaya Burnette, was cast in RTP's [title of show]. Richmond Triangle Players was running a special tonight for theatre professionals for 2 for 1. I decided that I would go with my daughter. I didn't really know what to expect. I no longer buy every new cast album that comes out of New York the way I did when I was in high school, and I haven't seen a show in New York since 1981. I had heard of [title of show], but had no idea what it was about except for the little synopsis on the Facebook events page. For some reason I thought it would be filled with old-fashioned campiness. Boy, was I wrong! It was edgy, and full of energy, and extremely contemporary. I'm new to contemporary musical theatre. I grew up with My Fair Lady and The Music Man. I remember when I was in middle school and I purchased the original cast albums to A Chorus Line and Chicago. I felt like I was getting away with something listening to the lyrics that contained the "words I wasn't allowed to say" peppered here and there occasionally in some of the songs. I saw the show tonight as a grown up, and I didn't have to go upstairs and listen to my album with my door closed for fear that I would hear my dad say I had to take the album back. I had the best time! I laughed and even cried a little. The cast is amazing and they work together like a well oiled machine, and the vocals are strong and blend together so well you'd think that these four actors really did write this show and worked on it for months and months. Daniel Cimo and Chris Hester establish a great rapport immediately with each other and the audience. One of my favorite numbers early on was "An Original Musical," I laughed out loud at Cimo's portrayal of  The Blank Page and Lanaya Burnette's rendition of "Die Vampire, Die" is humorous but thought provoking at the same time, and finally Georgia Rogers Farmer nails the power but also brings such a gentle sweetness to "A Way Back to Then" that I found myself wishing I had a tissue. The theatre wasn't nearly filled tonight, and that is a shame. RTP's production of [title of show] will be one that you will be sorry you missed, so don't take the chance. You only have until June 4th. Call for tickets!

I didn't always want to be a mom. When I was growing up, I never babysat, I never wanted to hold people's babies. It just wasn't my thing. When I met the person who would become my husband, we even talked about one of us making the decision to have surgery so we couldn't have children. I am so glad we didn't make that decision. I was married for about 8 years, and something happened I can't explain. A feeling just came over me. I wanted a baby. We started trying, and it took almost a year for us to get pregnant. We were so excited! We told everyone right away, and then at about 12 weeks, I lost that child. Losing a child before it's born is a very different thing. It's the death of a dream, a plan, a future. We were told that we could try again almost immediately, and 3 months later I got pregnant again. 40 weeks later, I had a beautiful baby girl. She was amazing, and being a mother was amazing! It's a role I'd never planned on playing, but one I'm so glad I took on. 3 1/2 years later my second little girl came into the world. It is no secret to anyone who reads this blog that I have spent most of their lives as a single mom. Not what I planned, but I am so glad that I have had them to make this journey with . They are not just my daughters, they are my friends. They love me, and they let me know it. No, it's not all sunshine and roses, but nothing worth having is. They are now 15 and 18, and one will graduate in 5 short weeks. She is starting on a new path that she will forge alone, but she will always have a part of me with her. Both of them know that I am there for them no matter what, and that they can always count on me. I could not ask for better children if I had written down every quality I wanted and handed it to God myself. So on this day to honor Mothers, I want to thank those two wonderful young women, and tell them that I am honored to have been picked to be their Mom.

All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing. ~ Edmund Burke

I write this post on May 2, 2011, the day after it was announced to the world that Osama Bin Laden was dead at the hands of U.S. Navy Seals. I have seen many reactions posted on Facebook about this monumental event. Most have been "thank yous" to our troops and general pride in America, but some have contained a tone of shame that we, as Americans, are celebrating today. Some have even compared us to the extremists that were dancing in the streets when the Twin Towers fell and 1000's of innocent lives were taken. There is a HUGE difference in celebrating the deaths of thousands of people who were attacked and killed in an unprovoked act designed to terrorize millions and celebration that the man who masterminded the plan to have 4 planes, also filled with innocent people, hijacked to crash into buildings for the purpose of making a statement is now dead. "All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing. " On that clear day in September, 10 years ago, it felt like evil triumphed, and if we had sat back and done nothing, it would have. WE DID NOT! What happened yesterday is called justice, and I am proud of our troops and our Navy seals that put their lives on the line so that EVIL could be vanquished. We are celebrating the victory over wrong, that those good men and women did not sit idly by while our safety and freedom were threatened. They put themselves in harm's way and some gave the ultimate sacrifice to fight this evil of Terrorism. The fact that the supreme leader of this movement has fallen is something that we claim as victory is nothing to be ashamed of.

And Forgive Us Our Trespasses.......

I was raised in the church. My sweet grandparents made sure that we were there every Sunday, and that I had my quarter to put in the offering plate. I can't really tell you when I actually learned the Lord's Prayer. It seems I've always known it. If you know it, near the end the line is, "and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us." Stop and think about that a minute, "as we forgive those that trespass against us." I have said that prayer more times than I can count. Do I really mean it? I ask God to forgive me in the manner that I forgive others. If I expect God to forgive me of my sins as I forgive others, why am I not more forgiving? A few weeks ago my Sunday school lesson focused on forgiveness. As each of us in the class shared some insight, I found myself saying, "When you hold on to something, an injustice or hurt someone has inflicted upon you, you are not hurting that person, you are only hurting yourself. That person doesn't care that you are angry or sad. In fact after they hurt you, they probably never gave it another thought." I heard myself saying those words, but I knew as they were coming out of my mouth that I had never followed my own advice.
Two weeks ago, my mother almost died. I received a call from my sister who had followed the ambulance to the ER after my mother had stopped breathing. It was just like every scene you see on television and in the movies. The family waits, not knowing anything, until those doors open and someone comes out to tell you the condition your loved one is in. I won't lie. I tried to be strong, but in my own head, I kept picturing the doctor coming out and saying, "We did everything we could." That didn't happen. She got better, and she is back at home, but it made me think. Anything can happen at anytime, and I don't want to spend one more day filled up with anger and hurt from the fact that my husband left me 13 years ago and all the struggles that has caused. If I spend my life filled up with anger, how is there any room for love, love for others, love for myself or love for God? I'd rather live the rest of my life filled with love. What are you holding on to?

My 100th Post

Funny how in a little over a year I have found 99 things to write about, something that would have seemed absurd to me 2 years ago. Over these last 99 posts I have shared my thoughts. I have beared my soul. I have ranted, and I have offered tributes to several things from Hardees Hand Breaded Chicken Tenders to All in the Family to Gypsy Rose Lee. I have thought in the past couple of days what my 100th post should be. I decided to write about STUFF. The inspiration for this? Over the last several months my sister and I and a host of friends and family have been cleaning out my mother's house. She moved to independent living last November after living in the house for over 30 years. 30 years worth of accumulation of STUFF! The late, great comedian, George Carlin, does a great stand-up routine about STUFF that is hilarious and all too true about we as a people and our obsession with things.

 I can't tell you the bags and bags of things that we threw out or gave away. Living in the same house myself, I went through many boxes of my own things. The things I saved, receipts and school papers, not special papers, just every day, generic, "I did my homework" papers. Why? I got to thinking, and not to sound morbid, but when I am gone, who would care about this Algebra II paper from 6th period with Ms. Ruben? More importantly, why did I care enough to save it? Now, I will say, things changed greatly with the invention and ever evolving technology of cyberspace. We store things in different ways now. The boxes and boxes of pictures I took then are stored on my computer now, and I can share them in an instant. Will this lead to future generations having less stuff? Less paper maybe. We had a service come in and price all of the STUFF and this weekend my family's stuff will be up for sale to the general public. Months and months to go through things and you would think I'd be glad to be rid of it. Some things, certainly, but today as I looked at photos all of our things posted on the internet to advertise the sale, I couldn't help but feel a little sad. Things from my childhood brought memories flooding back, and I got a little teary. I guess it's like saying good-bye to old friends. It's something from that part of my life that stayed the same, that didn't change, and somehow holding on to it lets me hold on to my past. I mean, come on, it's just STUFF, or is it?